Help Me! I'm Alive

I smile when everybody looks at me while I cry on the inside. I wear a mask that doesn't fade. I wear a mask that never goes weary. I swear to wear these masks until the day I die until my heart stops beating and air is no longer in me. These masks I wear have made me stronger. I may have been a master of deception but here I am weeping and asking for salvation. How can I be saved if no one will see past my masks in order to get through my hollow self? How can I be better when I know nobody even cares? I'm so lonely and alone. I'm so broken and disturbed. I've come to gain something, something that I can never have for my eyes are the windows through my soul. Come and take a look at me!


I scream at the top of my lungs as I feel myself drowning. Like a claustrophobic getting suffocated in a crowded space or a helpless child crying in one corner looking for her mommy. I am a defenseless person. I may look strong on the outside but realistically, I am not. My hands have started shaking as my masks are starting to break. Oh dear God, what shall happen to me? When all is gone what will be left of me? My heart starts pounding. It starts racing inside of me. As I close my eyes and my tears start streaming down my cheeks, I let out a silent prayer as if demanding for this life filled with misery to end. Meaningless is the only word that echoes in my head as I feel my body going numb again.


My friends and family seem to know me. I don't know it's hard to tell. I am filled with the lies that I made so how can I face them again this night? I was foolish to have thought of cheating them. I was selfish to have thought of leaving them. Who am I to be this way? Who am I to put them all to shame? The distance that we have may not be great but do they know my sunken fate? It's pointless. I see nothing of me. The future is uncertain that only once thing is clear. I am a lost soul because I want to be and I continue to wear a mask to push people away so that they'll never feel what it's like to know me and feel empty without me. I don't want to be lonely anymore, I don't want to be alone. But how can I get past the invisible walls I created when I myself have restricted myself to get past them? I sing the saddest lullabies as I try to fall asleep. I embrace the darkness around me as the cold wind brushes on my face. I see the light outside my window coming from the moon that shines above. I see the light coming from outside my door. I reach out for it but I feel like my arms are becoming sore. I try harder this time. I even make a run to the door. 


But alas! My poor body is weak. I am nothing but broken. On the floor, I see my bloody self. I am no longer breathing. Looks like I did not survive. The tragedy of my life will be filled with lament by those who loved me and those who cared while I continue to regret this wretched fate but what am I to do now that it's too late? So, I say goodbye to my wasted life and hope to move on to something more that will keep me alive. With the promise of another chance of life, I step into the light. I suddenly feel that I'm alive. I smile sincerely as my heart no longer bleeds. Peace has taken over me. No more restless nights for me.

 My heart beats but nobody can tell that deep inside me, it's already dead.

 Do you know the real me? Do you know how I feel right now? Words can describe who I am and how I feel. All I know is that I am different and sometimes I feel like I can no longer feel.

 I write in my diary all the thoughts that run into my head, all the feelings that I want to share. To me, it's my only friend and the only one who can ever understand me.

 I pop a pill every now and then to ease what I feel but nothing helps me get better. It's all a lie. I guess I will never be stable.

 Do you see the smile on my face? Wipe it off and you'll see my real face. Melancholy is the word that describes it. How ridiculous it is for this life to make me go on pretending.

 This empty meaningless life needs to change. A fulfilling one, I'd rather face.

 So here I am tattered and torn, pretending to survive all alone when I need someone badly, I need to be secure but my mind is a complicated maze. It only makes me seek out pain when all I need is real happiness. Who am I to blame?

All the negativity surrounding me, with the thoughts in my head that's making me become a monstrosity. I hate all this negativity. Won't they just let me be me?

Make Up: To Have Or Not To Have?

I believe in the saying that a woman should wear make up but never let it wear you. I am not a huge make up fan and growing up, I never did pretend to put some on my face. I was a tomboy growing up thus me favoring more toys for boys than for girls. These days young girls know everything about make up already at such a young age. Why? Because people are more self conscious now more than ever, the media is making teenage actresses wear make up to make them look more mature in public and the society seems to be accepting these changes. Why are we allowing teenagers to be dependent on make up already when they are still young and do not need to conceal anything from their faces? I'd understand older women who need to conceal the flaws on their faces but young girls shouldn't hide anything for they are still young and thus should have a more natural look.

