Sorry For My Tears And My Mixed Emotions

Yesterday, we visited the grave of our daughter, Lilly for the second time. Although this was the second time that we were there apart from her burial, I couldn't help but shed tears once again. Memories flashed before me once again. The times that we visited her in the hospital, looking at her inside the incubator gave me mixed feelings. I felt happy to see her alive and right there in front of me. I was filled with hope that one day, we will bring her home but then again, I also felt sad knowing that she had a condition and that she might be feeling pain and is suffering. I realized now that I was selfish then because I only thought about myself and not my daughter's well being. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a parent. Seeing her grave and knowing that her lifeless body was buried there makes me have mixed emotions too. I feel sad that she is gone and she cannot be with us but I feel happy as well that she is already in Heaven, with the Lord and is not feeling pain. I know that she is happy but at the same time, she feels sad that she cannot be with us as well. Speaking to her while there on her grave, I felt my tears streaming down my face again. 

We went to Antipolo Cathedral after that. I remember the last time I was there. I was still pregnant with Lilly. We used to go there to pray for her. We even visited and spoke to the Black Nazarene there hoping that he would help intercede for us to the Lord. While praying there, I became emotional once again. Seeing many pregnant women passing by and many couples with baby girls only made it worse. As I continued to cry and pray at the same time. I know Lilly wouldn't want to see me like that but I couldn't help myself. I was missing her and I continue to miss her everyday. I thought I am strong enough because I didn't cry the last time we visited her grave but I was wrong. Acceptance is not easy. Moving on is easier said than done. For now, I continue to pray to the Lord that he would grant us the time to grieve but at the same time, he would help us get over all this pain. I do not ask him to take away the pain as it is a way of making us remember what we learned. It is also a way of making us remember Lilly. 

Many people say I should not look at other people and think that life is unfair. I should not think that the Lord is unfair. I used to think that way. I used to think that what happened to us was unfair. Asking why when honestly, we should not. The Lord always has a higher purpose for all of us and he has reasons for everything. I may not understand everything right now but I hope and pray that in time, I will, we will. Maybe I am not ready to go out to the world yet. Seeing pictures of babies everywhere and seeing actual happy couples with babies makes me cry because I wish that happened to me. There are many things that I wish I could have done and I wish I could have. Envy - I should not feel that and yet I do now. I didn't feel that before but now, I do. I feel it because I want what others have and knowing that I had it but cannot have it right now, hurts me. But then I remembered a lesson from one of the masses I attended while I was pregnant with Lilly. Patience - I should have that and I should learn that everything will happen in God's time. Hopefully and prayerfully, one day, my husband and I will be given the chance to have another child.

Speaking of another child, my younger sister and my mom always tell me at home that we shouldn't be sad and that the Lord has other plans for us. They said that he would give us another child. They even keep on joking that maybe God would give us twins one day. Actually, everybody wanted twins to begin with but when they found out that I was only having one child from the start, they decided they wanted me to have a baby boy but that doesn't mean that the birth of our little daughter wasn't welcomed. It was. They all loved her and could have doted on her if she were here. Since we already hid all her things, we are hopeful to be able to use them on our next child one day. For now, reading and posting quotes about Lilly is the only way for me to show how I feel to others. Writing is one of the most effective ways to relieve the pain. Hopefully, this will help with all the sleepless nights and the silent moments when we cry and remember her. 

How do I stop shedding tears for you especially when I know that you are not here physically and can only be with me in other ways? The pain of losing you has hurt me, hurt us but I know that it can also make me, make us stronger somehow, someday, someway...

A Lesson That I Learned Today: Be Thankful!

Predicaments - we all have them. We all go through different degrees of problems in our lives. The only difference that we all have is how we deal with them. Not everybody knows how to deal with problems. I myself know that it is hard to solve problems and be in tough situations. Sometimes I feel like giving in but I realized that I shouldn't. In the years that have passed, I have been bombarded with different situations. Some have been bad, some worse. I have suffered from pain and yet in the end, things got better. I got through them all. Many people say that God doesn't give your problems that you can't handle. There is also that meme that says the same thing. Only in the end it also says that apparently, God thinks you are a bad ass which implies that you get to be given a lot of problems because God thinks you can handle all of them at the same time. I hope God doesn't think of me that way.

