Thursday, January 17, 2013

My Last Thursday Thoughts At Work

I only have two days left to work and somehow, I am relieved by that fact. Unfortunately, I am not callous or insensitive enough to block my feelings toward this. As I said before, I love my students and my job but not the company that I work for. Today and tomorrow, I know that I should start saying goodbye to my students but somehow I feel like I can't. I just had a class with Sue today and today is the end of her contract as well. She started the class by telling me the bad news that her husband contract is already over at the hospital that he currently works for and that it is time for them to move on. I didn't actually know what she meant by it. Quite frankly, she didn't either. She was at a loss and I knew that she was just fighting back her tears. I knew she was fragile at this point and I did not want to push things too far. I listened but interjected every now and then in order to break the silence between us. Somehow I was able to cheer her up and even give her some advice for the future which I hope will be helpful to her as well. As the minutes kept on ticking by, I hated the feeling that she would feel betrayed. We were friends and I felt really happy whenever she said that I always make her feel better. I am just hoping that her next teacher will be kind to her as well. I did send her an e-mail which I hope she will respond to.

If there is one thing that is common in this field, it is the fact that in this industry, people come and go. Students and teachers stay but never too long even if they do, only a few of them do so. I wish I could stay longer despite me hating the company but unfortunately, this time, I just can't. I am 6 months pregnant. Turning 7 soon. I am at the crossroads right now. I want to continue working but I can't sacrifice my family for a successful career which is a common problem among working mothers/wives out there. I wish I could but I can't. This week will be a trying one for me. So many things will happen, so many changes will take place. I need to prepare for many exams that I need to undergo to for me and baby this weekend. I am keeping my fingers crossed that we are both healthy. I need all the help I can get which is why I have decided to go to church after work for the whole week. I needed to feel at peace and somehow, I can only feel that if I talk to Him. There is another reason why I should do so as my grandmother is still in the hospital at the moment. She has been in the ICU for a long time and despite having had an operation last week, it is sad to hear that her condition isn't getting any better. I worry for her. Not just because the bill is getting higher everyday and that my relatives will have a hard time paying it but also because I want her to live some more. I want her to see my baby even for the last time.

I thought the start of the year will be a good one for me and the people around me but it seems that 2013 didn't start right. As a matter of fact, the end of 2012 didn't end right either. Sighing won't make anything better. Complaining won't make any difference either. I should be thriving with positivity as my baby and I need it but how can I when I am surrounded with stress a lot lately? My husband and I have packed about 70 percent of our things already and we're planning to finish everything up this weekend in order to be ready for the move next week. I am not sure when yet but I think it will be on a weekday. Regardless of how things will go, I think I should just keep on having an open mind. There is only so much I can handle. For now, I should take it easy and breathe. My legs had cramps again in the middle of the night. I hate it when I get so fatigued. This is why it would be best for me to just stay home and relax. My baby and I need it.

So, goodbye is never hello. I know that. I just didn't want to say it. I just didn't have the heart to say farewell. I am so bored today. I know I should stay interested for the next two days but I don't know how especially since I know I won't be here long. I don't see the point in performing well anymore but I suppose I should especially since these two days will be the last days that my students will remember me by. I just hope I can still do. Please let the days pass by quickly this time...

It will always be hard to say goodbye. I was never really a fan of it to begin with. I would rather disappear without saying goodbye. No elaborate explanation, less guilt? Perhaps. Closure? Never going to happen. Living with the guilt is bearable somehow but definitely a burden still. This is why I so hate goodbyes...

Friday, January 11, 2013

I Should Have Studied More About William Shakespeare's Works - Too Bad I Didn't

I just realized that if I could turn back time and be given another chance to study something in college, I would have enjoyed studying English Literature. No, not just usual stories and poems but rather William Shakespeare's sonnets, plays and so on. Odd. I loved the movie, Shakespeare In Love. Although it was more fictional than true to life, I realized that I was a hopeless romantic because of that movie. I found out that somehow sometimes tragedies need to happen and that bittersweet moments don't need to always be sad endings.