Which brings me to question their motives. So, why are most women, young or old, dependent solely on make-up? One of the biggest reasons is most women or young girls believe that with make up anything is possible. From a normal looking face, someone can have a gorgeous looking one through make up and other methods to help enhance what the woman already has. But do women really need these enhancements? I am all for 100 percent natural beauty. Yes, I wear make up every now and then but I keep my make up to a minimum. I put on some powder, some lip gloss, lipstick and a little blush and voila! Sometimes when I am for a more Gothic feel to my look, I put some eyeliner on but that's as far as I can go on a regular day. I've seen other women putting way too much make up on their faces without even staring at the mirror and erasing what they put on their faces. To me, they look like clowns with all the facade but I know that underneath all the thick make up lies a natural beauty within.

Make up should enhance one's good features and hide one's imperfections but why be ashamed of what you have when you can simply flaunt it? Sure, I am not an actress or a beauty queen but even they don't look pretty without all the make up. All I'm saying is that there are many reasons as to why women are afraid to show their natural forms. Whether it is their insecurities or they are just not used to it, the point is, beauty shouldn't lie on how much make up you put everyday but rather in how much beauty you have with or without it. We often dwell too much on our looks that we often neglect what truly matters. Yes, beauty matters but not just outside beauty but inner beauty too. If only we would see past what the eyes can see. We are all beautiful in our little way. May it be the freckles on one's nose or the moles in one's cheek. We are all unique and special in our own way so why hide it by using make up or why use make up to make people miss the most important highlights of what makes you, you? I say go for the real you. Aim for the natural look. Who knows? It might even be more appealing to others than you think.

I am not a big make up fan. This is the farthest I have gone so far on my own. Of course, I will not count the make up disasters that have happened to me in the past. When I was too naive to know that I already looked like a clown because of the thick make up that the make up artist put on my face. But I said goodbye to those nightmares long ago for I now know somehow what I should wear and shouldn't wear.  Thank God!

A letter to make you feel pretty whenever you don't feel like you are.

 Clearly she doesn't want to be seen without her make up, her wig and her circle lenses. Gods! If every woman would do the same thing then nobody would be flawed any longer and we would live in a world filled with mediocre looks. I don't want to be a part of that fake world. I want transparency and if some people can't deal with it then I'm staging a rebellion soon.

 I agree. Beauty is NOT make up. It never was and never will be.

So don't worry if your lipstick is smeared all over your face and you look like The Joker in someway. All that matters is that you know the beauty that lies within. It doesn't matter what others people think or say. If they don't like what they see then let them be. You are beautiful no matter what they say, with make up or without make up.

Return To Innocence

I wish I could go back to the days of old when cartoons were the only shows I ever watched and nap time, play time and study time were the only things I had to do with my life. When I never worried about what I looked like and never really thought about how to pay the bills. Oh, how I wish I can return to my innocence, the age that I loved. Curiousity may have robbed me of my innocence. It might even have hastened my change. But everybody needs to grow up somehow. Some people just age faster than others and others remain the same. Growing up is not a painful process. It's merely an eye-opening experience for everyone. If only things can stay the same. I don't mind staying young forever but I guess we all must move on. However, some grown ups stay young at heart. I personally don't want to grow up fast. I may have gotten older but I will still stay the same. I'm free spirited and forever will be. Looks like innocence can take on a different form when we all grow up. 

Let's NOT stop dreaming! Growing up shouldn't stop us from imagining. From creativity comes imagination and without imagination, I don't think I can ever be that productive.

I miss the old times. I miss the old me. I miss everything about my old self and my old life but I still love the new me and my new life nonetheless.

 Curiosity killed the cat and in some people's cases, it killed their innocence. 

 He robbed her of her innocence. What kind of person would do that to anyone? Would you take away anybody's innocence merely for personal gain? Well, that's just selfish and insensitive of you then. You should be ashamed of yourself!

I miss if not all these things, most of them. Farewell, my beloved childhood. 

We can grow up but we can still stay the way we are. With innocence or without innocence, let's all be the way we used to be or perhaps a better version of what we used to be.

You're Perfect To Me

"I never did like you perfect. I guess I like you better flawed. So, who needs a perfect woman when I have you?" 

He said this to me the other day and I smiled when he did. Yes, it did make my day. But how can the woman in me forget all this anxiety? Why am I getting so worked up with my insecurities? Truth to be told, it's hard to tell.


I am a woman and I have grown insecure. Yes, I admit it. I am an insecure mess. I try to be perfect. I always try to be someone else. I try to be better than everybody else. What does that make me? Why can't I just be me? Why do I always have to consider other people when my happiness lies in me? Up to this day, I am still confused. Don't get me wrong, I love myself but I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes anymore. I am obsessed with being somebody that I am not. I have even tried to hurt myself. It's complicated. I feel the pain inside me. I'm conflicted. What else should I be?


