Remembering First Loves...

 If there is one thing that lingers with you until you grow old and wrinkly, it is that part of your life when you had your first love or so some believe. Just like the lyrics of the song that goes:  "First Love Never Dies" but does it really? I have asked several people the same question over and over again and most of them have said that they do not believe in the said saying. Growing up I believed in this. I didn't exactly have an exciting puberty stage. Let's say while some teenagers were busy finding love, I was busy nurturing my talents but even if so, I cannot say that I did not find time to have love. Even if now, I consider it as puppy love, back then, it meant like it was the only most important thing to me or so I believed.

Crushes? Yes, I had tons but that was common. I was a teenager with raging hormones, consistent mood swings and often undergoing physical changes that I still cannot comprehend. Flings? Hmm...How am I supposed to put this? Well, I'll be honest. I did have them but I am no slut. It was all attraction, I swear.  Suitors?  I only had a few. As I have said, I wasn't exactly the most popular girl in school or even the prettiest one. Do I remember my first relationship? Of course, I do. Honestly, I do not remember exactly how long we were together. All I remember is that I was happy then. Was he my first love you ask? Of course, he was! Do I have regrets about it now? I would be a hypocrite to say that I do not have regrets about my past but choosing him to be my first love was not a mistake so I wouldn't go about saying I regret it. To make things simple, we were both young and in love then. We might have done things that were thought to be bad by the people around us especially our parents but we did them out of love. I am sure everybody has done such things when they were young and in love as well.

Would I have done the same things I have did with my first love if I had to relive the past all over again?  Perhaps not.  Sure, I said I did not regret having him as my first love but that doesn't mean that I do not regret some of the decisions and choices that I have done back then. Now, I wonder. If I never made those decisions and choices in the past, would my life be the same as it is now?  Only God can answer that for sure but there is always wishful thinking. Regardless of what had happened to me and my first love, despite the falling out that I feel bad for, I know that somehow that experience made me a better if not a stronger person now. I can say that I am thankful to him for probably being a catalyst to the change in me but then again, I do not know if he feels the same way about me. Do I regret ever having broken up with him? That's a tough one to answer. I loved him then but not anymore. We were  really good friends before we ever got into a relationship and what hurts me the most is that after all has been said and done, we both just couldn't be friends anymore. Our common friends who got caught up in the situation had to choose between me and him. It was a mess! Now, I miss those friendships. I wish they never got in the way of that broken relationship.

First loves are often exciting for people who have had them but when you say that someone is your first love, it does not necessarily mean that he or she is your first lover. It can be the first person that you really felt a strong connection with or perhaps the strongest attraction too and yet you both never managed to be together in the end. Now that I am older, I know that young people have a different perception of love. They often think that love is easy and all relationships are perfect. I cannot call young people delusional but I can call them inexperienced. Only when they finally learn through experience will they realize that love is never as easy as it seems and that relationships are stressful and hard to keep. When I was younger, I believed in happy endings and prince charmings. I thought that one day, one will come for me. It was figuratively speaking of course but still thinking of the same idea now seems to farfetched to me.

What did I learn from having a first love? I can say a lot! Experience truly is a good teacher. Although I never really came out perfect after that whole first love incident, at least I have tried but it did take me a couple more years to get my life sorted. But the overall experience taught me to be cautious of love and to be careful with my heart. After all, I did not want to get involved with so many men in my life and end up marrying none of them. Love is a battlefield. That is true and I learned that the hard way. Teenage love is so complicated. I guess I never thought about it thoroughly before getting myself into it. The whole concept might be problematic but I don't see other teenagers veering away from it. I am not discouraging or encouraging teenagers to find their first loves. All I am saying is that sometimes it is inevitable. It just happens and sometimes when it does, it takes you for a ride. Sometimes all you can do is enjoy it while it lasts and brace yourself for the worse that's to come. I did the same thing. I became happy with it but got hurt as well, experienced tons of problems and consequences along the way but came out of it strong and whole. I am still here now and I am proud to say that I survived the rollercoaster ride. First loves, what are we to do without them? Do you remember yours? I do and I think I will remember for the rest of my life so why bother trying to forget about him? When I know that I won't but that doesn't mean I love him still. It is all but a memory now...

