tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56099910464748528152024-03-13T09:41:20.434+08:00The Litter BoxThis is where ideas meet opinions and creativity meets inspiration. This is my strange wonderland...kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.comBlogger181125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-47722756591018608532017-12-03T07:28:00.002+08:002020-06-29T19:39:03.236+08:00Are You Okay? Are You Fine? Are You Good?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: FIL-PH;"><i><span style="color: #e06666;">“I’m okay.” , “I’m
fine.” , “I’m<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>good.”</span> </i>– I have heard
these responses a million times before. But do<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>they really mean it when they say them? I am guilty of saying these and
never really meaning them. Why? Because I feel like what happens to me is of no
concern to others. It<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>is my personal
life. It is something that I have an option to share or to hide. Also, I feel
like my pain isn’t exactly relevant for anyone to care. I do not want to burden
others by telling them how I truly feel especially when I am not certain how
they will react when they hear about it. Some will say that this kind of
reasoning will probably disadvantageous to me in the long run. Being honest
about my feelings is more important than keeping the truth to the world. If
others overshare, I do not. Maybe I did for a time then, reality hit me in the
face and told me to grow up so, I did. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: FIL-PH;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #ea9999;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: FIL-PH;">This kind of false
sense of happiness is something that a lot of people feel nowadays. We live in
a time when we value what other people say too much especially on social media
that we end up making up lies just to show that we are okay when we are not.
Pretending has become the norm and although honesty is still valued, there are
times when it is easier to accept a lie than the truth. Having this kind of
false sense of happiness leaves people hollow on the inside. It is like all
they can do is smile and laugh on the outside but deep inside they are dying,
weeping or angry. Can anyone ever bear their true feelings out in the open
these days? It is like going outside bare faced with no makeup whatsoever.
Although I can do this, baring my true emotions out in the open is something I
find challenging to do. Perhaps lying to others has become so convenient that
in the end, I am even fooling myself. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #ea9999;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: FIL-PH;">Most<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>people are quick to judge. Although we know
that this is not a good practice, we still end up doing it. I do this and so do
you. Some are just more brutal than others when it comes to dropping shade on
them or saying something bad behind their backs. Hypocrisy sucks. I have known
it for a long time and although I hate<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>it, I cannot change it. Hypocrisy has become a part of our society. We
are wear masks because this is what society made us do. We conform not because
we want to but because we have to. We do what others do not because we want to
follow them but because it is what everybody does. To go<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>against this tide is<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>possible although not easy. I always say I am
different. I want to be different. However, there are times when I ask myself,
<span style="color: #e06666;"><i>“What difference have I done in this world anyway?”</i></span>.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #ea9999;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: FIL-PH;">It is true that I am
a dreamer. I like to create. But that doesn’t make me free from the burdens of
adult life. I make art to relieve my stress and my anxiety however, some<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>days are just more miserable than others. So<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>miserable that even art can save me from such
days. The harsh reality of life is something that you can never escape<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>from no matter how hard you try. You can hide
from it temporarily but you won’t be able to get away from it permanently. I
hate the feeling of anxiety silently eating you alive, clawing deep inside you
like a dark entity wanting to escape leaving you to be nothing but a broken
person. I have heard of anxiety attacks. Although I don’t really know if I have
had one. Maybe I have had one or two or even a few and I just don’t know about
it or I am just<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>in denial. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #ea9999;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: FIL-PH;">Some days are hard
and when they become too overwhelming for me, I end up crying. I cry not
because I am weak. I cry because I do not<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>know<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>what<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to do next. I pray to be strong during these
times. I pray for guidance. I pray for a calm heart and an empty mind. Although
these work, I cannot always shake off this feeling inside of me. We are our
greatest critics and that’s a fact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Through the years, I believe that I have learned to battle my inner
demons each day. I am not perfect. I never was and never will be. But that
won’t stop me from at least trying to live each day. Some days I feel like I am
just surviving but not really living at all. It is during these times when I
feel so lonely, so irrelevant, so<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>disheartened. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #ea9999;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: FIL-PH;">You’ll never know
what will come across next. The path might seem so blurry, so unclear. Yet, we
must keep on pushing forward. Life might not be working out for me right now
but nothing lasts forever. My smile might be fake and my laugh forced during
some days but I know that there will be days when they would all be sincere. I
long for such days. I long for happier moments in my life. Hopefully, such days
will come for me soon. Misery is something I fall into easily but I hope that
eventually, I can go long without it. My life might not be what it should be or
what<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it seems to be but it is ever
changing and so should I. Maybe I should start saying<i> <span style="color: #e06666;">”I’ll be okay.”, “I’ll be
fine.” , “I’ll be<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>good.”</span></i> the next time someone asks me how I am instead of my
regular answers. This way there is still optimism in me somehow as I think that
tomorrow will be better than today.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWi5H1uver_qOJNfKYALTmcI_yd3wyLnzgeIMxEtaedRCrXLkvoqVVfusgr_DAhZ1XeeeYydfV8bKl1d5COQ2ALWCeM07OB4PR3cohH_BWm-FWaoJgbxLb_Pn8NykUfstkNdIWyXMuxis/s1600/imok2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="521" data-original-width="500" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWi5H1uver_qOJNfKYALTmcI_yd3wyLnzgeIMxEtaedRCrXLkvoqVVfusgr_DAhZ1XeeeYydfV8bKl1d5COQ2ALWCeM07OB4PR3cohH_BWm-FWaoJgbxLb_Pn8NykUfstkNdIWyXMuxis/s320/imok2.jpg" width="307" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_cs7wou07fa-tey6hPCbgIH5fkMqH5RF8typuBU93VtjN22C8RLqlsKjVs0KgijH20lo3N7NlOJRTYSAoAQK0F5yy_TJxvdYWNEasKDSruEUPJ-BkgDoz_AurZkz9f-TYLlu7D-jJvNU/s1600/imok3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="660" data-original-width="720" height="293" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_cs7wou07fa-tey6hPCbgIH5fkMqH5RF8typuBU93VtjN22C8RLqlsKjVs0KgijH20lo3N7NlOJRTYSAoAQK0F5yy_TJxvdYWNEasKDSruEUPJ-BkgDoz_AurZkz9f-TYLlu7D-jJvNU/s320/imok3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4Qe1V1WDJkP14HIL6VQ6hgCjCskXDvH7J4MPAVBEbp6Vqgj5mu8FY0JnxFoqnI0__XyyvQYR971t4U0mZPMzwDo7SGuVF6PSJmoA36VWnT98SqVNxSB2JKtuLM3RYZNKl8AltuP1wNeA/s1600/imok.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="501" data-original-width="599" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4Qe1V1WDJkP14HIL6VQ6hgCjCskXDvH7J4MPAVBEbp6Vqgj5mu8FY0JnxFoqnI0__XyyvQYR971t4U0mZPMzwDo7SGuVF6PSJmoA36VWnT98SqVNxSB2JKtuLM3RYZNKl8AltuP1wNeA/s320/imok.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: FIL-PH;"><span style="color: #ffd966;"><i> We do not know the struggles that other people face each day. They may smile or laugh in front of you but are they really sincere in showing these emotions to you? Be more sensitive. Be more considerate.After all, we can't always be happy. Don't assume that the person you are talking to is. Remember that.</i></span></span></span></div>
</div>
kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-90900234844004665712016-11-11T19:07:00.000+08:002016-11-11T19:07:08.133+08:00It's Just A Bad Day, Not A Bad Life - My Unlucky Thursday Or So It Seemed<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ7e6CMJnL9-jDkybDmTDeSYsNEvkYV0Qxo3Ig1QzSem_i5ziSFxPXolSU_uahiUMEpnI05ztFax5JRqFuFiAppDPJiB27ZDaotpiSIsZBKQIlmLFdHKBBo3ZVt_nwWSoTgpcfb-V0cZs/s1600/bad+day.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ7e6CMJnL9-jDkybDmTDeSYsNEvkYV0Qxo3Ig1QzSem_i5ziSFxPXolSU_uahiUMEpnI05ztFax5JRqFuFiAppDPJiB27ZDaotpiSIsZBKQIlmLFdHKBBo3ZVt_nwWSoTgpcfb-V0cZs/s320/bad+day.jpg" width="221" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span id="goog_1700442559"></span><span id="goog_1700442560"></span>Always remember that!</i></b></div>
<br />
When your feelings get the worst of you...<br />
<br />
Today has been an unlucky day so far. Ever since I left home to go to work, things haven't exactly been awesome. I rode on a bus to the nearest train station. The conductor nearly ripped me off with my bus fare. He probably thought I did not know the bus fare to where I was headed. I know that bus companies has fluctuating fare rates but this one was just too much. I paid him 40 pesos and expected at least 10-12 pesos as my change but he only gave me 2 pesos after giving me the tickets. This baffled me and somehow angered me. When he went back to ask for the fare of the newly seated passengers, I confronted him and told him about my usual bus fare. He argued with me and I thought he would keep on insisting that the bus fare to where I was headed was 38 pesos. Luckily, he did not. Seriously, why would some people do that? The bus ride was partially comfortable. Although I had to keep on moving seats because I initially had no choice but to sit in the back. I had to move 3 times just to be able to sit where I should be sitting. I got to the train station at 5:20 P.M. It was the start of rush hour. I already knew what I was going to get myself into. Or at least, that's what I thought.<br />
<br />
When the train arrived, it wasn't so congested inside but once we got to the next 2 stations, the train just got so full that it was hard to breathe. This was a bad situation as I will need to excuse myself when my stop arrives and I am not sure if the people in the train will move for me. Sometimes they don't and that is my biggest daily challenge. Today, they did not. The people outside kept on shoving to board the train while some of us were struggling to get out of it. In the end, I had no choice but to push and shove to get out as well. I ended up hurting my elbow in the process. I just remembered hitting is somewhere hard but since it was so hard to see what I hit, I cannot say what caused the scratch. I kept walking until I reached the mall. When my elbow started stinging inside, I had to examine the damage. It was bleeding and I knew I had to clean the wound somehow. Since I always bring some tissue and isopropyl alcohol with me, I disinfected it. It hurt but I had no choice. Once I was done, I had to start walking again. My office was still a 15-20 minute walk from the mall after all.<br />
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I don't mind the whole walking to work bit. What I hate about it is that when I go to work, it is also the same time when most people go home. So the small sidewalk which is supposed to be a two way sidewalk ends up being a one way one. People just keep on walking and not caring about that fact. My wounded elbow got hit as I was walking on this said sidewalk. That made me more upset. I rushed to work because I knew that I will be starting my classes after 40 minutes. Although I was not late for work, I was already upset because of the series of unfortunate events. It is now 9:55 P.M. and as much as I want to think that nothing is wrong, there is. I had my first class for a certain student who I carelessly said goodbye to after only having a 20 minute class when we were supposed to have a 30 minute one. I only noticed it once I was already uploading my report and sending my recording. I had no choice but to tell the Korean owner of the incident. I was sure I would get scolded on. Luckily, I wasn't but was reminded to be more careful next time.<br />
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Work ended and I am a mess. I ended up treating myself and my husband to some fast food to cheer me up. As I told the story of how my day went to my husband, I realized I should change things for tomorrow to get better results. Meaning I have to leave home before 4 P.M., ride on an FX instead of a bus, get to the nearest MRT station before 5 P.M., arrive in Ortigas at 5:30 P.M. or before 6 P.M. and review my schedule before my classes start. Surely, I will have better days ahead of me after all the said changes.<br />
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-80091654202279074722015-11-04T19:29:00.001+08:002015-11-04T19:29:09.428+08:00Will we ever be the way it was?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSSwLYdb4kCitnFmOLjE6PbPJYhZuCel98ixAG7rteDk3Ky_D8NJgUFYTyQ-xNw9DKnL-62kPAfcm2NSPgp9o_tO5d-8_BUIp__Gjx6hN-lBxOjVRSDI1rRIRfm5RXJZ2_Ua3BGoMXFJk/s1600/317881_2525262244771_926760344_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #ea9999;">Sometimes you ask yourself if you chose right especially because you
turned your back on everything and everyone else just to be with that
person. It would be hard to get back what has been done, what has been
lost. Sometimes I feel like I made the right choice but there are also
times when I don't. I feel unwanted sometimes. I feel stupid even. I
hate it when people say hurtful words to me but it gets more painful
when you say them to me. I never did like shouting at people as I know I
never want to be shouted on. You know this and yet you keep on doing it
to me. I know I have a short temper and I know you do too but is it too
much to ask for a little more understanding when I lose mine instead of
you losing yours too? I hate it when you tell me I'm stupid. I hate it
when you make me feel like I'm useless. Why do you have so much power
over me? Why do I even let you have power over me? Is this love or
madness? Maybe I am really stupid because I hate the things that you say
and do to me and yet here I am still hanging on to you like a life line
when in reality, you could just be the death of me.</span></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSSwLYdb4kCitnFmOLjE6PbPJYhZuCel98ixAG7rteDk3Ky_D8NJgUFYTyQ-xNw9DKnL-62kPAfcm2NSPgp9o_tO5d-8_BUIp__Gjx6hN-lBxOjVRSDI1rRIRfm5RXJZ2_Ua3BGoMXFJk/s1600/317881_2525262244771_926760344_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #ea9999;"></span></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSSwLYdb4kCitnFmOLjE6PbPJYhZuCel98ixAG7rteDk3Ky_D8NJgUFYTyQ-xNw9DKnL-62kPAfcm2NSPgp9o_tO5d-8_BUIp__Gjx6hN-lBxOjVRSDI1rRIRfm5RXJZ2_Ua3BGoMXFJk/s1600/317881_2525262244771_926760344_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #ea9999;">Every heart
ache, every pain. Call me melodramatic. You always do anyway. I hate
that you can't be more understanding. I hate that you have changed so
much. We've been together for so long. I am not your enemy, I am on your
side. But if you continue to antagonize me and treat me poorly, I might
just stop being on your side. I'm just keeping it because I am trying
to understand but have you ever tried to stop yourself from being so
mean to me? Lately, you've been so angry. I understand you are angry at
other people, other circumstances. Sadly, I feel like you put all that
anger and frustration on me. I feel heavier and more stressed out every
time even when I feel like unwinding. Maybe the only time I will ever
get the peace I crave is when I am alone which never happens to me. Am I
really supposed to hurt this way? Am I nothing more than this? I did
not write this for anyone to pity me. I merely wanted to share. My life
is not what it seems. My life should have been better than this. But
this is my life and the choices I've made so whether they are right or
wrong, I guess I just have to endure it. Hopefully, one day, before I
actually end up snapping and losing every last ounce of goodness in me,
you will treat me better, you will treat me the way you should treat me.
