Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Workplace Predicaments To Sigh About

I just feel targeted. Somehow I feel like this is an endless cycle that will never end. Although many people believe I am lucky, they also don't know that there is an unlucky side of me somewhere. It is like no matter how hard I try, people will always try to bring me down. Am I destined to be bullied forever? Did I bring this upon myself? Sadly, my experiences of being bullied in the past always haunts me as I continue to experience bad things at work.

I remember in the first online teaching company that I worked for. I was picked on by one of the Korean managers who kept on reporting that I wasn't doing my job when in fact I was. I was merely making new materials to make the classes livelier but to her it was as if I was only dilly dallying in paint. She reported me to the higher Korean manager and was scolded because of that. I cried as I know that I didn't do anything wrong. Nobody complained about it. Well, at least, none of my students did. It was just her who did it. I thought it would end there but too bad, it only rested for a while.

In another company that I applied for, I was expecting to be trained before going on board but unfortunately, I wasn't. I had to have consecutive classes from 2-11pm. I had breathers but they weren't too much. Most classes were only 10 minutes and they were all phone classes. After two days of being there, I was called upon the manager's office and was booted out because they said I didn't know what I was doing and that I was a bad teacher. I felt bad that time. I ended up leaving my favorite red jacket in that office as I refuse to believe that they would do that to me and that I was a bad teacher. I wasn't even given time to adjust.

Now, here I am again. Prior to being here, I was in another company which I thought would last. That company left me here only because it was for the best. I never chose to be in this company in the first place. I only did when I wasn't given anymore chances left. I just stayed because I needed a job and now, here I am facing this dilemma all over again. I need a stable job with a steady income especially now that my baby will be born next year. I want to survive till then but how can I if I will lose this job now? Somehow I feel like I should have left sooner and just worked somewhere else so that I would have stopped myself from being in this predicament that I am currently under but what's the use really?

I was already given a verbal warning last time that I might be terminated. I took that seriously and cried as I got home. I did better and now that I thought I was doing better, a written memo arrives stating that if things won't change then I will be forcibly removed here. On what grounds? Well, there is poor attendance which I can justify only because I know that it wasn't my fault. It wasn't like I wanted to be absent for two days while that nameless habagat flooded many areas in Metro Manila. I think my bosses expected me to swim in the flood just to get to work. Sad but true. Another reason is unsatisfactory performance. That reason was one reason that really made me angry.

How dare they say that? It was as if I am not experienced in teaching at all. It was as if I was a newbie in this industry and that I don't know anything at all. It hurts me that they did that to me. So today, I asked if there were any complaints from the students. I don't know if I will be given any but I want to know if there were any students that did so. That way, they can prove to me that it really was my fault. They said it was because I couldn't maintain a certain number of students per month. What can I do if the student has personal reasons for not studying? I can't force that student to stay right? It is sad that I always have to be the culprit. Are teachers to blame for such things? Perhaps partially but not as a whole. Sadly, that is what is happening here.

I didn't see anybody else being handed the memo. I feel like the whole "other people received that memo too" was just a load of bull but what can I do? I am merely an employee here. to me if this job really isn't for me and if they have no plans of regularizing me then they should say it now so that I might be able to resign and just look for other job opportunities out there. I don't think companies would still hire me if I am already far along with my pregnancy so I just hope that they can give me an answer soon. I am anxious, tired of all the games that they play and at the same time, fed up. I just want to move on and be happy somehow. As if things aren't bad enough already...*SIGH*

1. It is best to resign than to be terminated. That's a fact.
2. According to survey, most people in higher positions often make their subordinates' lives a living hell at work. Again, another fact. This is why workplace bullying is still legal in many offices around the world.
3. Something to ponder on. I am not certain which is which.
4. Anxiety eating up inside of me. What if I never find it? I am sure I will regret it for the rest of my life.
5. I wish it was that easy. If salary and perks didn't matter then I would have just settled for careers that won't pay me much and won't give me so much stress. Stress is after all, bad for my baby.
6. I wear a fake smile every day when I go to work. I am okay with my job. I just don't feel comfortable with my workplace sometimes...

