Life Is A Gift And Everyone Is Equal Regardless Of What You May See, Feel Or Think

Life - the great mystery. We all live interesting lives. Although we often deny it, we all have different things that make our lives different from everyone else. Some have complicated lives, others have theirs easy. While others continue to struggle to survive, others don't need to work hard to get food on their tables each day. Some say life is unfair because not all of us are the same. Some blame God because he said we were created equal but they see that this is not true only because all they see is the social status of people, the problems and everything else negative that goes along with their lives. To me, despite all the differences that we see in everyone, we are all created equal because in his eyes it does not matter if you are rich or poor, if you are disabled, special or normal, if you are a sinner or a saint. To him, we are all his children, God's children. 

When I gave birth to Lilly, I had to stay in the hospital for almost six days. During my stay there, I encountered different people each day. Although I do not know their names, I know their faces. When I was admitted to the hospital, I stayed in a ward. Inside one room, there were three patients including me. All patients had at least one companion to keep them company. I had my husband with me. The companions often have a hard time being in the ward as they have no beds to sleep on. Because I had a Cesarean  I could not move on my own yet which only made it more difficult for my husband as he had to take care of me a lot while in the hospital. I felt bad for him as he had to endure sleeping in a chair for many days which is why in the end, his back hurt a lot. During my stay in the hospital, I wasn't much of a talker. I wasn't exactly Ms. Congeniality. Most of the time, I was busy sleeping, praying or just recovering. I was coaxed to eat and was obliged to drink my medicine regularly. But despite all that, I did meet some people and had short conversations with them. If not, I have heard conversations with them by other people or by my husband or my mother. 

The patient on my right was a middle aged woman. She often had different companions with her. Sometimes her husband, her daughter or either of her two sons. She continued to use her cellular phone even while she was in her hospital bed with a dextrose hanging on top of her head. Obviously, she was a very busy woman. My mother asked why she was admitted there. Obviously, being a woman, she already knew why I was there which is why she did not ask anymore. She said that she worked for a big catering company called Josiah's. I have heard of it before and I know that it is a well known catering service especially for weddings. She said that one day, she just felt sick and felt a lump on her throat. She was worried so she decided to get it checked. Upon her check up to another hospital, the results were bad. She and her husband decided to get a second opinion which is why they were there in the same hospital as I was. After several days, she was discharged but was asked to come back to have more tests done as the result of her biopsy has said that the lump could be cancerous. The look on her face says that she couldn't believe it and wouldn't believe it. On the day she was discharged, we all told her that we hope that the lump is not cancerous. We know she still has a family who needs her after all. 

Meanwhile, the other patient to my left was more of a short time patient. She said she suddenly felt pain on her stomach which was unbearable. She had to be observed for 24 hours while tests were conducted on her. Luckily for her, it wasn't that serious. When both patients were gone, a new one arrived. We were told that he was waiting for his wife to deliver their child normally but like me, she ended up having an emergency C section. Prior to her delivery, her mother in law stayed in the room with me. I was alone at that time as my husband and my mother needed to go to my office to talk to my boss about some legal papers that I need for paying the hospital bills. This old lady was a talkative one and she was religious. Sadly, I didn't like her. She said that she had the gift of healing. She said it out proudly. In my opinion, I don't mind that she has it. All I am saying is that shouldn't she be more humble about it? For Jesus never boasted of his many powers to everyone. He was instead humble about it. He showed to everyone that he could do miracles but not because he wanted others to feel that he was better but because he wanted to perform them to help those in need. 

This old lady kept on blabbering about her church and that she was able to go to South Korea for free because of her gift of healing. She said that her son's wife was a Roman Catholic while she was a Christian. She did not question their union but she questioned their fate. She kept on saying that if his son and his wife would have been more religious then they never would have experienced the emergency C section that they were having now. When she asked about my religion, I simply told her I was a Roman Catholic but regardless of my religion, I have faith. I told her that a person cannot be saved by his/her religion which is of course, true. I know that I have a good relationship with the Lord and we have constantly prayed to him more when Lilly arrived. The next day, her daughter in law arrived in the room. That was my last day there. I visited Lilly in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) in order to give her some milk and to see her. Since I was still new to pumping milk, I needed help. One of the nurses who was also a mommy taught me how to do it. I thought it would be an awkward experience but in the end it wasn't. She was very kind to me. She even told me a bit about herself which was unexpected. 