Just like in the movie, Shakespeare In Love, Viola did not end up marrying Will but Lord Wessex instead. This way, their love might not have flourished but for a moment, it inspired both of them. It could have ended with more heartache but in the end, they were glad that they both knew what love was than not knowing at all. Just like in In Memoriam A.H.H by the English poet, Alfred Lord Tennyson..."'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". I wonder what being a muse is like. Somehow Shakespeare provided the idea that most creative men of his time and even those before him needed muses to inspire them into making masterpieces. Such an affair would have had repercussions - whether good or bad - it affects both the muse and the lover. Such raw passion and desire sounds appealing to me even to this day but somehow I don't think I am brave enough to take the leap. I will never be like Viola De Lesseps but I can be a modern heroine who will be willing to risk it all for the one I love. My story might not have a bittersweet ending but I know that I will learn a lot from it.

One of my students told me that she is currently writing a paper on one of William Shakespeare's plays called "Measure For Measure". Although I admitted to her that I never read the play or heard of it, I told her I will try to read about it and learn more about it soon. I read about it today and found out that it is a comedy. Although it wasn't purely one, it did have its moments. Like many of the plays that Shakespeare does, he does his best to always have a twist to his stories. The tagline of play is "Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall" which somehow summarizes the whole story. I wonder why I never really read it before. Perhaps when I was discussing English Literature with my English teacher, he thought that the play was rather inappropriate for my age. I agree especially knowing better now. Somehow the play showed that there will always be two kinds of people in the world. One would have to be those who want to take advantage of others and the second one would have to be those who are often taken advantage of. While there was a wildcard in the story, who played neutral while the events played out, he eventually revealed himself to be on the good side. The Duke, Vicentio who disguises himself to be the Friar Lodowick is probably one of my favorite characters in the play. For he had the power to undo what has been done and to punish those that needed it. Sure, he was just like playing God but he was somehow the law at that time and the corrupt deputy, Angelo, had to be punished for the atrocities that he did while in the so called Duke's absence. Power can be addicting. Power can be like a drug or a form of alcohol. It can seduce you to want more. It can lure you to do evil things.

Although not all people can be tempted by power, most of them do. Which is why it is not surprising that Angelo succumbed to his demise. I pity those who were nearly taken advantaged of but somehow I feel glad that a certain savior helped them save themselves in the most cunning ways possible. Shakespeare always had cunning ways to make his readers wonder and think. Deception is the name of the game and sometimes it can be a double edged sword. If one can be good in deceiving others, whose to say that he/she won't be deceived as well? This is when Karma happens. Apparently, Angelo was a victim of this. He thought he could outsmart the nun, Isabella, as he thought she finally said yes to giving her virginity to him but in reality, he was deceived as she was replaced by someone named Mariana who was supposed to be Angelo's wife. As he thought that he already possessed Isabella, he decided to deceive her by going back on his word. He gave the order to have her brother, Claudio, killed but luckily, his head was replaced by someone else's while Claudio continued to live. I guess the Duke was more cunning than him in the end.

My student told me that she should write about law and order in her final paper and she wrote that the law exists because of justice but that doens't mean that the law is perfect. Somehow I do agree with that statement. Laws are merely words. They might be said or written in paper but they are never set in stone. They can be ammended, changed and even abolished. They can even be bended and broken. What is true justice? That we can never know. We all have different interpretations to it. This is one reason why vigilantes are born. They develop a sense of justice that only they see as the real deal. The play, Measure For Measure, taught me many things. As I compare the kind of life people have right now, I realized how free we are today even if many people are not contented with their so called freedom. Many people continue to complain which only proves how truly insatiable man is.