Friday, October 26, 2012

Pondering On Stable Jobs And Late Retirement

This week, I met someone who wanted to apply to our company. I was surprised to find out that she was already 53 years old. I was deceived by her photo on her resume which probably was taken 10 years ago or who knows more. I didn't want to think about it anymore as a new realization dawned on me. As I continued to skim her resume, I found out how experienced she was and somehow I felt bad for her. Why? Because she is currently jobless and she is over aged. Yes, that's right. I said the word, over aged. I thought age doesn't matter? Truth be told, it does. Unfortunately, it matters too much in my company and I am deeply saddened by that because I know that one day, I might just be this woman.

I decided to follow the protocol. I gave her the exam and after passing with flying colors, I knew I had to conduct an initial interview. I was disturbed. I didn't know what to say but I didn't want her to see all that. I did my job and told her that she should just wait for the call of our manager which I personally know will never arrive. I lied to her. I could have said her the truth but it was uncomfortable and I knew it would hurt. Somehow I had to tell our supervisor to please be more specific with their job ads next time. I wanted to avoid such experiences as I have a soft spot for people who are older than me. I told my supervisor to add an age limit to their job ads so that old applicants will not waste their time here. I also didn't want to face anymore of them. Not because I am mean but only because I do not have the heart to face them.

I am currently 27 years old. I am not an old lady yet but in the future, I know I will be. As uncertainty gnaws at me, I feel scared of what the future might bring. I don't want to be jobless or homeless. I don't want to be useless. I want to be busy and fruitful. I was not born to be idle. I reflected on the choices that I have made in the past and somehow I regret some of them. I wish to change some of them but I know that it is not possible. I wonder what my like would have been like if things were different. I guess I will never know. Maybe I need to find more stability in my life especially in my career. I want to stay in a company for a long time but things don't always work out for me. Perhaps I should stop being picky. I should be more of a grown up and just suck it up.

I don't want to ask myself questions like: When I am more than 35, will companies still hire me? For sure, some will. Call centers aren't that picky. Some education related companies aren't as well. But do I still want to keep on looking for jobs until I am more than 35? Actually, I don't. If possible, I want to just have a stable job or a business that I can run. At this rate, I don't mind both at all as I am in need of money after all. Going back to the woman that I met, I realized how late some people retire. My mom retired early only because she wanted to concentrate on my younger sister but she does have a business so that doesn't count. My father, however, is a workaholic. I don't think he wants to slow down soon but he knows he has to do it. He isn't getting any younger after all. Besides, I want him to enjoy what he has worked so hard for too. I don't want him to work himself to death.

In the Philippines, many people do not have the liberty or the luxury to retire young. Lucky are those who come from rich families and do not need to work so hard every day. Whenever I see or meet old people who continue to work, I feel my heart breaking for them. I don't want to be like that when I am a frail, old woman. I want to just sit on my rocking chair and just watch as my grandchildren play around me but will I have the luxury to do that? I don't know for sure. The Philippines is a third world country after all and many people here believe that the only answer to poverty is to either work in a call center or to work abroad. I didn't have that kind of mentality then as I have been abroad for more than 6 years as a student and I know that life is not easy when you are in another country. But then again, that doesn't really count because I didn't work then. I just hope that somehow someday, that woman that I met this week won't be me. That is all I am thinking of right now.
 From now on, I will just rant but I will not back down and will not quit. Quitters never win after all. I am just going to think that I will feel better after ranting and that there are people out there who are probably having things harder than me. That would be a comforting thought at some point.
 Would you hire someone who is more than 50 years old in your company? If I was an owner of a company, I might reconsider but that depends on if the person can still do the job or not. Otherwise, I will just have to turn the person down. Something that I really dread doing...
Somehow I don't want my retirement to be this way. Hopefully, someday I will be able to afford my own retirement...