Meanwhile, the other nurse who also took care of Lilly told me how I should take care of her when she's out of the hospital. Although now, I think those things are pointless because Lilly is gone, I still want to thank her for being so thoughtful. Different people, different faces, different lives. Although I can no longer remember the other people that I met while I was in the hospital, I know now that lives unfold each day. We all go through something in our lives. Whether they are good or bad, we all have them. For such things make our lives interesting. Such things make us grow and such things happen whether we like them or not. Although I never touched their lives, I know some of them did. It is sad that the hospital that I am thankful for for giving life to my Lilly and for saving me is also the same one that took her life away. I am not blaming the hospital or the people there. I know that they all did what they could for her. It is just that now, there are more depressing memories there than good ones. Life will always throw curve balls at us time and time again and sometimes we can't catch them to stop them, instead we have to learn to take hits. I have taken hits - a lot of them actually and even if I want to avoid them, I can't. I couldn't. God will always have reasons for everything. 

So although my life isn't exactly where I want it to be right now and things are not exactly perfect, I am glad that I am alive. Although I was not able to touch anyone's lives lately, I am hoping that one of these days I will. The recent deaths of my grandmother and daughter has taught me that death makes us value our lives more. Unfortunately, a friend said that this feeling fleets once we have decided to let go and heal. Although the pain of losing someone never goes away, the feeling that life is precious escapes us when in all honesty, death should be a reminder that life is important and should never be taken for granted. Which is why I am going to try to think of things differently and live life better than I used to. I know I will continue meeting different people and learning more about their lives. I will try not to envy them or try not to think that my life is better than theirs. For we are all equal, regardless if we see, feel or think that we are not. We are all alive after all which is why we should all be thankful for it. 

We All Deserve To Be Happy One Way Or Another

Yesterday was Palm Sunday. At the same time, it was Lilly's first month since she was born. Although she is no longer physically alive and with us, she continues to live on in our minds and most of all, in our hearts. My husband and I visited her tomb yesterday. Although we did not buy her fresh flowers, we decided to try to celebrate her supposed to be special day. We bought some cupcakes and some milk and chocolate drinks to share with each other as we spoke to her and prayed for her. We put the cupcake in front of her grave and poured some of the milk on her grave as well. We felt sad that it had to be this way. In all honesty, we didn't expect this and we didn't want things to be this way but it is what it is and there is nothing else we can do but accept it, no matter how hard it is to do so. March is ending soon and next weekend when we visit her, we will be telling her that my birthday is coming soon. April 1 will be my 28th birthday and I think it will be the saddest one so far. Losing a child isn't exactly one of the best things to happen to you and it is not something that you can just forget about like that. I feel torn about that feeling. I am hurting, obviously. I know most people would like to get rid of feeling pain and would just like to move on but somehow, I want to hang on to it. Call it emotional baggage if you want to but I can't just forget about that pain. For with that pain comes something important. With that pain comes all the joy that we had while Lilly was still alive. Would I be willing to give away all that just because I am hurting? No. So, here I am taking it as an adult and not complaining about it. I know I often talk about how painful things are but then again, I am not saying I want it to be taken away from me. It is something that will always be a part of me and it will never be taken away from me no matter what. 

Holy Week starts today. Most of the time, that signifies that my birthday is coming soon. This year, it seems I will be in mourning but so is everyone in my family. Most families tend to go on outings during this time but I don't think I am in the mood for that right now. My daughter just passed away. Such an event isn't exactly something to celebrate about. This Holy Week, we will continue to pray to God and speak with her. My husband and I don't need to speak her name to know that we are always reminded of her. Most of the time, just a deep or heavy sigh is enough for both of us to know that we are longing for Lilly. There are so many things that remind us of her. While outside yesterday, we saw an unusually large number of couples with babies and toddlers. There were strollers everywhere. We could hear children laughing, making noises and crying. Something that we miss from our little one as well. Her cry continues to echo in my ear. I have never heard her laughter. She was too young to laugh. She tried to smile but that was it. I could have wished she has done more with us but then I realized it will only be more painful that way. Painful not just for me, my husband and my family but as well as for her. Maybe if she lived longer with us, it would be harder for us to let go and it would be harder for us to accept her passing. Not saying that we are doing better with what happened now. Just saying that the more time we spend with her alive, the more memories we will have with her, which means the harder it will be for us to recover from the pain of losing her. 