Anyway, I guess I should have studied more about Shakespeare and his writings when I was younger but I guess all I can do now is read about him and his work by myself. It would have been nice to discuss my ideas about him with other people who shared the same interest as me. Just a thought, I wonder what kind of character I would be if I was included in one of his plays. If you were in one of his plays, who would you be and why?
The famous tagline for William Shakespeare's Measure For Measure

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Busy But Fulfilling Wednesday

Yesterday was a busy day at work. As soon as I saw my schedule, I was surprised to see that I had 13 students on my list. Thank God that two of them were on hold or postponed. Otherwise, I would have been really busy. Having nearly consecutive classes is common for me. It is just that these days, I just keep on getting more and more. My schedule for January is quite full. I always thought having 15 students in this company was reserved to people who have been here long but after seeing the schedules of everyone at work, I realized that we are all becoming busier and busier. Perhaps this month is a good month for the company. All I am saying is why now? I only have until the 18th to be here and my schedule is somehow nearing insane. I don't want to think about it but I wonder who will be taking charge of my students when I am gone. I worry for them especially those who have been with me for a long time. Somehow, they are already like my friends. If not, my babies. I want to keep in touch with them but how? I can't ask for their e-mail addresses because that is one of the policies here. I guess I would just be contented with whatever time I have left with them. If there is one thing I learned in this industry, it is the fact that only a few ever stay in touch and it is unlikely to ever teach the same student in a different company again. Even if it did happen, the chances are quite slim.
My work ended with me doing a lot of reports and doing overtime because of a Korea 101 training which I didn't mind.

I ended up meeting my husband late which gave him time to go around the mall and enjoy himself. I didn't mind. He wanted that after all. After meeting each other, we decided to eat together first before going about our task there. We had good hearty sizzling meals yesterday. At Sizzling Plate, I usually order the Salisbury Steak or the Double Decker but this time, I opted for something new. I ordered a Sizzling Pork Steak with an added sunny side up egg while he ordered a Sizzling Porkchop. The meal was satisfying especially because we haven't eaten anything like it in a long time. My husband felt like he needed something sweet to complete the meal. We went to this new Belgian Waffle store to try their Blueberry and creamcheese Belgian Waffles for dessert. They were a bit pricey but definitely worth it. Yum! We will definitely eat it again next time. The blueberry was gooey with the melted cheese and it was like eating a hot blueberry cheesecake in a waffle. How filling! Somehow, I felt like it was a late celebration for our two year and one month wedding anniversary.

Because moments like these were memorable to both of us, we decided to ignore the need to take photos as souvenirs because we know that we will remember such moments forever anyway. After buying a couple of boxes at the hardware store, we were ready to go home. Since I still felt that I had some energy left, I decided to start packing a bit. What better way to start my packing with my well loved books. After seeing how empty my bookshelf was, I felt sad but happy at the same time. Sad that our chapter in our current house will be ending soon. Although we only lived here for a year or so, I knew we had a lot of memories here. It is also the place where we discovered our independence and practiced it. We learned how to do things on our own and at the same time, it was the place where our baby was conceived. I can't believe my husband and I are getting emotional when it comes to moving away but what can we do? It is somehow inevitable. We are both happy though because we know that we will both be heading to a better place. Fingers crossed that everything will go smoothly from there. My husband did a little packing too but after awhile we stopped and headed straight for bed. I was already tired and I knew I needed to get some sleep. Another day was ahead of me and somehow, I am looking forward to it. Another Thursday is here and I am hoping that it will start and end well for me.
If busy is a drug that people are addicted to then I should be a career woman. If I should be a career woman then I should have no time for getting pregnant for 9 months and that I should just lay an egg to leave it to someone to warm it or incubate it. Yes, hilarious, I know. Then again, I don't think I want to be that busy. I don't want to be addicted to the busy-ness although I know I once was. I think that I need time to be a woman who can just take care of herself, her husband and her child. I can always get back to having a career after a couple of months or even a year. I shouldn't feel bad about it, no matter how uncertain I get at times.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Proud To Be A Picky Eater? I Guess Not!

