Are You Okay? Are You Fine? Are You Good?

“I’m okay.” , “I’m fine.” , “I’m  good.” – I have heard these responses a million times before. But do  they really mean it when they say them? I am guilty of saying these and never really meaning them. Why? Because I feel like what happens to me is of no concern to others. It  is my personal life. It is something that I have an option to share or to hide. Also, I feel like my pain isn’t exactly relevant for anyone to care. I do not want to burden others by telling them how I truly feel especially when I am not certain how they will react when they hear about it. Some will say that this kind of reasoning will probably disadvantageous to me in the long run. Being honest about my feelings is more important than keeping the truth to the world. If others overshare, I do not. Maybe I did for a time then, reality hit me in the face and told me to grow up so, I did. 

This kind of false sense of happiness is something that a lot of people feel nowadays. We live in a time when we value what other people say too much especially on social media that we end up making up lies just to show that we are okay when we are not. Pretending has become the norm and although honesty is still valued, there are times when it is easier to accept a lie than the truth. Having this kind of false sense of happiness leaves people hollow on the inside. It is like all they can do is smile and laugh on the outside but deep inside they are dying, weeping or angry. Can anyone ever bear their true feelings out in the open these days? It is like going outside bare faced with no makeup whatsoever. Although I can do this, baring my true emotions out in the open is something I find challenging to do. Perhaps lying to others has become so convenient that in the end, I am even fooling myself. 

Most  people are quick to judge. Although we know that this is not a good practice, we still end up doing it. I do this and so do you. Some are just more brutal than others when it comes to dropping shade on them or saying something bad behind their backs. Hypocrisy sucks. I have known it for a long time and although I hate  it, I cannot change it. Hypocrisy has become a part of our society. We are wear masks because this is what society made us do. We conform not because we want to but because we have to. We do what others do not because we want to follow them but because it is what everybody does. To go  against this tide is  possible although not easy. I always say I am different. I want to be different. However, there are times when I ask myself, “What difference have I done in this world anyway?”.

It is true that I am a dreamer. I like to create. But that doesn’t make me free from the burdens of adult life. I make art to relieve my stress and my anxiety however, some  days are just more miserable than others. So  miserable that even art can save me from such days. The harsh reality of life is something that you can never escape  from no matter how hard you try. You can hide from it temporarily but you won’t be able to get away from it permanently. I hate the feeling of anxiety silently eating you alive, clawing deep inside you like a dark entity wanting to escape leaving you to be nothing but a broken person. I have heard of anxiety attacks. Although I don’t really know if I have had one. Maybe I have had one or two or even a few and I just don’t know about it or I am just  in denial. 

Some days are hard and when they become too overwhelming for me, I end up crying. I cry not because I am weak. I cry because I do not  know  what  to do next. I pray to be strong during these times. I pray for guidance. I pray for a calm heart and an empty mind. Although these work, I cannot always shake off this feeling inside of me. We are our greatest critics and that’s a fact.  Through the years, I believe that I have learned to battle my inner demons each day. I am not perfect. I never was and never will be. But that won’t stop me from at least trying to live each day. Some days I feel like I am just surviving but not really living at all. It is during these times when I feel so lonely, so irrelevant, so  disheartened. 

You’ll never know what will come across next. The path might seem so blurry, so unclear. Yet, we must keep on pushing forward. Life might not be working out for me right now but nothing lasts forever. My smile might be fake and my laugh forced during some days but I know that there will be days when they would all be sincere. I long for such days. I long for happier moments in my life. Hopefully, such days will come for me soon. Misery is something I fall into easily but I hope that eventually, I can go long without it. My life might not be what it should be or what  it seems to be but it is ever changing and so should I. Maybe I should start saying ”I’ll be okay.”, “I’ll be fine.” , “I’ll be  good.” the next time someone asks me how I am instead of my regular answers. This way there is still optimism in me somehow as I think that tomorrow will be better than today.

 We do not  know the struggles that  other people face each day. They may smile or laugh in front of you but are they really sincere in showing these emotions to you? Be more sensitive. Be more considerate.After all, we can't always be happy. Don't assume that the person you are talking to is. Remember that.

It's Just A Bad Day, Not A Bad Life - My Unlucky Thursday Or So It Seemed

Always remember that!

When your feelings get the worst of you...