Humor aside, I know that life isn't really perfect. Sometimes it can even be unfair. Sometimes there are some things that happen which we cannot fully comprehend. But everything happens for a reason. It does not matter if we cannot understand them. Sometimes we fail to see the bigger picture when we are in the middle of things. We only do once we are out of it. Last January, my grandmother died. We were all sad that we lost her. Then, as if some streak of unluckiness, last March 4, my baby, Lilly died. My husband and I were crushed. Before and after that happened, I have heard so many stories about different people who have different predicaments - mostly involving children. Everyone knows that the death of a loved one is one of the hardest experiences to get over with but loss is not the only thing that is hard to accept in life. There are many challenges that are difficult to deal with as well. While I mourn for my child, other couples mourn for the reality that they cannot have children or are sick which is why it takes them longer to have kids. Like me, they too have things that hurt them - just in a different way.

But not all stories are bad. Some even have good endings. Some couples who are found to be sterile have miraculously gotten children. A miracle I know. Some children with complications survive and are now living healthy lives. These things can happen to anyone. Sadly, it did not happen to me and to the other people that I mentioned earlier. But I am staying hopeful. Hopefully, all the other people who are in dark times will too. Faith is a strong thing to hold on to. It can move mountains as they always say. Although faith cannot be seen or touched, it is strong enough to believe in. 

Somehow, I am thankful for many things despite all the situations that I have been through. I am thankful that my daughter is no longer in pain and is now our little angel with the Lord. I am thankful that despite our loss, there are still many blessings that come to us. I am not happy that I am luckier than others and that others have bigger problems to deal with. I am not pleased that others are in more pain than I am. All I am saying is that we should all be thankful for what we have and we should not complain no matter what. Remember that others might not be as lucky as you. I know this now. Do you?

We should all learn to appreciate everything. Be grateful for everything. What have you been thankful for today and everyday?

Compatible With Life - I Guess Not...

When our baby, Lilly, was conceived, we were the happiest people alive. We thought that our lives were finally complete. At six months, we found out that our baby had complications. I cried immediately while at the hospital while the husband was silent but he felt weak. We didn't know what to say to each other but my OB gave me hope and said that we might need a second opinion. We dreaded that second opinion but prayed for better results. Unfortunately, they never came. The results only confirmed our fears. We worried for our little one, just like many parents would for their children. Although my OB was deeply saddened with the news, she was able to give us hope by telling us that our little one was compatible with life and that she had a high chance of living. We felt relieved to hear that but she said that our baby might not be 100 percent normal in the end. At first, we were sad to hear that but in the end, it all came to the point where we would accept her regardless of her condition. It took us four ultrasounds to actually accept the fact that our baby had Spina Bifida and Hydrocaephalus. It was called an Arnold Chiari Malformation II in medical terms. Our baby would live after the fluids from her brain would be drained using a shant while her back would be needing surgery to remove the growth and somehow to repair the nerves which could affect her lower body's movements. We knew of the risks involved. We were just hopeful as we held on to our blind faith. We knew that the operation would be a major one especially for someone so young. Yet, we remained positive as we knew that our baby was a fighter and that God will not let anything bad happen to her. Sadly after 9 days of being alive, she passed away. Now, I question myself in more ways than one. Could she have lived through the surgery? Was she really compatible with life? Was she really meant to be with us? I know now that God had other plans for her. I just feel sad that she was taken away so early from us. I still cry when I remember her. I still speak to her. 

But it isn't just me who has been greatly affected by this sudden loss. My husband has been greatly affected by her passing too. I remember the night when we were praying so hard as we found out that our baby was in distress. He was not able to visit her that day while I was. I remembered how beautiful and how well she was then. Her condition actually gave me hope that she would be staying with us longer. Too bad that I mistook that message differently. She opened her eyes for me which was not normal for babies her age. I spoke to her and begged her to continue fighting. I prayed for her twice then. I was crying as she looked at me. Her eyes pierced through my soul. I felt happy then. Too bad she was saying goodbye and probably was telling me that everything will be alright. She was telling me to let her go. Too bad it is hard to do so. I told her how much we miss her and we love her. I even told her we would visit her more often and that we couldn't wait to bring her home. That night when the bad news broke out, my husband howled in pain. He cried loudly and punched the wooden cabinet in front of him. He was not just distraught. He was broken. Although I have seen him sad before, I have never seen him like that. He was clearly devastated. We both were. But we both did not regret bringing her into this world. It was an honor to be her parents even just for more than a week. Both of us need to be strong now. We are hopeful that one day, God would bless us with another child who won't be taken from us just like that. Nobody expected her to die. Even our doctors were shocked but her time has come and what else could we do but accept it.

