When Knowing Too Much Gets Boring...

Don't you just hate it when you can predict what will happen next? No, I didn't mean looking into the future and actually foretelling what happens next, I just meant if things or people become  predictable and easy to read. But then again just like what they always say, it is better to  know something  than to know nothing.  So I guess predictability isn't  so bad after all since I am not a huge fan of the whole ignorance is bliss belief. 


Just recently, I asked someone certain questions that I already knew the answers to. I just wanted to test him if he would lie  to me  or not.  Apparently, out of the 5 questions I asked, he lied 3  times and  only  answered truthfully  twice. It bothers me that he did not even flinch even if he knew that I have a knack for these things. I can totally relate to other people who have been lied to before and have just pretended to be fools  all along. It was a disappointing experiment but definitely  a learning one.


Being predictable is boring as  what most  people say since there is no chance for surprises or sudden turn arounds in the course of events. Its like seeing a movie and actually knowing the dialogues and what will happen next but I can't  give that as a personal example  since I am fond of  watching  movies over and over again when I like them a lot and even memorizing the lines. Just saying, we need a little bit of  mysterious factor in everything and anything apart  from little  doses  (if not  huge doses) of spontaneity  for what is life without all of them?

Ever done such an experiment before?  Try it! You will get results alright but I don't know if you will end up being happy about it in the end. Results vary on actual subjects to the experimentation process.

Do You Know How To Speak Sarcasm? No? Well, I do!

So I guess you aren't having a good day and here you are being confronted by so many things that are just wrong in so many levels, how will you deal with all  the stress? There are many ways of how you can deal with such things however instead of  going with positivity other people choose to go the other way.   Yes, that's right, they end up being  bitchy about it. Even men can become bitchy and I know this for a fact. They just aren't  called bitchy when they do since such a term is more directed for women. But how can you turn bitchy without actually becoming too offensive? Have no clue?  Well, ever heard of sarcasm? That's right! People of all walks of life have used it but not all  of them are good in it or not all of them can actually understand what it means. 


To me, sarcasm  has two purposes.  One to be funny and two, to be ironic. The key to being good in sarcasm is proper timing. Just like giving out a good joke, it needs to have a proper  punchline first. I can't be sarcastic if there is nothing to be sarcastic about. I mean come on that is just common sense. Sometimes though some people just don't get what you mean when you try to be sarcastic to them. It can either be a blessing or a curse. Why?  A blessing if you are trying to be funny  and a curse if you are trying to  be ironic and stating a point. Sarcasm may sound cool and funny but it is not for everyone. Before you ever try using it to anyone, learn first so that at least it wouldn't be  entirely offensive (not unless that is your whole point of being sarcastic).

What's Up With All This Hate?

Just a thought. Facebook is a social networking site. It is a place where people can freely socialize and share their thoughts and feelings through their status updates or comments regardless if they are considered senseless, boring or simply irrelevant. Everybody's walls have different things in them,  photos, videos and so on. We are all connected here so whatever I put out can be read by almost everyone depending on the privacy settings I have chosen. Unfortunately, not all people can or will be fond of what you put on your wall so I guess it is always better to be a  responsible social network user. In my case, I just think that those who do not like what I put out here can say it to me directly rather than blatantly bashing or even indirectly  speaking of what I have posted on their walls. Other than that they can always either unfriend me or unsubscribe to me so that they won't be seeing my posts here anymore. Fact is that this is  my  private wall and whatever happens here is totally my doing and my responsibility.  Nobody has the right to tell you that you need to change something just because it displeases them. That's just bull! 


Just like most of the people who use this website, I am into this because it is my way of communicating with people since most of the time I cannot go out and actually interact with most of  them.  Facebook has helped me find a way to keep in touch with the people that I haven't seen for a long time  and have made  me rekindle friendships that have long been forgotten. Now even contacting my friends and relatives that are so far away has been made possible through walls and private messages aside from the obvious chatboxes. Aside from that, the games in the said website have been rather entertaining although time consuming and totally addicting  but it helps  pass the time somehow when you need it. I guess Facebook is the ultimate social networking site of our day  but apparently along with all this positivity comes a whole lot of negativity. Lately, I have been observing the posts that my friends have been logging on their accounts. Although I have been negative many times in the past, I have somehow found a way to just post positive things on FB to make  me  feel better and also to inspire others. It worked out for me but apparently for others it hasn't. I often ask myself and all the other people I know: "What's with all this hate?" FB is becoming a place to dumb all our anxieties, frustrations and at the same time bad energy. I  honestly don't like that when I log on to the website and unfortunately, nobody would consider coming back to such a site if people will just end up  being more  stressed while  browsing it.  I mean come on people!