I feel like you are no longer scared that I will leave you. I feel like
you will never cry over me anymore. I feel like you have lost every
romantic bone in your body. I feel like the passion that you used to
have has gone. Is this because of too much assurance or did I just give
you too much of myself? I feel like I have you too much that I have very
little left for me. </span></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSSwLYdb4kCitnFmOLjE6PbPJYhZuCel98ixAG7rteDk3Ky_D8NJgUFYTyQ-xNw9DKnL-62kPAfcm2NSPgp9o_tO5d-8_BUIp__Gjx6hN-lBxOjVRSDI1rRIRfm5RXJZ2_Ua3BGoMXFJk/s1600/317881_2525262244771_926760344_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #ea9999;"></span></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSSwLYdb4kCitnFmOLjE6PbPJYhZuCel98ixAG7rteDk3Ky_D8NJgUFYTyQ-xNw9DKnL-62kPAfcm2NSPgp9o_tO5d-8_BUIp__Gjx6hN-lBxOjVRSDI1rRIRfm5RXJZ2_Ua3BGoMXFJk/s1600/317881_2525262244771_926760344_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #ea9999;">Is this all life has in store for me? I
never really asked for too much. I rarely ask for anything at all. I
have learned to become easily contented. I have learned to demand less. I
am never high maintainenance. Maybe I should have been. I envy those
women who have their partners at their beck and call. Sometimes I think I
have mine only because he has no choice in the matter but if he had he
wouldn't be with me at all. I wish it wasn't this painful. I wish life
was easy. My life is no longer what it seems and I am no longer what I
should be. My life is withering away and I feel powerless to save it.
Maybe this is what is supposed to happen to me. Maybe even sorry is too
much to ask for anyway. Most times I feel like I am alone. I feel
hopeless. I just don't know anymore. Am I asking for too much? Do I
really deserve this? I don't know. I just feel so lost sometimes. </span></a></div>
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-57248480040478089272015-10-20T19:10:00.002+08:002015-10-20T19:10:45.182+08:00If assumptions could kill...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Assumptions here, there, everywhere. I never did like assuming things about others and it is sad that others like doing so about me. I can't believe that after all this time I still feel like I am living my life like it is high school all over again. I hate the fact that I am being judged based solely on what I wear, what I say or what I look like. It is not like I am still that young anyway. 30 isn't exactly 18. Sometimes I feel like I am still treated like a teenager when I am supposed to be treated like an adult. Hearing made up stories about you from the people that you trusted is not exactly a good thing. Just when you thought that they could be trusted, they end up stabbing you in the back. My life is crazy but I can handle it. Sometimes I just feel like there's this overwhelming weight pressing against me. I feel suffocated. I feel like all the air escaping my lungs and all the blood in my body rushing to my head. I feel like exploding sometimes and that is not exactly a good thing.<br />
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When is enough enough? When you know that the people who are supposed to be close to you are actually hurting you, confrontation gets difficult for some people especially those who are not used to confrontations. I am like that. I would rather pretend it isn't happening or just brush things off as I do not want to escalate things to a whole new level. I am a less hassle kind of person. Unfortunately, I am surrounded by people who enjoy hassling me around. In the end, I get different kinds of stress from different kinds of people and the situations they have created. I am a worrywart, I think and worry too much. This is why I always have a plan A, B and C. I hate not being prepared for anything. But this readiness is not exactly appropriate when it comes to these people and these situations. Most of the time I end up just stressing myself more. I can be a control freak. I like things to go as planned and when it doesn't, I have the sudden urge to get angry but somehow I have learned through the years that despite the fact that I should get frustrated during those times, I should also take deep breaths and try to calm myself. Somehow I am happy to say that I have succeeded in doing that most times.<br /><br />Opening up to others has never been my forte and somehow I feel like I am still having a hard time doing so. I blame my low self esteem for that. However, if needed be, I can be open, I can talk about things that needs to be discussed, I can be professional or personal, whichever you want me to be. Honesty is one thing that I like with people while I loathe assumptions and backstabbing. Sadly, hypocrites are everywhere. There could be one next to you now. Even people who are supposed to be your family can become hypocrites and it hurts me to find out that this is true. Sometimes when I hear made up stories from other people about what a close family member said about me, I frown and feel betrayed. I often think about why these people would treat me this way. I reflect on the things I have done to them and whenever I do, I relive the mistakes I have made to them and how I have done my best to atone for them. Sadly, I guess they think they aren't enough. These kinds of people and situations make me lose face even further.<br /><br />Sometimes I wonder what my life is worth. I wonder if anybody will miss me when I am gone. I think about the things that I have done for others and the things that I should have done for them. Of course, I think about myself as I am human too. But I always think about my life and if the way other people treat me is right. Do I deserve to be treated poorly or unfairly? Sometimes I don't know anymore. Assumptions and lies are painful and it hurts me deep inside. I rarely shed tears but when I do, you'll know they are for real. My life might not be perfect and I'm certainly not too but that doesn't mean that your assumptions, your lies and the pain you are causing me are welcome. I may look strong but I can be weak too. If assumptions could kill then I will probably be dead by now. The many assumptions people have speculated on and have uttered against me are just too much to bear. I guess I am just strong enough to take all of them for now but until when? I don't know now. <br /><br /><br /></div>
kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-22418386158564854062015-10-20T18:40:00.004+08:002015-10-20T18:40:51.136+08:00The Struggle Is Real<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The times have changed and so have I, <br />The paths I take, I hope are right,<br />My life right now isn't exactly perfect,<br />Some would say it is a mess,<br />But no matter what other people will say,<br />I will still think that tomorrow will be a better day.<br /><br />My life isn't perfect and so am I,<br />The decisions I've made, I hope are right,<br />The things I do now are not the things that I used to do,<br />How I am going to face things now, I still don't have a clue,<br />I am older and hopefully wiser,<br />But somehow there are times when I feel that is not true.<br /><br />Somedays I can't help but feel blue,<br />I know that stress is killing me,<br />Yet I feel like I should still keep pushing through,<br />Sometimes I feel irrelevant or perhaps that's how others make me feel,<br />Sometimes I feel wanted which I hope I will always feel.<br />Unfortunately, this isn't always clear. <br /><br />I hate it when I'm set aside,<br />I hate it when I have no choice but to hide. <br />Why do people not see me the way I want them to?<br />
Why do people continue to keep on hurting me so?<br />I feel tormented and so lost,<br />I feel like my life can be such a pain.<br /><br />I like living as there is so much to look forward to,<br />If only others will see it too.<br />But I hate living a life that is a lie,<br />I hate living a life that isn't mine.<br />Only time can tell if things will change for the better,<br />I can only stay optimistic for so long after all...<br />
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-12616456566391412372015-08-30T13:42:00.000+08:002015-08-30T13:42:18.205+08:00One Of Those Days When You Feel Like Ehh...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Has it really been months since I last visited this place? Yeah, well, my last post proves it. I haven't been here a lot lately because my life has been both hectic, productive yet only in experience but never in money, and most of all, stressful. September is near and then, I realize that this year will soon be coming to a close. I became 30 this year and what have I to show for? NOTHING! I find myself feeling down today as I came upon this realization. I feel like even if I have done so many things in the past few months, here I am, empty handed. Did I waste away all those months laboring away for nothing? I feel hollow now, empty and believing that it was all for naught. <br /><br />Today, I felt fed up. I felt like I wanted more and I deserved more but I guess life has another way of showing me I don't want it that much now and that I deserve better in the future. But when will I ever get what I want or what I deserve? Will life ever treat me fairly? I am done thinking that life is fair and that I can survive with perseverance and positvity. Maybe reality is a lot harsher than everybody thinks and that I should not ignore it because I get to face it every day. It has been months since we stopped working in the food business. Shattered dreams for sure. Working in a restaurant is difficult. It has given us new experiences however, the commercial kitchen is also a place filled with heartbreak. Never mind the pain of the heat that welcomes you every day, the rigorous prep time, the stressful lunch and dinner service, the hot oil that scalds you or the cuts from the knives, the fish fins or anything else that can make you bleed. Slaving away at a place where you never got to earn anything was just brutal. We hoped for something better and now, we are hoping still.<br />
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It has been two months since we started operating our new found business, our photobooth business. Although it was fun to study everything and have creative freedom over what we should and shouldn't do, we are now faced with the dilemma that many business owners have - How to get more customers. I am not 100% very good with PR but I am trying my very best. I have decided to stop being timid in order to promote better and yet, despite the fact that I have already sent text messages, online messages and posted on different groups, here we are, left with none. Although we do have one client as of the moment, we have come to realize that one client is not enough. It is frustrating to be this way. But I have not given up just yet. We intend to do more marketing - actual marketing in the real world next time - not like the online marketing which I have been doing for a while.<br />
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Expectations - I have come to realize that there should be none for it will always be the root of all heartache. Right now, apart from our own business, we have decided to help out in one of my mother's businesses. We are trying to be thorough with this one and because of this, we are hoping that everything will run smoothly. I have never had experience in sales. Yet, here I am braving this sort of business. The marketing and promotional events are taxing but someone needs to plan in order for them to work. The inventory and the paperwork is tiring as well but it has to be done. Now, comes the hard part, the encoding and the money involved. I never really liked Mathematics but this is worth trying. So, although the year has not been what I expected it to be, I am hopeful. Even if I am feeling like I want to be detached from my life forever and start a new one - I am hopeful. For being hopeful is the only way to go for me...<br />
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-81712539233413107422014-12-31T14:10:00.004+08:002014-12-31T14:10:23.518+08:002015: Typical Expectations, Unlikely Observations<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The New Year ushers a new beginning for everyone. As a year ends, it also feels like it ends one chapter in a person's life. Since the New Year is all about new beginnings, I have come to realize that it does not matter who you are and what you are. At some point, we all want the same things. Looking at the posts of many, if not all, of my friends on their social media accounts, I constantly see their wishes for 2015. Comparing them, I noticed the similarities. The obvious wishes include the following: To get rich or to be richer, to the loveless, to find a partner, for career and goal-oriented people, it is to get promoted, for the capricious, to be able to buy new gadgets, a car, a house or others things which will make them happy, for married couples who have been trying to conceive, their wish is to have a child, for those who have gained weight or are already plus size, to lose weight, for those who have vices or bad habits, wishing to be rid of them or to at least be able to resist them and lastly, the most obvious and less selfish of all wishes to have good health. We all wish for so many things. Call them New Year's Resolutions if you wish however, they are still expectations, no matter how you look at them.<br />
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Wishes which are not commonly uttered by many include: World Peace. It might be something that most beauty pageant contestants say but in reality, it is not exactly easily attainable. No matter how we try to achieve it, there can only be a period of peace and it does not last forever. There should be a balance after all and a little chaos mixed to peace is healthy. A cure for deadly disease. Developing one is not easy. Although many say there are already cures readily available to all of us, I believe we should not believe in tall stories. Wishing for the medical field to actually get serious with this and look for cures could take years, even decades, to actually be successful. But that does not mean we should not wish them. Most wishes for the New Year are made for us, not for others. We rarely wish for other people. Sometimes even never.<br />
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If I am going to be asked how I want my 2015 to be, I would say I don't know. I want so many things, true. However, I also know that reality has other plans and that God will lead us where he wants us to. I would probably wish for our businesses (if not all) will succeed. I am sure that everyone in our family would benefit from this wish. For this year, my husband and I are business and career-oriented thus, the said wish. But we also wish for good health and more patience. Despite the fact that many people around us constantly bug us to include in our priorities having a child, we just don't see that happening this year. This is our way of not being selfish. Our way of thinking how we are going to make him/her have a good life. But then again, there will always be people saying that there are so many poor people who cannot afford to feed themselves who have children every year. I am saddened that we are being compared to that when all we want is for the good of our future child. We always tell everyone that we will have one in God's perfect time but I guess even that simple answer is not enough to sate them any longer.<br />
