Friday, November 11, 2016

It's Just A Bad Day, Not A Bad Life - My Unlucky Thursday Or So It Seemed

Always remember that!

When your feelings get the worst of you...

Today has been an unlucky day so far. Ever since I left home to go to work, things haven't exactly been awesome. I rode on a bus to the nearest train station. The conductor nearly ripped me off with my bus fare. He probably thought I did not know the bus fare to where I was headed. I know that bus companies has fluctuating fare rates but this one was just too much. I paid him 40 pesos and expected at least 10-12 pesos as my change but he only gave me 2 pesos after giving me the tickets. This baffled me and somehow angered me. When he went back to ask for the fare of the newly seated passengers, I confronted him and told him about my usual bus fare. He argued with me and I thought he would keep on insisting that the bus fare to where I was headed was 38 pesos. Luckily, he did not. Seriously, why would some people do that? The bus ride was partially comfortable. Although I had to keep on moving seats because I initially had no choice but to sit in the back. I had to move 3 times just to be able to sit where I should be sitting. I got to the train station at 5:20 P.M. It was the start of rush hour. I already knew what I was going to get myself into. Or at least, that's what I thought.

When the train arrived, it wasn't so congested inside but once we got to the next 2 stations, the train just got so full that it was hard to breathe. This was a bad situation as I will need to excuse myself when my stop arrives and I am not sure if the people in the train will move for me. Sometimes they don't and that is my biggest daily challenge. Today, they did not. The people outside kept on shoving to board the train while some of us were struggling to get out of it. In the end, I had no choice but to push and shove to get out as well. I ended up hurting my elbow in the process. I just remembered hitting is somewhere hard but since it was so hard to see what I hit, I cannot say what caused the scratch. I kept walking until I reached the mall. When my elbow started stinging inside, I had to examine the damage. It was bleeding and I knew I had to clean the wound somehow. Since I always bring some tissue and isopropyl alcohol with me, I disinfected it. It hurt but I had no choice. Once I was done, I had to start walking again. My office was still a 15-20 minute walk from the mall after all.

I don't mind the whole walking to work bit. What I hate about it is that when I go to work, it is also the same time when most people go home. So the small sidewalk which is supposed to be a two way sidewalk ends up being a one way one. People just keep on walking and not caring about that fact. My wounded elbow got hit as I was walking on this said sidewalk. That made me more upset. I rushed to work because I knew that I will be starting my classes after 40 minutes. Although I was not late for work, I was already upset because of the series of unfortunate events. It is now 9:55 P.M. and as much as I want to think that nothing is wrong, there is. I had my first class for a certain student who I carelessly said goodbye to after only having a 20 minute class when we were supposed to have a 30 minute one. I only noticed it once I was already uploading my report and sending my recording. I had no choice but to tell the Korean owner of the incident. I was sure I would get scolded on. Luckily, I wasn't but was reminded to be more careful next time.

Work ended and I am a mess. I ended up treating myself and my husband to some fast food to cheer me up. As I told the story of how my day went to my husband, I realized I should change things for tomorrow to get better results. Meaning I have to leave home before 4 P.M., ride on an FX instead of a bus, get to the nearest MRT station before 5 P.M., arrive in Ortigas at 5:30 P.M. or before 6 P.M. and review my schedule before my classes start. Surely, I will have better days ahead of me after all the said changes.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Will we ever be the way it was?

Sometimes you ask yourself if you chose right especially because you turned your back on everything and everyone else just to be with that person. It would be hard to get back what has been done, what has been lost. Sometimes I feel like I made the right choice but there are also times when I don't. I feel unwanted sometimes. I feel stupid even. I hate it when people say hurtful words to me but it gets more painful when you say them to me. I never did like shouting at people as I know I never want to be shouted on. You know this and yet you keep on doing it to me. I know I have a short temper and I know you do too but is it too much to ask for a little more understanding when I lose mine instead of you losing yours too? I hate it when you tell me I'm stupid. I hate it when you make me feel like I'm useless. Why do you have so much power over me? Why do I even let you have power over me? Is this love or madness? Maybe I am really stupid because I hate the things that you say and do to me and yet here I am still hanging on to you like a life line when in reality, you could just be the death of me.

