Are You Okay? Are You Fine? Are You Good?

“I’m okay.” , “I’m fine.” , “I’m  good.” – I have heard these responses a million times before. But do  they really mean it when they say them? I am guilty of saying these and never really meaning them. Why? Because I feel like what happens to me is of no concern to others. It  is my personal life. It is something that I have an option to share or to hide. Also, I feel like my pain isn’t exactly relevant for anyone to care. I do not want to burden others by telling them how I truly feel especially when I am not certain how they will react when they hear about it. Some will say that this kind of reasoning will probably disadvantageous to me in the long run. Being honest about my feelings is more important than keeping the truth to the world. If others overshare, I do not. Maybe I did for a time then, reality hit me in the face and told me to grow up so, I did. 

This kind of false sense of happiness is something that a lot of people feel nowadays. We live in a time when we value what other people say too much especially on social media that we end up making up lies just to show that we are okay when we are not. Pretending has become the norm and although honesty is still valued, there are times when it is easier to accept a lie than the truth. Having this kind of false sense of happiness leaves people hollow on the inside. It is like all they can do is smile and laugh on the outside but deep inside they are dying, weeping or angry. Can anyone ever bear their true feelings out in the open these days? It is like going outside bare faced with no makeup whatsoever. Although I can do this, baring my true emotions out in the open is something I find challenging to do. Perhaps lying to others has become so convenient that in the end, I am even fooling myself. 

Most  people are quick to judge. Although we know that this is not a good practice, we still end up doing it. I do this and so do you. Some are just more brutal than others when it comes to dropping shade on them or saying something bad behind their backs. Hypocrisy sucks. I have known it for a long time and although I hate  it, I cannot change it. Hypocrisy has become a part of our society. We are wear masks because this is what society made us do. We conform not because we want to but because we have to. We do what others do not because we want to follow them but because it is what everybody does. To go  against this tide is  possible although not easy. I always say I am different. I want to be different. However, there are times when I ask myself, “What difference have I done in this world anyway?”.

It is true that I am a dreamer. I like to create. But that doesn’t make me free from the burdens of adult life. I make art to relieve my stress and my anxiety however, some  days are just more miserable than others. So  miserable that even art can save me from such days. The harsh reality of life is something that you can never escape  from no matter how hard you try. You can hide from it temporarily but you won’t be able to get away from it permanently. I hate the feeling of anxiety silently eating you alive, clawing deep inside you like a dark entity wanting to escape leaving you to be nothing but a broken person. I have heard of anxiety attacks. Although I don’t really know if I have had one. Maybe I have had one or two or even a few and I just don’t know about it or I am just  in denial. 

Some days are hard and when they become too overwhelming for me, I end up crying. I cry not because I am weak. I cry because I do not  know  what  to do next. I pray to be strong during these times. I pray for guidance. I pray for a calm heart and an empty mind. Although these work, I cannot always shake off this feeling inside of me. We are our greatest critics and that’s a fact.  Through the years, I believe that I have learned to battle my inner demons each day. I am not perfect. I never was and never will be. But that won’t stop me from at least trying to live each day. Some days I feel like I am just surviving but not really living at all. It is during these times when I feel so lonely, so irrelevant, so  disheartened. 

You’ll never know what will come across next. The path might seem so blurry, so unclear. Yet, we must keep on pushing forward. Life might not be working out for me right now but nothing lasts forever. My smile might be fake and my laugh forced during some days but I know that there will be days when they would all be sincere. I long for such days. I long for happier moments in my life. Hopefully, such days will come for me soon. Misery is something I fall into easily but I hope that eventually, I can go long without it. My life might not be what it should be or what  it seems to be but it is ever changing and so should I. Maybe I should start saying ”I’ll be okay.”, “I’ll be fine.” , “I’ll be  good.” the next time someone asks me how I am instead of my regular answers. This way there is still optimism in me somehow as I think that tomorrow will be better than today.

 We do not  know the struggles that  other people face each day. They may smile or laugh in front of you but are they really sincere in showing these emotions to you? Be more sensitive. Be more considerate.After all, we can't always be happy. Don't assume that the person you are talking to is. Remember that.

It's Just A Bad Day, Not A Bad Life - My Unlucky Thursday Or So It Seemed

Always remember that!

When your feelings get the worst of you...