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2015 has not started yet but just like everyone, I would like to welcome it with positive vibes. I know it won't be a perfect year (not like there is ever one) but I hope and pray that this year will be kind to me. I am used to riding the roller coaster of life after all so why is this year going to be any different? Why bother sharing your New Year's Resolutions when you will just be using the same one every year? Why can't we just keep on moving forward, hope and pray for the best and at the same time, work hard to get whatever goal we would like to get in the end? Everybody expects something from their 2015. I just hope that they are not just prepared for the good things but as well as the bad things that might come hand in hand this year. Sorry to burst your bubble but there is no magic. No fairy tale happy endings. Be grateful. Be happy no matter what 2015 has in store for you.<br />
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<b><i><span style="color: #ffd966;">2013 was a year filled with sadness when we lost our dear Lilly but it was also a time for a change when we decided to pursue our passion - food. 2014 was a year or many new beginnings and challenges. As we end this year, we all hope and pray that 2015 be a more beneficial year for all of us, no matter what it brings us. Good or bad, we will be fine. Bring it on, 2015!</span></i></b></div>
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-60726205442639035022014-12-24T23:09:00.001+08:002014-12-24T23:09:23.026+08:00Who Needs Someone...?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I have often wondered if human beings can ever live alone. I think we can. However, it is better not to. But some people still choose to live alone, distant from others, because they want to. To them, there are more benefits to being alone than from being with someone. Come to think of it, I guess the common benefits include not having to worry about anybody else, one gets to do everything he/she wants without considering others and just be comfortable to be one's self. But loneliness will always be a constant struggle. Overcoming loneliness is never easy. Which is why any succumb to taking their own lives. Suicide or even attempted suicide commonly happens to people who are alone and because they have detached themselves to the outside world, nobody will ever know they are gone until it is already too late. They must live hard lives but who am I to judge them? </span><br />
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<span style="color: #ea9999;">I am someone who can exist with someone or with no one. Sometimes I enjoy the company of others while I also treasure my time alone. I cannot live without either. When I was younger, I used to believe in destiny and soul mates. I used to think that there is one person fated for everyone. Some just find them earlier than others. But as I got older, I realized that being alone is a choice. It is pretty much just like happiness. I am not alone. I have a husband, a family, friends and other loved ones. But sometimes I feel either smothered when I get too much love while I feel troubled when I do not get enough. It is complicated. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #ea9999;">Although I am already married, I have to admit that my life is not fairy tale. It is not perfect. I am not a Disney princess and I did not marry Prince Charming. I do not live in an enchanted land or in a magical castle. I do not have a wicked stepmother or glass slippers. Sometimes I even wonder if this is the life for me or if I made the right choice. Nobody's perfect. We all make mistakes. But somehow at the end of the day, I know I have made some of them right. My husband and I sometimes have arguments and misunderstandings but at the end of the day, we try our best to be okay again. It is hard to sleep with bad feelings toward each other. But that's us. I wonder how other couples are. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #ea9999;">Honestly, I pity those who have partners who couldn't care less. Having arguments and misunderstandings are normal but dealing with them and making peace takes a lot of hard work and patience. If no one among the two are willing to try harder, to lower their pride and to be the grown-up then nothing will ever come out of it. Arguments and misunderstandings can lead to stress. They can lead to anger, frustration, loneliness and even regret. Why would anybody need someone who would never understand them? Trying to understand someone is okay since there is still effort involved. Putting effort in something or in someone means you are investing a part of yourself and your time for that person.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #ea9999;">Who needs someone? Some, if not, most, do. However, be ready for that someone because not everyone's lucky enough to get who and what they wish for. Accepting who and what you will receive wholeheartedly is never easy but one needs to try. Your happiness is up to you. You will never get it if you don't do anything about it. So, if you end up getting someone who only gives you loneliness then what is the point of staying with him/her? You can always keep on trying but what happens when you get fed up and you are pushed to the breaking point? Will you still need that someone then? Finding a partner forever is no easy task so choose wisely. Maybe we all need someone. Regardless if it is for love, for friendship or for employment. After all, no man is an island but who knows?</span><br />
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-20543239189469873892014-12-24T19:28:00.004+08:002014-12-24T19:28:56.176+08:00Christmas: To Love And To Loathe<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Ah, the holiday season! To most people, it is a good time to reunite with their family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances however, to some it isn't. The holiday season is a time to be merry, to eat delicious food, to exchange gifts and to drink a lot of booze but it is also a time to remember what Christmas truly is about. These days, Christmas is too commercialized to everyone. Whenever you ask someone about what matters to them every Christmas or what do they remember about Christmas, they say gifts, decorations, reunions, parties and food. Many people who should believe in Christ no longer celebrate this day as a celebration of the day of his birth but rather just a time to be with their loved ones. In fact, more people nowadays believe in Santa Claus on Christmas Day. It is a sad reality that we all must realize sooner or later.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #ea9999;">There are many things which I both like and dislike about the holiday season. Sure, I enjoy seeing my relatives whom I have not seen in a long time or even my friends or people I used to be associated with however, I am not so keen on being with them for so long as that is when things start to go ugly. I remember the different phases of questions I had to endure answering and reacting to in various holiday seasons. When I was in high school, I used to get asked when I would get a boyfriend. It was easy to avoid those questions then as I would simply blush and I said that the thought has not crossed my mind yet. Meanwhile, when I finally had a steady boyfriend and we have been together for so long, we would often get asked when will the wedding be. It was awkward as we were not thinking of getting married yet during those years and when we finally wanted to get married, we did not wait for Christmas last 2010 to get it done. I thought we would not be asked any more questions any holiday season soon. Unfortunately, I was dead wrong as the next year, we kept on hearing the question when will be having children. Honestly, it was frustrating. So when we finally had the chance to have a child, we were ecstatic. Everybody were. But then God gave her wings only after a week of being born last February 2013 and we were back to being just the two of us. 2013 was a painful year without her and being asked how she died was not exactly our favorite question to answer but we got to the acceptance stage eventually. Which now brings us to Christmas 2014. After almost two years of our sweet Lilly's passing, we are now feeling the pressure once more as we again hear questions about when we will be bearing another child in this world. Seeing so many of our relatives pregnant and having little ones does not ease that pressure, it only builds it even more. How I wish it would be easier next year. It is hard to be caught on the spot, in the hot seat especially when all our answers do not seem valid to most people. If only bearing a child was that easy...If only they would understand...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #ea9999;">I love eating good food during holidays. Although I know it is a pain to plan the menu, to shop for ingredients and most of all, to cook them all, at least, I can smile at the end of the day knowing that I have done all of them with love. I am not fond of the cleaning but it comes with the cooking so thus, inevitable. I am not anti-social. I just don't like to socialize too much. I guess I have a limit for these things which is why sometimes I tend to disappear in a room full of people. I always find a place to hide in case I feel the need to be absent and just be with me, myself and I. I love gift giving but I am not fond of shopping for gifts. I do enjoy wrapping gifts. I am just not fond of the trash the wrappers create. I don't like drama on holidays and most of the time, drama comes in many different shapes and forms. Mostly, they come from our loved ones who even if we know have dramatic lives and are somehow annoyed by their stories, we still end up listening, sympathizing, helping or even giving sound advice. So you see, these are the reasons why I both love and hate the holidays. Traffic is already a given so I did not add that here but maybe I am not the only one who thinks this way. Maybe there are also other people like me out there. So, while I wait for the clock to strike midnight, here I am writing all these to you and hoping that your Christmas Day will still be a good one regardless of all the things that you love and hate on Christmas Day. </span><br />
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-37271777476513836012014-11-13T11:14:00.001+08:002014-11-13T14:14:39.488+08:00My Love And Hate Relationship With My Braces<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i><span style="color: #ffd966;"><b>Me and my husband smiling with our braces on.</b></span></i></div>
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Braces, Extractions, Jackets, Retainers, Crowns, Monthly Cleaning, Teeth Whitening and the like. All of these might sound simple enough but to some people, they are considered frightening. A dentist's job is never easy and sometimes no matter how hard they try to be nice and gentle to their patients, they just end up not going back for their next appointments which of course disappoints them. I admit that I used to be one of them.<br />
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But why did I fear going to the dentist? Thinking about it now, I guess the only reason I can come up with is the fact that they have scary looking tools and that the idea of sitting in a dental chair seems like you are sitting in a torture device while the dentist continues to probe your mouth. I am sure this all sounds silly especially to adults but some people might have thought the same way I did. However, some people fear dentists because of their past experiences with some bad ones. Example: having the wrong tooth extracted or the anaesthesia administered to you did not take much effect yet and then a procedure gets started on you. Traumatic experiences like that make people generalize so even if they should not fear all dentists, they end up doing so.<br />
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Because of my fear of dentists, I have been scared of going to dental appointments. What's worse, my aunt is a dentist and she is our family dentist. I remember her telling me an embarassing story about me when I was young. That was my first tooth extraction. My parents had it done at home as I did not want to go to the clinic to have it done. My aunt said that I kept on shouting, crying and calling every single saint I knew. I was literally asking for help. I had to be held by my parents in order forthe extraction to finish and I kept on crying until I fell asleep. Through the years, that experience haunted me and even if I was already told early on, during my high school years, that I should get braces, I did not. I dodged every single attempt which led me to getting them later in life.<br />
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I am turning 30 this year and I have had my braces for almost 2 years now. I don't know how it happened. It was all still a blur. Somehow I was able to just endure and persevere through all the pain of having it done and the continuous pain that comes with every single adjustment that goes with it. I remember that when I first got it, it was hard for me to eat everything I wanted. I had to abstain from eating crunchy, hard and sticky food. Chips were a big no-no. Gummy candies were not allowed either. Even crunchy pig or chicken skin as well as popcorn. I thought I would go mad at first but look at me now. Unlike me who has had these braces for some time now, my husbnd just got his last night and he has been complaining already. Now, he keeps on apologizing to me as he realized how hard it must have been for me. I should be happy with payback but I guess I can't. I know what he is going through and will be going through.<br />
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Luckily for me, I was told that I will be having mine removed by next year but oddly enough, I refused. Why? I am not really sure. Maybe I am scared that with it gone, my teeth won't be in their fixed state any longer. I can adapt to the change, I just wanted to be assured that there won't be any gaps in between my teeth afterward. Whether it is separation anxiety issues or I am just being a masochist, I just hope that everything will pay off soon. I know my husband still has a long way to go but I know he will be able to cope with the changes.<br />
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If I can give advices to other people who are considering getting braces, I will tell them the truth. The truth braces are like torture devices. They continue to pain you, the longer it is in you. You will suffer in more ways than one. Each person with braces will have his/her own share of misfortunes because of it. You will grow to hate it, be disgusted by it but in the end, it will all be worth it. For me, I see it now as a journey, a roller coaster ride if you will. No matter how many awkward, painful, embarassing or hilarious moments happen to you because of them, they will end and I think that by refusing to have mine removed early next year is testament to the fact that once you get used to the discomfort of having one, you will just find it have to separate ways. Call me crazy if you will but I am sure I am not the only person that this happened to.<br />