They say men like women who aren't insecure and who believe in themselves. I believe in myself too but why do my insecurities come to the fore whenever you don't need them to be? No, I don't believe that everybody's greeted equal for if so then why are other people born with better lives than others? Life is unfair as we know it. But, I am a grown woman now and have learn to deal with my insecurities. Somehow, someway, things fade and whenever I feel an insecurity in me arise, I stop and think about it. I reflect before I get into a self-destructive rut again. I've been there done that so before I ever go there again, I'd better stop. 


Insecurities are a part of who we are and a part of growing up and if we don't learn to face them or conquer them, we can never get better thus, we can never win them all. We may not be perfect in our eyes but to others we are. So why be depressed when you are loved? Just remember that insecurities only make relationships complicated and sometimes it can be the reason for losing a loved one as well. So, learn to let go of the little things that don't matter and learn to live with things that matter most. 

Yes, this is me...

This I can assure you is true...

I wonder why girls think this way. Perhaps we have the media and the society to blame for all that. Why can't we all just be ourselves and live happy and normal lives instead? I don't want a life that's being dictated by what's in and what's out. I just want to live my life the way I should live it. With no thoughts whatsoever about what other people will think and say about me. I want to be FREE!!!

Misunderstood is the best damn definition of someone like me especially during the time when my insecurities were eating me alive. It was horrifying and I never want it to happen to me ever again...

I'm sorry if I can't be perfect...

Good thing I have found someone who looks past my flaws and just love what is before him. Not everybody is lucky though.

Love Hurts

They say that only brave people should love. Why? Because if you have the courage to put yourself out there without anything to shield you from the pain, to bear it all just to find your true mate then it's meant to be. Nobody knows for sure when it's going to happen or if it's going to happen. Hopeless romantics everywhere believe in finding their so called soul mates, their Mr. or Ms. Right. Some even believe in happy endings. Blame it on fairy tales. Others believe in love at first sight while others believe in destiny. Nobody knows which one will lead them to the love of their lives but for desperate people anything will do.

I took the plunge several months ago. If you ask me if I think he is my forever? That I am not 100 percent certain however, life is filled with uncertainties and there is nothing we can do about that. I boldly took the risk. It was a leap of faith. Most single people are uncertain about many things and often ask questions like "How will I know if he/she is the one for me?" or "Will we be together forever"? When honestly, the answer lies in you. No one can know if he or she is destined to be the one for you. Nobody can choose that person for you as well. You all have to rely on how you feel and what you think. You can't determine your life mate by simply weighing petty things. Such things take time to consider. As for the question of you being together forever, all I can say is maybe or for some people, is there such a thing?

Relationships are hard work and so are marriages. How can you expect to be with someone forever if you are not willing to build up your own forever?Why I am saying all these? I am not the Love Doctor or a person who can foresee things but I am a realist. I merely base my opinions on what I see and what I feel. I am not saying that you shouldn't follow your heart. You should because you feel strongly about something or someone however the brain is the highest organ in place because you should use it first instead of your heart. Better yet, use your brain and your heart hand and hand. As hard as it seems, it's possible. A harmony between two logics only to come up with a balanced reaction. Don't get me wrong; I am a romantic. I am just not the hopeless or delusional type. I have had love and lost. I have been scorned but got through it. I became suicidal and depressed. The heart may look like it's strong enough to withstand anything but it can break somehow too. I have witnessed people through their heartbreaks and I know that no matter how hard we shield our hearts from everything, our hearts will still feel the pain somehow.

Yes, there is magic in love but we can't always put our faith in simply something that we can't see. Magic happens instantly and it happens for a reason. Usually only the people involved feel it and see it and sadly, they are also the ones who feel and see the magic fading before their eyes. The truth hurts especially when you thought that you had something to live for forever but it shouldn't matter. It might hurt now but it shouldn't in the long run. We should learn to let things go and just keep moving on. For only when we learn to let go of the past, will we ever learn to live in the present and plan for the future. Love isn't about looking for the right person. Love is merely an undeniable feeling that people feel strongly towards the people that they care most about. So if you feel it towards those that you love the most, seize the moment and never let it pass you by. Life is short so why not share the love? Soul mate or no soul mate, give love to the person whom you know shall give love back to you. That's the simplest rule in love that I know...

So whoever said that love was easy. Love means you are brave enough to put yourself out there and do your best to be loved back. You do it all for the feeling that you need to be loved by someone. So, how do you know that by being brave enough will lead you to the one who should love you? Some have been mislead and lost while others have luckily been found. Nobody knows what fate lies ahead of you. It's all a leap of faith...