Dumping hate in such a place only  creates more negativity and of course more hate.  I have recently encountered two incidences wherein I have been "I don't know if they meant it or  not but"  I have been an easy target to this negativity. I  am known for almost  always updating my Facebook status and let's face it,  it has become such an overwhelming trend. But unlike  other people  who post just about everything that they do in their status messages, I also sometimes  put things that I have learned or realized in mine.  In short, you won't be seeing my schedule for the whole day in my wall. But even if I am not like that, I do not ridicule the people who do it for they are free to share whatever they want. I can always just turn a blind eye to them if I want to rather than try to butt heads with them and say bad things about them online. That's just immature and something a disrespectful person would do. Point is respect  begets respect but unfortunately even if I do not do bad things to others, others still do them unto to me which is heart breaking really. Just when I thought people  can act like the civilized animals  that we brag about that we are. Seeing and experiencing all these things  just makes me wonder if sharing whatever it is within  you is actually worth it. Maybe it isn't but the fact remains that when I do so, I somehow feel lighter. Facebook has become like a close  confidante to me who will always put up with everything that I have to say.   


The sad part is that some people  are just classic bullies. I know this for a  fact since I have experienced being bullied when I was younger. In just within two weeks, two people have incorporated my status messages on to their wall posts and even if they did not actually say my name as they tried to make a point of either ridiculing or badmouthing what I have done, written nor said, the fact remains that they cannot say that it is only a coincidence as to why my post was linked to theirs. There are so many people  that use this website that the only time a lot of people end up having identical posts is when there is a national holiday/event, a global issue or perhaps a chain message post and then there is that slim chance that other people are experiencing almost the same thing that you are experiencing but the chances of them posting an identical thing online is just slim. With that being said, I do not think they can give an alibi that it wasn't  meant for me but for someone else. I do not understand as to why they are attacking me for no reason at all. It was not like I said something bad about them. I was merely minding my own business and posting about something not related to anyone other than myself. What is happening to the world and to the people that live in it? Whatever happened to rising above the hate and just embracing peace and love? Facebook is turning into Hatebook and if we continue to do nothing about this then nothing is going to change. The situation will just continue  getting worse and that my friends is what already happening in the outside world. Why should we let such a thing happen even in cyber space?


I cannot say that I am a model social networking site user but at least I have the decency somehow to not pick on someone who hasn't been doing anything bad to anyone. If we truly are free then we shouldn't be judged or we shouldn't pushed to conform with whatever everybody thinks is cool.  So what if this is how I things on my wall?  You have your own wall. Why don't you mind yours?  Seriously for all the haters  out there, I don't know what's  your deal but you can all sod off and mind your own business. I am just pissed right now that people have the audacity to do something like this. So, cyber bullying is real and here I am fighting it. I am taking my stand against such a crime and I am making sure that such a thing won't happen to anyone else ever again. If you are a victim of cyber bullying, learn to get away from the cycle of negativity.  Fighting fire with fire only makes it worse so learn to diffuse it with positivity. I am no longer going to confront people who I know would just end up denying the fact of what they did to me and God knows if they are still doing it to me but at least my conscience is clear.  In the greater scheme of things, if I do not do anything bad against them then they will end up being the losers because I just showed them what a better person I am. Make  sure to be proud enough to show them that and hopefully when they realize that they are fools  to have picked on you, it will finally be like a solid slap in their faces or perhaps like a pail of icy cold water being splashed on their faces. I can be a bitch too if I choose to be but I only  choose to be when it matters and when I need to be.  Always remember to not stoop down to those who are not of your level. "Nuff Said.

I wish people would just let others be. Its not like anybody is picking on them for who they are and what they post online. I guess some  people  have way too much time in their hands that they feel the need to mind other people's businesses, status updates and even online posts. Get a life or better yet get a job! Get something else to keep you busy instead of focusing all your energy on something that you have no right working on in the first place. Sheesh!

I was never typical but so what?

I don't understand why I can't be like other girls or women around me. I guess I am different. I have always been. Growing up, I didn't feel like a girl at all. I was a tomboy, plain and simple. I preferred legos and guns over barbie dolls and make believe make up sets. I always liked dressing in rugged but comfortable shorts and pants rather than in frilly skirts and lacey dresses. I never did like putting lotion on my skin or putting lip gloss on my chapped lips. Funny how even if I know I wasn't acting like most girls, I still kept my hair long. I liked it when my hair had different ponytails or clips or better yet when I had to sport different hairstyles. Apparently though being different isn't always a good thing. Growing up, I never really realized that being what I was would cause me trouble in the future. In my younger years, I didn't mind playing with boys in our neighborhood or even in school. I remember playing the games that they used to play. I was happy and innocent back then. 