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Dentists are not the same scary monsters that most children see them as. They are merely doctors of our teeth. I guess as an adult, I can now say that no matter how filthy and how gross it is to have their hands on other people's mouths to get to their teeth, they will still do their jobs as dentists which is something that most people often neglect to see. I may still be in slight pain right due to my newly adjusted braces but I cannot bring myself to imagine what my teeth woud have been now if not for them. Thankfully, I still have my aunt to help me get these despite all the misgivings I have done to her and all the other dentists out there. Now, I can say that there's more to life than being afraid of a dentist and what he/she can do.</div>
kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-26972831636191341262014-11-12T11:50:00.002+08:002014-11-12T11:55:27.700+08:00Changes: Our Lives Then & Now<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #ea9999;">Time heals wounds. Now, I can testify
to that. My life has had its fair share of ups and downs and although
I would like to say that I am stronger now, I think that is not
enough to make me better prepared for what's yet to come. After
surviving a very tragic pregnancy which lead to the demise of our
first child, our lives came at a stand still. We both were shattered
by our loss and have thought of giving up several times. I have
constantly cried not just in my sleep but in nearly every waking hour
of the day. But after months of tears, my husband and I have decided
to move on. We know for a fact that we will never forget what we have
lost however, we realized that our child will not be happy to see us
this way. Instead of continuing to cry over her, we made her our
inspiration to strive harder. It was back to work for me and back to
school for both of us. This time, we decided to explore our love for
food. It was a journey that we know we will never forget and never
regret. Culinary school is not as easy as it seems however, we were
glad to have been a part of something that made us more passionate
about food. Life in the kitchen is tough and at the moment, we only
hope that we will be able to survive it.
</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ea9999;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Looking back on the years that have
passed as we embark on our journey to becoming cooks, we realized
that there's just so much we have missed. If only we could turn back
the hands of time, we could have been more exposed to the world of
food earlier on. Culinary school taught us many different things.
Apart from the knowledge which we have gained, we also gained some
new-found friends and mentors. Although we may not know what the
future will hold for all us, we remain hopeful that one day, we will
all be able to get somewhere with the knowledge and skills that we
have learned and that with each passing day, we will continue to grow
and become better. Life is different now so it seems. Yet, it still
feels the same. I will always find happiness in food however, now, I
can't seem to find it much in the food that I eat if I know it was
not homemade or made with love. Fast food used to be yummy, now, I
just enjoy eating it when I am exhausted and have no time to cook for
myself. Knowing things that I did not know before about food made
that difference. Any other changes? Sure, plenty.
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><br />
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Back in the day, we were more concerned
about when the next anime, gaming or toy convention will be as we
would like to attend them, take photos of cosplayers, get some
freebies or even buy something otaku-related. Now, all we can think
about is going to the next food convention despite the fact that most
of the big ones happen in SMX which is very far away from us. In the
past, I was the only one who enjoyed going to bookstores especially
second hand bookstores due to my love for reading fiction. Now, even
my husband enjoys going to the same places because we now have love
for books and magazines related to food. It looks like our
bookshelves will be filled with a whole lot of them soon enough.
Shopping was not something that we enjoyed however, now, we enjoy
shopping – shopping for anything we can use in the kitchen only
though but it is still considered a change. We no longer see kitchen
utensils, equipment, ingredients, fresh produce and food itself the
same way. Culinary education and kitchen life has changed all of
that. In fact, even watching MasterChef became both more interesting
and less interesting. More interesting because we can now analyze
some aspects better but less interesting due to the unfairness of who
gets to be booted out every week.
</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #ea9999;">On television, the life of a chef
always seems so grand, so eventful, so different. But once you
immerse yourself into the field, you will soon realize that it is not
all that. Unfortunately, that is what the general public do not
understand. Most people believe what they see on TV and so, whenever
they find out that you went to Culinary school, they immediately
think of you as a chef which is of course, not true. Having proper
education will of course give you a leg up on others however, if you
do not practice or pursue your dream of working in a kitchen then,
what is the point of being educated in the Culinary field? Whenever
we get asked if we are chefs, we say that we are cooks. We might be
educated but we know that we are not yet that educated to be called
chefs. We have not even earned the right to be called that. Wearing a
chef's jacket and a toque might just too much for us as the moment
especially since we have not taken the TESDA NCII examination yet.
Hopefully, after applying everything that we have learned in school
in our daily kitchen duties and after taking that exam, we can be
proud enough to be called chefs. For now, our journey has merely just
begun. Hopefully, after a few years time, it will all be worth it. </span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #ea9999;">In reality, life in the kitchen is filled with both blood, sweat and tears. Every cook/chef needs to invest not just time and effort in the kitchen but creativity as well. Life in the kitchen is hard and draining. Very different from what we see, read and hear about. But no matter how un-glamorous the kitchen life may be, we are here to stay. Whether we become famous or not, does not matter much to us as we only care for those who we make happy with the food that we create. That's what real happiness is to us right now. Definitely a big difference to what happiness used to mean for both of us. Hopefully, our passion and sincerity for what we do will come through everything and anything that gets made in our kitchen at home and at work. This is our life now. Better make the most out of it.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPnZ9O_ZpneEweoGuMPgGW3jjNuDAZWuVzTdtIpeYjIsh1_EDnhOOwK2ZkxUQu9t2bnpi16W84z3jtJ6LZL_JH5054hnnJbPQv7rmj4P54nHjYKGsXzbqxj-ITzg3ElzHUn1FY12CNUFo/s1600/1231536_10201524899578257_2038384836_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPnZ9O_ZpneEweoGuMPgGW3jjNuDAZWuVzTdtIpeYjIsh1_EDnhOOwK2ZkxUQu9t2bnpi16W84z3jtJ6LZL_JH5054hnnJbPQv7rmj4P54nHjYKGsXzbqxj-ITzg3ElzHUn1FY12CNUFo/s320/1231536_10201524899578257_2038384836_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #f9cb9c;"> Our first day in school.</span></i></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdle465wT5l9qpigbAcP_3GvCftaKNq4LYkIl8Aa4chaSlONPRACDELofgEACYvXc0iAH4SJE0_6InWI6LeKkFLZ-_ihGEWejZrnJDdJIA_mXVMcbZee1GU7ez4d4YhIAfAjG9ykt2Llo/s1600/15089_10201524899698260_1671460423_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdle465wT5l9qpigbAcP_3GvCftaKNq4LYkIl8Aa4chaSlONPRACDELofgEACYvXc0iAH4SJE0_6InWI6LeKkFLZ-_ihGEWejZrnJDdJIA_mXVMcbZee1GU7ez4d4YhIAfAjG9ykt2Llo/s320/15089_10201524899698260_1671460423_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #ffe599;"> First time in the kitchen as we practice our safety & sanitation. (HACCP)</span></i></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyyM72_Z6oHUYBtcxZX8srn7WnVgIcPqnQccmPr3YwWkI_qUS_e7EqfO6ITpzXwTseehGf6y9u-u8qEQBHmGsrRSmjF6liiIahZzapC-0zbAIbSOEEyPGGSi3ROWXlZylYWCz1VOr1iY8/s1600/1379587_10201582880627747_519797708_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyyM72_Z6oHUYBtcxZX8srn7WnVgIcPqnQccmPr3YwWkI_qUS_e7EqfO6ITpzXwTseehGf6y9u-u8qEQBHmGsrRSmjF6liiIahZzapC-0zbAIbSOEEyPGGSi3ROWXlZylYWCz1VOr1iY8/s320/1379587_10201582880627747_519797708_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #f9cb9c;">Our first kitchen hands on with Chef Rudolf Ranada.</span></b></i></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #ffe599;"><i><b> Hubby and I in our chefs' jackets. </b></i></span></div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #ffe599;">Fruit and Vegetable Carving With Chef Vicky. </span></b></i></div>
</div>
kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-67838640398321575382014-11-09T16:16:00.000+08:002014-11-09T16:45:01.505+08:00A Part Of Something You're Not. At Least Not Completely.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Sometimes it is nice to just be alone in a busy place while everyone moves, you just observe everything and everyone as they mind their own business without a care in the world. It is nice to just be quiet and content that somehow, someway, you are a part of something that you are not.<br />
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Somehow I find joy in watching people. As odd as it seems, I find the said activity relaxing. Eavesdropping, no matter how accidental, can be amusing especially knowing you do not know the people who are talking and who or what the hell they are talking about.<br />
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Seeing families bonding, make me imagine what it would be like to have one and continue to yearn for our child who we have lost so soon. Seeing an artist draw peacefully on his sketchpad with a contented look on his face despite the fact that the life of an artist is hard and not a job that would earn you so much money.<br />
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Groups of people laughing as they tell funny stories to each other while old people without anyone with them pass by, makes this life bittersweet, a mixture of both happiness and sadness rolled in one.<br />
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Although this might not be considered deafening silence, I consider this moment as one of my many treasured silent moments. After all, taking a break from a busy life does not only mean doing other less stressful activities but rather, also a time for one's self and for reflection, which is something I have already missed.<br />
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Lucky are those who get the chance to do this every day...<br />
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-78705966358052975092014-01-28T10:19:00.001+08:002014-01-28T10:19:02.052+08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/3362917/?claim=a2kprp3uhhm">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a></div>
kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-30139219789836641602014-01-27T18:09:00.000+08:002014-01-27T18:10:39.431+08:00I am Not Anti-Social Even If Some People Think I Am...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="color: #f4cccc;">Sometimes it is hard to explain your
predicament to other people when you are not sure what they are going to say to
you or how they are going to react. I am tired of babbling. I no longer want to
explain further. Sometimes it gets tedious to get to know new people especially
when I know that they will never get along well with me. This is why I keep
myself civil in front of people that I don't feel opening up to. Even if I know
that some of them have bad attitudes, personalities or even histories, I no
longer want to get involved. I no longer want to know. I have learned in life
that sometimes it is better to just become apathetic for only those who truly
care will exert effort to get to know you better and to open up to you and vice
versa. The world is filled with people who are hard to trust. I am a nice
person. Everybody tells me that but I have learned to know my limits. I have
realized that nice people are almost always taken advantage of. I am done being
that doormat to some people who either want to do such a thing on purpose or
those who accidentally do it. I have vowed never to be one again and I never
want to put such a fate upon others. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #f4cccc;">Sometimes it is best to just keep things quiet. I am way past my chatty self. I no longer am the young happy go lucky young woman who I used to be. I wish I was but then again, reality has hardened me. For every dent it has given to me, to every blow, I remain here. Although I have been bruised and sometimes badly wounded to the point that I feel like I will never be repaired once more, I rose to the occasion. I am done being perceived as something that I am not. I am done doing things for others who do not appreciate me. Most of all, I am tired of trying to get to know people better when I know that nothing will come out of it. Sure, these ideas sound like I am turning into an anti-social person but then again, I do not think so. What is wrong with staying true to the fact that we should choose our friends? I am older now and somehow wiser but somehow I am still na</span><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #f4cccc;">ï</span><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #f4cccc;">ve to things out there in this world. Things that might hurt me or cause harm to those around me. I do not want to risk that. I should be more cautious now. Is there anything wrong with that?<br /><br />I know I can never give good enough reasons to immediately shut down in front of a group of people. I am not like that. I like to observe first and assess the situation. If I know that there might be some things that I should do to make things work with new people to become friends with them then so be it. But if I keep on trying and see that nothing good will result from my efforts then what for? I would rather not waste my time on such things. Call it the love me or hate me, I don</span><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #f4cccc;">’</span><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #f4cccc;">t care attitude if you will. But I don</span><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #f4cccc;">’</span><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #f4cccc;">t want to turn a blind eye, play deaf or be mute to many things. I am still human after all so the point of socializing is still valid. This is why even to this day, I am socializing. There is a need for it. It is my nature. But I have learned to limit myself through the years and somehow I have no regrets. I cherish my friends, my real friends. Those who really care about me and really want to be my friend will always make me complete. Who needs more people who will only give you stress when you can have people who won</span><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #f4cccc;">’</span><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #f4cccc;">t? Think about it. </span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1e_WPf6PoAGRQA8wv3GN8VrwXw5vtz5Q1tZB3WS0hbdj4PT7naUNflTgydNGNmoQWxdWlCzpEf1VIDiBmHBGzMRdHdR_IMvKXLC9JcIjlAB66Z1yTD06pGiCR_HZYVtT3PwpqGQdZq88/s1600/large+(2).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1e_WPf6PoAGRQA8wv3GN8VrwXw5vtz5Q1tZB3WS0hbdj4PT7naUNflTgydNGNmoQWxdWlCzpEf1VIDiBmHBGzMRdHdR_IMvKXLC9JcIjlAB66Z1yTD06pGiCR_HZYVtT3PwpqGQdZq88/s1600/large+(2).jpg" height="314" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: #ffe599;"> It is hard to live a double sided life. </span></i></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcozQw523J3Xk4L1dE_i8w_WmPLOigqqsyXZv5sRqcY_AY8AUoVOrw6H9wRg-g7SVNV-Y8n2SXXg9JQMnPl0XtXoPiG7qRe3AXliw2pTkrGr3QlJT8BjaYaJBqBQMj8iAw0kCOOhNtqgM/s1600/large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcozQw523J3Xk4L1dE_i8w_WmPLOigqqsyXZv5sRqcY_AY8AUoVOrw6H9wRg-g7SVNV-Y8n2SXXg9JQMnPl0XtXoPiG7qRe3AXliw2pTkrGr3QlJT8BjaYaJBqBQMj8iAw0kCOOhNtqgM/s1600/large.jpg" height="216" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: #f9cb9c;"> Just because I cannot or will not conform with the norms does not mean that I am different in a bad way. What if I am just different because I want to? So, what if I am misunderstood? I am socially awkward. Live with it!</span></i></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIYdu28GEaUa8v4VXA1AOYCpmVzrFBtXHGLFy_z1sLluRvpX-gtZdwtByx63fnbr6ErJ7zlOBCYHnfIyrZQTcH1cUorodmrsTqfEVP13uF0SjJUwBpFDXPbLQyKB1DOW73G8AFFXvYMfQ/s1600/large+(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIYdu28GEaUa8v4VXA1AOYCpmVzrFBtXHGLFy_z1sLluRvpX-gtZdwtByx63fnbr6ErJ7zlOBCYHnfIyrZQTcH1cUorodmrsTqfEVP13uF0SjJUwBpFDXPbLQyKB1DOW73G8AFFXvYMfQ/s1600/large+(1).jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: #ffe599;"> I know I would be happier though if I did not mind what others thought or said...</span></i></b></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US"><b><i><span style="color: #f9cb9c;">In the end, maybe one of the biggest reasons as to why I don't interact much is the fact that I no longer want to be involved in drama and unnecessary things. I also am allergic to idiotic and most of all fake people. I have learned my lesson. I wish other people will too. But don't judge me. I am not anti-social. I just feel like being indifferent to things that I should be indifferent to. Sometimes shutting down is better than being a sponge. I don't want to absorb everything. I want to use a filter this time. </span></i></b></span></div>