Today has been an unlucky day so far. Ever since I left home to go to work, things haven't exactly been awesome. I rode on a bus to the nearest train station. The conductor nearly ripped me off with my bus fare. He probably thought I did not know the bus fare to where I was headed. I know that bus companies has fluctuating fare rates but this one was just too much. I paid him 40 pesos and expected at least 10-12 pesos as my change but he only gave me 2 pesos after giving me the tickets. This baffled me and somehow angered me. When he went back to ask for the fare of the newly seated passengers, I confronted him and told him about my usual bus fare. He argued with me and I thought he would keep on insisting that the bus fare to where I was headed was 38 pesos. Luckily, he did not. Seriously, why would some people do that? The bus ride was partially comfortable. Although I had to keep on moving seats because I initially had no choice but to sit in the back. I had to move 3 times just to be able to sit where I should be sitting. I got to the train station at 5:20 P.M. It was the start of rush hour. I already knew what I was going to get myself into. Or at least, that's what I thought.

When the train arrived, it wasn't so congested inside but once we got to the next 2 stations, the train just got so full that it was hard to breathe. This was a bad situation as I will need to excuse myself when my stop arrives and I am not sure if the people in the train will move for me. Sometimes they don't and that is my biggest daily challenge. Today, they did not. The people outside kept on shoving to board the train while some of us were struggling to get out of it. In the end, I had no choice but to push and shove to get out as well. I ended up hurting my elbow in the process. I just remembered hitting is somewhere hard but since it was so hard to see what I hit, I cannot say what caused the scratch. I kept walking until I reached the mall. When my elbow started stinging inside, I had to examine the damage. It was bleeding and I knew I had to clean the wound somehow. Since I always bring some tissue and isopropyl alcohol with me, I disinfected it. It hurt but I had no choice. Once I was done, I had to start walking again. My office was still a 15-20 minute walk from the mall after all.

I don't mind the whole walking to work bit. What I hate about it is that when I go to work, it is also the same time when most people go home. So the small sidewalk which is supposed to be a two way sidewalk ends up being a one way one. People just keep on walking and not caring about that fact. My wounded elbow got hit as I was walking on this said sidewalk. That made me more upset. I rushed to work because I knew that I will be starting my classes after 40 minutes. Although I was not late for work, I was already upset because of the series of unfortunate events. It is now 9:55 P.M. and as much as I want to think that nothing is wrong, there is. I had my first class for a certain student who I carelessly said goodbye to after only having a 20 minute class when we were supposed to have a 30 minute one. I only noticed it once I was already uploading my report and sending my recording. I had no choice but to tell the Korean owner of the incident. I was sure I would get scolded on. Luckily, I wasn't but was reminded to be more careful next time.

Work ended and I am a mess. I ended up treating myself and my husband to some fast food to cheer me up. As I told the story of how my day went to my husband, I realized I should change things for tomorrow to get better results. Meaning I have to leave home before 4 P.M., ride on an FX instead of a bus, get to the nearest MRT station before 5 P.M., arrive in Ortigas at 5:30 P.M. or before 6 P.M. and review my schedule before my classes start. Surely, I will have better days ahead of me after all the said changes.

Will we ever be the way it was?

Sometimes you ask yourself if you chose right especially because you turned your back on everything and everyone else just to be with that person. It would be hard to get back what has been done, what has been lost. Sometimes I feel like I made the right choice but there are also times when I don't. I feel unwanted sometimes. I feel stupid even. I hate it when people say hurtful words to me but it gets more painful when you say them to me. I never did like shouting at people as I know I never want to be shouted on. You know this and yet you keep on doing it to me. I know I have a short temper and I know you do too but is it too much to ask for a little more understanding when I lose mine instead of you losing yours too? I hate it when you tell me I'm stupid. I hate it when you make me feel like I'm useless. Why do you have so much power over me? Why do I even let you have power over me? Is this love or madness? Maybe I am really stupid because I hate the things that you say and do to me and yet here I am still hanging on to you like a life line when in reality, you could just be the death of me.