Everybody wants to be someone who can make others change for them but in reality, if you truly love a person then you will love that person from his/her good bits up to his/her worst bits. That's just the way love goes. Acceptance is one step to a good relationship. You can't always expect people to change for you. Sometimes you gotta learn to adapt and learn to adjust for them too.

I don't want LOVE to be just another mediocre thing that everyone has and doesn't give importance to. I want to have LOVE that is precious and hard to have. I want a LOVE that's valued and earned. I want a LOVE that is mine...

I want to do this no matter how hard it is so that I won't regret anything in the end. I just don't want to feel guilty in the end and most of all, I don't want to play the blame game...

Is there really a special person meant to be for every single one of us? How will we know? Should we just go on waiting or should we just let fate take it's course? I never did believe in soul mates or Mr. Right so why start believing in one now?

Mother's Day

Dedicated to the lovely women in my life who raised me. Some of them may not be included in this photo however, they will still forever be remembered and cherished in my heart....

I wrote a poem for my mom once in Filipino and I remember submitting it in class. It was a project of mine. I ended up getting a good grade for it and my mom was pleased to have read it. Yesterday was Mother's Day and this year is my first one where I am not home. I suddenly miss my mom and how mother's day was like when I was with her. But despite the fact that I am far away, I am still glad that I was born in an age where I can electronically send my love to a special person wherever I may be. So, I decided to greet her on her most special day as I try to not become sentimental about it. I know it was sent electronically but somehow it has more meaning to it now. I guess the old people were right when they said, I will understand everything more as I grow older.

Yesterday, I somehow had an overwhelming feeling of understanding. Yes, I am an adult now and someday, I shall become a mother too. Not all mothers are perfect. Not all mothers are prepared to have their own children. Some are overprotective, some don't even care. Some love their children fiercely while others are cold. My mother wasn't a superhero nor a magician but she certainly did everything to save the day and did magic with her able hands. She never wore a cape or owned a magic wand but to me, she was the best mother any girl could as for. I idolized my mother as a kid because I knew she did everything she could for me. She left to work for another country to make sure she can save money for me. She left me to be raised by my grandparents and took me with her when I was about 11 years old. I became a teenager before she knew it and along with the teenage years comes the angsty side of the growing years. Yes, we've had more than our share of misunderstandings and fights. I remember hating her and my dad back then but I guess that's just normal. When I got older, my rebellious stage has somehow diminished but still there are times when I never get along well with her. Sometimes I feel guilty for being bad to her when I know she's just being kind and understanding to me. Mother knows best.

Everybody knows that and no matter how hard I try to get my own way, at the end of the day, I would still feel guilty at the thought that I didn't do what Mom said and that I was wrong so she was right. I never had the heart to tell her all the time. I was too proud and too afraid. Yes, I am an adult but still a little kid at times. I love my mother with all my heart, I just never really showed her all that when we were together. I don't regret things really. I just wish we could have bonded more together. We were both so busy with everything going on with our own lives that we have forgotten what it was like to just lighten up and have fun. My mom is the coolest! I used to tell my friends about her. They often told me how lucky I was for having her. I was proud of her and I felt good knowing that I have her in my life. I can never imagine my life without her being in it.

So, cheers to you, Mother. Through the good times and the bad times or even through the worst times of our lives, we've both gotten through them all. I love you not because you are the perfect mother but because you reminded me that it's okay to make mistakes as long as we learn from them all. I owe everything to you from the moment I was born. I would never be the woman that I am today without you. I guess now that I am older, I know what it's like to be in your shoes and someday when become a mother too, I will do my best to make you proud and somehow learn how to deal with the growing pains of my child too. Thanks for enduring everything that life has hurled on to you and for being strong even when I know it's hard to hang on any longer. Most of all, thank you for showing me that not all mothers should be soft like marshmallows that sometimes mothers need to be ferocious lionesses to protect their young as well or even become as hard as nails in order to get through tough times. Mothers should learn how cope no matter what life hurls at them. Thanks for everything, Mom! I Love You Forever!

I agree. Not all superheroes can wear capes or not all magicians can wave a wand to make magic. Mothers are capable of saving the day and making magic without all the props needed. They are rare creatures that deserve to at least be greeted every once a year of their achievements.

Awww...Just shows that a mother can really show unconditional love to their kids no matter what. Thus the saying, a face only a mother could love. LOL!

We should all show our moms how much they mean to us not just once a year but every single day of our lives together with them.

I wish I could have baked my mom some cookies for such a special day but I never did.

So why not give her a bouquet of the best flowers out there and wish her all the best. Again, Belated Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.