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-31141243838614256592013-11-20T22:25:00.002+08:002013-11-20T22:25:24.930+08:00My Thoughts About Reunions And Farewells<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">A realization hit me today as I was walking to work. It does not matter if it has only been a couple of days, weeks, months or years. The reality is that change is inevitable. But then again when all has been said and done, what is there left to say or do? Reunions can become awkward especially when farewells were bitter, left open ended and even were abrupt. I am not a fan of farewells but they can't be avoided. Reunions can be done but sometimes I question myself if I really have to. Either way, both aren't easy to deal with in one's life. </span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Just recently, I saw people that I used to work with somewhere. There were two groups of people. The first group ended up inviting me to work with them again which I gladly accepted knowing that they were a pleasure to work with. As for the other group of old co-workers, although I did make a connection with a couple of people there, there were more people that I did not want to see. I even felt uncomfortable talking to them. After all, what is there left to say or do? The last time that I was working with them, I was pregnant and was expecting a child. Now, I am a childless mother working hard for myself and my husband. I did not want to be asked how I was. I did not want to be asked what happened to my child and why she passed away. I did not want to be pitied on or judged. I know that whatever I am going through now is no longer that stage. Although I will forever wish that my child was here with me, there is nothing I can do anymore. </span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">It is already the middle of November and I have been swamped with so many different things. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the time when my life used to be simple but I guess there is no turning back now. I know I don't have a time machine and I can never turn back the hands of time. If only it was possible to just relive some moments in the past and stay there even for a couple of minutes. I would do anything just to go back to the time when my child was alive and breathing. I would like to touch her again, feel her soft and warm skin. I would like to feel that part of me that is now missing. Nowadays, I only feel alive because I know I have to keep on living. I only feel alive because I know there are still people around me that matter and I know that they wouldn't want me leaving. Not yet. Not right now. It is too early for that. </span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">My heart constantly aches whenever I think of farewells. I have done so many of them in the past. In fact, I know that I should have become better at them. Unfortunately, I haven't changed a bit and each time I have to do it, I find myself lost especially because I know how hard it is to lose someone. I have lost two important people in my life this year and I know I can never have them back no matter how hard I want them to be with me. Life goes on. Farewells happen even if we don't want them to. Reunions happen even when you least expect them. No matter how unwelcomed they may be. I think I should make peace with the demons of my past. There was a time when I felt like running or hiding. I did it and had been successful at it but now that I am older, I just don't see the sense of it anymore. What would I achieve from that? Will I be more at peace after? The answer is <b>NO</b>. All it ever does is give me is the feeling of temporary easiness then I am back to being uneasy again. I don't want to be the person that I once was. I am a lot better now. I want to be able to be prepared for the next farewell and the next reunion that would happen to me. I just hope that I will really be the person that I am supposed to be...</span></div>
kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-6263090233856483292013-10-18T19:57:00.000+08:002013-10-18T19:57:33.661+08:00My Thoughts On Compromising And Complaining<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Odd. I don't understand why some people don't have anything else to do but complain despite the fact that they should be busy with things that are far more important than that. I honestly will never understand such people. I have never been so stressed out in such a short time ever. People who complain give me negative vibes. People who do it everyday give me a headache. People who have nothing else to do but complain without even knowing what the word compromise means keeps me up at night.</span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">I have been hearing of the word, compromise, for a long time now. It is applicable not just at work but also when it comes to relationships, whether romantic or not. Through the years, I learned what it truly meant. Through the years, I have realized that compromising is not easy although that does not mean that it isn't worth trying. Through compromising, more people benefit from it. Through it, more people become happier. I wonder why people who constantly complain have never heard of it. Perhaps they have. Perhaps they are just not into it or never want to do it. It takes a brave and strong person to learn how to compromise. </span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Why compromise when I can just complain my heart out? Sure. I have heard that before. I have gotten used to hearing it. I have gotten used to being with people who only care about themselves. I hate selfish people. I hate people who things about their needs above others all the time. I would understand if people would only have moments of selfishness and then eventually learn to compromise. What I will never understand are people who just go about doing whatever they want and then complain when they can't get what they want. Will there ever be hope for people who are this way? To be honest, I do not know myself. All I know is that true change should come from the heart and if a person does not want to change then it does not matter how many people influence him/her to do so. In the end, nothing will ever come out of it. </span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Professionally, compromising is something that employees, bosses and the rest of the staff at an office needs to do. However, what happens when the employees and the rest of the staff will become selfish and just look after their own interests? Of course, it would end disastrously. Just like building good and harmonious relationships, we will never have one if we don't learn to give and take. As an employee, I know this well. I have had good bosses and bad ones. However, I don't regret those experiences for I have learned a lot from them. I have learned that compromising can only work if people want to do it and if there is something in exchange for it. If an employee will be willing to compromise then the bosses should too. Compromise is not exactly a popular word because it is synonymous to sacrifice. Nobody wants to sacrifice anything. That is the harsh truth of life. If only more people will become more selfless then maybe the world will become a better place...</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikNSTxPWtXWCdzuRlRvvL46q_UDtOTnHXswmj8crDdWTD2VOpPhcbLBX549OVqYSYHtOroYarcQiA81l7OBcBvJd0CXq425X9VqVYgZP6SwHeL6liXZEiOPODHkQn0LZd1_74-iSYvdu4/s1600/learn+to+compromise.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikNSTxPWtXWCdzuRlRvvL46q_UDtOTnHXswmj8crDdWTD2VOpPhcbLBX549OVqYSYHtOroYarcQiA81l7OBcBvJd0CXq425X9VqVYgZP6SwHeL6liXZEiOPODHkQn0LZd1_74-iSYvdu4/s320/learn+to+compromise.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: #ffe599;">If only more people would learn not to complain so much then we would be able to avoid conflict. If only more people will learn to compromise then there would be more peace around us.</span></i></b></div>
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-17912364473954490842013-10-14T18:16:00.001+08:002013-10-14T18:16:23.037+08:00Oh, The Reality Of Life!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Sometimes I find myself drifting away. I feel like I am dreaming. I feel like I am not supposed to be here. But then I realize that everything is true and that something that I love is truly gone, never to return, never will I see again. Oh, the reality of life!</span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">I am back to work in an office again. At the moment, I have two part time jobs. One is a writing job and the other a teaching job. Although I am used to teaching students, sometimes I still feel like I shouldn't be doing this again especially since I lost Lilly while working for a different online teaching company. Meanwhile, although writing is fun, sometimes I find myself losing time for it. Nowadays, I need to be able to budget my time more. It just gets harder because apart from work, I also need to devote the rest of my time for school.</span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Culinary school is fun. I never expected it to be this way. I never expected to even take it. But now that I am doing so, I should be brave enough to welcome new challenges and perhaps even brave this unknown journey which I don't know where it would take me. I love cooking and baking for fun. I like feeding my husband, my family and other people. I love it when they enjoy whatever I prepare for them. But sometimes I question if those reasons would be enough for me to be successful in the said industry. Whether or not, I shall be a successful chef someday, only God knows. </span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Sometimes apart from drifting away, I feel myself being anxious. I hate feeling anxiety especially when it makes me feel inadequate. I don't like feeling so crippled. I wish I could do more but sometimes I succumb to my fears, to my anxieties. I just have to learn to let go. I have to learn to be better one way or another. Although many people see me in a positive light, sometimes I feel pressured because of that. I feel pressured that people think I can do whatever I want and succeed in them. I feel pressured to do better and in the end, not do well at all. I wish people would understand that but then again, who am I to complain?</span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">The second week of October is here. Yet it has been both busy and not busy. Coping with the changes is something that I am good at. I only hope that I haven't gotten rusty yet. For now, my other motivation to be something better is no longer with me, but that doesn't mean that I should stop striving hard for her. One day, I know my little Lilly, who is now in heaven, would be proud to call me her Mommy. I hope I will not disappoint her one way or another...</span><br />
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-40816706037783328352013-10-03T21:29:00.004+08:002013-10-03T21:29:53.280+08:00Hello October...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">October has just begun. So many months has passed since I last wrote something here. Time might have passed by and yet, I still grieve for what I have lost. My beautiful daughter could have been 8 months old this month. Oh, the joys she would have brought upon us. But now, all I can do is dream and think of better days. I have survived the months filled with longing. Although I still cry at times whenever I wish my little Lilly was with me, I know that there is nothing I can do about it now. Starting over is never easy. The paths were rocky and unclear but I continued walking hand in hand with my husband in this unexpected journey. Although the paths have started to clear for both of us, there are still some paths that we have to go to blindly. As we continue to cling on to our faiths, we have only one another to survive everything. </span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">October might have just begun but both of us are hoping for the best. I might not know what will happen next but I am praying that God will lead the way for both of us. 2013 might not have been the year that we have expected it to be. It was filled with nothing but sorrow, hardship and pain but hopefully, this year will end better than it started. We will miss so many people who have been a part of our lives who have passed away this year. Sometimes I wonder if they were all meant to leave us this way. Although are hearts continue to weep and yearn for them, we know we can never bring them back here. But that doesn't mean that we will no longer think about them or even tell them how much we love them. They are in our prayers still.</span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Oh, October, please be kind to me. Isn't that always what everyone asks for during the start of a new month? I would be a hypocrite if I would say that I would not ask for the same thing. A new beginning, a new life. A lot of changes have happened and a lot more will arrive. I just hope I can be ready and that I will be ready to take them all. My life is not exactly perfect at the moment. It never was and it never will but sometimes I wish it was. Sometimes I wish everything was clear. So, October, please be a better month for me. Please take away the sadness and just give me clarity...</span><br />
