Thursday, September 29, 2011

I was never typical but so what?

I don't understand why I can't be like other girls or women around me. I guess I am different. I have always been. Growing up, I didn't feel like a girl at all. I was a tomboy, plain and simple. I preferred legos and guns over barbie dolls and make believe make up sets. I always liked dressing in rugged but comfortable shorts and pants rather than in frilly skirts and lacey dresses. I never did like putting lotion on my skin or putting lip gloss on my chapped lips. Funny how even if I know I wasn't acting like most girls, I still kept my hair long. I liked it when my hair had different ponytails or clips or better yet when I had to sport different hairstyles. Apparently though being different isn't always a good thing. Growing up, I never really realized that being what I was would cause me trouble in the future. In my younger years, I didn't mind playing with boys in our neighborhood or even in school. I remember playing the games that they used to play. I was happy and innocent back then. 

I started playing with dolls when I was already about 10 and it was also the time when I realized how different I was. Most of my female classmates would make fun of me for being too close to my male classmates. They would tease me that I acted more masculine than feminine and that I wore shorts that looked like a boy's under my school uniform. They made rumors of me being a slut even if I didn't even know what that was then. I was shocked to find out all these things. What is even more shocking is that the person that told me about it is someone who isn't even close to me. She was a lot older to me and being the new girl in school, truly was difficult. My life changed and it was a harsh wake-up call. When I found out all the things that was said about me, I grew angry of myself. I felt like I should belong somehow but how? Naturally, I had to make friends but even that wasn't easy. 

As you know, there were mean girls in my school, who apparently had standards about people becoming their friends. I didn't have any so I decided to aim high. I wanted to become a part of their group. Talk about being ambitious. I did everything they asked me to do for them apart from the hanging out with them bit. I bought food for them, waited in line for them, tried to do their homeworks and their projects too. That was foolish of me. I never knew that I was already being used. In the end, I never really got into their group of friends. They said that I wasn't girly enough to be a part of it. That enraged me but it was also the time when I realized that I should embrace what I truly am. I found friends later on that eventually became real friendships. Athough I never really experienced being in an all girl group of friends before. I never knew what it was like to be 100 percent girly. 

As I became an adult, I did have a group of girl friends but apparently, I guess it was too late for me to reform my ways. My group of girl friends, didn't go to a salon to get our hair done or to get our nails painted, instead we went to the arcade to play some games or we went to the court to shoot some hoops. We never went shopping together, instead we went ghost hunting together. The clothes that we wore weren't fashionable and they definitely did not make us look feminine at all. Somehow when I think about it now, I realize that maybe my life would have been different if I became different. I don't really know how my life would have turned out but I believe it would have been classier and a lot posher than what I have now. But there is no use thinking about that now as it is already a bit too late for it.

I guess no matter how I try to change what I really am, I can never do so. Besides, why should I? If there is one thing that I have learned in the 26 years of my life, it is the fact that you can never please everybody and that being normal if overrated. Being just yourself is the way to go if you want to get the true happiness that you seek in this life and if you change, change because you want it for yourself not because other people want it for you. Nobody can dictate what you should be and shouldn't be in this life. You may be strange, you may be different to them but that is only because you are special. If only I knew that back then, then maybe I would have become a happier person. I just hope that more people will learn of this lesson sooner than I did. As my everlasting motto goes: "I am what I am and not what others say I am". Somehow I have to be content with who and what I am now even if this is not what others believe I should be.
So what if you aren't like anybody else? 

 Only a few people dare to be different. Why not be one too?

At the end of the day, that is the most important thing of all.

Never regret anything about you even if you know that you are different. You are different because that is what makes you unique and because being original is all about being just you.

Lost Again Naturally

There are days when I don't feel like myself. It's like I am in a life and in a body that is constantly changing and I have no control over both of them. Maybe I really am like other women. I always want to be in control of something and it gets really horrible when even something that includes you cannot be manipulated by you. I don't want to be in this kind of situation. Lately, there have been so many changes in my life and as I constantly adapt to it, I realize how different it is from my life in the past. No, I am not complaining but after almost a year of living it, I feel like I miss some parts of my old life. Married life is okay. I am happy with it but I have to admit that there are parts of my life now that I do not wish to be a part of. I don't think it is necessary for me to indicate them all here. Apart from that, ever since I got married, we decided to make sacrifices. Mostly were mine to begin with. Not working in an office has been a huge sacrifice for me as for the past 5 years, I have been working in an office and earning more than what I do now. 

Don't get me wrong, working at home is good since I can still do other things at the same time. Unfortunately, I am not earning more than I should and most of all, I am not stepping up to use my capabilities to the fullest. Right now, because of all the changes, I just feel depressed. Maybe that is the reason as to why no matter how hard I torture myself to work out everyday, I don't lose weight. Maybe I need to be busier with my life. Maybe I need to get back to working my ass off in an office. Maybe I need to be stressed again in order to be happier with myself. Maybe I don't need to torture myself to lose weight. I don't know what I feel now. I'm just confused lately. My self esteem is low and whenever I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is a fat blob walking around the house. It gets more horrifying when I tried on all the pants that I had in my closet. Shockingly, almost all of them do not fit me anymore. If not that, some of them are so old that they easily get ripped off already. I was pissed. This only means I have to replace my wardrobe before I go back to working in an office again and fast.

