2015: Typical Expectations, Unlikely Observations

The New Year ushers a new beginning for everyone. As a year ends, it also feels like it ends one chapter in a person's life. Since the New Year is all about new beginnings, I have come to realize that it does not matter who you are and what you are. At some point, we all want the same things. Looking at the posts of many, if not all, of my friends on their social media accounts, I constantly see their wishes for 2015. Comparing them, I noticed the similarities. The obvious wishes include the following: To get rich or to be richer, to the loveless, to find a partner, for career and goal-oriented people, it is to get promoted, for the capricious, to be able to buy new gadgets, a car, a house or others things which will make them happy, for married couples who have been trying to conceive, their wish is to have a child,  for those who have gained weight or are already plus size, to lose weight, for those who have vices or bad habits, wishing to be rid of them or to at least be able to resist them and lastly, the most obvious and less selfish of all wishes to have good health. We all wish for so many things. Call them New Year's Resolutions if you wish however, they are still expectations, no matter how you look at them.

Wishes which are not commonly uttered by many include: World Peace. It might be something that most beauty pageant contestants say but in reality, it is not exactly easily attainable. No matter how we try to achieve it, there can only be a period of peace and it does not last forever. There should be a balance after all and a little chaos mixed to peace is healthy. A cure for deadly disease. Developing one is not easy. Although many say there are already cures readily available to all of us, I believe we should not believe in tall stories. Wishing for the medical field to actually get serious with this and look for cures could take years, even decades, to actually be successful. But that does not mean we should not wish them. Most wishes for the New Year are made for us, not for others. We rarely wish for other people. Sometimes even never.

If I am going to be asked how I want my 2015 to be, I would say I don't know. I want so many things, true. However, I also know that reality has other plans and that God will lead us where he wants us to. I would probably wish for our businesses (if not all) will succeed. I am sure that everyone in our family would benefit from this wish. For this year, my husband and I are business and career-oriented thus, the said wish. But we also wish for good health and more patience. Despite the fact that many people around us constantly bug us to include in our priorities having a child, we just don't see that happening this year. This is our way of not being selfish. Our way of thinking how we are going to make him/her have a good life. But then again, there will always be people saying that there are so many poor people who cannot afford to feed themselves who have children every year. I am saddened that we are being compared to that when all we want is for the good of our future child. We always tell everyone that we will have one in God's perfect time but I guess even that simple answer is not enough to sate them any longer.

2015 has not started yet but just like everyone, I would like to welcome it with positive vibes. I know it won't be a perfect year (not like there is ever one) but I hope and pray that this year will be kind to me. I am used to riding the roller coaster of life after all so why is this year going to be any different? Why bother sharing your New Year's Resolutions when you will just be using the same one every year? Why can't we just keep on moving forward, hope and pray for the best and at the same time, work hard to get whatever goal we would like to get in the end? Everybody expects something from their 2015. I just hope that they are not just prepared for the good things but as well as the bad things that might come hand in hand this year. Sorry to burst your bubble but there is no magic. No fairy tale happy endings. Be grateful. Be happy no matter what 2015 has in store for you.

2013 was a year filled with sadness when we lost our dear Lilly but it was also a time for a change when we decided to pursue our passion - food. 2014 was a year or many new beginnings and challenges. As we end this year, we all hope and pray that 2015 be a more beneficial year for all of us, no matter what it brings us. Good or bad, we will be fine. Bring it on, 2015!

Who Needs Someone...?

I have often wondered if human beings can ever live alone. I think we can. However, it is better not to. But some people still choose to live alone, distant from others, because they want to. To them, there are more benefits to being alone than from being with someone. Come to think of it, I guess the common benefits include not having to worry about anybody else, one gets to do everything he/she wants without considering others and just be comfortable to be one's self. But loneliness will always be a constant struggle. Overcoming loneliness is never easy. Which is why any succumb to taking their own lives. Suicide or even attempted suicide commonly happens to people who are alone and because they have detached themselves to the outside world, nobody will ever know they are gone until it is already too late. They must live hard lives but who am I to judge them? 

I am someone who can exist with someone or with no one. Sometimes I enjoy the company of others while I also treasure my time alone. I cannot live without either. When I was younger, I used to believe in destiny and soul mates. I used to think that there is one person fated for everyone. Some just find them earlier than others. But as I got older, I realized that being alone is a choice. It is pretty much just like happiness. I am not alone. I have a husband, a family, friends and other loved ones. But sometimes I feel either smothered when I get too much love while I feel troubled when I do not get enough. It is complicated. 