While in church yesterday, I couldn't help but cry again as I prayed to God. The children around me were reminders of what I lost, what we lost and no matter how hard I try not to be emotional about it, I can't. Seeing children used to make me happy as I had hope that I would be able to do things with Lilly in the future too but after her passing, seeing children just made me sad. Maybe I will get over that feeling one day. Not now though. Going around in the department store yesterday, we saw a lot of beautiful clothes for little boys and girls. My husband and I couldn't help but sigh every now and then as the last time we were there, we were imagining how Lilly would look like if we bought her this and that. Now, there is no point in thinking that way. There is no point in buying her anything anymore. She is gone. The more that thought sunk in us, the more it hurt but we continue to try to smile because we know we have to move on somehow. Today, my younger sister saw my sad eyes. She knows of my loss and like me, she misses Lilly too. Although she would never understand the pain that we are going through as parents, she knows that losing someone that you love so much hurts and it is not something that you can just forget.

She asked me why I was sighing heavily. I told her that I am missing my daughter. She told me not to worry as one day, we will be given another. I told her that nothing is certain yet but I hope so. I am not exactly getting any younger. Soon, I will be pushing 30 and that is not exactly an ideal age to be pregnant and have babies. I am hoping that if I do get pregnant when I am 30, this time it will be a successful one. I want a baby that I can take care of. I want it to grow. I want it to be normal this time. I hope that is not too much to ask. She asked me again as she saw a tear fall down my cheeks. How would things be like if Lilly was alive? I told her, we would be complete and happy. She asked, what about if Lilly was not normal, would we still be happy and accept her? What about if she grew up that way? I told her, we would accept her regardless of her disability as we have accepted you. We will love her and be happy with her. We would take care of her even if she grew up that way. We were already prepared for the worst. My husband and I knew there was a chance Lilly won't be 100 percent normal but we wanted her to live. However, God had other plans. It was either he thought we were not ready and that we won't be able to take care of her well which hurt or he thought that Lilly would be hurting so he decided to just heal her by taking away her pain but in the process, taking her away from us as well. Either way, both were painful.

My sister's questions made me wonder. If you were a parent and you know that your child will have a disability once he/she was born, would you still be willing to let him/her live? If you let him/her live, should you be considered selfish because you thought about your happiness more than his/hers? If you let him/her go, should you be considered better parents because you did not let your child go through a painful growth? Conflicting questions which makes me question if we did the right thing or not. But somehow, I believe we did the right thing. We let her live and we let God decide her fate. Sadly, the ending was still tragic. We still lost her eventually. We only gave her a fighting chance. We will never know the real answers that we seek. After all, we are all different. Our decisions vary as well as our thoughts and emotions. Our opinions will clash and so will our circumstances. We always wish things were different. Morally, we know we did the right thing and yet, we still did not get what we wanted. I thought we would have a higher chance of getting what we pray for if we follow his word and his teachings but I guess, what we pray for isn't always what we get. This is probably one reason why other people decide to just live immorally and not to follow the word and teaching of God. I can't blame them and most of all, we can never force them. 

Is my life better now that I am closer to God? I cannot deny that at some point it is not. I cannot say that losing Lilly has made my life better but maybe he is trying to send a message. Maybe he is trying to teach us something. I am just hoping that next time things will be different. I hope that he won't use this method again to teach us something. I believe that he is not a God who smites those who believe in him. So, if this is his way of testing my faith in him then I don't think it is a good way of doing so. But at the end of the day, they say I should never give up and that I should continue to hang on to this blind faith. I may not know what he intends to do to me and to us but I should continue believing that there will always be something good waiting for me and for us at the end of it all. Patience is a virtue which I should have right now. I had it before but now, I am trying to practice it once again. Hopefully, I will have my happy ending soon. Do I deserve it? I hope so for everybody deserves to be happy, one way or another...

I won't give up. I deserve to be happy too. We all do. 