When I was 7 months pregnant, I read about Lilly's condition. Then, I stumbled upon a website which made me cry. It had stories about couples who had children with different conditions. Most of these couples either had children who died or those who they terminated before they were born. My husband and I did not have the heart to do that to Lilly. To some people, we might be selfish because we only thought about our joy without thinking about her pain and suffering. I cannot defend that. All I know is that she is our flesh and blood and that it is a sin to kill someone so innocent. She had the right to live even if it was just for a couple of days. I don't want to judge the people who did what they had to do. That is what they believed was right. Who am I to question that? It is their lives after all and not mine. However, at the end of their stories, they often feel guilty and wonder what would have happened if they let their children live. Even if I let Lilly live, I still feel guilty deep inside. I feel guilty because I know I could have done something for her but I wasn't able to. I feel responsible for her condition especially since I was her vessel for 8 months. Now, I am somehow scared for our next baby but hopeful that things will turn out better next time. 

I guess not all pregnancies have fairy tale endings. Same goes with relationships. I am just glad that even if my pregnancy took a turn for the worse, my husband is still by my side taking care of me especially in these hard times. Like me, he is grieving. The sad part about starting over is the fact that we have lost something and have left something behind. This thing has left a hole inside us that no one and nothing can ever fill. We will continue to carry this pain, learn to hide it and live with it because we don't want it to go away. We don't want to forget our little angel. Lilly will forever be a part of us now no matter what. Many people have said many comforting words to us but words cannot describe how we feel. We know how much we miss her and love her but we also know that we can never be together for now. Many people have said we must be strong and we should try to be happy. We are doing just that but we cannot promise not to cry for despite everything, we know that our tears are not because we are sad for her not feeling pain anymore, we are sad because we can never hold her and be with her but we know that someday we will be able to do just that. 

Before Lilly passed away, I spoke to many people who knew about her case and many of them gave me hope that she would be fine. They said that many people who had them lived and although they could not confirm their life expectancy, they were sure of their survival. Even my OB and Lilly's pediatrician and surgeon were expecting a successful surgery which is why all of them were shocked when she died. I don't think they gave us false hope. Perhaps Lilly's existence was merely temporary and was not meant to be a long term one. Just the other day, I read a short story about the oldest man alive with Spina Bifida. Although he does not have Hydrocaephalus which helped him survive then, he is still a survivor. He is said to be 90 years old now. I could have wished Lilly was able to live even just for a couple of years but then again when I think about her pain and suffering, I realize perhaps God's way of healing her was to take her away. After all, we have been praying for her healing ever since she was inside me. Maybe God has a plan but only he knows that. Although, my husband and I are walking blindly now, we still have hope and faith that one day, we will be able to find the way. We know that God will lead us to the right path and that our little Lilly will always be by our side - although not physically, she will be with us in spirit. 

This story just proves that nobody can know if someone will live to see tomorrow or not. Regardless of the medical diagnosis, only God knows when we will be taken away to Heaven. This is why we should always tell the people that we love how much they matter to us for we might not be able to do so if we keep on putting it off for next time. I am only thankful that I was able to tell Lilly how much she meant to us. She will forever be our little angel, our first little princess and most of all, our treasure that we do not intend to neglect. She may be gone but she will never be forgotten. Our hearts will forever beat for her. Our minds will always think of her. I just hope that she knows all this and that she will always be watching over us. We are thankful that we had her. We love you, Lilly - now and forever. 