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-48202654165618286612013-05-31T20:45:00.001+08:002013-05-31T20:46:44.061+08:00A Poem For My Lilly: Longing For You <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b><i><span style="color: #f4cccc;">I wrote this poem today as I felt myself missing you again, Lilly. I know I can never turn back time and that I can never go back to being with you. I miss you so much. My heart continues to ache for you. This goes out to you. I love you, Anak...</span></i></b><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #ea9999;">There's this aching feeling that won't go away,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">A feeling of longing and loneliness that is always at bay,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Why am I feeling this pain and why do things have to be this way?</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I wish you stayed,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">That is what we wanted, </span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">That is what we prayed.</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I long to hold you, </span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I long to kiss you,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Can't I just be with you?</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I was happy when you were here,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I was proud that you were here,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I only wish that you were near.</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I prayed for your recovery,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I thought God would never take you away.</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I wished for him to grant my wishes and to let my prayers come true.</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I waited and waited with hope,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I held on tightly and closed my eyes,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I believed he would never let you go,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">But God had other plans for you,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">God took you away from me,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">You are now an angel with wings and a halo to match.</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I cry when I miss you,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I cry when I wish that you are here,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I can never bring you back, </span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">No one can and no one will.</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Is this a part of God's plans for me?</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Is this truly what he wants?</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I question him each day,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">But nothing can change what was done,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Nothing can bring back what was gone.</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I will miss you forever and think of your each day,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Don't worry; my dear daughter, I will remember you every day,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">For my love is greater than anything,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Not even death can keep us away.</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I love you,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I know you love me too.</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Never forget me,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">For I will never forget you.</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Forever you will be a part of me,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">A part of my heart left with you,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I wish you didn't leave me,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Forever you will be a missing part of me.</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Thank you for everything,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I am sorry for many things,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I will continue to ache for you,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I will continue to love you,</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;">Thank you for loving me too...</span></div>
kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-27971299114608937902013-05-27T21:30:00.000+08:002013-05-31T20:45:55.485+08:00Death Is Real And No Matter How Hard We Try, We Cannot Escape It But We Can Only Accept It<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #ea9999;">It is a sad year for me and my family as so far, there have been three deaths in our family this year. First, the death of my grandmother last January then, the death of my daughter, Lilly, last March and now, the death of my father's cousin. All of them died at different times in their lives. One died late in her life, the other so very early in her's while the other is in the middle of his. Such instances only proves that death can come anytime. It comes unannounced. It comes without warning. It can come even when you least expect it. Death is a natural process of life. The order of when a person dies is the only thing that is unnatural. </span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #ea9999;">I know that my mother as well as her siblings still grieve for my grandmother while, my husband and I continue to grieve because we lost Lilly in our lives. I know that my father's relatives are mourning and grieving too for their recent loss. Because death breaks hearts and makes them ache continuously, it can also change people's lives as well as their personalities. </span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #ea9999;">The death of my daughter has made me different. Now, I am very sensitive with everything that has a connection with her. Even the slightest things that I find randomly can make me remember her. Sometimes I still cry. Sometimes I feel angry. Sometimes I just feel lost. There will always be the feeling of guilt gnawing at me. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for letting my child die. I could have done something even if I knew there was nothing that I could do. The pain is overwhelming. It cripples me to the core but I continue pushing forward like a person lost in the darkness, hoping to find the light.</span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #ea9999;">It is sad that things have to be this way but this is the natural order of life. I would have wanted to be a proud parent. I would have doted on my daughter. I would have made her feel my love every single day. But there is nothing I can do about that. Her passing has taught me how to accept things that I cannot change even though it is hard to do so. I am learning to survive each passing day without her. I know my mother and her siblings are doing the same thing. My father's relatives will have to learn that too. </span><br />
<span style="color: #ea9999;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #ea9999;">The death of a loved one doesn't mean it is the end of the world. Sometimes we just need to hang in there and just let everything pass. There is no time limit for grieving even though they say that time can help heal wounds. Losing someone you love is one of the most inconsolable things that can happen to anyone. Everyone who has lost someone has the right to grieve no matter how long it takes. Death can never be repaired. A loved one who died can never be replaced or brought back. Death is inevitable. </span></div>
kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-39888600156661463182013-05-10T12:19:00.001+08:002013-05-10T12:19:31.498+08:00I'm Okay. I'm Coping...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">When someone you ask tells you he/she is okay, do you believe it? Some do while some don't. I have been telling everyone exactly that many times especially after my daughter's death. Unfortunately, I have been only partially honest with them. In fact, I am not okay. Not 100 percent that is. But I am coping. Coping is better than giving up to the grief and sense of loss that I am feeling. Things are somehow becoming "normal", my new normal that is. </span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">I have been doing more and more lately. Chores and anything of the like. I am also back to work. Many people see this as progress. Many people think I am getting back in track and that this is good for me. Sure, it is. I don't disagree with that and I never doubt it. Life goes on somehow. However, what they don't know is, I don't want to do all this. Not wholeheartedly that is. If I am going to be 100 percent honest with myself, all I ever want to do is grief my baby's loss and do a little soul searching. I want to take it easy and just reflect on what I should and shouldn't do. I have a lot of new planning to do after all. Especially since all our previous plans can no longer be done because she is gone. It is a big leap of faith for me and what I am doing right now is the total opposite of some of it. </span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">I enjoy what I am doing now but I still feel empty inside. I laugh and smile on the outside but if you take a look into my eyes and my heart, you would see and know of the sadness that I keep in there. I am still fragile despite my strong and hard looking shell. There is a time to cry. That is what everybody said. But what they don't know is that I still cry at times. Just like today when my husband and I had a little petty misunderstanding. No, I did not cry because he made me cry. I cried because I missed my baby again and I realized that if she was alive right now, I would be busy taking care of her and would be stressed out and sleepless over it however, I know I would be happy that she is with me. </span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">I wish people will understand that things will never be normal for me no matter how hard I try. Things will just be the new normal because I will go on even when my heart breaks every time I remember her and long for her. She is not a bad memory. She is a good one. She just brings sadness and tears in my eyes because I want her to be here. I love her so much. My heart aches but I will keep on doing things to keep myself busy and preoccupied. This is the only way I can go on everyday. This is the only way for me to forget this pain even just for a moment. I will never forget her. She will forever be a part of me. I just wish people would remember. </span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">I just wish they would realize that I am a grieving mother and that grieving doesn't take a short time. Sometimes it takes forever. And all I want is their understanding. Would they be able to give me that? I guess I won't know for sure. Not yet now. It is too early. So the next time you ask me if I am okay, I will tell you I am and that I am coping but now that you know the truth about that answer, I guess you won't believe me anymore. Don't worry too much. Just let me grieve. Let me do what I can and what I want. Let me tire myself. Just let me be. I don't want to be misunderstood and I am not prepared to fight anyone. I am not emotionally ready for it. It will only hinder my progress of relieving myself of the pain. So, please just support me. That is all I ask of all of you. Thank you...</span></div>
kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-60743746677176957752013-04-27T23:06:00.000+08:002013-04-27T23:10:28.492+08:00My Letters To Heaven For You, Lilly #2<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b><i><span style="color: #ea9999;">Dear Lilly,</span></i></b><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">I don't want you to be remembered as nothing but a memory instead I want you to be here right now. I want to see you grow into a beautiful lady. I want to do so many things with you but I know I can't. Not anymore. Mommy is sad because of that. Because I know I can never touch you again. I want to hold you in my arms badly. I want to see your smile. I want to wipe away your tears. I want to make you happy. I want to feel proud that I made you each day. I want to feel complete every day. I want to feel like I did something right. I want you to be alive, healthy and well. But all the things that I want can never be. Not now that you are gone. I miss you so much again tonight. Mommy is feeling lost again. I don't know what to do. I have asked God so many times why he took you away from me but I never got an answer. Too bad I never will. Your Daddy and I prayed so hard to have you but now that you are gone, we are praying hard again to have another. Sometimes I feel guilty when I say that in my prayers because I feel like I am replacing you. Nothing can ever replace you my Lilly. You will forever be our daughter, our first born. Your siblings will know you. I promise to tell them about you. But how will I explain why you are gone? I don't know how to. Mommy is having another grief attack today. All because I miss you so much and I am dying slowly deep inside. Sorry if I am crying again. Mommy cannot help it. I envy everyone with babies. I envy them because we had you for a short while. I could have wished we had you longer. How will I cope? How will I deal? I hope you will continue to watch over us. Until we see each other again. I love you forever...</span><br />
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<b><i><span style="color: #ea9999;">Love, </span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="color: #ea9999;">Mommy</span></i></b></div>
kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-26369526437846289052013-04-18T14:52:00.001+08:002013-04-18T14:52:36.423+08:00Grief Is Like An Emotional Rollercoaster Or The Ocean...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">They say that grieving parents go through a roller coaster ride as they have to endure the changes in emotion during the grieving process. Losing a child is one of the most painful things that can happen to anyone. It is painful for parents to see their children outlive them first especially knowing that they are older and that they would do anything to see their children alive and well. There are days that are good, days that are bad and on the other hand, there are days when things are worse. Some people call these moments <b>"grief attacks". </b>A grief attack can happen any time. From days of not crying and learning to find acceptance, a grieving parent can go back to square one and have a relapse. This is a grief attack and right now, I think I am having one. The last time I cried was last week before her 40 days took place. I thought that would be the last time I would cry for her but then again, I was wrong. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Yesterday was a happy day. It was my husband's 30th birthday. Although we initially planned to just stay home and just cook something to remember his birthday, my in-laws decided we should go out. We went on an unexpected outing to a natural waterfall 3-4 hours away from where we lived. I admit that it was nice and I had fun but this morning, it was like I didn't have fun at all. I woke up empty and longing for my little Lilly. Today, there are many things that reminded me of her. The first one was my pregnant cat gave birth to her healthy kittens. That reminded me of me giving birth to Lilly and the time when I was pregnant because my husband and I like cats, we used to joke around that our child would also like cats and play with our pets. Now, seeing her babies, I am sad and reminded of my own. The second one was when my mother said that she will be crocheting and knitting once again. Before Lilly was born, my mother said she was excited to make booties, dresses and other cute things for her. Now, my mom will just be doing it as her hobby. The last one that really made me broke down into tears was when our new maid suddenly asked me out of curiosity where my child is. I responded that she is gone. There was an awkward silence between us in the kitchen after that and as I fed my younger sister, I couldn't help my tears from falling. It sunk again inside me. Lilly was gone and I wish she was here...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">I don't know what I am feeling right now. I am sad and hurting but at the same time, I know I shouldn't be crying and that I should be strong. I am angry at myself and at other people but I am trying to understand them. My heart aches. I guess a grieving parent will never get over this pain. People say I shouldn't be so hard on myself and that, I should be selfish now. Sadly, I think I can't. I feel guilty doing whatever I want and can in order to recover. Sometimes things just gets complicated. I wish I didn't experience these highs and lows as I am complicated by myself alone, without all this misery. I love my baby so much. I wish I knew how to feel better but nothing can give me something that last forever. Most of the cures out there are temporary while my heartache is permanent. I wish people would give me time to grieve without inserting their expectations and opinions along the way. After all, they didn't lose a child, I did.</span><br />
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-57105570780969332632013-04-15T17:01:00.001+08:002013-04-15T17:02:23.578+08:00Farewell Lilly: My Tribute To My Daughter After 40 Days Of Her Death<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b><i><span style="color: #ea9999;">Last Saturday was our daughter, Lilly's 40 days but actually if she was not born early then, that day would have been her actual due date, her actual birth date. Although Lilly lived a short life, she has played a very important role in our lives - not just my life and my husband's but as well as those people who are around us. She was instrumental in unifying us and making our relationships more solid. She also made our faith stronger despite all the doubts that we had at first. Now, I can truly believe that our little angel on Earth has become God's little angel in Heaven. To remember her short life, I have decided to finally write about her humble beginnings...</span></i></b></div>
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">On December 4, 2010, my husband, Jeff and I got married. We had a simple wedding which wasn't really perfect and complete for at that time, my father and I had a misunderstanding which led us to be driven apart. He did not attend my wedding and he has not spoken to me ever since. We used to live with my husband's mother and his older brother in Novaliches, Quezon City. We moved out last October 2011 and started a new life together in an apartment in Pasig last November 2011. Life was hard because we had to do things by ourselves. We had to pay for everything on our own. It was an adjustment time for us but we were able to cope somehow. At the start of 2012, I started worrying because I kept on having longer periods of bleeding even when I was not supposed to have menstruation yet. Due to these prolonged periods of bleeding, I had to find a good OB to know what was going on. I feared the worse. My husband and I have been trying to have children but our hopes kept on getting crushed. After seeing my aunt's OB, I was given some kind of medicine to regulate my period. At that time of hardship, my father and I finally made peace with each other.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">April came. My birthday and my husband's birthday came. We both wished for the same thing - to become parents soon. God finally heard our prayers and when July came, my period was delayed. I waited for two weeks after that in order to test if I was really pregnant or not. When I found out I was, I surprised my husband by waking him up in the wee hours of that Saturday morning. Sadly, the timing wasn't that right. I was just a new employee in the company that I was working for while my husband didn't have a job and was trying to find a new one. Little Lilly was an unplanned baby. She was our bundle of joy and our little surprise. I should have known that the first three months of pregnancy were crucial and the three months prior to her being conceived should have been more planned as well. I was naive and by the time we came to the OB for my first check up, I was already 2 months pregnant. Sadly, we should have come sooner and we should have planned for her in order to avoid what was going to happen after that.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">The months that came were both hard and easy. I had an easy pregnancy. No cravings. No morning sickness. No nausea. No vomiting. I did have UTI though which I hoped would leave me alone during my pregnancy but unfortunately, stayed. Meanwhile, I continued to work hard while my husband continued to have no luck in getting a professional job but somehow was still able to get work from home. We had savings but we knew they were not enough. We worried for my pregnancy and also for the day that I would give birth. I was always tired. When I went home, I fell asleep right away. I worked from 5 AM - 2 PM. I woke up at 3 AM everyday. My husband had to do almost all the household chores. It was a trying time for both of us. Little did we know that things would become harder for us in the months to come.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">We found out of Lilly's condition during my 5th month when I had an ultrasound. Because my OB wanted to make sure of it, we continued to have them until my 7th month. Usually, parents who had ultrasounds would come out happy, with tears of joy. But all we had were sad faces and tears of concern and sadness. We feared the worst for our child. By this time, we did not care for the gender of our child. We only cared for the safety of our child and how she would survive and would she live to be with us for long. As if the Lord was really testing us and our family, this was also the time when my mother's mother got sick. She was eventually admitted to a hospital and was in the ICU for two weeks. She died just last January this year. Definitely not a good start for this year. At that time, I left my job and we moved to my parents' home in Antipolo. Somehow I felt like we should have moved earlier than that. I was restless and worried. I know my husband was too. We kept on praying to the Lord for our baby's safety. At this time too, I was given a strict folic diet. Folic overload with both the food that I eat and the medicines that I intake. All of us were hopeful that somehow that would help our baby inside of me.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">During the months that she was inside me, I often talked to her. When I first realized she was kicking, punching and moving inside of me, I was overjoyed. Despite the hardships that came in the last parts of my pregnancy, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in this world. I had a hard time breathing and had a hard time sleeping. It was hard for me to move and I had bleeding on my 7th month which was stopped through medication and bed rest. On my 8th month, I had bleeding once again. My OB gave me the same medicine and was asked to get nothing but bed rest as well. I thought that would work but sadly, it did not. At 2 AM on February 23, I woke up only find out that I was bleeding heavily which was not a good sign if you are pregnant. I woke my mom and my husband so that they could bring me to the hospital, St. Anthony Medical Center in Marikina. We were not prepared for anything. My husband brought a bag filled with my clothes and all the things that I might need if in case asked about my pregnancy. We expected that I would be admitted but that was it. I sent messages to my OB about my condition which she took seriously. She called me and said she would see me afterwards.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">When we got to the hospital, I was asked a couple of questions as I calmly filled out the form in front of me. My husband was worried as he wept while speaking to our then unborn child. Before being admitted, I needed to have a needle inserted in one of my veins for my dextrose. I was never a fan of blood or needles but at that time, I had to endure the pain and be calm about it. After five failed attempts, the nurse finally got the right vein to put it in. Apparently, my veins were too small and were hard to find which is why they took a lot of time putting the needle through it. I was rushed to the emergency room. I was hooked with oxygen and at the same time, something to monitor my vitals as well as our unborn child. The cramps continued despite the medicine which was not a good sign. I continued to pray that hopefully, things will turn out well. Come morning, my OB came. She said I need to stay there for the night which is why my husband had to stay in the ward while waiting for me. The next morning after eating my breakfast, the OB arrived again. I was supposed to be transferred to the ward as my vitals were okay. Sadly, the cramps continued and my baby's heart rate wasn't doing so well. At that time, I was confused and scared. Scared for not myself but for the baby inside of me. The pain and the horror was simply beginning and I was bracing myself for it. I had to. Not just for me but mostly for her, my little Lilly.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">My husband was called into the room and it was then that my OB announced that I would be having an emergency C section. My husband went pale with the news but knew he had to inform my mom about it. My OB did not want the operation to happen but it needed to be done to save not just the baby but me as well. I couldn't help but worry as tears fell down my face but I steeled myself as I knew I needed to be strong for her and for me. My husband said he was inside the chapel the whole time they were preparing for my operation. He worried for me and Lilly as I was while I was being rushed to the operating room. I was transferred into the operating table. I was shaved and was asked to be in a fetal position while the anesthesiologist used an injection to put anesthesia through my spine. I felt a sharp stab of pain as the anesthesia took away my feelings. I felt numb from my legs until the numbness crawled all over my body. I was paralyzed. My rosary which was around my neck the whole time was removed and was wrapped around my hands. The doctors were ready. I knew I had to start praying then.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">I knew they were trying to sedate me. I couldn't feel a thing but they wanted me to stay calm. At 11:51 AM, I heard a cry inside the room. It was the cry of my little girl. She was then placed near me by the pediatrician. She was so tiny but beautiful. We all thought the worst for her especially after the ultrasound. We knew of her condition which was Arnold Chiari Malformation II: Hydrocaephalus and Spina Bifida. She had fluid in her head and had a growth in her back. We were all surprised to see her outside of my womb. She did not have a big head and the growth on her back wasn't that big. It was a miracle. Once she was out, I was relieved and happy. Tears started to fall down my cheeks. I was overjoyed. I made something in this world. It was the best feeling ever. But my battle wasn't done yet. I found out I was a bleeder because of what my OB said. I have lost so much blood during the operation and they had to hurry to stitch me up. At first, my OB thought I would lose my uterus because she said it was into so much stress. My baby did that to it only because it wanted to go out too soon and also probably because it was getting too big for it. Good thing, my OB fought for me to keep it.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Once the stitching up was done, I was placed in the recovery room. I did not sleep the whole time I was in the operating room and in the recovery room despite the sedatives. After two hours, I was moved to the ward where I saw my husband and my mother waiting for me. I was still numb when a binder was placed in my belly in order to support my stitch. I was asked to sleep then and I did but only after they saw our little baby. I did care much for the pain I felt. I was elated to find out that Lilly was born. We named her Lilliana Rozen Camille. Lilly was her nickname. She was born premature, 8 months. Her weight was 2.1 kgs. She looked exactly like her Daddy. I could not ask for more. But then again, we all know the sad truth. Lilly had a condition which had to be dealt with. We met her neurosurgeon and spoke of the options. The fluid in her head needed to be drained out of her using a shunt. While the growth in her back needs to be removed and to have corrective surgery. The downside though is that Lilly will not grow up normal. She will have special needs. We accepted that. The question was will she make it. The pediatrician said they need to keep her vitals stable first in order to know the right time for our child to have it. We accepted that and were happy with it.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Lilly got a CT scan in order to know about her condition. My mom used to work in the radiology department of a hospital in Oman. She knew the results right away. My mom did not tell me the gravity of that condition which I only found out afterwards. We were told that Lilly was compatible with life and that she would live. We held on to that promise and we were filled with hope that the surgery would be a success. Many people visited me while I was in the hospital. Many people prayed for my speedy recovery and of course for Lilly's healing. I was blessed and was happy to have them there. I am sure Lilly was too. I stayed in the hospital for 5 days and during my 4th day, I visited Lilly and decided to collect some milk from my breasts which was going to be fed to my baby inside the incubator through a tube which will deliver the milk to her mouth. I spoke to Lilly then and even touched her. The nurse gave me tips on breastfeeding and in pumping milk. The other nurse told me how to take care of Lilly especially when it comes to handling her. Tips which I later found out I could not use. The next day before leaving the hospital, I went to her again and promised her that I would visit her again next time. Unfortunately, my condition wasn't so good. It was hard to move by myself. My stitch was healing but it wasn't going to heal fast enough. I was dependent to my husband the whole time and even need to wear adult diapers to make things easier for me.