True or not, you decide.

I  couldn't  agree more.

Perhaps but still  you certainly should not regret having had it. Remember it did make you happy  once  so why feel bad about it now?

Forgotten Flings, Former Flames & Past Acquaintances

Time flies. That we know of. It doesn't tick  slowly  for us but rather fast. We all want to make time move slowly for us for many reasons. For me, I would have wanted time to pass me by slowly only  because I didn't want to miss anything and instead cherish the moments that I was in. I felt like I wanted to linger in them, savoring every last detail and forming them into unforgettable memories. Unfortunately, we can never control time and so we just let things pass us by. Funny how after such a long time of never catching a glimpse of each other, you end up seeing someone that you knew in your past - might have been connected, might have been linked or simply just had a friendship with. Isn't it odd when you're actually there and you feel like I need to talk to this person, who might or might not know you anymore, just because you remembered them and wanted to know how they were? I've been in that situation more than once before and let me tell you how uncomfortable it was. 


But first, I think I should focus on my other somehow similar experiences first. Looking at the facebook page of one of my former acquaintances just made me have a smile  on my facTime really flies by fast. Now, he is happily married with a 1 year old daughter. Congratulations to him! Coincidently, I kept on running into him in the building I was working in last year and it was hard to say hello to him for I do not know if he remembers me still. Though I often catch him looking at me when I try to look at him in secret just to confirm if it is really him. Odd how even if we keep on seeing each other, we both just never had the heart to say hi. I will keep on wondering about it until this day as to why he never did and I never did as well. Alright, I admit, we dated but that was a long time ago and I was still young then. I was still addicted to a certain online video game and he happened to be a GM working for the company. He also cosplayed like me and often saw him in events but that was all. He was a good person though which is why I am happy for the way his life went.


What about when you go to the mall and as you walk to one of the restaurants, you see someone you knew and then they ended up just staring at you the whole time but had no courage to approach you? I didn't want to be the first person to introduce myself. Perhaps that other person as well. Don't get me  wrong. My memory is good when it comes  to people. Its just that I am not the type who goes on socializing to people who she doesn't know remembers her. I wouldn't risk it. So, I ended up eating faster than I should then was in a hurry on my way out. It was crazy. It was like there were two sets of eyes boring into my nape or  something.  It was definitely an odd experience. Hmm...such a thing is probably what stalkers do. How about when you ride in a public transportation and then you suddenly realize that the person in front of you is someone that you knew? Do you say hi or just ignore that fact and wait for the person to do the first move? As usual, I always choose the latter. I am such a coward with these things. I probably will never stop being one.  


Maybe they still remember me. Which explains the odd stares and the wordless eyes that seem to just look at me, as if they are hesitant to say something, as hesitant as I will ever be. Maybe they should just stay in the past which is why it is better not to say hi to them. It is not like I owe them money or anything and no, I didn't do anything bad to them. Its just that it is never easy to be reacquainted. Go figure! This is how I see it. So whether you are my past flame, my former fling or perhaps an aquaintance of mine,  I can face you all but I don't think I can ever say anything to you. Not because I am afraid or anything, I guess I just don't know what to say. I don't know how you wil react and furthermore, I do not know if  it would be appropriate. So the past will stay in the past, that is what they say which is why I am currently evaluating that statement whether it is true or  not. Either way all I can say is that even if I don't  get to say something or anything to you right now, I am glad that I met you and that you became a part of my  life.  Who knows how you have affected me and how you have influenced me to become the person that I am today. Thank you for everything. I won't mention you all. You guys know who you are. 

The past is  gone. I must move on from here. To all those that I have left behind, I am sorry but thanks for the memories. I wonder if I will be in your memories too?

Seems Anybody Will Do Anything No Matter How Stupid It Is For This Crazy Little Thing Called LOVE

Why is it that people who are madly in love are bound to do dumb things? Does love have the power to make a person lose control over his head? Why is it that when we're in love, we can say an excuse like: We do stupid things when we're  in love  and hearing it  would not make others judge you but rather say Aww because what you said was romantic and cheesy at the same time?  There I thought that the power of thinking and reasoning could somehow topple down the power of love and passion. I am baffled by these things however they aren't new to me. Coming from a family who has had many experiences of the said situations has confirmed the said rumors. To me they are true. I cannot say that my actions and my decisions that were affected by my heart were all wise but I can say that I haven't done a lot of dumb things in the past. Even those outside my kin have confirmed my thoughts on people turning dumb when in love. Often times, they rant, vent or cry about their love lives. They curse the person that they love and vow to never love him/her again or not anybody like them ever again. I smile triumphantly when they do but somehow I feel they would turn their backs on their words in the end which happens eventually. 