Every heart ache, every pain. Call me melodramatic. You always do anyway. I hate that you can't be more understanding. I hate that you have changed so much. We've been together for so long. I am not your enemy, I am on your side. But if you continue to antagonize me and treat me poorly, I might just stop being on your side. I'm just keeping it because I am trying to understand but have you ever tried to stop yourself from being so mean to me? Lately, you've been so angry. I understand you are angry at other people, other circumstances. Sadly, I feel like you put all that anger and frustration on me. I feel heavier and more stressed out every time even when I feel like unwinding. Maybe the only time I will ever get the peace I crave is when I am alone which never happens to me. Am I really supposed to hurt this way? Am I nothing more than this? I did not write this for anyone to pity me. I merely wanted to share. My life is not what it seems. My life should have been better than this. But this is my life and the choices I've made so whether they are right or wrong, I guess I just have to endure it. Hopefully, one day, before I actually end up snapping and losing every last ounce of goodness in me, you will treat me better, you will treat me the way you should treat me. I feel like you are no longer scared that I will leave you. I feel like you will never cry over me anymore. I feel like you have lost every romantic bone in your body. I feel like the passion that you used to have has gone. Is this because of too much assurance or did I just give you too much of myself? I feel like I have you too much that I have very little left for me.

Is this all life has in store for me? I never really asked for too much. I rarely ask for anything at all. I have learned to become easily contented. I have learned to demand less. I am never high maintainenance. Maybe I should have been. I envy those women who have their partners at their beck and call. Sometimes I think I have mine only because he has no choice in the matter but if he had he wouldn't be with me at all. I wish it wasn't this painful. I wish life was easy. My life is no longer what it seems and I am no longer what I should be. My life is withering away and I feel powerless to save it. Maybe this is what is supposed to happen to me. Maybe even sorry is too much to ask for anyway. Most times I feel like I am alone. I feel hopeless. I just don't know anymore. Am I asking for too much? Do I really deserve this? I don't know. I just feel so lost sometimes. 

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

If assumptions could kill...

Assumptions here, there, everywhere. I never did like assuming things about others and it is sad that others like doing so about me. I can't believe that after all this time I still feel like I am living my life like it is high school all over again. I hate the fact that I am being judged based solely on what I wear, what I say or what I look like. It is not like I am still that young anyway. 30 isn't exactly 18. Sometimes I feel like I am still treated like a teenager when I am supposed to be treated like an adult. Hearing made up stories about you from the people that you trusted is not exactly a good thing. Just when you thought that they could be trusted, they end up stabbing you in the back. My life is crazy but I can handle it. Sometimes I just feel like there's this overwhelming weight pressing against me. I feel suffocated. I feel like all the air escaping my lungs and all the blood in my body rushing to my head. I feel like exploding sometimes and that is not exactly a good thing.

When is enough enough? When you know that the people who are supposed to be close to you are actually hurting you, confrontation gets difficult for some people especially those who are not used to confrontations. I am like that. I would rather pretend it isn't happening or just brush things off as I do not want to escalate things to a whole new level. I am a less hassle kind of person. Unfortunately, I am surrounded by people who enjoy hassling me around. In the end, I get different kinds of stress from different kinds of people and the situations they have created. I am a worrywart, I think and worry too much. This is why I always have a plan A, B and C. I hate not being prepared for anything. But this readiness is not exactly appropriate when it comes to these people and these situations. Most of the time I end up just stressing myself more. I can be a control freak. I like things to go as planned and when it doesn't, I have the sudden urge to get angry but somehow I have learned through the years that despite the fact that I should get frustrated during those times, I should also take deep breaths and try to calm myself. Somehow I am happy to say that I have succeeded in doing that most times.

Opening up to others has never been my forte and somehow I feel like I am still having a hard time doing so. I blame my low self esteem for that. However, if needed be, I can be open, I can talk about things that needs to be discussed, I can be professional or personal, whichever you want me to be. Honesty is one thing that I like with people while I loathe assumptions and backstabbing. Sadly, hypocrites are everywhere. There could be one next to you now. Even people who are supposed to be your family can become hypocrites and it hurts me to find out that this is true. Sometimes when I hear made up stories from other people about what a close family member said about me, I frown and feel betrayed. I often think about why these people would treat me this way. I reflect on the things I have done to them and whenever I do, I relive the mistakes I have made to them and how I have done my best to atone for them. Sadly, I guess they think they aren't enough. These kinds of people and situations make me lose face even further.