Ranting About My Friday Morning Mishaps And My Need To Take A Break

Friday is usually a happy day but why is it that today isn't such a happy Friday morning? Well, let me see. First, I woke up just in time to get ready for work but had a hard time getting to work because there were very few public transportations available today. I didn't know what was up until I remembered it was a holiday but still, this is the first time this has ever happened to me. After waiting for nearly more than 20 minutes, I was office bound only I knew I was going to be late. I already informed my immediate supervisors about it and was prepared to have a 500 pesos deduction on next week's salary. I sulked knowing that 500 means a lot to me. Lately, every single penny matters because I work hard for it and I know that I need it. It seems that luck wasn't on my side earlier today.

Another mishap happened as I was about to have a class with one of my students. My computer suddenly decided it would be nice to hang and to reboot by itself. I was late for my class for 3 minutes. Good thing that the student didn't complain about it. Otherwise, I would be in trouble. It is only 9 AM here and I know that I still have to withstand until 2 PM before I can actually get home. Somehow I wish that time went faster today but I guess I should just try to stay away from unluckiness while I still have to wait for the hours to go by. Lately, I feel exhausted and restless. There are many factors contributing to this feeling but I know I shouldn't be this way. Negativity isn't welcome in a pregnant woman's life and I have tried so hard to remove that from my vocabulary but unfortunately, it comes and goes. So, I am accepting the fact that it is inevitable and will be a constant part of our daily lives.

I can't say I am a workaholic. I know that I work mainly because I have to. A small part of me wants to but my need to earn money is greater than my want to go to work every day. Is that a bad thing? Perhaps but I am more practical now than before. I am currently thinking about my deadlines for my writing jobs and somehow I know that this week has been hellish for me. I just feel like I want to sleep, relax and do other more enjoyable things but due to my current circumstances, I feel like I can't enjoy those much. Because of this I feel stressed. Another factor that is making me restless is that the month is ending again and I know that monthly evaluations will be conducted at work. I just hope that I become regularized as I really need this job.

A vacation - I guess that is what I badly need. I need a week of staying in a peaceful place, lounging about, not caring for the world and perhaps even reading some good books. I want to sleep and wake up feeling refreshed. I want to have this soon as I know when my baby is born, I will be more sleep deprived, crankier and more workaholic. I really wish this was possible. If only. That is the only thing I can say at the moment. So, anyway, I am still looking forward for the weekend regardless of my ranting today. I heard that there will be a Halloween party at our subdivision and my mom told me I should put some facepaint and make up on some people who will be attending the party. I just researched on some ways on how to make fake blood, scars, wounds and so on. I am hoping it will be a hit. I definitely need to get some pictures. I am breathing easier now. Thank God for ranting. I can become more optimistic now somehow.
 This week hasn't been exactly that good to me so I hope my weekdays will end soon. I want my weekends to stay this week, pretty please?
As I have said earlier, I am exhausted and restless thus, the need for a break has awaken within me. Will I ever get it? Nobody knows. Even I don't know myself.

 Yes, sleep. I need more of it.
 A vacation by the beach with a good book and with no worries. Yes, that is too much to ask. As the trip is to expensive and the money that I earn isn't that big. The possibility of me ever going to the beach for this so called vacation has just reached zero. What? Can't a girl wish?
This is one thing to look forward to. Hopefully, it will come true.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Frowning On A Monday Morning

I was a bit torn up as I remembered that today is a Monday. I slept with the thought that I need to be awake at 3:15 AM once again to prepare for the day ahead. I woke up feeling sore as I wanted to snuggle next to my pillows and my husband longer but I know I can't. I had to cook my packed lunch before taking a cold bath. Apparently, we were so tired last night that we forgot to heat some water. I hurriedly got dressed and got ready for work. I had to be optimistic. It was the start of the week after all.

When I got to work, I was surprised to find that I was transferred to a different station. Apparently, my things have been transferred elsewhere and after finding my computer, I realized that my new station has a view. Finally, that made me smile. There is less artificial light from where I sit now and I can see if the weather is good or not outside. Sadly, when I already started working, it turns out that after a month of not using my computer and using another, I actually thought that perhaps it was already reformated. It has been a month after all and I know that I am the only one experiencing this. I feel annoyed that even up to now, nothing has been done about it.