Every heart ache, every pain. Call me melodramatic. You always do anyway. I hate that you can't be more understanding. I hate that you have changed so much. We've been together for so long. I am not your enemy, I am on your side. But if you continue to antagonize me and treat me poorly, I might just stop being on your side. I'm just keeping it because I am trying to understand but have you ever tried to stop yourself from being so mean to me? Lately, you've been so angry. I understand you are angry at other people, other circumstances. Sadly, I feel like you put all that anger and frustration on me. I feel heavier and more stressed out every time even when I feel like unwinding. Maybe the only time I will ever get the peace I crave is when I am alone which never happens to me. Am I really supposed to hurt this way? Am I nothing more than this? I did not write this for anyone to pity me. I merely wanted to share. My life is not what it seems. My life should have been better than this. But this is my life and the choices I've made so whether they are right or wrong, I guess I just have to endure it. Hopefully, one day, before I actually end up snapping and losing every last ounce of goodness in me, you will treat me better, you will treat me the way you should treat me. I feel like you are no longer scared that I will leave you. I feel like you will never cry over me anymore. I feel like you have lost every romantic bone in your body. I feel like the passion that you used to have has gone. Is this because of too much assurance or did I just give you too much of myself? I feel like I have you too much that I have very little left for me.

Is this all life has in store for me? I never really asked for too much. I rarely ask for anything at all. I have learned to become easily contented. I have learned to demand less. I am never high maintainenance. Maybe I should have been. I envy those women who have their partners at their beck and call. Sometimes I think I have mine only because he has no choice in the matter but if he had he wouldn't be with me at all. I wish it wasn't this painful. I wish life was easy. My life is no longer what it seems and I am no longer what I should be. My life is withering away and I feel powerless to save it. Maybe this is what is supposed to happen to me. Maybe even sorry is too much to ask for anyway. Most times I feel like I am alone. I feel hopeless. I just don't know anymore. Am I asking for too much? Do I really deserve this? I don't know. I just feel so lost sometimes. 

 

If assumptions could kill...

Assumptions here, there, everywhere. I never did like assuming things about others and it is sad that others like doing so about me. I can't believe that after all this time I still feel like I am living my life like it is high school all over again. I hate the fact that I am being judged based solely on what I wear, what I say or what I look like. It is not like I am still that young anyway. 30 isn't exactly 18. Sometimes I feel like I am still treated like a teenager when I am supposed to be treated like an adult. Hearing made up stories about you from the people that you trusted is not exactly a good thing. Just when you thought that they could be trusted, they end up stabbing you in the back. My life is crazy but I can handle it. Sometimes I just feel like there's this overwhelming weight pressing against me. I feel suffocated. I feel like all the air escaping my lungs and all the blood in my body rushing to my head. I feel like exploding sometimes and that is not exactly a good thing.

When is enough enough? When you know that the people who are supposed to be close to you are actually hurting you, confrontation gets difficult for some people especially those who are not used to confrontations. I am like that. I would rather pretend it isn't happening or just brush things off as I do not want to escalate things to a whole new level. I am a less hassle kind of person. Unfortunately, I am surrounded by people who enjoy hassling me around. In the end, I get different kinds of stress from different kinds of people and the situations they have created. I am a worrywart, I think and worry too much. This is why I always have a plan A, B and C. I hate not being prepared for anything. But this readiness is not exactly appropriate when it comes to these people and these situations. Most of the time I end up just stressing myself more. I can be a control freak. I like things to go as planned and when it doesn't, I have the sudden urge to get angry but somehow I have learned through the years that despite the fact that I should get frustrated during those times, I should also take deep breaths and try to calm myself. Somehow I am happy to say that I have succeeded in doing that most times.

Opening up to others has never been my forte and somehow I feel like I am still having a hard time doing so. I blame my low self esteem for that. However, if needed be, I can be open, I can talk about things that needs to be discussed, I can be professional or personal, whichever you want me to be. Honesty is one thing that I like with people while I loathe assumptions and backstabbing. Sadly, hypocrites are everywhere. There could be one next to you now. Even people who are supposed to be your family can become hypocrites and it hurts me to find out that this is true. Sometimes when I hear made up stories from other people about what a close family member said about me, I frown and feel betrayed. I often think about why these people would treat me this way. I reflect on the things I have done to them and whenever I do, I relive the mistakes I have made to them and how I have done my best to atone for them. Sadly, I guess they think they aren't enough. These kinds of people and situations make me lose face even further.

Sometimes I wonder what my life is worth. I wonder if anybody will miss me when I am gone. I think about the things that I have done for others and the things that I should have done for them. Of course, I think about myself as I am human too. But I always think about my life and if the way other people treat me is right. Do I deserve to be treated poorly or unfairly? Sometimes I don't know anymore. Assumptions and lies are painful and it hurts me deep inside. I rarely shed tears but when I do, you'll know they are for real. My life might not be perfect and I'm certainly not too but that doesn't mean that your assumptions, your lies and the pain you are causing me are welcome. I may look strong but I can be weak too. If assumptions could kill then I will probably be dead by now. The many assumptions people have speculated on and have uttered against me are just too much to bear. I guess I am just strong enough to take all of them for now but until when? I don't know now.