Sometimes I wonder what my life is worth. I wonder if anybody will miss me when I am gone. I think about the things that I have done for others and the things that I should have done for them. Of course, I think about myself as I am human too. But I always think about my life and if the way other people treat me is right. Do I deserve to be treated poorly or unfairly? Sometimes I don't know anymore. Assumptions and lies are painful and it hurts me deep inside. I rarely shed tears but when I do, you'll know they are for real. My life might not be perfect and I'm certainly not too but that doesn't mean that your assumptions, your lies and the pain you are causing me are welcome. I may look strong but I can be weak too. If assumptions could kill then I will probably be dead by now. The many assumptions people have speculated on and have uttered against me are just too much to bear. I guess I am just strong enough to take all of them for now but until when? I don't know now.

The Struggle Is Real

The times have changed and so have I,
The paths I take, I hope are right,
My life right now isn't exactly perfect,
Some would say it is a mess,
But no matter what other people will say,
I will still think that tomorrow will be a better day.

My life isn't perfect and so am I,
The decisions I've made, I hope are right,
The things I do now are not the things that I used to do,
How I am going to face things now, I still don't have a clue,
I am older and hopefully wiser,
But somehow there are times when I feel that is not true.

Somedays I can't help but feel blue,
I know that stress is killing me,
Yet I feel like I should still keep pushing through,
Sometimes I feel irrelevant or perhaps that's how others make me feel,
Sometimes I feel wanted which I hope I will always feel.
Unfortunately, this isn't always clear.

I hate it when I'm set aside,
I hate it when I have no choice but to hide.
Why do people not see me the way I want them to?
Why do people continue to keep on hurting me so?
I feel tormented and so lost,
I feel like my life can be such a pain.

I like living as there is so much to look forward to,
If only others will see it too.
But I hate living a life that is a lie,
I hate living a life that isn't mine.
Only time can tell if things will change for the better,
I can only stay optimistic for so long after all...

Sunday, August 30, 2015

One Of Those Days When You Feel Like Ehh...

Has it really been months since I last visited this place? Yeah, well, my last post proves it. I haven't been here a lot lately because my life has been both hectic, productive yet only in experience but never in money, and most of all, stressful. September is near and then, I realize that this year will soon be coming to a close. I became 30 this year and what have I to show for? NOTHING! I find myself feeling down today as I came upon this realization. I feel like even if I have done so many things in the past few months, here I am, empty handed. Did I waste away all those months laboring away for nothing? I feel hollow now, empty and believing that it was all for naught.

Today, I felt fed up. I felt like I wanted more and I deserved more but I guess life has another way of showing me I don't want it that much now and that I deserve better in the future. But when will I ever get what I want or what I deserve? Will life ever treat me fairly? I am done thinking that life is fair and that I can survive with perseverance and positvity. Maybe reality is a lot harsher than everybody thinks and that I should not ignore it because I get to face it every day. It has been months since we stopped working in the food business. Shattered dreams for sure. Working in a restaurant is difficult. It has given us new experiences however, the commercial kitchen is also a place filled with heartbreak. Never mind the pain of the heat that welcomes you every day, the rigorous prep time, the stressful lunch and dinner service, the hot oil that scalds you or the cuts from the knives, the fish fins or anything else that can make you bleed. Slaving away at a place where you never got to earn anything was just brutal. We hoped for something better and now, we are hoping still.

It has been two months since we started operating our new found business, our photobooth business. Although it was fun to study everything and have creative freedom over what we should and shouldn't do, we are now faced with the dilemma that many business owners have - How to get more customers. I am not 100% very good with PR but I am trying my very best. I have decided to stop being timid in order to promote better and yet, despite the fact that I have already sent text messages, online messages and posted on different groups, here we are, left with none. Although we do have one client as of the moment, we have come to realize that one client is not enough. It is frustrating to be this way. But I have not given up just yet. We intend to do more marketing - actual marketing in the real world next time - not like the online marketing which I have been doing for a while.