Fears, Anxiety, Miracles And The Lessons To Be Learned Through It All

I woke up with a heavy heart today. Last night as I slept next to my husband, I slept well but when I woke up with a pillow in between us, I realized that this was the same position we had when I was still pregnant with Lilly. I hoped that hugging him would make me feel okay but somehow it didn't remove the emptiness that I felt. I love him so much but I love our little angel too. Which is why I am longing for her each day. Each day, it is as if she continues to give us signs that she is just nearby. Her name is being mentioned everywhere. From one TV show to another, a magazine article, a brand name, something from the internet even to the point that we go outside, she shows us signs. I am glad she does that but at the same time, I feel lonelier. Lonelier because these signs might remind us of her to make us not forget about her but at the same time, they also remind us that she is no longer with us. The pain of losing her will forever be a part of me. I am scarred for life, I know that.

My mom bought a back issue of a certain magazine. It was dated May 2012. I read an article there about women who have encountered miscarriages. Some of them have even encountered multiple miscarriages. Although their children died unborn, the knowledge that they lost something that has been a part of them, no matter how long, is still painful. Reading about their stories made me realize that losing a child is one of the most painful experiences any person can have. In all my years, I have never imagined to experience something like this. Sure, I did not have a miscarriage and I got to see my child before she passed away but then again, just the same, Lilly is not here. At first, I thought that the pain of losing a child that has already been born is harder than losing an unborn child but now, I think both of them are the same. The thought of losing a child is unimaginable, the pain permanent. It changes you in more ways than one.

Miscarriages happen to everyone. I have heard so many sad stories about miscarriages while I was pregnant with Lilly. My husband was fearful for me at that time. I told him not to worry as I will not miscarry our child. I didn't but in the end, we still lost her. In the middle of my pregnancy, stories about parents losing their children got my attention. At that time, my husband and I were both fearful for our child. We made a promise that we would do everything for her to be alive. I honestly think we failed. I think we were not able to do that duty as parents. We did not fulfill that promise which is why we regret losing her so much. The pain is just unbearable even now. Because of Lilly's condition, I realized that my next child has a higher risk of having the same condition as her which is the sad truth of it all. Now, I am scared for my next child. That is if God will grant our wish to at least have one child. He/she might suffer the same fate. That is something that would not just break our hearts but would probably end many things as well. Hopefully, not our relationship.

I fear the worst. Maybe I am over thinking this. Maybe it is a bit too soon. Don't get me wrong. I want to have a baby. I don't mind going through all the pain even if I am scared of it. I don't mind the needles, the c section all over again, the stitches, the recovery time, the awful tasting medicine - all that doesn't matter to me. Right now, the only thing that matters is that if we would have another child, it would not suffer the same fate. We do not want to lose another child but then again, that is not something for us to decide. It isn't our choice. It never was and it never will. After Lilly died, I heard many people say that having her was not meant to be. That simple phrase made me sadder. Did we not deserve to have a child? Did Lilly not deserve to live? We then compared our situation with other people. We saw other people who had children, children who they didn't love and care for, children who they disregarded and even discarded, children who grew up not knowing what it was like to have real parents, children who became bad examples because they lacked proper guidance, children who were malnourished, children who suffered because of their parents and yet, they all survived. They were all alive. What for? 

We grew angry at some point. We couldn't help but question why those parents and their children were more important than us and our child. We began to question the purpose of things and the reason behind our child's sudden death. Although we knew of her condition, we knew that her chances were not really that slim. We were told that she was compatible with life and we were ready for the new chapter in our lives regardless of her not being normal but maybe God had other plans for us and for our daughter. Now, we still can't believe that she is gone. We want her here but we have finally come to terms to stop feeling angry. Although there are times when we still question why she had to be taken right away from us, we have finally decided to stop ourselves from thinking that way. We want to stay away from negativity after all. I know our child would want us to be happy and productive -- with or without her. We are still trying but we know it will be a long journey ahead before we can get back to our daily lives. 

Some say you never really get over a loss of someone dear. I agree with that. Although I know I will be able to move on and get back on track, after losing someone, things just will never be the same. I am scared of what the future would bring but at the same time I am excited about the changes that my life would bring. Although I know that right now, I am lost, my husband is too, we pray for guidance each day. We hope to see the plans that he has for us soon. During Lilly's wake, I saw many of our friends and relatives. They were there to support us in our time of grief but somehow after that, I felt like I wanted to get away from them all. No offense meant, I just didn't feel ready to be around other people yet. As April approaches, I know I will have to conquer this fear soon. Come our birthdays and Lilly's 40 days, I know we will be seeing them soon. Honestly, I don't know how to interact and to be around other people now. It was like I have forgotten to be social again. I feel like I just want to shut the world out. Hopefully, one of these days, I can get back to things soon somehow.