The Struggle Is Real

The times have changed and so have I,
The paths I take, I hope are right,
My life right now isn't exactly perfect,
Some would say it is a mess,
But no matter what other people will say,
I will still think that tomorrow will be a better day.

My life isn't perfect and so am I,
The decisions I've made, I hope are right,
The things I do now are not the things that I used to do,
How I am going to face things now, I still don't have a clue,
I am older and hopefully wiser,
But somehow there are times when I feel that is not true.

Somedays I can't help but feel blue,
I know that stress is killing me,
Yet I feel like I should still keep pushing through,
Sometimes I feel irrelevant or perhaps that's how others make me feel,
Sometimes I feel wanted which I hope I will always feel.
Unfortunately, this isn't always clear.

I hate it when I'm set aside,
I hate it when I have no choice but to hide.
Why do people not see me the way I want them to?
Why do people continue to keep on hurting me so?
I feel tormented and so lost,
I feel like my life can be such a pain.

I like living as there is so much to look forward to,
If only others will see it too.
But I hate living a life that is a lie,
I hate living a life that isn't mine.
Only time can tell if things will change for the better,
I can only stay optimistic for so long after all...

One Of Those Days When You Feel Like Ehh...

Has it really been months since I last visited this place? Yeah, well, my last post proves it. I haven't been here a lot lately because my life has been both hectic, productive yet only in experience but never in money, and most of all, stressful. September is near and then, I realize that this year will soon be coming to a close. I became 30 this year and what have I to show for? NOTHING! I find myself feeling down today as I came upon this realization. I feel like even if I have done so many things in the past few months, here I am, empty handed. Did I waste away all those months laboring away for nothing? I feel hollow now, empty and believing that it was all for naught.

Today, I felt fed up. I felt like I wanted more and I deserved more but I guess life has another way of showing me I don't want it that much now and that I deserve better in the future. But when will I ever get what I want or what I deserve? Will life ever treat me fairly? I am done thinking that life is fair and that I can survive with perseverance and positvity. Maybe reality is a lot harsher than everybody thinks and that I should not ignore it because I get to face it every day. It has been months since we stopped working in the food business. Shattered dreams for sure. Working in a restaurant is difficult. It has given us new experiences however, the commercial kitchen is also a place filled with heartbreak. Never mind the pain of the heat that welcomes you every day, the rigorous prep time, the stressful lunch and dinner service, the hot oil that scalds you or the cuts from the knives, the fish fins or anything else that can make you bleed. Slaving away at a place where you never got to earn anything was just brutal. We hoped for something better and now, we are hoping still.

It has been two months since we started operating our new found business, our photobooth business. Although it was fun to study everything and have creative freedom over what we should and shouldn't do, we are now faced with the dilemma that many business owners have - How to get more customers. I am not 100% very good with PR but I am trying my very best. I have decided to stop being timid in order to promote better and yet, despite the fact that I have already sent text messages, online messages and posted on different groups, here we are, left with none. Although we do have one client as of the moment, we have come to realize that one client is not enough. It is frustrating to be this way. But I have not given up just yet. We intend to do more marketing - actual marketing in the real world next time - not like the online marketing which I have been doing for a while.

Expectations - I have come to realize that there should be none for it will always be the root of all heartache. Right now, apart from our own business, we have decided to help out in one of my mother's businesses. We are trying to be thorough with this one and because of this, we are hoping that everything will run smoothly. I have never had experience in sales. Yet, here I am braving this sort of business. The marketing and promotional events are taxing but someone needs to plan in order for them to work. The inventory and the paperwork is tiring as well but it has to be done. Now, comes the hard part, the encoding and the money involved. I never really liked Mathematics but this is worth trying. So, although the year has not been what I expected it to be, I am hopeful. Even if I am feeling like I want to be detached from my life forever and start a new one - I am hopeful. For being hopeful is the only way to go for me...