Remember Not Only When You Need Something, Remember Because You Truly Care

To be needed is a wonderful feeling. So is to be wanted but then again, to be remembered only when needed is not overwhelming. It is just downright annoying. We often neglect the people that are close to us, important to us. We go about doing things that can make us happy without thinking that always thinking about ourselves is just selfish. Then, when we realize that we are unhappy or are in trouble, we realize that there are some people out there that we need or we can ask for help. 

I don't mind being one of those people but to always be thought of only when the need arises upsets me. I wonder if such a thing will end. Maybe only time can tell. Will these people change? I don't know either. All I know is that I don't want to be one of them. But they say that these people are necessary in our lives. Whether it is to teach us something or to make us value the people that we love more, these people are important. No matter how annoying they can be or will be. 

I wonder though if nobody will help them in their time of need, what would happen to them? I guess that remains to be seen. If a person can endure not helping others then he/she is no better than the person who asks for his/her help. But then again, there will always be limitations to these things. If a person's patience has finally ran out then I guess that's it. There will never be any room for anything else. Change needs to take place in order to mend broken relationships. I don't want to be remembered only in times of need. I want to be remembered in different times too. I hope people that I know will remember that.

People get fed up too. No matter how kind they may be. This is why you should never abuse a person's kindness. 

What Happened To Me The Day God Took You Home

Just when I thought I was strong enough, I found myself crying after looking at Lilly's photos again. Maybe the pain is still too fresh for me to revisit. Looking at her has two effects on me. One, it can make me feel calm as I sink into reality that she is gone and two, my tears start falling without me knowing it and my heart aches which makes it hard for me to breathe. How do you deal with the loss of your child? How do you cope with the loss of someone so dear to you? 

Last January, my grandmother passed away. She was more than 80 years old and she has lived a happy life. Although, she has accomplished so many things, many people felt sad when she died. I was one of those people although I know that what I felt then wasn't really as strong as what my mother, aunts and uncle felt like, I know the feeling of losing someone. At that time, I was pregnant with my daughter, Lilly. I was my grandmother's eldest grand daughter and she was very fond of me. Too bad she never got to see her. Too bad that I think now, she was able to do so.

Honestly, I am not coping well with my loss. The bond between a mother and her child is truly extraordinary. Although, I only felt her moving inside of me, it was like both of us had an unspeakable bond that can never be broken. My mother said that babies know their mothers' voices and sometimes even their fathers'. This is why whenever babies hear their parents' voices, they feel loved. I talked to Lilly on the day she died. She responded to me positively. Which is why I thought that would not be the end of her life. Her response gave me hope that one day, she would be home in my arms, with me, with us. But, God had other plans for our little one. She is now an angel up above. Our little angel who they say continue to watch over us.

No words can ever bring me comfort. No hugs or condolences can ever make me feel happy again. For one, I was incomplete. The day Lilly was born, I found a new purpose in my life. I found happiness in something that cannot be replaced. I found contentment in something that is not material. For once, the things that made me happy have become secondary. Nothing else mattered. Only Lilly mattered. Even my husband felt the same thing. Now, both of us are grieving, coping with our loss in different ways but in whatever ways we can. So far, I think I am the one who is struggling a lot. 

The thought of her still alive but cannot be with us is somehow better than telling myself that she is gone forever. I know I will never forget her and that she will always be missed. We all loved her too much. We all waited for her for so long which is what made it hurt even more. Many people say that she is so beautiful and pure. Even until now, I cannot believe I made something so adorable. We cherished her and doted on her even on such a short time. Life always has other things in store for us and I guess Lilly wasn't a part of it. I feel bad that she wasn't.

I don't know until when I will be this way but for now, I guess I can say that most of my posts here will be sad as I continue to deal with my loss, our loss. Trying to be happy again will be a big challenge for me. Continuing to have faith is another but I know that I can do this somehow. For now, I will struggle, I will fall, I will break down and cry. The sadness is unbearable and the emptiness is terrible. I just hope and pray that someday I will feel nothing but acceptance and happiness. Although I feel happy that Lilly can no longer feel pain in Heaven, I grieve because I know she will never come home with me. So, how can I cope up with this loss? For now, I am not sure. As they say, one day at a time...