I've given a dozen advices. I've been a shoulder to cry on, a friend to lean on when troubled and most of all, a good confidante who gives out unbiased opinions and even fair thoughts on things. What I don't understand is why in the end after everything that I have done for them, they still end up choosing the loser who cheated on them, hit them, ignored them, lied to them - in short, wronged them? I know it is none of my business to whine about these things as its not my life I am talking about here but the fact remains that I care. The lives they have may not be mine but I am still partially responsible for them as I was there with them when they needed someone to support them. I was merely doing my job. In the end when they still do not listen, I feel used. Its like after everything that I have given to them, they make me feel like they would straighten their acts now and move on to greener pastures and then end up going back to the same old lives that they so wanted to leave behind in the first place. Its like everything is futile. All that for nothing. Gee, thanks very much!


Regrettably, as much as I want to be the good person that I am, I do not think it is advisable for me to do so. Why? Because I am tired of being this way. I am tired of being used up and then just forgotten in the end. I am tired of people promising me things but never really fulfilling them. I am tired of putting up with false hopes that never seem to come to the fore. I am tired of people treating me like they need me now but have no use for me later in their lives. I just want people to treat me properly. I am not asking for much. Treat me as I have treated them and listen to me as if their lives depended on it. I may not be right all the time but if my opinions and thoughts do not matter to you then why the hell do you have to ask of them in the first place? I grow weary of these kinds of games. 


I guess this is my cue to say that I have learned my lesson which I did. I am not going to meddle in love lives any longer no matter how hard anybody I know - close to me or not - tries to make me be involved. If they seek my advice, all I will say is the truth and just leave it there for them to get if they really want it and leave if they don't. I swear not to get emotionally attached nor involved in anybody else's life ever again. I am not the effin' Love Guru. I do not see the future and I do not hold any power over relationships. I don't understand why people come to me for love advice. Sometimes I guess it is best to be rude but that's just me. Love is a powerful feeling and it is overwhelming. I believe that no matter how strong it pulls you and makes you feel all warm and good inside, you can succumb to the feeling. You can still cherish and savor it but please keep your mind intact at all times. For decicing on things using one's emotions can either be biased or if not prejudiced. Our head has been placed above our hearts because it holds our brains which we use to think and therefore, the brain is the most essential tool to use when in doubt. 


The heart can be used later on once everything else is sorted. So, I am stopping myself from being a hypocrite. I am no longer going to roll my eyes while nobody's looking just because they didn't follow what I have said to them. This time around I am leaving them all be to make their mistakes over and over again with high hopes that somehow in the future, they will bump their heads somewhere and realize that I was right and that they were wrong. That their lives could have been better if only they had listened to people like me in their lives. Love passionately but never forget to always think thoroughly.

It's ridiculous to know that love can move people to not only  do good things but also bad but who am I to say if something is good or bad? I am not  other people's personal Jiminy Cricket! So go ahead, climb a balcony if you will to see the love of your life, kill yourself when you hear that the other has died like Romeo and Juliet, climb the highest mountain just  to shout that you love him or her, go back to your loved one even if you know that he/she doesn't treat you right, marry who you love even if you know  he/she will never be faithful to you and will always choose something else of lesser priority than you. Honestly, I just shouldn't care anymore. It's your bloody love lives anyway  but don't come back saying the same things over and over next time cause this time, I will really tell you, you do not have the right to complain for you had this  coming. I know you do not deserve this but you had a chance to change and yet you still did not leave. This is  your fault so don't go blaming anybody else. Like a moth to a flame, when you go near the flame, you get burned but if you are wise enough, you only  get burned once and never again. Please  think of yourselves more next time.

When Knowing Too Much Gets Boring...