2015: Typical Expectations, Unlikely Observations

The New Year ushers a new beginning for everyone. As a year ends, it also feels like it ends one chapter in a person's life. Since the New Year is all about new beginnings, I have come to realize that it does not matter who you are and what you are. At some point, we all want the same things. Looking at the posts of many, if not all, of my friends on their social media accounts, I constantly see their wishes for 2015. Comparing them, I noticed the similarities. The obvious wishes include the following: To get rich or to be richer, to the loveless, to find a partner, for career and goal-oriented people, it is to get promoted, for the capricious, to be able to buy new gadgets, a car, a house or others things which will make them happy, for married couples who have been trying to conceive, their wish is to have a child,  for those who have gained weight or are already plus size, to lose weight, for those who have vices or bad habits, wishing to be rid of them or to at least be able to resist them and lastly, the most obvious and less selfish of all wishes to have good health. We all wish for so many things. Call them New Year's Resolutions if you wish however, they are still expectations, no matter how you look at them.

Wishes which are not commonly uttered by many include: World Peace. It might be something that most beauty pageant contestants say but in reality, it is not exactly easily attainable. No matter how we try to achieve it, there can only be a period of peace and it does not last forever. There should be a balance after all and a little chaos mixed to peace is healthy. A cure for deadly disease. Developing one is not easy. Although many say there are already cures readily available to all of us, I believe we should not believe in tall stories. Wishing for the medical field to actually get serious with this and look for cures could take years, even decades, to actually be successful. But that does not mean we should not wish them. Most wishes for the New Year are made for us, not for others. We rarely wish for other people. Sometimes even never.

If I am going to be asked how I want my 2015 to be, I would say I don't know. I want so many things, true. However, I also know that reality has other plans and that God will lead us where he wants us to. I would probably wish for our businesses (if not all) will succeed. I am sure that everyone in our family would benefit from this wish. For this year, my husband and I are business and career-oriented thus, the said wish. But we also wish for good health and more patience. Despite the fact that many people around us constantly bug us to include in our priorities having a child, we just don't see that happening this year. This is our way of not being selfish. Our way of thinking how we are going to make him/her have a good life. But then again, there will always be people saying that there are so many poor people who cannot afford to feed themselves who have children every year. I am saddened that we are being compared to that when all we want is for the good of our future child. We always tell everyone that we will have one in God's perfect time but I guess even that simple answer is not enough to sate them any longer.

2015 has not started yet but just like everyone, I would like to welcome it with positive vibes. I know it won't be a perfect year (not like there is ever one) but I hope and pray that this year will be kind to me. I am used to riding the roller coaster of life after all so why is this year going to be any different? Why bother sharing your New Year's Resolutions when you will just be using the same one every year? Why can't we just keep on moving forward, hope and pray for the best and at the same time, work hard to get whatever goal we would like to get in the end? Everybody expects something from their 2015. I just hope that they are not just prepared for the good things but as well as the bad things that might come hand in hand this year. Sorry to burst your bubble but there is no magic. No fairy tale happy endings. Be grateful. Be happy no matter what 2015 has in store for you.

2013 was a year filled with sadness when we lost our dear Lilly but it was also a time for a change when we decided to pursue our passion - food. 2014 was a year or many new beginnings and challenges. As we end this year, we all hope and pray that 2015 be a more beneficial year for all of us, no matter what it brings us. Good or bad, we will be fine. Bring it on, 2015!

Who Needs Someone...?

I have often wondered if human beings can ever live alone. I think we can. However, it is better not to. But some people still choose to live alone, distant from others, because they want to. To them, there are more benefits to being alone than from being with someone. Come to think of it, I guess the common benefits include not having to worry about anybody else, one gets to do everything he/she wants without considering others and just be comfortable to be one's self. But loneliness will always be a constant struggle. Overcoming loneliness is never easy. Which is why any succumb to taking their own lives. Suicide or even attempted suicide commonly happens to people who are alone and because they have detached themselves to the outside world, nobody will ever know they are gone until it is already too late. They must live hard lives but who am I to judge them? 

I am someone who can exist with someone or with no one. Sometimes I enjoy the company of others while I also treasure my time alone. I cannot live without either. When I was younger, I used to believe in destiny and soul mates. I used to think that there is one person fated for everyone. Some just find them earlier than others. But as I got older, I realized that being alone is a choice. It is pretty much just like happiness. I am not alone. I have a husband, a family, friends and other loved ones. But sometimes I feel either smothered when I get too much love while I feel troubled when I do not get enough. It is complicated. 