Fears and anxieties might continue to grip at me these days but hopefully, I will no longer feel like this. I don't want to live a life that is filled with these negative thoughts and feelings. I want to be rid of them, be free of them. Someday I know this will happen. I just need to continue to believe. Hopefully, a good support group will continue to show me that life is beautiful and that I should not think that it is over just because Lilly is gone. Somehow as I continue to pray for strength each day, I also continue to do the same for those around me. I am thankful that my husband continues to help me through this time of grieving. I know he needs me too. He said I am the only thing that is keeping him sane at the moment. We both long for Lilly but then again, our sadness and our tears will never bring her back. Nothing will. Pregnancy is a happy time for many women but then again, not for all of them. Happy endings happen but not to everyone. I wish my pregnancy had a fairy tale ending but I am hoping that one day if God will let me go through that stage again in my life, things will be different somehow.

They say that people who do not appreciate miracles are those who forget that they are miracles. I have never forgotten that. I believe in miracles. I was just heartbroken that the miracle that we asked for did not last. I know the miracle of life. I appreciate it everyday. I am a miracle because I was able to survive this long. Now, I know how hard it is to survive this long. How parents take care of their children in order to keep on growing and surviving to get old are miracles too. One day, we hope that we will experience these kinds of miracles too. We crave for it. We long for it. We wish for it. How long do we have to continue praying for it? I know God is not testing us with these challenges. Otherwise, until when? Until we can no longer bounce back? Until we finally give up? Maybe these things just happen because he wills them. He wills them because he knows we can surpass it. Sadly, sometimes what he wills isn't exactly what we want. We might disagree with them but we will definitely learn from them. I am changing. We are changing. We will continue to change because of this life lesson that God has given us. Someday, we continue to hope for a brighter day. A blessing and finally, the answer to our prayers will come and hopefully, when he does answer our prayers, this time, he won't just lend us the answer that we seek but finally, give it to us wholeheartedly...

Maybe our prayers for healing Lilly demanded a different kind of miracle. Although we wanted a different miracle which was her to be with us long, maybe God knew she was suffering while she lived and has decided to spare her of all that. The healing that he intended for her was this. We might not accept what happened to her but we now know that she is in a good place and is without pain. Our little angel was our temporary miracle. We just hope that one day when I am over these fears and anxieties and when I have changed and learned what I needed to learn, we will be given a more permanent miracle. Lord, please grant us another miracle of life and this time, please don't take that little miracle away from us. After all, we deserve happiness too...

Ask And You Shall Receive Isn't Happening For Me Right Now

Doubts -- we all have them. Questions -- we are always plagued by them. Sometimes I ask myself if I am a bad person in order to deserve what happened to me. But then again, I can't be the one to answer that. I know myself well. I know of the bad things I did in life. I know of the mistakes and the problems I have brought upon myself and other people. I am not exactly perfect. But who is? Have I done something that awful in order to deserve the death of my child? I hope not. I can't help go down memory lane. There are many things that I wish I didn't do and I wish I did. Now I wonder if things changed in the past, could things have changed in my present and my future? I can only wonder.

There are so many questions plaguing me these days. So many doubts still linger in my head. I wish I can remove them from my mind. Whenever I close my eyes, I see Lilly's face. Everything flashes before me. Everything about her makes me question and doubt things. I know reality but I still cannot accept the fact that she is really gone. Questioning God and asking him why she is gone is just pointless. I need to know exactly why but I can't know for sure. Acceptance -- I am far from that but somehow I am coping. Coping with the fact that she is in Heaven and is no longer hurting. Our little angel, that is what many people call her. Honestly, she has been our little angel even before she was born. 

Many people find completion in many things. For me, the completion of my existence was her. When she was conceived and when she was born, I felt like I have finally found a reason for living. When I met my husband, I felt that too. When she was taken away from us, I felt like there was a huge void inside of me that can never be filled and will always be empty. I know that if God will give us a chance to have another child in the future, that child would make us feel complete too but then again, that child will never replace what we lost. Our new child will surely be a new addition to our family but then again, our first child will forever be our first. We love her so much. 