Although I am already married, I have to admit that my life is not fairy tale. It is not perfect. I am not a Disney princess and I did not marry Prince Charming. I do not live in an enchanted land or in a magical castle. I do not have a wicked stepmother or glass slippers. Sometimes I even wonder if this is the life for me or if I made the right choice. Nobody's perfect. We all make mistakes. But somehow at the end of the day, I know I have made some of them right. My husband and I sometimes have arguments and misunderstandings but at the end of the day, we try our best to be okay again. It is hard to sleep with bad feelings toward each other. But that's us. I wonder how other couples are. 

Honestly, I pity those who have partners who couldn't care less. Having arguments and misunderstandings are normal but dealing with them and making peace takes a lot of hard work and patience. If no one among the two are willing to try harder, to lower their pride and to be the grown-up then nothing will ever come out of it. Arguments and misunderstandings can lead to stress. They can lead to anger, frustration, loneliness and even regret. Why would anybody need someone who would never understand them? Trying to understand someone is okay since there is still effort involved. Putting effort in something or in someone means you are investing a part of yourself and your time for that person.

Who needs someone? Some, if not, most, do. However, be ready for that someone because not everyone's lucky enough to get who and what they wish for. Accepting who and what you will receive wholeheartedly is never easy but one needs to try. Your happiness is up to you. You will never get it if you don't do anything about it. So, if you end up getting someone who only gives you loneliness then what is the point of staying with him/her? You can always keep on trying but what happens when you get fed up and you are pushed to the breaking point? Will you still need that someone then? Finding a partner forever is no easy task so choose wisely. Maybe we all need someone. Regardless if it is for love, for friendship or for employment. After all, no man is an island but who knows?

Christmas: To Love And To Loathe

Ah, the holiday season! To most people, it is a good time to reunite with their family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances however, to some it isn't. The holiday season is a time to be merry, to eat delicious food, to exchange gifts and to drink a lot of booze but it is also a time to remember what Christmas truly is about. These days, Christmas is too commercialized to everyone. Whenever you ask someone about what matters to them every Christmas or what do they remember about Christmas, they say gifts, decorations, reunions, parties and food. Many people who should believe in Christ no longer celebrate this day as a celebration of the day of his birth but rather just a time to be with their loved ones. In fact, more people nowadays believe in Santa Claus on Christmas Day. It is a sad reality that we all must realize sooner or later.

There are many things which I both like and dislike about the holiday season. Sure, I enjoy seeing my relatives whom I have not seen in a long time or even my friends or people I used to be associated with however, I am not so keen on being with them for so long as that is when things start to go ugly. I remember the different phases of questions I had to endure answering and reacting to in various holiday seasons. When I was in high school, I used to get asked when I would get a boyfriend. It was easy to avoid those questions then as I would simply blush and I said that the thought has not crossed my mind yet. Meanwhile, when I finally had a steady boyfriend and we have been together for so long, we would often get asked when will the wedding be. It was awkward as we were not thinking of getting married yet during those years and when we finally wanted to get married, we did not wait for Christmas last 2010 to get it done. I thought we would not be asked any more questions any holiday season soon. Unfortunately, I was dead wrong as the next year, we kept on hearing the question when will be having children. Honestly, it was frustrating. So when we finally had the chance to have a child, we were ecstatic. Everybody were. But then God gave her wings only after a week of being born last February 2013 and we were back to being just the two of us. 2013 was a painful year without her and being asked how she died was not exactly our favorite question to answer but we got to the acceptance stage eventually. Which now brings us to Christmas 2014. After almost two years of our sweet Lilly's passing, we are now feeling the pressure once more as we again hear questions about when we will be bearing another child in this world. Seeing so many of our relatives pregnant and having little ones does not ease that pressure, it only builds it even more. How I wish it would be easier next year. It is hard to be caught on the spot, in the hot seat especially when all our answers do not seem valid to most people. If only bearing a child was that easy...If only they would understand...

I love eating good food during holidays. Although I know it is a pain to plan the menu, to shop for ingredients and most of all, to cook them all, at least, I can smile at the end of the day knowing that I have done all of them with love. I am not fond of the cleaning but it comes with the cooking so thus, inevitable. I am not anti-social. I just don't like to socialize too much. I guess I have a limit for these things which is why sometimes I tend to disappear in a room full of people. I always find a place to hide in case I feel the need to be absent and just be with me, myself and I. I love gift giving but I am not fond of shopping for gifts. I do enjoy wrapping gifts. I am just not fond of the trash the wrappers create. I don't like drama on holidays and most of the time, drama comes in many different shapes and forms. Mostly, they come from our loved ones who even if we know have dramatic lives and are somehow annoyed by their stories, we still end up listening, sympathizing, helping or even giving sound advice. So you see, these are the reasons why I both love and hate the holidays. Traffic is already a given so I did not add that here but maybe I am not the only one who thinks this way. Maybe there are also other people like me out there. So, while I wait for the clock to strike midnight, here I am writing all these to you and hoping that your Christmas Day will still be a good one regardless of all the things that you love and hate on Christmas Day. 