I have been a picky eater ever since I was a young girl. I honestly don't know why I am this way. Perhaps it is because I was not trained to eat certain foods that I don't like and somehow, I regret it now that I am older. I just feel bad that it is hard to change my old ways. Old habits, die hard. That's what they always say. I am turning 28 this year and I am pregnant. I should eat healthier. I should eat right but somehow it is still hard to do so. Thank God I am motivated to at least try. I never did like eating fruits or vegetables but now, at least I eat some of them. I know what I should do but I won't add this to my resolutions for the New Year. All I am saying is that I should keep on trying. I would like to be a healthy person after all. Hopefully, I will be strong enough to beat this dilemma.

Oddly enough, I have never really boasted to anyone that I am a picky eater. To me, I find it to be shameful. It has left me with so many embarrassing memories. As a kid, it was okay but when you get older, things get uglier. I don't like being judged which is why I often lie about these things or just don't disclose the real deal. I know some people who have admitted to be picky eaters. Honestly, I think they made the wrong choice in doing so. Should I be envious of them for being true to themselves? I guess not. I remember when someone I knew admitted to everyone about her being a picky eater and instead of trying to understand her, the crowd ended up eyeing her differently and yes, judging her despite her plea of not being judged. I know what comes next after an admission so why should I let myself go through with such a terrible thing like that? Think about it.

Since I already am a picky eater, I am somehow afraid that my child will become one too. I am hoping that I will not suffer the same dilemma that I gave my parents, grandparents and everyone else around me when I was a little girl. Surely enough, I know I can't make chicken nuggets everyday or better yet, I can't always yield to my baby's wishes and just give in to what he/she wants to eat. Especially now that I know the value of eating right...

What The Heck Is This Cut For Beiber (#Cut4Beiber) Trend?

I heard about this trend today and honestly, I don't know why Justin Bieber fans were gullible enough to do it. I don't know who started the trend but honestly, I think it is stupid. Why would you cut yourself because of your devotion for a certain pop star? It is just absurd. It just shows how much people value their lives these days. If it is simple enough to cut yourself, then it is simple enough to end your life as well. Cutting themselves for a cause might not be as serious as those who are depressed or want to commit suicide but then again, I wish these people knew that this kind of behavior isn't normal.

Normally, adults would be alarmed by this. Friends wouldn't tolerate it. Teachers wouldn't let their students do such an awful thing. I know I wouldn't. I know a lot of Justin Bieber fans and sadly, most of them are young people. I honestly don't want them to fall for this trap and I strongly suggest that all adults around them be more vigilant in taking care of their young ones. I did have people that I idolized in the past but I didn't idolize them enough to hurt myself. I don't think Justin Bieber wants his fans to get hurt. I am NOT a Justin Bieber fan but who in their right mind would want something this bad on others? I think only bad people who have bad intentions want this to happen and why should we let it happen? We shouldn't. Everybody knows that. This is definitely a no brainer.

Because I was curious and at the same time, dumbfounded and disgusted by this latest trend, I decided to investigate and know what the fuss is all about. Well, it turns out that pictures of Justin Bieber smoking weed turned out in the media last week and some people have decided to get his attention by cutting themselves with high hopes that by doing so, they will make him stop being addicted to smoking weed. Whether or not these people are real Justin Bieber fans or are posers still remains to be seen. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me who started this trend, what matters most is how it is going to affect other people. When one is obsessed with something, he/she will do everything and anything for it. If a die hard fan found out about this campaign and ended up believing it then he/she would end up cutting himself/herself. Sad but that's how it goes.