Today has been an unlucky day so far. Ever since I left home to go to work, things haven't exactly been awesome. I rode on a bus to the nearest train station. The conductor nearly ripped me off with my bus fare. He probably thought I did not know the bus fare to where I was headed. I know that bus companies has fluctuating fare rates but this one was just too much. I paid him 40 pesos and expected at least 10-12 pesos as my change but he only gave me 2 pesos after giving me the tickets. This baffled me and somehow angered me. When he went back to ask for the fare of the newly seated passengers, I confronted him and told him about my usual bus fare. He argued with me and I thought he would keep on insisting that the bus fare to where I was headed was 38 pesos. Luckily, he did not. Seriously, why would some people do that? The bus ride was partially comfortable. Although I had to keep on moving seats because I initially had no choice but to sit in the back. I had to move 3 times just to be able to sit where I should be sitting. I got to the train station at 5:20 P.M. It was the start of rush hour. I already knew what I was going to get myself into. Or at least, that's what I thought.

When the train arrived, it wasn't so congested inside but once we got to the next 2 stations, the train just got so full that it was hard to breathe. This was a bad situation as I will need to excuse myself when my stop arrives and I am not sure if the people in the train will move for me. Sometimes they don't and that is my biggest daily challenge. Today, they did not. The people outside kept on shoving to board the train while some of us were struggling to get out of it. In the end, I had no choice but to push and shove to get out as well. I ended up hurting my elbow in the process. I just remembered hitting is somewhere hard but since it was so hard to see what I hit, I cannot say what caused the scratch. I kept walking until I reached the mall. When my elbow started stinging inside, I had to examine the damage. It was bleeding and I knew I had to clean the wound somehow. Since I always bring some tissue and isopropyl alcohol with me, I disinfected it. It hurt but I had no choice. Once I was done, I had to start walking again. My office was still a 15-20 minute walk from the mall after all.

I don't mind the whole walking to work bit. What I hate about it is that when I go to work, it is also the same time when most people go home. So the small sidewalk which is supposed to be a two way sidewalk ends up being a one way one. People just keep on walking and not caring about that fact. My wounded elbow got hit as I was walking on this said sidewalk. That made me more upset. I rushed to work because I knew that I will be starting my classes after 40 minutes. Although I was not late for work, I was already upset because of the series of unfortunate events. It is now 9:55 P.M. and as much as I want to think that nothing is wrong, there is. I had my first class for a certain student who I carelessly said goodbye to after only having a 20 minute class when we were supposed to have a 30 minute one. I only noticed it once I was already uploading my report and sending my recording. I had no choice but to tell the Korean owner of the incident. I was sure I would get scolded on. Luckily, I wasn't but was reminded to be more careful next time.

Work ended and I am a mess. I ended up treating myself and my husband to some fast food to cheer me up. As I told the story of how my day went to my husband, I realized I should change things for tomorrow to get better results. Meaning I have to leave home before 4 P.M., ride on an FX instead of a bus, get to the nearest MRT station before 5 P.M., arrive in Ortigas at 5:30 P.M. or before 6 P.M. and review my schedule before my classes start. Surely, I will have better days ahead of me after all the said changes.

Will we ever be the way it was?

Sometimes you ask yourself if you chose right especially because you turned your back on everything and everyone else just to be with that person. It would be hard to get back what has been done, what has been lost. Sometimes I feel like I made the right choice but there are also times when I don't. I feel unwanted sometimes. I feel stupid even. I hate it when people say hurtful words to me but it gets more painful when you say them to me. I never did like shouting at people as I know I never want to be shouted on. You know this and yet you keep on doing it to me. I know I have a short temper and I know you do too but is it too much to ask for a little more understanding when I lose mine instead of you losing yours too? I hate it when you tell me I'm stupid. I hate it when you make me feel like I'm useless. Why do you have so much power over me? Why do I even let you have power over me? Is this love or madness? Maybe I am really stupid because I hate the things that you say and do to me and yet here I am still hanging on to you like a life line when in reality, you could just be the death of me.