My Love And Hate Relationship With My Braces

Me and my husband smiling with our braces on.

Braces, Extractions, Jackets, Retainers, Crowns, Monthly Cleaning, Teeth Whitening and the like. All of these might sound simple enough but to some people, they are considered frightening. A dentist's job is never easy and sometimes no matter how hard they try to be nice and gentle to their patients, they just end up not going back for their next appointments which of course disappoints them. I admit that I used to be one of them.

But why did I fear going to the dentist? Thinking about it now, I guess the only reason I can come up with is the fact that they have scary looking tools and that the idea of sitting in a dental chair seems like you are sitting in a torture device while the dentist continues to probe your mouth. I am sure this all sounds silly especially to adults but some people might have thought the same way I did. However, some people fear dentists because of their past experiences with some bad ones. Example: having the wrong tooth extracted or the anaesthesia administered to you did not take much effect yet and then a procedure gets started on you. Traumatic experiences like that make people generalize so even if they should not fear all dentists, they end up doing so.

Because of my fear of dentists, I have been scared of going to dental appointments. What's worse, my aunt is a dentist and she is our family dentist. I remember her telling me an embarassing story about me when I was young. That was my first tooth extraction. My parents had it done at home as I did not want to go to the clinic to have it done. My aunt said that I kept on shouting, crying and calling every single saint I knew. I was literally asking for help. I had to be held by my parents in order forthe extraction to finish and I kept on crying until I fell asleep. Through the years, that experience haunted me and even if I was already told early on, during my high school years, that I should get braces, I did not. I dodged every single attempt which led me to getting them later in life.

I am turning 30 this year and I have had my braces for almost 2 years now. I don't know how it happened. It was all still a blur. Somehow I was able to just endure and persevere through all the pain of having it done and the continuous pain that comes with every single adjustment that goes with it. I remember that when I first got it, it was hard for me to eat everything I wanted. I had to abstain from eating crunchy, hard and sticky food. Chips were a big no-no. Gummy candies were not allowed either. Even crunchy pig or chicken skin as well as popcorn. I thought I would go mad at first but look at me now. Unlike me who has had these braces for some time now, my husbnd just got his last night and he has been complaining already. Now, he keeps on apologizing to me as he realized how hard it must have been for me. I should be happy with payback but I guess I can't. I know what he is going through and will be going through.

Luckily for me, I was told that I will be having mine removed by next year but oddly enough, I refused. Why? I am not really sure. Maybe I am scared that with it gone, my teeth won't be in their fixed state any longer. I can adapt to the change, I just wanted to be assured that there won't be any gaps in between my teeth afterward. Whether it is separation anxiety issues or I am just being a masochist, I just hope that everything will pay off soon. I know my husband still has a long way to go but I know he will be able to cope with the changes.

If I can give advices to other people who are considering getting braces, I will tell them the truth. The truth braces are like torture devices. They continue to pain you, the longer it is in you. You will suffer in more ways than one. Each person with braces will have his/her own share of misfortunes because of it. You will grow to hate it, be disgusted by it but in the end, it will all be worth it. For me, I see it now as a journey, a roller coaster ride if you will. No matter how many awkward, painful, embarassing or hilarious moments happen to you because of them, they will end and I think that by refusing to have mine removed early next year is testament to the fact that once you get used to the discomfort of having one, you will just find it have to separate ways. Call me crazy if you will but I am sure I am not the only person that this happened to.

Dentists are not the same scary monsters that most children see them as. They are merely doctors of our teeth. I guess as an adult, I can now say that no matter how filthy and how gross it is to have their hands on other people's mouths to get to their teeth, they will still do their jobs as dentists which is something that most people often neglect to see. I may still be in slight pain right due to my newly adjusted braces but I cannot bring myself to imagine what my teeth woud have been now if not for them. Thankfully, I still have my aunt to help me get these despite all the misgivings I have done to her and all the other dentists out there. Now, I can say that there's more to life than being afraid of a dentist and what he/she can do.

Changes: Our Lives Then & Now

Time heals wounds. Now, I can testify to that. My life has had its fair share of ups and downs and although I would like to say that I am stronger now, I think that is not enough to make me better prepared for what's yet to come. After surviving a very tragic pregnancy which lead to the demise of our first child, our lives came at a stand still. We both were shattered by our loss and have thought of giving up several times. I have constantly cried not just in my sleep but in nearly every waking hour of the day. But after months of tears, my husband and I have decided to move on. We know for a fact that we will never forget what we have lost however, we realized that our child will not be happy to see us this way. Instead of continuing to cry over her, we made her our inspiration to strive harder. It was back to work for me and back to school for both of us. This time, we decided to explore our love for food. It was a journey that we know we will never forget and never regret. Culinary school is not as easy as it seems however, we were glad to have been a part of something that made us more passionate about food. Life in the kitchen is tough and at the moment, we only hope that we will be able to survive it.