Although I am already married, I have to admit that my life is not fairy tale. It is not perfect. I am not a Disney princess and I did not marry Prince Charming. I do not live in an enchanted land or in a magical castle. I do not have a wicked stepmother or glass slippers. Sometimes I even wonder if this is the life for me or if I made the right choice. Nobody's perfect. We all make mistakes. But somehow at the end of the day, I know I have made some of them right. My husband and I sometimes have arguments and misunderstandings but at the end of the day, we try our best to be okay again. It is hard to sleep with bad feelings toward each other. But that's us. I wonder how other couples are. 

Honestly, I pity those who have partners who couldn't care less. Having arguments and misunderstandings are normal but dealing with them and making peace takes a lot of hard work and patience. If no one among the two are willing to try harder, to lower their pride and to be the grown-up then nothing will ever come out of it. Arguments and misunderstandings can lead to stress. They can lead to anger, frustration, loneliness and even regret. Why would anybody need someone who would never understand them? Trying to understand someone is okay since there is still effort involved. Putting effort in something or in someone means you are investing a part of yourself and your time for that person.

Who needs someone? Some, if not, most, do. However, be ready for that someone because not everyone's lucky enough to get who and what they wish for. Accepting who and what you will receive wholeheartedly is never easy but one needs to try. Your happiness is up to you. You will never get it if you don't do anything about it. So, if you end up getting someone who only gives you loneliness then what is the point of staying with him/her? You can always keep on trying but what happens when you get fed up and you are pushed to the breaking point? Will you still need that someone then? Finding a partner forever is no easy task so choose wisely. Maybe we all need someone. Regardless if it is for love, for friendship or for employment. After all, no man is an island but who knows?

Christmas: To Love And To Loathe

Ah, the holiday season! To most people, it is a good time to reunite with their family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances however, to some it isn't. The holiday season is a time to be merry, to eat delicious food, to exchange gifts and to drink a lot of booze but it is also a time to remember what Christmas truly is about. These days, Christmas is too commercialized to everyone. Whenever you ask someone about what matters to them every Christmas or what do they remember about Christmas, they say gifts, decorations, reunions, parties and food. Many people who should believe in Christ no longer celebrate this day as a celebration of the day of his birth but rather just a time to be with their loved ones. In fact, more people nowadays believe in Santa Claus on Christmas Day. It is a sad reality that we all must realize sooner or later.

There are many things which I both like and dislike about the holiday season. Sure, I enjoy seeing my relatives whom I have not seen in a long time or even my friends or people I used to be associated with however, I am not so keen on being with them for so long as that is when things start to go ugly. I remember the different phases of questions I had to endure answering and reacting to in various holiday seasons. When I was in high school, I used to get asked when I would get a boyfriend. It was easy to avoid those questions then as I would simply blush and I said that the thought has not crossed my mind yet. Meanwhile, when I finally had a steady boyfriend and we have been together for so long, we would often get asked when will the wedding be. It was awkward as we were not thinking of getting married yet during those years and when we finally wanted to get married, we did not wait for Christmas last 2010 to get it done. I thought we would not be asked any more questions any holiday season soon. Unfortunately, I was dead wrong as the next year, we kept on hearing the question when will be having children. Honestly, it was frustrating. So when we finally had the chance to have a child, we were ecstatic. Everybody were. But then God gave her wings only after a week of being born last February 2013 and we were back to being just the two of us. 2013 was a painful year without her and being asked how she died was not exactly our favorite question to answer but we got to the acceptance stage eventually. Which now brings us to Christmas 2014. After almost two years of our sweet Lilly's passing, we are now feeling the pressure once more as we again hear questions about when we will be bearing another child in this world. Seeing so many of our relatives pregnant and having little ones does not ease that pressure, it only builds it even more. How I wish it would be easier next year. It is hard to be caught on the spot, in the hot seat especially when all our answers do not seem valid to most people. If only bearing a child was that easy...If only they would understand...

I love eating good food during holidays. Although I know it is a pain to plan the menu, to shop for ingredients and most of all, to cook them all, at least, I can smile at the end of the day knowing that I have done all of them with love. I am not fond of the cleaning but it comes with the cooking so thus, inevitable. I am not anti-social. I just don't like to socialize too much. I guess I have a limit for these things which is why sometimes I tend to disappear in a room full of people. I always find a place to hide in case I feel the need to be absent and just be with me, myself and I. I love gift giving but I am not fond of shopping for gifts. I do enjoy wrapping gifts. I am just not fond of the trash the wrappers create. I don't like drama on holidays and most of the time, drama comes in many different shapes and forms. Mostly, they come from our loved ones who even if we know have dramatic lives and are somehow annoyed by their stories, we still end up listening, sympathizing, helping or even giving sound advice. So you see, these are the reasons why I both love and hate the holidays. Traffic is already a given so I did not add that here but maybe I am not the only one who thinks this way. Maybe there are also other people like me out there. So, while I wait for the clock to strike midnight, here I am writing all these to you and hoping that your Christmas Day will still be a good one regardless of all the things that you love and hate on Christmas Day. 