I started playing with dolls when I was already about 10 and it was also the time when I realized how different I was. Most of my female classmates would make fun of me for being too close to my male classmates. They would tease me that I acted more masculine than feminine and that I wore shorts that looked like a boy's under my school uniform. They made rumors of me being a slut even if I didn't even know what that was then. I was shocked to find out all these things. What is even more shocking is that the person that told me about it is someone who isn't even close to me. She was a lot older to me and being the new girl in school, truly was difficult. My life changed and it was a harsh wake-up call. When I found out all the things that was said about me, I grew angry of myself. I felt like I should belong somehow but how? Naturally, I had to make friends but even that wasn't easy. 


As you know, there were mean girls in my school, who apparently had standards about people becoming their friends. I didn't have any so I decided to aim high. I wanted to become a part of their group. Talk about being ambitious. I did everything they asked me to do for them apart from the hanging out with them bit. I bought food for them, waited in line for them, tried to do their homeworks and their projects too. That was foolish of me. I never knew that I was already being used. In the end, I never really got into their group of friends. They said that I wasn't girly enough to be a part of it. That enraged me but it was also the time when I realized that I should embrace what I truly am. I found friends later on that eventually became real friendships. Athough I never really experienced being in an all girl group of friends before. I never knew what it was like to be 100 percent girly. 


As I became an adult, I did have a group of girl friends but apparently, I guess it was too late for me to reform my ways. My group of girl friends, didn't go to a salon to get our hair done or to get our nails painted, instead we went to the arcade to play some games or we went to the court to shoot some hoops. We never went shopping together, instead we went ghost hunting together. The clothes that we wore weren't fashionable and they definitely did not make us look feminine at all. Somehow when I think about it now, I realize that maybe my life would have been different if I became different. I don't really know how my life would have turned out but I believe it would have been classier and a lot posher than what I have now. But there is no use thinking about that now as it is already a bit too late for it.


I guess no matter how I try to change what I really am, I can never do so. Besides, why should I? If there is one thing that I have learned in the 26 years of my life, it is the fact that you can never please everybody and that being normal if overrated. Being just yourself is the way to go if you want to get the true happiness that you seek in this life and if you change, change because you want it for yourself not because other people want it for you. Nobody can dictate what you should be and shouldn't be in this life. You may be strange, you may be different to them but that is only because you are special. If only I knew that back then, then maybe I would have become a happier person. I just hope that more people will learn of this lesson sooner than I did. As my everlasting motto goes: "I am what I am and not what others say I am". Somehow I have to be content with who and what I am now even if this is not what others believe I should be.

So what if you aren't like anybody else? 

 Only a few people dare to be different. Why not be one too?

At the end of the day, that is the most important thing of all.

Never regret anything about you even if you know that you are different. You are different because that is what makes you unique and because being original is all about being just you.

Lost Again Naturally

There are days when I don't feel like myself. It's like I am in a life and in a body that is constantly changing and I have no control over both of them. Maybe I really am like other women. I always want to be in control of something and it gets really horrible when even something that includes you cannot be manipulated by you. I don't want to be in this kind of situation. Lately, there have been so many changes in my life and as I constantly adapt to it, I realize how different it is from my life in the past. No, I am not complaining but after almost a year of living it, I feel like I miss some parts of my old life. Married life is okay. I am happy with it but I have to admit that there are parts of my life now that I do not wish to be a part of. I don't think it is necessary for me to indicate them all here. Apart from that, ever since I got married, we decided to make sacrifices. Mostly were mine to begin with. Not working in an office has been a huge sacrifice for me as for the past 5 years, I have been working in an office and earning more than what I do now. 


Don't get me wrong, working at home is good since I can still do other things at the same time. Unfortunately, I am not earning more than I should and most of all, I am not stepping up to use my capabilities to the fullest. Right now, because of all the changes, I just feel depressed. Maybe that is the reason as to why no matter how hard I torture myself to work out everyday, I don't lose weight. Maybe I need to be busier with my life. Maybe I need to get back to working my ass off in an office. Maybe I need to be stressed again in order to be happier with myself. Maybe I don't need to torture myself to lose weight. I don't know what I feel now. I'm just confused lately. My self esteem is low and whenever I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is a fat blob walking around the house. It gets more horrifying when I tried on all the pants that I had in my closet. Shockingly, almost all of them do not fit me anymore. If not that, some of them are so old that they easily get ripped off already. I was pissed. This only means I have to replace my wardrobe before I go back to working in an office again and fast.