I told my concern to our team leader who clearly was apologetic. I know it wasn't her fault. The managers said that my computer was fine. I wish they know how difficult it is to transfer from one station to another. Sheesh! Pregnant woman here! I wish they would be more considerate. She promised to find time to reformat it later but after seeing her schedule, I am not certain if she will be able to do it. I am frustrated. I don't know who to ask anymore. All of them don't seem to be listening. All of them don't seem to be concerned at all. I will not be the only one who will be affected by this but my students as well. *SIGH* Not a good start for my Monday. Just hoping for the best by the end of it...
This was me yesterday...
This is me today...
As I try to psych myself to go to work today. I don't really hate work. I love teaching my students. There are just some things that I cannot avoid hating. Sad but true. I can't leave even if sometimes I get burned out because I know I need this job. Who doesn't need money to live on every day anyway?
It seems everybody hates Monday. If Monday was a person, he/she would see a shrink and probably deal with depression. Sad but true.

But at the end of the day, I know I need to relax and try to be positive. Frowning won't get me anywhere. I will just feel stressed this way. I wish I wouldn't continue to feel this later. Taking long, deep breaths right now...

Friday, October 19, 2012


I am already four months pregnant but I still go to work every day. Because of the fact that we don't own a car and even if we did, I wouldn't be bringing it to work because gasoline and parking are both expensive and I don't know how to drive, I just commute going to work daily. Unfortunately, sometimes it is not as easy as it sounds. My belly is not yet that big although when you look at it, the bump already shows. You just need to pay attention. Sadly, most passengers seem to overlook this fact.

I ride on a jeepney on my work and on my home daily. There are times when it is easy to ride one, there are times when it is hard and there are times when it gets really annoying. Maybe I experienced the same things in the past but didn't mind so much as I wasn't greatly bothered by them anyway but now, I that I am, I just cannot let them pass. I need to be on my way to work at 4 AM. Riding a jeepney at this time should be easy as there should be only a few people riding them but unfortunately, I am mistaken by that. I usually encounter people with large bulks of things that they need to sell somewhere else. Too bad, they don't want to sit at the far side of the jeepney just behind the driver's seat. It is hard for a pregnant woman like me to actually find a seat whenever there are people who are like this.

Another scenario is when some people don't even want to budge from their seats. I need my space. My baby does too. I wish people would see that. Whenever I ask people to pass my payment to the driver, it is bad enough that nobody wants to pass it for me, what is worse is that some of them pretend to be asleep or to be doing something else. I hate it when they ignore me. It is not like I am asking them a huge favor. I just need them to pass something along. What could be the trouble with that? I honestly don't know if things will change as I am encountering these situations almost every day. I hope that things will get better somehow. *Fingers crossed*

NOTE: I already added comments about the different pictures. If it is hard to see them, please click  on the photos to enlarge. Thank you!

Argh! What Is Up With Your Overbearing Amount Of Positivity And Happiness?

Maybe some people are just too happy for their own good. I am not exactly what you call a very cheerful person. I am more on the moody side. There is nothing wrong with positivity. I have that in me too but having way too much of it somehow annoys me. Which is why it is no wonder that when I meet people who are both overly happy and positive about everything, I try my best to just go with the flow when to be honest, I can feel my eyes twitching as I stop myself from rolling my eyes with both disinterest and displease. Sorry, I can be a bit of a Scrooge at times.

Sometimes I wonder if those people are truly like that or is it all a mask that they need to wear just to not lose face? Just like the Japanese having their social faces and their personal faces, are many people being deceived by those who seem happy and positive but in reality they are not? I don't know really. I just wonder. What if everything is superficial? What if everything is nothing but fake? I don't see that as a good thing. I see that as something bad.