Looking back on the years that have passed as we embark on our journey to becoming cooks, we realized that there's just so much we have missed. If only we could turn back the hands of time, we could have been more exposed to the world of food earlier on. Culinary school taught us many different things. Apart from the knowledge which we have gained, we also gained some new-found friends and mentors. Although we may not know what the future will hold for all us, we remain hopeful that one day, we will all be able to get somewhere with the knowledge and skills that we have learned and that with each passing day, we will continue to grow and become better. Life is different now so it seems. Yet, it still feels the same. I will always find happiness in food however, now, I can't seem to find it much in the food that I eat if I know it was not homemade or made with love. Fast food used to be yummy, now, I just enjoy eating it when I am exhausted and have no time to cook for myself. Knowing things that I did not know before about food made that difference. Any other changes? Sure, plenty.

Back in the day, we were more concerned about when the next anime, gaming or toy convention will be as we would like to attend them, take photos of cosplayers, get some freebies or even buy something otaku-related. Now, all we can think about is going to the next food convention despite the fact that most of the big ones happen in SMX which is very far away from us. In the past, I was the only one who enjoyed going to bookstores especially second hand bookstores due to my love for reading fiction. Now, even my husband enjoys going to the same places because we now have love for books and magazines related to food. It looks like our bookshelves will be filled with a whole lot of them soon enough. Shopping was not something that we enjoyed however, now, we enjoy shopping – shopping for anything we can use in the kitchen only though but it is still considered a change. We no longer see kitchen utensils, equipment, ingredients, fresh produce and food itself the same way. Culinary education and kitchen life has changed all of that. In fact, even watching MasterChef became both more interesting and less interesting. More interesting because we can now analyze some aspects better but less interesting due to the unfairness of who gets to be booted out every week.

On television, the life of a chef always seems so grand, so eventful, so different. But once you immerse yourself into the field, you will soon realize that it is not all that. Unfortunately, that is what the general public do not understand. Most people believe what they see on TV and so, whenever they find out that you went to Culinary school, they immediately think of you as a chef which is of course, not true. Having proper education will of course give you a leg up on others however, if you do not practice or pursue your dream of working in a kitchen then, what is the point of being educated in the Culinary field? Whenever we get asked if we are chefs, we say that we are cooks. We might be educated but we know that we are not yet that educated to be called chefs. We have not even earned the right to be called that. Wearing a chef's jacket and a toque might just too much for us as the moment especially since we have not taken the TESDA NCII examination yet. Hopefully, after applying everything that we have learned in school in our daily kitchen duties and after taking that exam, we can be proud enough to be called chefs. For now, our journey has merely just begun. Hopefully, after a few years time, it will all be worth it. 

In reality, life in the kitchen is filled with both blood, sweat and tears. Every cook/chef needs to invest not just time and effort in the kitchen but creativity as well. Life in the kitchen is hard and draining. Very different from what we see, read and hear about. But no matter how un-glamorous the kitchen life may be, we are here to stay. Whether we become famous or not, does not matter much to us as we only care for those who we make happy with the food that we create. That's what real happiness is to us right now. Definitely a big difference to what happiness used to mean for both of us. Hopefully, our passion and sincerity for what we do will come through everything and anything that gets made in our kitchen at home and at work. This is our life now. Better make the most out of it.

 Our first day in school.

 First time in the kitchen as we practice our safety & sanitation. (HACCP)

 Our first kitchen hands on with Chef Rudolf Ranada.

 Hubby and I in our chefs' jackets. 

Fruit and Vegetable Carving With Chef Vicky. 

A Part Of Something You're Not. At Least Not Completely.

Sometimes it is nice to just be alone in a busy place while everyone moves, you just observe everything and everyone as they mind their own business without a care in the world. It is nice to just be quiet and content that somehow, someway, you are a part of something that you are not.

Somehow I find joy in watching people. As odd as it seems, I find the said activity relaxing. Eavesdropping, no matter how accidental, can be amusing especially knowing you do not know the people who are talking and who or what the hell they are talking about.

Seeing families bonding, make me imagine what it would be like to have one and continue to yearn for our child who we have lost so soon. Seeing an artist draw peacefully on his sketchpad with a contented look on his face despite the fact that the life of an artist is hard and not a job that would earn you so much money.

Groups of people laughing as they tell funny stories to each other while old people without anyone with them pass by, makes this life bittersweet, a mixture of both happiness and sadness rolled in one.

Although this might not be considered deafening silence, I consider this moment as one of my many treasured silent moments. After all, taking a break from a busy life does not only mean doing other less stressful activities but rather, also a time for one's self and for reflection, which is something I have already missed.

Lucky are those who get the chance to do this every day...