My Love And Hate Relationship With My Braces

Me and my husband smiling with our braces on.

Braces, Extractions, Jackets, Retainers, Crowns, Monthly Cleaning, Teeth Whitening and the like. All of these might sound simple enough but to some people, they are considered frightening. A dentist's job is never easy and sometimes no matter how hard they try to be nice and gentle to their patients, they just end up not going back for their next appointments which of course disappoints them. I admit that I used to be one of them.

But why did I fear going to the dentist? Thinking about it now, I guess the only reason I can come up with is the fact that they have scary looking tools and that the idea of sitting in a dental chair seems like you are sitting in a torture device while the dentist continues to probe your mouth. I am sure this all sounds silly especially to adults but some people might have thought the same way I did. However, some people fear dentists because of their past experiences with some bad ones. Example: having the wrong tooth extracted or the anaesthesia administered to you did not take much effect yet and then a procedure gets started on you. Traumatic experiences like that make people generalize so even if they should not fear all dentists, they end up doing so.

Because of my fear of dentists, I have been scared of going to dental appointments. What's worse, my aunt is a dentist and she is our family dentist. I remember her telling me an embarassing story about me when I was young. That was my first tooth extraction. My parents had it done at home as I did not want to go to the clinic to have it done. My aunt said that I kept on shouting, crying and calling every single saint I knew. I was literally asking for help. I had to be held by my parents in order forthe extraction to finish and I kept on crying until I fell asleep. Through the years, that experience haunted me and even if I was already told early on, during my high school years, that I should get braces, I did not. I dodged every single attempt which led me to getting them later in life.

I am turning 30 this year and I have had my braces for almost 2 years now. I don't know how it happened. It was all still a blur. Somehow I was able to just endure and persevere through all the pain of having it done and the continuous pain that comes with every single adjustment that goes with it. I remember that when I first got it, it was hard for me to eat everything I wanted. I had to abstain from eating crunchy, hard and sticky food. Chips were a big no-no. Gummy candies were not allowed either. Even crunchy pig or chicken skin as well as popcorn. I thought I would go mad at first but look at me now. Unlike me who has had these braces for some time now, my husbnd just got his last night and he has been complaining already. Now, he keeps on apologizing to me as he realized how hard it must have been for me. I should be happy with payback but I guess I can't. I know what he is going through and will be going through.

Luckily for me, I was told that I will be having mine removed by next year but oddly enough, I refused. Why? I am not really sure. Maybe I am scared that with it gone, my teeth won't be in their fixed state any longer. I can adapt to the change, I just wanted to be assured that there won't be any gaps in between my teeth afterward. Whether it is separation anxiety issues or I am just being a masochist, I just hope that everything will pay off soon. I know my husband still has a long way to go but I know he will be able to cope with the changes.

If I can give advices to other people who are considering getting braces, I will tell them the truth. The truth braces are like torture devices. They continue to pain you, the longer it is in you. You will suffer in more ways than one. Each person with braces will have his/her own share of misfortunes because of it. You will grow to hate it, be disgusted by it but in the end, it will all be worth it. For me, I see it now as a journey, a roller coaster ride if you will. No matter how many awkward, painful, embarassing or hilarious moments happen to you because of them, they will end and I think that by refusing to have mine removed early next year is testament to the fact that once you get used to the discomfort of having one, you will just find it have to separate ways. Call me crazy if you will but I am sure I am not the only person that this happened to.

Dentists are not the same scary monsters that most children see them as. They are merely doctors of our teeth. I guess as an adult, I can now say that no matter how filthy and how gross it is to have their hands on other people's mouths to get to their teeth, they will still do their jobs as dentists which is something that most people often neglect to see. I may still be in slight pain right due to my newly adjusted braces but I cannot bring myself to imagine what my teeth woud have been now if not for them. Thankfully, I still have my aunt to help me get these despite all the misgivings I have done to her and all the other dentists out there. Now, I can say that there's more to life than being afraid of a dentist and what he/she can do.