In my opinion, I would rather be real in expressing myself and presenting myself to everyone than pretending to be something that I am not. If I am not a cheerful person or a positive person, why do I have to go through all the effort to show everyone what I am not? To me, it is nothing but a waste of energy. Unfortunately, sometimes society is to blame for this as well. Although I do not want to be in such a predicament, sometimes I find myself in it. I find myself trapped in a world where society dictates the norms and since I am one of the people in this society then I cannot do anything but obey.
Sure, I can do something. Maybe I am just powerless as I think about all the people who follow instead of disobey. This is why I decided that the safest way to get through these ordeals is to just smile and roll with things. This way nobody gets hurt. Not me, not anybody else. Sure, I am faking people too but aren't they doing the same thing to me too? Perhaps it is a technique of survival. Just like animals camouflaging themselves to survive longer. We are humans after all. We are supposed to be the highest form of animals out there. Shouldn't we be able to camouflage better then? Sorry. This today's random thought.

Sorry. I just can't be too happy and too positive all the time. It is downright exhausting.

Sometimes I just can't stand being with people who are too happy and too positive. Perhaps because I think it is not right. Go figure!

Well, even if I don't like being around with these people, that doesn't mean I don't tolerate them. After all, they are better company than others. I just can't be in my jolly mood all the time but nodding and smiling helps...A LOT!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Please Don't Rain On My Parade: My Early Morning Friday Blues

Finally, it's Friday. I woke up without hesitation despite the fact that I would rather sleep than go to work but I knew I had to. I took a bath despite the cold wind making me shiver inside the bath. I dressed up casually and went to work early. I was glad that the week is almost done. I started the day right. Unfortunately, there are just some people who will always rain on my parade.

I am an adult and I am a responsible employee. I might not be here long but I am a professional. I do my job well. I don't need someone to hold my hand through everything to the extent that I am being spoonfed. It is sad when I wanted to start my day right and somebody somehow ruins it. Bossing me around rubs me off the wrong way. Lately, it is like she always does this to me. I have gone to a point where I just want to avoid her entirely. It is hard as there are only a few employees here.

Interaction is unavoidable. Conversations are essential. Greeting other people is inevitable as it is one cardinal rule here. To be honest, those are okay however, I think since it is a rule, it sounds more insincere as we are required to do it. We do not really want to do it. We just have to. Honestly, I usually just wear a mask whenever I go to work. I don't know if this is because of the age gap that I have with most of the people here. Being older has somewhat made me not frigid but rather calculating and irritable. I try not to bother with things that I know aren't interesting enough for me. Sadly, it is truly hard to find anything interesting here aside from the work because I do love my students and teaching.

Since they are younger, they tend to have different areas of interests and to be honest, what they like, I somewhat hate. I need to wear wake up here as it is another rule. I don't mind it at all but to be asked to wear thick makeup every day is just too much. They like talking about things that will make them beautiful and all those girly things. I don't. The occassional talk of being beautiful is fine but not every day. The talk about boys and men, I am over that as well. It is okay to gush over them at times but definitely not every day. The music that they like, I avoid as I do not really mainstream often.

What I write, what I read, all of my hobbies I tried to share with them however, it seems that we will never meet halfway but I am still here because I am an adult and I am in a point in my life where I need a job not because of anything else but rather because of survival. I am not here to do other things. I will suck it up. Rant whenever I feel like it and then just keep on going. That is my only game plan. Anyway, thank God Friday is not over yet. I can still pretty much undo the damage that was done to me. I just need to avoid anything upsetting later today. After that, Hello weekend! I can't wait!
Yesterday's orders on Skype aside from the one's that were already given to me verbally. Sheesh! Am I not a teacher here?

Today's start of rain on my Friday parade. Then, before posting this, we had that awkward what are you going to do this weekend small talk. Sheesh! Moving along...
Umm...I don't think this is professional behavior. Talking about your boss this way is odd. I never did this before especially not online. Perhaps if I did, I blurted it right out but that as it. I never gushed over it. This one seems to have done it. Wow! That's just weird. Notice how I didn't react so much. Yes, literally I couldn't stop rolling my eyes. Sue me!

Lastly, I am a bit of a private person. At times, I want to share to others what my life is like but that doesn't mean that I have to share every last detail about me. There are boundaries. People here might think we are a family but even families have boundaries too. It is just awkward to be in a situation when you have to listen to someone or some people tell you about their personal lives that you don't really want to know a lot about. Seriously? TMI, folks! Ever heard of that?