One day, we will be together again. But until then, in my heart you will stay. In my mind, you will always be. I will speak to you every day. I will pray for you each passing day. I will never let you go. Please stay. We love you so much, Lilly and we miss you so...

Reflection - March 13, 2013

Regrets...we all have them. At some point in our lives, we have found ourselves wondering why we do have them and in my present state, I know I have a lot of them. It seems that they have now surfaced from the deepest part of me in order to torment me. I am currently on my road to recovery. Not just physically and mentally but as well as emotionally and somehow spiritually. There is no use denying it now. Probably the whole world knows it already and yet only a few people truly care. I don't mind. I have been alone before. I guess I just need people now to cope with my current loss. Everybody knows that I have just lost my daughter, my first born, Lilly. She was my pride and joy. I know it is selfish of me to say she is mine only as my husband lost her too. Actually, both of us are grieving right now but somehow, he is coping better than me. There is no use denying that now. I always say I am okay and that I am doing my best to cope but I still cry often. Somehow I feel guilty. I feel responsible for what happened to Lilly. By what happened to her, I mean her condition. I carried her for eight months inside of me. She was premature but that was not the cause of her death. The cause of it was a complication brought upon by her inborn conditions which my husband and I already knew from the 6th month of my pregnancy yet, we did not have the heart to end it, to end her. We continued to pray for her and others around us as well. She was a miracle when she was born. Sadly, that miracle was short lived. 

These days, I keep on feeling what it would have been like if things were different. What went wrong during my pregnancy? They say I shouldn't be playing the blame game. Not now, not ever. But how can I turn my head on something else when I know that I was her vessel for 8 months? Maybe I could have done things to worsen her situation or perhaps improve it. I am lost. My heart is heavy. I am burdened by the fact that she is gone and that she cannot come back to us. Most of all, I am weary because I want to be happy but how can I when she is gone? Perhaps the only thing that can make me happy now is the fact that I still have my husband who loves me so much despite everything and a lot of family and friends who truly care. How can I stop blaming myself? How can I just let it go? That I do not know. What is moving on and pushing forward? For now, I am stuck in place, unmoving yet caring. I continue to feel but I can't move past this yet. It is way too early. Seeing Lilly for the first time and after letting the thought sink in that I am finally a mother has made me happy beyond my wildest expectations. When I was younger, I used to tell God that I don't want a child -- not yet. Not till I am able and ready to have one. I keep on asking him to give me one in the future but not now. Not when I was still irresponsible. Then, I realized, maybe I am too responsible. 

My husband and I wished for a baby before he reached 30. Too bad, he is turning 30 next month while I will be 28 by then. Although God did give us what we wanted, he took it away just like that. Many people say that Lilly wasn't meant to be for us. We often wonder why. Doesn't she have the right to live longer? We then thought about other parents who are not ready to have children yet they keep on having them. We thought about those who are irresponsible and uncaring for their children yet they keep on being blessed by them. We thought about how unfair it was that we were not given the chance to become parents longer. But we were told to cast negativity aside and to just have faith in Him just like we used to. Now, we are doing our best to hold on to that faith as we thread into the darkness, into the unknown, into the abyss. 

I promised myself that I would blog about her ever since I got pregnant but somehow I never got the chance to. I now know why. She probably didn't want me to do it while we were together. Lilly probably wanted me to do it when she was gone because it would be more therapeutic for me and in a way, it would help me recover from her passing. It has been more than a week since she passed and I still cannot bring myself to write about her. Perhaps after her 40 days, I will be able to write everything about her. From the day I found out I was expecting until the day, I said goodbye to her. My heart continues to ache for her. I miss her terribly each day. But how can I ever see her again? There was no other way. I keep on talking to her each day, hoping that she would hear me and that she would visit me. It seems my life will forever be like a soap opera. I once thought, that was fine but now, I don't. The things I should have done or could have done continue to haunt me as I try to find myself in a better place after everything. Hopefully, one day, someday, I will be able to free myself from these feelings. If time can heal all wounds then definitely, God can too...

They say that the death of a child changes everything. So powerful is such an event that it can no longer bring you back to the way things were. Thus, I must learn to move forward and welcome a new life for if I don't, I just might have a life that won't be much of anything afterwards...