Expectations - I have come to realize that there should be none for it will always be the root of all heartache. Right now, apart from our own business, we have decided to help out in one of my mother's businesses. We are trying to be thorough with this one and because of this, we are hoping that everything will run smoothly. I have never had experience in sales. Yet, here I am braving this sort of business. The marketing and promotional events are taxing but someone needs to plan in order for them to work. The inventory and the paperwork is tiring as well but it has to be done. Now, comes the hard part, the encoding and the money involved. I never really liked Mathematics but this is worth trying. So, although the year has not been what I expected it to be, I am hopeful. Even if I am feeling like I want to be detached from my life forever and start a new one - I am hopeful. For being hopeful is the only way to go for me...

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2015: Typical Expectations, Unlikely Observations

The New Year ushers a new beginning for everyone. As a year ends, it also feels like it ends one chapter in a person's life. Since the New Year is all about new beginnings, I have come to realize that it does not matter who you are and what you are. At some point, we all want the same things. Looking at the posts of many, if not all, of my friends on their social media accounts, I constantly see their wishes for 2015. Comparing them, I noticed the similarities. The obvious wishes include the following: To get rich or to be richer, to the loveless, to find a partner, for career and goal-oriented people, it is to get promoted, for the capricious, to be able to buy new gadgets, a car, a house or others things which will make them happy, for married couples who have been trying to conceive, their wish is to have a child,  for those who have gained weight or are already plus size, to lose weight, for those who have vices or bad habits, wishing to be rid of them or to at least be able to resist them and lastly, the most obvious and less selfish of all wishes to have good health. We all wish for so many things. Call them New Year's Resolutions if you wish however, they are still expectations, no matter how you look at them.

Wishes which are not commonly uttered by many include: World Peace. It might be something that most beauty pageant contestants say but in reality, it is not exactly easily attainable. No matter how we try to achieve it, there can only be a period of peace and it does not last forever. There should be a balance after all and a little chaos mixed to peace is healthy. A cure for deadly disease. Developing one is not easy. Although many say there are already cures readily available to all of us, I believe we should not believe in tall stories. Wishing for the medical field to actually get serious with this and look for cures could take years, even decades, to actually be successful. But that does not mean we should not wish them. Most wishes for the New Year are made for us, not for others. We rarely wish for other people. Sometimes even never.

If I am going to be asked how I want my 2015 to be, I would say I don't know. I want so many things, true. However, I also know that reality has other plans and that God will lead us where he wants us to. I would probably wish for our businesses (if not all) will succeed. I am sure that everyone in our family would benefit from this wish. For this year, my husband and I are business and career-oriented thus, the said wish. But we also wish for good health and more patience. Despite the fact that many people around us constantly bug us to include in our priorities having a child, we just don't see that happening this year. This is our way of not being selfish. Our way of thinking how we are going to make him/her have a good life. But then again, there will always be people saying that there are so many poor people who cannot afford to feed themselves who have children every year. I am saddened that we are being compared to that when all we want is for the good of our future child. We always tell everyone that we will have one in God's perfect time but I guess even that simple answer is not enough to sate them any longer.

2015 has not started yet but just like everyone, I would like to welcome it with positive vibes. I know it won't be a perfect year (not like there is ever one) but I hope and pray that this year will be kind to me. I am used to riding the roller coaster of life after all so why is this year going to be any different? Why bother sharing your New Year's Resolutions when you will just be using the same one every year? Why can't we just keep on moving forward, hope and pray for the best and at the same time, work hard to get whatever goal we would like to get in the end? Everybody expects something from their 2015. I just hope that they are not just prepared for the good things but as well as the bad things that might come hand in hand this year. Sorry to burst your bubble but there is no magic. No fairy tale happy endings. Be grateful. Be happy no matter what 2015 has in store for you.

2013 was a year filled with sadness when we lost our dear Lilly but it was also a time for a change when we decided to pursue our passion - food. 2014 was a year or many new beginnings and challenges. As we end this year, we all hope and pray that 2015 be a more beneficial year for all of us, no matter what it brings us. Good or bad, we will be fine. Bring it on, 2015!