This trend is seriously not taking into consideration the seriousness and the dangers of cutting which is common among young people. Inflicting harm on one's self is not cool. Cutting one's self is a sign that one has suicidal thoughts which one might be able to suceed with or not. Suicide is no laughing matter. Because of this trend catching on, it is no wonder that even Miley Cyrus, who is said to be Justin Bieber's pal, is getting in on the act. I agree with what she said that there nothing funny about cutting. The trend might have taken the world by storm but not everybody responded accordingly. Some fans might have did it but others decided to cut other things instead like paper or anything that doesn't involve them getting hurt. Those who don't want anything to do with the trend have either been outraged by it while some idly stood by just watching everything horrific and gruesome scene unfold.

As millions continue to upload pictures of their arms being cut and bleeding on the internet, I guess some people are really that influential on others to the extent that they can influence them to even hurt themselves or take their lives away. Now, I am left asking until when will this trend continue and do they know the repurcussions of their actions? Will Justin Bieber become just another wasted pop star with a mean drug addiction? As a fan, will you ever go through great lengths just to show your devotion for your idol? When is doing something too far? Do young people not value their lives anymore? I am still pondering on these things at the moment and honestly, I am not happy with these unsettling thoughts especially since I will have my own young one soon. I wonder if the world that my child will live in will be something like this. I seriously hope not.

A Twitter post of a fan who apparently loves Justin Bieber too much for comfort. I guess we need to alert her parents about this soon.

Bad News Again? Whatever Happened To Good News?

Reading the news saddens me. Why? Well, I feel like there is more bad news than good news lately. Senseless killings are becoming more rampant. I don't get why some people would use guns, load them up and start shooting at innocent people. To me, I think these people are all either crazy, undergoing something serious in their lives or perhaps are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Their actions can never be justified. Their reasons can never be valid especially after they have already dealt some serious damages on innocent people's lives. I can't imagine how many families mourned for their losses. I can't imagine how these criminals will be able to payback their sins. Perhaps seeing them all dead would be the best solution of all. Inhumane? I guess so but was killing all those people humane as well? You decide.

Apart from all the killings, there are also those raping incidents as well as sexual assaults or harassment ones. I am a woman and I know my rights. I believe that I have the right to defend myself if I am going to be sexually harassed, assaulted or even raped. I don't think the women or even the young girls who were victims of these cases deserved being victims. Should I blame them for the clothes they wear? Should I blame them for provoking their assailants? Honestly, I don't know. To me, women shouldn't wear revealing clothes if they want to be respected in public. They should dress right, act right and most of all speak right. Whatever happened to being a proper lady? I guess all that along with the proper etiquettes and manners of being a lady has gone out the window. I thought we should be progressing since we are becoming more modern in many different ways but I guess there are some things that aren't progressing despite us moving forward to a better age. The recent death of a gang rape victim in India might have sparked an outrage in the country but such an incident can happen everyday. It can happen to anyone and hopefully, it doesn't happen to me or to anyone that you know of because we all know that these incidents never end up pretty.In some countries, women who have become victims to these crimes are given no other options but to either marry one of their assailants or to live a life of shame. Either way, both will make their lives miserable and definitely a living hell. Whatever happened to women's rights and equality?

I feel bad for everyone. I feel bad for the world. Is this the price we pay for all the modernization our world is going through? Is it still a safe world to live in? Will it be safe in the future for our children and the next generation after that? I used to say to myself that I should always read the news or if not know the news in order to be updated with the current happenings around the world but after so many depressing news recently, I don't think I want to read the news as often as I do anymore. If all I will ever read about it bad news then I would rather not know about them anymore. Reading bad news is stressful and at the same time can result to needless worrying. I don't want to be a victim to that anymore. Will there ever more good news than bad? I hope so. Otherwise, I would rather be a hermit and an ignoramus about the world than to know it all. Ignorance can be blissful especially if you want to stay away from unnecessary stress. Don't you think so too?

I want more good news than bad. Will that ever be possible? I don't know but I hope so. We all deserve to live in a better world so why don't we all try to make it better. Shouldn't we all be the change that we would like to see in this world? Just saying.