They say I should stay away from negativity especially right now. This is why I am trying my best to feel positive and happy again. Right now, I am really thinking about how to reinvent my life. I want to be productive again but how do I find interest in things once more? The things that I used to love, I haven't forgotten but somehow I have lost interest in. I used to have so many plans, so many dreams, filled with hope, filled with happiness. Now, I don't know anymore. I find myself crying sometimes. I feel sad. Although I am already speaking now and trying to smile and laugh with my family, somehow, when I am alone again, I can't help but remember Lilly, miss her and cry. 

March is ending soon. As my birthday nears, so does her 40 days. I still can't believe that she is really gone. This year's April was supposed to be filled with happiness. April 1 - my birthday, April 13 was supposed to be Lilly's birthday which will now coincidentally be her 40th day and April 17 - being my husband's birthday. Now, it will be a mournful month. They say that because we already have an angel in heaven, it is easier to ask for many things. Honestly, I don't want many things. I just want her but because she is gone, we can't do anything about that. We will be thankful to whatever God will give to us. At this point, all we can ask for is guidance. 

I guess when life gives us lemons and we ask for oranges, we should be prepared for it. For life doesn't really give you exactly what you want. Sometimes it gives you something else. Which is why it is better to learn to accept more. Ask and you shall receive isn't exactly happening for me right now...Not to worry though as I still believe in God. He is the only thing that I can hang on to right now especially in these rough times. 

Life Goes On Somehow

"You are not the center of the world. It does not revolve around you. There are other things more important. There are other people who share the world with you. Just because you talk about you all the time doesn't mean you are the only thing that matters in this world. There are other things that do too." 
-- A thought bubble. Whose is it? Mine. 

I am dealing with the recent loss of my child which is why I post a lot of sad things about me lately. Writing here has made it somehow easier to deal with the pain. Although I know it will never be taken away by anything or anyone in this world, I still do it. Because just like many people who deal with hardship and negativity, I feel better afterwards. Most people would call it venting or ranting. In my case, I would call it as pouring my heart out and letting people in on how I truly feel so that they would understand me better. 

The social media has always been with me. From the start of my pregnancy with Lilly until the very end, it was there. I have shared almost everything I can and want to everyone without thinking about how others would feel if they saw them. I am genuinely happy and thankful for those who have been there all through out -- through the good times and the bad. My life is like an open book especially because I let people in on what my life is like. Now, I am thinking if I should have kept it to myself.

Somehow, I am torn. If I did keep everything to myself then it would be like I wasn't proud of the things that have happened to me regardless if they good or bad. If I kept everything to myself and the people around me, I would have privacy for sure but now that I have lost a part of my life, a part of myself, I don't want to be alone. I need, I crave the company of others, their kind words, just someone to talk to. Silence makes me feel sad all over again which only makes the tears continue to fall. Should I have kept everything myself? I guess not.

But now after what has happened to me, I have already gotten that company. I have already gotten those kind words. Yet, sadness still creeps in and tears still continue from falling. Maybe this is part of the coping process. Maybe this really happens. Now, I feel like my life is at a stand still. Unmoving, unchanging. Filled with bittersweet memories of Lilly still alive and then dying. My life has always been dramatic. At least, that is how I see it. Many people say it is better than mundane but honestly, in these trying times, I beg to disagree. 

Going online everyday and seeing how people's live change from one good thing to another or even a bad thing, I realized that we all go through these things. Some people are just luckier than others, I guess. I have lost a child and I was pregnant once but I know that there were other people from my friends who were pregnant too. When my child was born, I took pictures of her and posted them for all to see. I was proud of her and when she was taken away from me, I felt like the world was shattering before me. When my friends' babies were born, they did the same thing. Only they were luckier. I know they will be taking more pictures of their growing children soon while I and my husband try to recover and move on from our loss. Will we ever be given another child? I hope so. Hopefully, it will be healthier and it will not be taken away from us right away. 

Seeing the success of others, their good fortune, has somehow gotten to me. I know I shouldn't feel envious but sometimes I do. Why? Because they are luckier than me. But I am going to try to let this feeling go. Negativity will just continue eating at me and I know that life goes on. The world is round. I will have my break soon. I don't know when. I don't know how. But I know something like that will happen to me. After all, everyone gets their break. Everyone deserves it. God has a plan, that is what they always say. So for now, I pray for patience and clarity. I pray that the way be shown to us somehow as I do not know how we will be able to get through this storm.