Don't you just hate it when you can predict what will happen next? No, I didn't mean looking into the future and actually foretelling what happens next, I just meant if things or people become  predictable and easy to read. But then again just like what they always say, it is better to  know something  than to know nothing.  So I guess predictability isn't  so bad after all since I am not a huge fan of the whole ignorance is bliss belief. 


Just recently, I asked someone certain questions that I already knew the answers to. I just wanted to test him if he would lie  to me  or not.  Apparently, out of the 5 questions I asked, he lied 3  times and  only  answered truthfully  twice. It bothers me that he did not even flinch even if he knew that I have a knack for these things. I can totally relate to other people who have been lied to before and have just pretended to be fools  all along. It was a disappointing experiment but definitely  a learning one.


Being predictable is boring as  what most  people say since there is no chance for surprises or sudden turn arounds in the course of events. Its like seeing a movie and actually knowing the dialogues and what will happen next but I can't  give that as a personal example  since I am fond of  watching  movies over and over again when I like them a lot and even memorizing the lines. Just saying, we need a little bit of  mysterious factor in everything and anything apart  from little  doses  (if not  huge doses) of spontaneity  for what is life without all of them?

Ever done such an experiment before?  Try it! You will get results alright but I don't know if you will end up being happy about it in the end. Results vary on actual subjects to the experimentation process.

Do You Know How To Speak Sarcasm? No? Well, I do!

So I guess you aren't having a good day and here you are being confronted by so many things that are just wrong in so many levels, how will you deal with all  the stress? There are many ways of how you can deal with such things however instead of  going with positivity other people choose to go the other way.   Yes, that's right, they end up being  bitchy about it. Even men can become bitchy and I know this for a fact. They just aren't  called bitchy when they do since such a term is more directed for women. But how can you turn bitchy without actually becoming too offensive? Have no clue?  Well, ever heard of sarcasm? That's right! People of all walks of life have used it but not all  of them are good in it or not all of them can actually understand what it means. 


To me, sarcasm  has two purposes.  One to be funny and two, to be ironic. The key to being good in sarcasm is proper timing. Just like giving out a good joke, it needs to have a proper  punchline first. I can't be sarcastic if there is nothing to be sarcastic about. I mean come on that is just common sense. Sometimes though some people just don't get what you mean when you try to be sarcastic to them. It can either be a blessing or a curse. Why?  A blessing if you are trying to be funny  and a curse if you are trying to  be ironic and stating a point. Sarcasm may sound cool and funny but it is not for everyone. Before you ever try using it to anyone, learn first so that at least it wouldn't be  entirely offensive (not unless that is your whole point of being sarcastic).

What's Up With All This Hate?

Just a thought. Facebook is a social networking site. It is a place where people can freely socialize and share their thoughts and feelings through their status updates or comments regardless if they are considered senseless, boring or simply irrelevant. Everybody's walls have different things in them,  photos, videos and so on. We are all connected here so whatever I put out can be read by almost everyone depending on the privacy settings I have chosen. Unfortunately, not all people can or will be fond of what you put on your wall so I guess it is always better to be a  responsible social network user. In my case, I just think that those who do not like what I put out here can say it to me directly rather than blatantly bashing or even indirectly  speaking of what I have posted on their walls. Other than that they can always either unfriend me or unsubscribe to me so that they won't be seeing my posts here anymore. Fact is that this is  my  private wall and whatever happens here is totally my doing and my responsibility.  Nobody has the right to tell you that you need to change something just because it displeases them. That's just bull! 


Just like most of the people who use this website, I am into this because it is my way of communicating with people since most of the time I cannot go out and actually interact with most of  them.  Facebook has helped me find a way to keep in touch with the people that I haven't seen for a long time  and have made  me rekindle friendships that have long been forgotten. Now even contacting my friends and relatives that are so far away has been made possible through walls and private messages aside from the obvious chatboxes. Aside from that, the games in the said website have been rather entertaining although time consuming and totally addicting  but it helps  pass the time somehow when you need it. I guess Facebook is the ultimate social networking site of our day  but apparently along with all this positivity comes a whole lot of negativity. Lately, I have been observing the posts that my friends have been logging on their accounts. Although I have been negative many times in the past, I have somehow found a way to just post positive things on FB to make  me  feel better and also to inspire others. It worked out for me but apparently for others it hasn't. I often ask myself and all the other people I know: "What's with all this hate?" FB is becoming a place to dumb all our anxieties, frustrations and at the same time bad energy. I  honestly don't like that when I log on to the website and unfortunately, nobody would consider coming back to such a site if people will just end up  being more  stressed while  browsing it.  I mean come on people!