Every heart ache, every pain. Call me melodramatic. You always do anyway. I hate that you can't be more understanding. I hate that you have changed so much. We've been together for so long. I am not your enemy, I am on your side. But if you continue to antagonize me and treat me poorly, I might just stop being on your side. I'm just keeping it because I am trying to understand but have you ever tried to stop yourself from being so mean to me? Lately, you've been so angry. I understand you are angry at other people, other circumstances. Sadly, I feel like you put all that anger and frustration on me. I feel heavier and more stressed out every time even when I feel like unwinding. Maybe the only time I will ever get the peace I crave is when I am alone which never happens to me. Am I really supposed to hurt this way? Am I nothing more than this? I did not write this for anyone to pity me. I merely wanted to share. My life is not what it seems. My life should have been better than this. But this is my life and the choices I've made so whether they are right or wrong, I guess I just have to endure it. Hopefully, one day, before I actually end up snapping and losing every last ounce of goodness in me, you will treat me better, you will treat me the way you should treat me. I feel like you are no longer scared that I will leave you. I feel like you will never cry over me anymore. I feel like you have lost every romantic bone in your body. I feel like the passion that you used to have has gone. Is this because of too much assurance or did I just give you too much of myself? I feel like I have you too much that I have very little left for me.

Is this all life has in store for me? I never really asked for too much. I rarely ask for anything at all. I have learned to become easily contented. I have learned to demand less. I am never high maintainenance. Maybe I should have been. I envy those women who have their partners at their beck and call. Sometimes I think I have mine only because he has no choice in the matter but if he had he wouldn't be with me at all. I wish it wasn't this painful. I wish life was easy. My life is no longer what it seems and I am no longer what I should be. My life is withering away and I feel powerless to save it. Maybe this is what is supposed to happen to me. Maybe even sorry is too much to ask for anyway. Most times I feel like I am alone. I feel hopeless. I just don't know anymore. Am I asking for too much? Do I really deserve this? I don't know. I just feel so lost sometimes. 

 

If assumptions could kill...

Assumptions here, there, everywhere. I never did like assuming things about others and it is sad that others like doing so about me. I can't believe that after all this time I still feel like I am living my life like it is high school all over again. I hate the fact that I am being judged based solely on what I wear, what I say or what I look like. It is not like I am still that young anyway. 30 isn't exactly 18. Sometimes I feel like I am still treated like a teenager when I am supposed to be treated like an adult. Hearing made up stories about you from the people that you trusted is not exactly a good thing. Just when you thought that they could be trusted, they end up stabbing you in the back. My life is crazy but I can handle it. Sometimes I just feel like there's this overwhelming weight pressing against me. I feel suffocated. I feel like all the air escaping my lungs and all the blood in my body rushing to my head. I feel like exploding sometimes and that is not exactly a good thing.

When is enough enough? When you know that the people who are supposed to be close to you are actually hurting you, confrontation gets difficult for some people especially those who are not used to confrontations. I am like that. I would rather pretend it isn't happening or just brush things off as I do not want to escalate things to a whole new level. I am a less hassle kind of person. Unfortunately, I am surrounded by people who enjoy hassling me around. In the end, I get different kinds of stress from different kinds of people and the situations they have created. I am a worrywart, I think and worry too much. This is why I always have a plan A, B and C. I hate not being prepared for anything. But this readiness is not exactly appropriate when it comes to these people and these situations. Most of the time I end up just stressing myself more. I can be a control freak. I like things to go as planned and when it doesn't, I have the sudden urge to get angry but somehow I have learned through the years that despite the fact that I should get frustrated during those times, I should also take deep breaths and try to calm myself. Somehow I am happy to say that I have succeeded in doing that most times.

Opening up to others has never been my forte and somehow I feel like I am still having a hard time doing so. I blame my low self esteem for that. However, if needed be, I can be open, I can talk about things that needs to be discussed, I can be professional or personal, whichever you want me to be. Honesty is one thing that I like with people while I loathe assumptions and backstabbing. Sadly, hypocrites are everywhere. There could be one next to you now. Even people who are supposed to be your family can become hypocrites and it hurts me to find out that this is true. Sometimes when I hear made up stories from other people about what a close family member said about me, I frown and feel betrayed. I often think about why these people would treat me this way. I reflect on the things I have done to them and whenever I do, I relive the mistakes I have made to them and how I have done my best to atone for them. Sadly, I guess they think they aren't enough. These kinds of people and situations make me lose face even further.