The world does not revolve around me. At least, that I know. Even if time stops and my life doesn't keep on going right now, I know that time won't stop and will keep on going for other people out there. Although things are going well for others now, I know things will get better for me too. I just need to keep on believing and hoping that there will always be light at the end of darkness. For now, I am hanging on. Desperate that one day things will get better. I will brave this storm no matter how long it takes for I know I will find comfort in the thought that one day, there will be a better day. Moving on...I will get to that someday but for now, I will creep and slowly move at my pace. Hopefully, my speed won't matter when I reach my goal one day. Life is full of surprises after all. One day, I know I will be sharing better and happier stories to others. But for now, I need to stick to my sad stories in order to get to where I am supposed to go. 

Life goes on no matter what happens. I might not have the best in my life right now but that won't stop me from wanting to get it. Life will go on with or without good times. We just need to keep on holding on. I will try, this I know for I will continue wishing that my life will begin again. When will my life begin? Maybe it has begun already. I just thought time stopped and I am stuck in between different things. Wherever life will lead me, I know that it will go on, with or without me...

Falling Tears, Losing Someone Dear And Wishful Thinking

How do you stop the tears from falling when you have lost someone so dear to you? I have never promised that I would stop the tears from falling as I know it would be an impossible task. Even before Lilly, our daughter died, I cried. I cried because of happiness, sadness, worry and so many other things. I cried not just for myself but for other people as well. Most of my tears though have been devoted to our little one. Before she was born, we worried for her. The heartbreaking news about her condition rattled us to the core. It made me uncomfortable. It made me concerned. I was her mother after all. I was becoming a parent and like most parents, I care the most about my child. I was glad that behind all the tears, there were smiles and laughter otherwise, it would have been a sad pregnancy. 

Last night, I cried before going to sleep. I spoke to Lilly about mundane things. Things that have happened, things that I want her to know, things that should have happened and so much more. I spoke to her as if she was alive. I spoke to her as if she still had a future with us. I know such a thing does not make sense to people who have not lost anyone dear to them but to me, it does. Although my heart ached while I spoke her name, I poured my heart out to her. I prayed with my husband before that. I just couldn't help but speak to our daughter that way. I know we barely had memories together when she was born but I know we shared a lot while she was inside of me. She has shared my sadness, my happiness, my frustrations, everything. No one and nothing has ever shared that with me before. She and I shared a body. I might have been her vessel and she might have had her own little heart but we shared the same heartbeat. No one and nothing can ever take that away.

Lilly has been a dream, a dream that my husband and I wanted for so long. Today as I looked for other medicines to drink, I stumbled upon the ones that I used to drink when I was pregnant with her. I couldn't help but shake my head and cry. I immediately asked myself "Why?". I know there was nothing to ever answer that question no matter how many times different people do. I cried because of many reasons. The medicines reminded me of the time when I still had her with me which I know I can never go back to now. I took them when my baby was alive and was not yet in Heaven. The medicines were important to me to be healthy so that she would be too. My husband and I invested a lot of many things for Lilly and now that she is gone, we feel like everything has gone to waste. Seeing the things that I used to take when I was pregnant only made me ask what would happen to them. Then, I realized, there were other things that were going to be wasted as well. 

My swollen breasts were begging to be pumped out of me in order to be drank by a baby but the baby was no more. Lilly died in March 4 and even to this day, I still have milk that drips out of me. I cried when I realized that my milk would be useless. I felt like I was useless too. I was a mother without a child. A parent without a child to take care of. Although I had my husband and he had me, when our daughter died, we felt like a part of us died as well. We felt incomplete once more. Like a huge hole was punched inside of me, inside of us. It was a gap that can never be filled, a gap that could never heal. They say time is a great healer and that prayers can help make things better. We pray everyday. We hope that time would be a great healer too but we also know that the pain of losing Lilly will never go away. It will never leave us. It will be with us forever, no matter how our lives change in the future. The material things that she left behind don't really matter much for they can be used by another. The people that she left behind...what would happen to them? What would happen to us? That is a question that even to this day, I ask myself everyday. I ask God as well.