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Despite all that, I pumped milk which I placed in different feeding bottles for her. I had them frozen and delivered to the hospital. I was overjoyed to find out that she was drinking my milk and as the days passed, her vitals were getting better and she was drinking more of my milk. My mother and my husband continued to visit her at the hospital. My husband cannot touch her since he was not allowed to go inside the nursery. Apparently, only mothers were allowed which bothered him. While I was recovering at home and doing my best to get better to visit her once again, we all prayed for her recovery. The date of her surgery was set. March 11 was that date. We were hopeful despite the news that her transfer to the other hospital kept on being postponed because of the fact that there was no ambulance with an incubator that was available. On March 4, we woke up because Lilly's pedia called. She said that she suffered from two episodes of apnea that morning which was common for premature babies. She had a hard time breathing which was why she needed the help of an oxygen tank for it.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">I was alarmed despite the fact that the pedia said it was normal. That day, my husband said I should go visit her since I insisted on going despite not being strong enough yet to go to her. My mother went with me that day because my husband had to stay home since there were people there who needed to fix some things in our home. When I got there, I saw her with the oxygen mask and immediately started crying. I talked to her and prayed for her. When I called her name, she opened her eyes for me. First, one and then two. She was looking at me. Searching for the sound of my voice as I continued to talk to her. I told her she should be strong and that she should do her best to get better soon. I promised her that her father and I would visit her always when she gets better. I told her that we would be together soon. I told her when she gets better, we would take her home soon. I told her how much we miss her and how much we love her. I told her that we pray for her each day and that everyone is waiting for her to go home. She looked at me and kept on nodding as if she knew what I was telling her. She looked at me with her beautiful eyes as if telling me that she wanted to come home with me. That look broke my heart as I broke into tears once again.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">On my way home, I felt happy because she moved like she was healthy and she looked happy or at least that is what I thought. That night at 10 PM, her pedia called saying that she was in distress. We immediately broke into tears then. We asked everyone to pray for her. We prayed for her. My mother rushed into the hospital then, leaving us behind. Unfortunately when she got there, our baby was gone. Although I have read the reason of her death, I do not want to explain it anymore. All I know is that she died too soon. Our dreams were shattered when at 11 PM, my mother told us the heart breaking truth. We lost her. She was only 9 days old yet she already made our lives complete. That was March 4. We reached the hospital early the next day. It was already 1 AM then. When we got there, she was cold. Her body was lying there in front of us. She looked peaceful and no longer in pain but we were broken. My mother did a lot of us at this time. After settling the bills at the hospital, that morning, she found a place where her wake could be done.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">At first we decided there would be no wake but in the end, we realized that a day to mourn and share her with other people who loved her wouldn't be so bad. Many of my family members visited us so did my husband's family members. Even our friends were there to mourn with us. When I first looked at Lilly inside her wee coffin, I couldn't accept it. I told my OB about Lilly's death and she too was sad for us. She told me that I should be strong and that I should try not to cry too much otherwise, my stitch might bleed and that would be a big problem. The next day came and I knew she would be buried then. Our little angel's body will finally be in its final resting place. My husband and I cried during her last funeral services and when she was buried inside her grave, we did not know what comfort was. The couple of days after her passing were hard to bear. We did not know how we could live another day. We were lost. We found ourselves crying and we were hard to speak to then. But as they always say, life should go on. We just don't know how to.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Even if the 40th day of her passing is over, Lilly will forever be in our hearts. I know now of the mistakes that I made in the past. I am hopeful that when God gives us another child in the future, he/she will not be taken away from us right away. I hope that I would be ready and so will my husband when that happens. Lilly was a baby filled with good and bad surprises. Although she is with the Lord now, I know, we know that she will forever be watching us and listening to us. She knows how much we miss her and love her. She knows of the gap that she has left inside our hearts and most of all, she knows of the tears that we shed for her. She might be a thousand miles away from home but in our hearts, she will stay. Our love for her knows no distance nor bounds. Goodbye Lilliana Rozen Camille P. Teofilo. Goodbye is not forever. I know someday we will see each other again. We will always think of you and talk to you no matter what. Although we will continue to grieve for you, we will do our best not to cry too much anymore. Acceptance is the key I know. Although it is hard, we will try. We have to move on and try harder to have a better life so that in the future, your sibling will stay longer than you did. We will miss you, our beloved angel...</span><br />
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<b><i><span style="color: #ffe599;">The very first photo of her that I took during my first visit to the NICU when I started to pump milk for her. That was her third or fourth day of being there. I was in tears when I saw her. I touched her. I held her. For a moment, the world stopped spinning. It was like we were trapped in our little bubble. My husband kept watch of us outside. We were so happy she was ours.</span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: #ffe599;">This photo was taken in the afternoon of March 4. I did not know that was the last time I would see her alive and breathing. I should have held her again on that day but I didn't because I knew she was fragile and she needed to recover. My husband had regrets of not visiting her on that day too. We both had regrets and we were both feeling guilty but we knew we did what we did for her. Our little angel is now with the Lord. We will love her and miss her forever...</span></i></b></div>
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5609991046474852815.post-26095912574683505472013-04-10T23:03:00.002+08:002013-04-10T23:03:45.991+08:00Children Are Blessings Not Inconveniences <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Children are never mistakes made by their parents. Although some adults think they are, I don't. I don't remember ever thinking that way. All I know is that having children without being married to your partner is a sin. At least, that was my way of upbringing which is why I perceive it as such. These days many unmarried couples have children. They have them out of wedlock and yet they do not care about what other people will say. Whether people would think what they are doing or what they have done is immoral, they don't mind because most of these couples think that their children are blessings. Babies are blessings to unions but sadly, not all couples who have children think they are. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">Since some are unplanned, some are not ready for it. Some tend to seek ways to avoid their babies from being born. Whether they get an abortion, drink something for the baby to die or perhaps give the baby away to be adopted by someone else - it does not matter. For to them, they do not want children. They don't care what happens to them. Unfortunately, many couples who are married, want children and are eligible to have them cannot. Such instances make me question how unfair life can be. How can I not be bitter when I too asked for a child and then after being given to us, she was taken from us after 9 days of being alive on this planet? It is hard to think positively if I tend to compare myself with other people who are not worthy of their children because they do not care for them and do not even want them. This is why I am trying not to. Instead, I am just going to pray for them and hope for the best for their children. To this day, my husband and I continue to pray that one day God would grant us our only wish, to have a healthy child without complications. A child who will grow with us. A child that we can nurture and teach. A child that we will always be proud of no matter what. A child that we will support and love forever. We had Lilly once but God took her away to be one of his angels. Now, we want another one but this time we hope that he/she will stay.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">I know a lot of people who have had children when they were too young. They were not ready to raise their children and obviously, they had them out of wedlock. Although most of these people that I knew did not kill their children, they knew how hard it would be to become parents. They just never really thought about it while in the act of creating them. As they always say, the creation of life is the fun part but if you are not ready when life is created then you are in deep trouble. I don't know how to take care of a newborn child. I </span><br />
<span style="color: #f4cccc;">would know only based on what I read and what I learned. I would also know based on what those who know told me. I have never experienced raising a newborn baby on my own. I know it would be quite a responsibility. Am I ready for it? Thinking about that now makes me sad. I was ready but perhaps God thought I wasn't yet. We weren't yet. Such thoughts are painful to digest. Maybe now was not the right time for us to have a baby. Does that mean that we do not deserve to have Lilly in our lives? That thought continues to haunt me and hurt me at the same time. If young women can take care of their children, why can't I? I am already 28 years old for crying out loud! </span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">In the past, I liked babies and children but not as much as when I got pregnant. I always liked the thought of me teaching my own children things that only I can teach. I like the thought of spoiling them and yet disciplining them at the same time. I like the thought of hearing their laughter and despite the pain that I would feel when I hear or see them cry, I still like the thought of it. They are my children after all. Seeing children everywhere made me happy while I was pregnant. I continued to rub my belly as I talked to Lilly as I told her about the things that we would do together. Sadly, we can do them no more. She has gone away. My child has left me. She has left us. I worried about the little things when I was pregnant. I worried about her a lot but I had strong faith in God and continued to pray for her each day and night. I would often be in tears while I prayed buy after awhile I would be smiling again as I talked to her while rubbing my belly. That gesture soothed me. It soothed her as well. Whenever she would be really naughty inside of me, I would calm her by talking to her and rubbing my belly. Now, doing that would make me look like a fool. I still rub my belly though as I continue wishing she was still inside me. Yes, I might need counseling as my heart continues to yearn for her even though my mind tells me to get over it.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">When I was younger, I was scared of getting pregnant without getting married. I was scared because I was told that it would look bad and that my older relatives would hate me if that happened. I know this because I know a lot of my cousins and step siblings - younger and older than me experienced them. Things are never quite the same but they are still with the family because we are family. But society in my country thinks differently. It dictates the right and wrong of things here. I don't know if I should be happy or sad because of that. Somehow sometimes I am both. Mostly though I am upset because of it. Now I think that unmarried or married, people should have children. It is their choice. It is their lives to begin with. Who are we, the society, to decide what is wrong or right for them? Isn't getting married just because you have children not a good reason to enter a relationship that will bind you forever? I am married. I think that if people want to get married, they should get married because they love each other and not because they have to. Children should not dictate the union of their parents. I know this is a modern thought and that religiously, the foundations of family includes a father and a mother along with their children thus, if one is religious or is in a family that is, then he/she should follow it. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">My husband and I were together for nearly 5 years before we got married. We will be 2 years together this coming December and we waited to be married before having a child but we lost her. Somewhere along the way, we thought: Should we have had Lilly sooner instead of later? Could that have affected the outcome of her life now? Nobody knows for sure but we decided not to think about that anymore. The past is over and we are in the present. The present that we cannot seem to get out of. I love my parents a lot and it is because of them why I have values. These values might be old fashioned but I wish to instill them to my children. To Lilly. But I can't do that now. Which is why I have to wait if God will give me another baby to teach. I respect my parents even if we have misunderstandings at times. We have had arguments and fights. We all cried due to heartbreak and I am sad because I feel like I just keep on breaking their hearts. I do not have the right to do that. Not to them. I am always telling them how sorry I am. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #f4cccc;">My parents like other parents love me dearly and unconditionally. Even when they give me an ultimatum, they can only stick with it for some time, sooner or later, they give in. They have sacrificed so much for me. That is why I know what good parenting is like. Too bad I don't think I did that to Lilly. I still feel guilty and mad to this day. My husband and I know better now. Which is why we are hoping to be better parents someday. For now, I am glad to have had Lilly in our lives. A simple blessing although taken right away, she was our little angel, our little treasure. Forever we will miss her and love her dearly. Children are blessings. I hope everyone would agree. I hope that one day more parents would appreciate their children. For me, the day Lilly was born, I was reborn because then I found out my purpose in life and that was to create her. All parents should think that way. All parents should love their children. They should never take them for granted. I know I wouldn't if she was alive...</span><br />
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<b><i><span style="color: #ffe599;">We miss you, our little angel, Lilly. You will forever be our little blessing even when you are no longer with us.</span></i></b></div>
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kittypawshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873345571826265928noreply@blogger.com0