“I’m okay.” , “I’m fine.” , “I’m good.” – I have heard these responses a million times before. But do they really mean it when they say them? I am guilty of saying these and never really meaning them. Why? Because I feel like what happens to me is of no concern to others. It is my personal life. It is something that I have an option to share or to hide. Also, I feel like my pain isn’t exactly relevant for anyone to care. I do not want to burden others by telling them how I truly feel especially when I am not certain how they will react when they hear about it. Some will say that this kind of reasoning will probably disadvantageous to me in the long run. Being honest about my feelings is more important than keeping the truth to the world. If others overshare, I do not. Maybe I did for a time then, reality hit me in the face and told me to grow up so, I did.
This kind of false sense of happiness is something that a lot of people feel nowadays. We live in a time when we value what other people say too much especially on social media that we end up making up lies just to show that we are okay when we are not. Pretending has become the norm and although honesty is still valued, there are times when it is easier to accept a lie than the truth. Having this kind of false sense of happiness leaves people hollow on the inside. It is like all they can do is smile and laugh on the outside but deep inside they are dying, weeping or angry. Can anyone ever bear their true feelings out in the open these days? It is like going outside bare faced with no makeup whatsoever. Although I can do this, baring my true emotions out in the open is something I find challenging to do. Perhaps lying to others has become so convenient that in the end, I am even fooling myself.
Most people are quick to judge. Although we know that this is not a good practice, we still end up doing it. I do this and so do you. Some are just more brutal than others when it comes to dropping shade on them or saying something bad behind their backs. Hypocrisy sucks. I have known it for a long time and although I hate it, I cannot change it. Hypocrisy has become a part of our society. We are wear masks because this is what society made us do. We conform not because we want to but because we have to. We do what others do not because we want to follow them but because it is what everybody does. To go against this tide is possible although not easy. I always say I am different. I want to be different. However, there are times when I ask myself, “What difference have I done in this world anyway?”.
It is true that I am a dreamer. I like to create. But that doesn’t make me free from the burdens of adult life. I make art to relieve my stress and my anxiety however, some days are just more miserable than others. So miserable that even art can save me from such days. The harsh reality of life is something that you can never escape from no matter how hard you try. You can hide from it temporarily but you won’t be able to get away from it permanently. I hate the feeling of anxiety silently eating you alive, clawing deep inside you like a dark entity wanting to escape leaving you to be nothing but a broken person. I have heard of anxiety attacks. Although I don’t really know if I have had one. Maybe I have had one or two or even a few and I just don’t know about it or I am just in denial.
Some days are hard and when they become too overwhelming for me, I end up crying. I cry not because I am weak. I cry because I do not know what to do next. I pray to be strong during these times. I pray for guidance. I pray for a calm heart and an empty mind. Although these work, I cannot always shake off this feeling inside of me. We are our greatest critics and that’s a fact. Through the years, I believe that I have learned to battle my inner demons each day. I am not perfect. I never was and never will be. But that won’t stop me from at least trying to live each day. Some days I feel like I am just surviving but not really living at all. It is during these times when I feel so lonely, so irrelevant, so disheartened.
You’ll never know what will come across next. The path might seem so blurry, so unclear. Yet, we must keep on pushing forward. Life might not be working out for me right now but nothing lasts forever. My smile might be fake and my laugh forced during some days but I know that there will be days when they would all be sincere. I long for such days. I long for happier moments in my life. Hopefully, such days will come for me soon. Misery is something I fall into easily but I hope that eventually, I can go long without it. My life might not be what it should be or what it seems to be but it is ever changing and so should I. Maybe I should start saying ”I’ll be okay.”, “I’ll be fine.” , “I’ll be good.” the next time someone asks me how I am instead of my regular answers. This way there is still optimism in me somehow as I think that tomorrow will be better than today.
We do not know the struggles that other people face each day. They may smile or laugh in front of you but are they really sincere in showing these emotions to you? Be more sensitive. Be more considerate.After all, we can't always be happy. Don't assume that the person you are talking to is. Remember that.