We were told to move on, move forward and start over. We know what we have to do. It is just easier said than done. I know we are both healing now and that our little Lilly is watching over us for she is one of God's little angels now. We don't want her to see us sad but how can we stop feeling so when we miss someone so dear to us? I say sorry whenever I shed tears for her. I tell her it is because I miss her and I love her. I tell her she will be with us forever. She might not understand that. For I still have not come to terms to understanding why she had to go but then again, I think of her happiness and her pain which only make me feel like I should let go. Parents are never selfish and even when they are, they change. At least, that is how I see parenthood. I don't know how others do. 

Losing Lilly was hard and painful but we know that God has a message for us. We might not know it now but someday, we hope we do. We might not know his plans as we do not see the bigger picture but he always has a greater purpose, a greater scheme in store for everyone. He might have taken her so soon but perhaps it was really her time to go. No matter how painful it might be to lose a child, I know that God did not want this for us. I don't believe that it was meant to be. It just happened because it had to. I don't believe that when Lilly was conceived, God already wanted her to join him in Heaven. But somehow now I wonder. During the last months of my pregnancy, perhaps God already knew what would happen to her and to us. Which is why he decided that I should bring her to this world. Lilly might have been a fighter when she was born but it was only because she wanted to see the people who made her. She probably just wanted to see me, her dad and the other people who love her before she can finally become an angel. She wanted to thank everyone before she passed away. She wanted to know the people who she will be taking care of for the rest of her life in Heaven. This is why she lasted for nine days on Earth. That is how I see it now. 

She was never meant to undergo surgery. She was never meant to go home with us. Lilly was never meant to be with us for long. She just wanted us to feel happy, happy to see her alive. She was already in pain from the beginning but she endured it for us. How brave of her. How selfless of her. She truly is our little miracle, our little inspiration. Lilly knew she wouldn't be able to survive long which is why she made every single day count. She might have brought us tears but she also bought us happiness. I wouldn't trade the pain that I have now for anything material in this world. Although I admit that I would trade it to have her back with us. Unfortunately, I know there is no such thing. If only I could turn back time, I would go back to the last day I saw her alive. I would stay with her the whole day and do my best to make her feel loved some more. I would bring my husband with me and beg the nurses to let him hold her even just for a while. That way we wouldn't feel regret.

If I found a magic lamp with a genie inside and I would be given three wishes, the first one would involve Lilly. I know that I am not supposed to wish to bring back someone from the dead but I would wish it differently. I would wish to go back in time. I would wish to go back to the start of 2012 and from there start a healthier lifestyle. I would do my best to not work outside my home and tell my husband to work harder. That way both of us would be more prepared for our child. I know I would have to go through pregnancy again which was both a pain and a joy, a blessing and a curse. I would go through all that again. I would change things to give Lilly a change to get better with high hopes that I would be able to give birth to her normally. That would be the first wish. The second wish would not be for me but for my younger sister to get better. The third wish I have not thought of yet. But then again, this is all wishful thinking. 

Tears - they can never be avoided especially when you are a person grieving for someone you love. I used to think that it was impossible to cry over someone for a long time but now, I know that pain. The pain of losing a child is not just heartbreaking, it also changes many things. I know that losing Lilly has changed me in many ways. My points of view of many things has become more serious and now, I have become more calculated, more cautious even. My fears have doubled and somehow I have become more paranoid. Maybe this is what growing up feels like. I didn't want to grow up this way but now that there is so much pain around me, I feel like I have to do this. I used to love silence and even crave it. Now, it is just deafening to me. I don't mind hearing Lilly's cries around me or even her laughter but definitely not silence. Maybe I just miss her so much or I am just becoming mad but at the end of the day, she is gone and there is nothing that can ever bring her back to me, to us. I know my tears, our tears can never bring her back but somehow they help wash away the sadness even if it is just for a short while. 

The truth behind losing someone that you love. Lilly might not longer be with us but she will always be in our minds and she will forever be in our hearts. We continue to miss her each day. How we wish we knew how to stop feeling this pain but we know that this pain should only be changed into acceptance. She is happier now. Despite the fact that it means that she won't be with us, we should learn to find happiness in the thought that she is no longer in pain and is no longer suffering with the Lord. Heaven has found itself another angel and that is no other than our little girl. We love you, Lilly, forever and ever...