Sometimes I wonder what my life is worth. I wonder if anybody will miss me when I am gone. I think about the things that I have done for others and the things that I should have done for them. Of course, I think about myself as I am human too. But I always think about my life and if the way other people treat me is right. Do I deserve to be treated poorly or unfairly? Sometimes I don't know anymore. Assumptions and lies are painful and it hurts me deep inside. I rarely shed tears but when I do, you'll know they are for real. My life might not be perfect and I'm certainly not too but that doesn't mean that your assumptions, your lies and the pain you are causing me are welcome. I may look strong but I can be weak too. If assumptions could kill then I will probably be dead by now. The many assumptions people have speculated on and have uttered against me are just too much to bear. I guess I am just strong enough to take all of them for now but until when? I don't know now.

The Struggle Is Real

The times have changed and so have I,
The paths I take, I hope are right,
My life right now isn't exactly perfect,
Some would say it is a mess,
But no matter what other people will say,
I will still think that tomorrow will be a better day.

My life isn't perfect and so am I,
The decisions I've made, I hope are right,
The things I do now are not the things that I used to do,
How I am going to face things now, I still don't have a clue,
I am older and hopefully wiser,
But somehow there are times when I feel that is not true.

Somedays I can't help but feel blue,
I know that stress is killing me,
Yet I feel like I should still keep pushing through,
Sometimes I feel irrelevant or perhaps that's how others make me feel,
Sometimes I feel wanted which I hope I will always feel.
Unfortunately, this isn't always clear.

I hate it when I'm set aside,
I hate it when I have no choice but to hide.
Why do people not see me the way I want them to?
Why do people continue to keep on hurting me so?
I feel tormented and so lost,
I feel like my life can be such a pain.

I like living as there is so much to look forward to,
If only others will see it too.
But I hate living a life that is a lie,
I hate living a life that isn't mine.
Only time can tell if things will change for the better,
I can only stay optimistic for so long after all...

One Of Those Days When You Feel Like Ehh...

Has it really been months since I last visited this place? Yeah, well, my last post proves it. I haven't been here a lot lately because my life has been both hectic, productive yet only in experience but never in money, and most of all, stressful. September is near and then, I realize that this year will soon be coming to a close. I became 30 this year and what have I to show for? NOTHING! I find myself feeling down today as I came upon this realization. I feel like even if I have done so many things in the past few months, here I am, empty handed. Did I waste away all those months laboring away for nothing? I feel hollow now, empty and believing that it was all for naught.

Today, I felt fed up. I felt like I wanted more and I deserved more but I guess life has another way of showing me I don't want it that much now and that I deserve better in the future. But when will I ever get what I want or what I deserve? Will life ever treat me fairly? I am done thinking that life is fair and that I can survive with perseverance and positvity. Maybe reality is a lot harsher than everybody thinks and that I should not ignore it because I get to face it every day. It has been months since we stopped working in the food business. Shattered dreams for sure. Working in a restaurant is difficult. It has given us new experiences however, the commercial kitchen is also a place filled with heartbreak. Never mind the pain of the heat that welcomes you every day, the rigorous prep time, the stressful lunch and dinner service, the hot oil that scalds you or the cuts from the knives, the fish fins or anything else that can make you bleed. Slaving away at a place where you never got to earn anything was just brutal. We hoped for something better and now, we are hoping still.

It has been two months since we started operating our new found business, our photobooth business. Although it was fun to study everything and have creative freedom over what we should and shouldn't do, we are now faced with the dilemma that many business owners have - How to get more customers. I am not 100% very good with PR but I am trying my very best. I have decided to stop being timid in order to promote better and yet, despite the fact that I have already sent text messages, online messages and posted on different groups, here we are, left with none. Although we do have one client as of the moment, we have come to realize that one client is not enough. It is frustrating to be this way. But I have not given up just yet. We intend to do more marketing - actual marketing in the real world next time - not like the online marketing which I have been doing for a while.

Expectations - I have come to realize that there should be none for it will always be the root of all heartache. Right now, apart from our own business, we have decided to help out in one of my mother's businesses. We are trying to be thorough with this one and because of this, we are hoping that everything will run smoothly. I have never had experience in sales. Yet, here I am braving this sort of business. The marketing and promotional events are taxing but someone needs to plan in order for them to work. The inventory and the paperwork is tiring as well but it has to be done. Now, comes the hard part, the encoding and the money involved. I never really liked Mathematics but this is worth trying. So, although the year has not been what I expected it to be, I am hopeful. Even if I am feeling like I want to be detached from my life forever and start a new one - I am hopeful. For being hopeful is the only way to go for me...