Dumping hate in such a place only  creates more negativity and of course more hate.  I have recently encountered two incidences wherein I have been "I don't know if they meant it or  not but"  I have been an easy target to this negativity. I  am known for almost  always updating my Facebook status and let's face it,  it has become such an overwhelming trend. But unlike  other people  who post just about everything that they do in their status messages, I also sometimes  put things that I have learned or realized in mine.  In short, you won't be seeing my schedule for the whole day in my wall. But even if I am not like that, I do not ridicule the people who do it for they are free to share whatever they want. I can always just turn a blind eye to them if I want to rather than try to butt heads with them and say bad things about them online. That's just immature and something a disrespectful person would do. Point is respect  begets respect but unfortunately even if I do not do bad things to others, others still do them unto to me which is heart breaking really. Just when I thought people  can act like the civilized animals  that we brag about that we are. Seeing and experiencing all these things  just makes me wonder if sharing whatever it is within  you is actually worth it. Maybe it isn't but the fact remains that when I do so, I somehow feel lighter. Facebook has become like a close  confidante to me who will always put up with everything that I have to say.   


The sad part is that some people  are just classic bullies. I know this for a  fact since I have experienced being bullied when I was younger. In just within two weeks, two people have incorporated my status messages on to their wall posts and even if they did not actually say my name as they tried to make a point of either ridiculing or badmouthing what I have done, written nor said, the fact remains that they cannot say that it is only a coincidence as to why my post was linked to theirs. There are so many people  that use this website that the only time a lot of people end up having identical posts is when there is a national holiday/event, a global issue or perhaps a chain message post and then there is that slim chance that other people are experiencing almost the same thing that you are experiencing but the chances of them posting an identical thing online is just slim. With that being said, I do not think they can give an alibi that it wasn't  meant for me but for someone else. I do not understand as to why they are attacking me for no reason at all. It was not like I said something bad about them. I was merely minding my own business and posting about something not related to anyone other than myself. What is happening to the world and to the people that live in it? Whatever happened to rising above the hate and just embracing peace and love? Facebook is turning into Hatebook and if we continue to do nothing about this then nothing is going to change. The situation will just continue  getting worse and that my friends is what already happening in the outside world. Why should we let such a thing happen even in cyber space?


I cannot say that I am a model social networking site user but at least I have the decency somehow to not pick on someone who hasn't been doing anything bad to anyone. If we truly are free then we shouldn't be judged or we shouldn't pushed to conform with whatever everybody thinks is cool.  So what if this is how I things on my wall?  You have your own wall. Why don't you mind yours?  Seriously for all the haters  out there, I don't know what's  your deal but you can all sod off and mind your own business. I am just pissed right now that people have the audacity to do something like this. So, cyber bullying is real and here I am fighting it. I am taking my stand against such a crime and I am making sure that such a thing won't happen to anyone else ever again. If you are a victim of cyber bullying, learn to get away from the cycle of negativity.  Fighting fire with fire only makes it worse so learn to diffuse it with positivity. I am no longer going to confront people who I know would just end up denying the fact of what they did to me and God knows if they are still doing it to me but at least my conscience is clear.  In the greater scheme of things, if I do not do anything bad against them then they will end up being the losers because I just showed them what a better person I am. Make  sure to be proud enough to show them that and hopefully when they realize that they are fools  to have picked on you, it will finally be like a solid slap in their faces or perhaps like a pail of icy cold water being splashed on their faces. I can be a bitch too if I choose to be but I only  choose to be when it matters and when I need to be.  Always remember to not stoop down to those who are not of your level. "Nuff Said.

I wish people would just let others be. Its not like anybody is picking on them for who they are and what they post online. I guess some  people  have way too much time in their hands that they feel the need to mind other people's businesses, status updates and even online posts. Get a life or better yet get a job! Get something else to keep you busy instead of focusing all your energy on something that you have no right working on in the first place. Sheesh!