Changes: Our Lives Then & Now

Time heals wounds. Now, I can testify to that. My life has had its fair share of ups and downs and although I would like to say that I am stronger now, I think that is not enough to make me better prepared for what's yet to come. After surviving a very tragic pregnancy which lead to the demise of our first child, our lives came at a stand still. We both were shattered by our loss and have thought of giving up several times. I have constantly cried not just in my sleep but in nearly every waking hour of the day. But after months of tears, my husband and I have decided to move on. We know for a fact that we will never forget what we have lost however, we realized that our child will not be happy to see us this way. Instead of continuing to cry over her, we made her our inspiration to strive harder. It was back to work for me and back to school for both of us. This time, we decided to explore our love for food. It was a journey that we know we will never forget and never regret. Culinary school is not as easy as it seems however, we were glad to have been a part of something that made us more passionate about food. Life in the kitchen is tough and at the moment, we only hope that we will be able to survive it.

Looking back on the years that have passed as we embark on our journey to becoming cooks, we realized that there's just so much we have missed. If only we could turn back the hands of time, we could have been more exposed to the world of food earlier on. Culinary school taught us many different things. Apart from the knowledge which we have gained, we also gained some new-found friends and mentors. Although we may not know what the future will hold for all us, we remain hopeful that one day, we will all be able to get somewhere with the knowledge and skills that we have learned and that with each passing day, we will continue to grow and become better. Life is different now so it seems. Yet, it still feels the same. I will always find happiness in food however, now, I can't seem to find it much in the food that I eat if I know it was not homemade or made with love. Fast food used to be yummy, now, I just enjoy eating it when I am exhausted and have no time to cook for myself. Knowing things that I did not know before about food made that difference. Any other changes? Sure, plenty.

Back in the day, we were more concerned about when the next anime, gaming or toy convention will be as we would like to attend them, take photos of cosplayers, get some freebies or even buy something otaku-related. Now, all we can think about is going to the next food convention despite the fact that most of the big ones happen in SMX which is very far away from us. In the past, I was the only one who enjoyed going to bookstores especially second hand bookstores due to my love for reading fiction. Now, even my husband enjoys going to the same places because we now have love for books and magazines related to food. It looks like our bookshelves will be filled with a whole lot of them soon enough. Shopping was not something that we enjoyed however, now, we enjoy shopping – shopping for anything we can use in the kitchen only though but it is still considered a change. We no longer see kitchen utensils, equipment, ingredients, fresh produce and food itself the same way. Culinary education and kitchen life has changed all of that. In fact, even watching MasterChef became both more interesting and less interesting. More interesting because we can now analyze some aspects better but less interesting due to the unfairness of who gets to be booted out every week.

On television, the life of a chef always seems so grand, so eventful, so different. But once you immerse yourself into the field, you will soon realize that it is not all that. Unfortunately, that is what the general public do not understand. Most people believe what they see on TV and so, whenever they find out that you went to Culinary school, they immediately think of you as a chef which is of course, not true. Having proper education will of course give you a leg up on others however, if you do not practice or pursue your dream of working in a kitchen then, what is the point of being educated in the Culinary field? Whenever we get asked if we are chefs, we say that we are cooks. We might be educated but we know that we are not yet that educated to be called chefs. We have not even earned the right to be called that. Wearing a chef's jacket and a toque might just too much for us as the moment especially since we have not taken the TESDA NCII examination yet. Hopefully, after applying everything that we have learned in school in our daily kitchen duties and after taking that exam, we can be proud enough to be called chefs. For now, our journey has merely just begun. Hopefully, after a few years time, it will all be worth it. 

In reality, life in the kitchen is filled with both blood, sweat and tears. Every cook/chef needs to invest not just time and effort in the kitchen but creativity as well. Life in the kitchen is hard and draining. Very different from what we see, read and hear about. But no matter how un-glamorous the kitchen life may be, we are here to stay. Whether we become famous or not, does not matter much to us as we only care for those who we make happy with the food that we create. That's what real happiness is to us right now. Definitely a big difference to what happiness used to mean for both of us. Hopefully, our passion and sincerity for what we do will come through everything and anything that gets made in our kitchen at home and at work. This is our life now. Better make the most out of it.

 Our first day in school.

 First time in the kitchen as we practice our safety & sanitation. (HACCP)

 Our first kitchen hands on with Chef Rudolf Ranada.

 Hubby and I in our chefs' jackets. 

Fruit and Vegetable Carving With Chef Vicky.