Buying a new pair of pants was my obective today. Just like what most females  would say: There is nothing better than a little shopping therapy. I don't think that works out for me but this time around, I think it did. Somehow having pants that fit me, made me smile. Luckily for me, there was a sale in a mall that I went to today which made me buy two pairs of new jeans. I know that solved my wardrobe problem but of course, it will just be a temporary fix when it comes to me and my self confidence. I badly need to be out. That is the only thing that I have in my head now. I need to get back to an actual working environment and not just my home. I need to be able to communicate with other people outside my home. People, who can and might be able to give me more interesting and intellectual conversations with, not just talking about the latest gossip or the latest problems that they have. I want to feel the thrill of promotion once again. I want to feel challenges. Maybe after being immersed in such situations, I will be able to pick myself up and feel not so gloomy anymore. 


Staying at home makes me different in many ways. Sure, I want to be the doting wife but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be doing other things with my spare time. By that I mean productive things that can help me earn more. Maybe if I earn more, I will be more confident with myself and my abilities again. Now, I feel like I have gotten rusty. Like a blade that hasn't been used for long, I feel the need to be sharpened yet again. I'm dull now. I just don't show it. Being this way only makes me more emotional and when that happens, I get to think about my other problems. One of which is the fact that I have been married for nearly a year now and yet, we still have not been successful in having a baby yet. Being scared of going to the doctor might be one reason as to why we do not know the reason yet as to why this is happening but I guess we should both conquer our fears soon. The unknown can be scary and when it comes to serious matters like this one, it might be difficult to know the truth. 


I don't want to be worried all the time. I don't want to be an emotional wreck. I don't want to be plain and dull. I miss how exciting I was. My life and my appearance may have changed but I am hoping that in time, I can go back to the fragments of my past for I believe that sometimes going back is still the best thing to do in these cases. I don't want to be useless. I want to be more useful now than I was before. I want to show myself and the world that I can still be what I used to be no matter what happens. With high hopes, I will be able to conquer these negative vibes soon. I just wish I can move on more quickly than I expect things to be for I can never move forward if I continue to think too much or if there are things that I should consider first as hindrances to success that awaits me. Hopefully, God will be able to guide me through this ordeal. Now, I wonder, is this a stage where soul searching comes in? Who knows what that truly is really? And if there truly is such a process, what are the steps to it and what do people expect to get from it? I guess for now, the first thing that I need to find is inner peace and unfortunately, I only have half of it. Will get back to you when I find the rest of it and all the other good parts connected to it.

I guess it is no surprise that I am lost again. Sometimes I find myself in a place where everything is moving too fast and I am moving too slow. I cannot cope with everything so quickly. Maybe I am not meant for that. All I know is right now, I feel the need to look for myself again as I feel like I have lost my way. Where is person that used to be me? I don't know really but I am not am empty shell living aimlessly at the moment. A part of me has just gone missing and if I ever want to feel whole again, I need to find it. I don't know when or where but I know I will get it back somehow. All I need is time...

My Poetry: The Night That Was

In the pale moonlight, there it waits in the mist
An old house that sits by the lake
A mournful cry is heard in the midst
At the air starts to get gloomy and thick
I could feel sadness all around


The smell was death was everywhere
It was mixed with the stench of a decaying corpse somwhere
Its foul smell I could sense by the door 
As I slowly moved to the window to see what was there
I saw a dark figured that wailed and moaned


As the candle's light flickered
The dark figure showed its face
It was an old woman, dressed in black and lace
Her dark eyes were swollen while her voice was coarse from screaming
She looked hollow and cold inside


Her cries sounded like a thousand tortured souls 
As tears poured down her cheeks, she looked cold and still
Then I see another figure before her, lying down on the floor
It was the corpse that I was looking for
I could see it starting to deteriorate from the core


She held this rotten flesh as she caressed it lovingly
She held it close to her chest, where her heart beats slowly
Her gaze focused on the unidentifiable corpse
I backed away from the window when I saw her remorse
She must have been close to him otherwise, she wouldn't be this distraught


As I left the scene, I let out a sigh
I couldn't bear the loneliness, as a tear fell from my eyes
My heart was moved as it was saddened
What I had seen tonight was a dreadful sight
Terror griped me but even misery engulfed me


I shook my head and walked away
Never looking back, never stopping by
As the wind blew on my face, I heard her again
I hurriedly left without even saying goodbye
I was a changed person after that night