Buying a new pair of pants was my obective today. Just like what most females  would say: There is nothing better than a little shopping therapy. I don't think that works out for me but this time around, I think it did. Somehow having pants that fit me, made me smile. Luckily for me, there was a sale in a mall that I went to today which made me buy two pairs of new jeans. I know that solved my wardrobe problem but of course, it will just be a temporary fix when it comes to me and my self confidence. I badly need to be out. That is the only thing that I have in my head now. I need to get back to an actual working environment and not just my home. I need to be able to communicate with other people outside my home. People, who can and might be able to give me more interesting and intellectual conversations with, not just talking about the latest gossip or the latest problems that they have. I want to feel the thrill of promotion once again. I want to feel challenges. Maybe after being immersed in such situations, I will be able to pick myself up and feel not so gloomy anymore. 

Staying at home makes me different in many ways. Sure, I want to be the doting wife but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be doing other things with my spare time. By that I mean productive things that can help me earn more. Maybe if I earn more, I will be more confident with myself and my abilities again. Now, I feel like I have gotten rusty. Like a blade that hasn't been used for long, I feel the need to be sharpened yet again. I'm dull now. I just don't show it. Being this way only makes me more emotional and when that happens, I get to think about my other problems. One of which is the fact that I have been married for nearly a year now and yet, we still have not been successful in having a baby yet. Being scared of going to the doctor might be one reason as to why we do not know the reason yet as to why this is happening but I guess we should both conquer our fears soon. The unknown can be scary and when it comes to serious matters like this one, it might be difficult to know the truth. 

I don't want to be worried all the time. I don't want to be an emotional wreck. I don't want to be plain and dull. I miss how exciting I was. My life and my appearance may have changed but I am hoping that in time, I can go back to the fragments of my past for I believe that sometimes going back is still the best thing to do in these cases. I don't want to be useless. I want to be more useful now than I was before. I want to show myself and the world that I can still be what I used to be no matter what happens. With high hopes, I will be able to conquer these negative vibes soon. I just wish I can move on more quickly than I expect things to be for I can never move forward if I continue to think too much or if there are things that I should consider first as hindrances to success that awaits me. Hopefully, God will be able to guide me through this ordeal. Now, I wonder, is this a stage where soul searching comes in? Who knows what that truly is really? And if there truly is such a process, what are the steps to it and what do people expect to get from it? I guess for now, the first thing that I need to find is inner peace and unfortunately, I only have half of it. Will get back to you when I find the rest of it and all the other good parts connected to it.

I guess it is no surprise that I am lost again. Sometimes I find myself in a place where everything is moving too fast and I am moving too slow. I cannot cope with everything so quickly. Maybe I am not meant for that. All I know is right now, I feel the need to look for myself again as I feel like I have lost my way. Where is person that used to be me? I don't know really but I am not am empty shell living aimlessly at the moment. A part of me has just gone missing and if I ever want to feel whole again, I need to find it. I don't know when or where but I know I will get it back somehow. All I need is time...

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

My Poetry: The Night That Was

In the pale moonlight, there it waits in the mist
An old house that sits by the lake
A mournful cry is heard in the midst
At the air starts to get gloomy and thick
I could feel sadness all around

The smell was death was everywhere
It was mixed with the stench of a decaying corpse somwhere
Its foul smell I could sense by the door 
As I slowly moved to the window to see what was there
I saw a dark figured that wailed and moaned

As the candle's light flickered
The dark figure showed its face
It was an old woman, dressed in black and lace
Her dark eyes were swollen while her voice was coarse from screaming
She looked hollow and cold inside

Her cries sounded like a thousand tortured souls 
As tears poured down her cheeks, she looked cold and still
Then I see another figure before her, lying down on the floor
It was the corpse that I was looking for
I could see it starting to deteriorate from the core

She held this rotten flesh as she caressed it lovingly
She held it close to her chest, where her heart beats slowly
Her gaze focused on the unidentifiable corpse
I backed away from the window when I saw her remorse
She must have been close to him otherwise, she wouldn't be this distraught

As I left the scene, I let out a sigh
I couldn't bear the loneliness, as a tear fell from my eyes
My heart was moved as it was saddened
What I had seen tonight was a dreadful sight
Terror griped me but even misery engulfed me

I shook my head and walked away
Never looking back, never stopping by
As the wind blew on my face, I heard her again
I hurriedly left without even saying goodbye
I was a changed person after that night

The Story Of An Over Achiever

Sometimes there are some things in life that we usually take for granted. We may fail to realize some of them but sometimes it is the little things that matter more than the big things...

DISCLAIMER: Any similarities to situations and names of existing people is a mere coincidence. This short story is a product of both my imagination and somewhat my past experiences. I did not write this short story to tell everyone of my sad life story but rather I wrote this because it had a moral lesson that everybody should know of in the end. This might be able to serve as a warning or probably something enlightening. It all depends on how you take this all within. Happy Reading!

"Look at me. Acknowledge me." 

She wept as she craved for her father's attention. She looked at herself in the mirror that night. Seeing her reflection, her eyes swollen and red from all the crying, her hair a mess and her complexion pale. The little girl that she used to be is gone and now she's a teenager and yet, she has never felt appreciation nor love. Angry at what she sees, tears continue to fall from her eyes as she punches the mirror in front of  her. A part of the glass cracks and then shatters into  many pieces. Blood oozed from her knucles, she decided to clean herself up and the mess she's made. After getting everything sorted out, she heads to bed to finally get some rest. She closes her eyes only to dream about her childhood.

Life wasn't always awkward and miserable in their house. She used to love spending time with her parents as a kid. They would laugh, hug, go out somewhere and just have a lot of fun together. She was close to them as they were to her. Back then everything was so perfect. Too bad that sometimes some things do come to an end. As her parents had to leave her to work in another country, she was forced to live with her grandparents. She loved them too but they could never replace her parents. As the years passed and they just kept on visiting, she wished they would take her with them but all her pleas did not work on them. Instead, she continued to grow without them. Harboring no hatred for them, she decides to just do her best in life. 

The time came when she heard that she will finally be joining them. Excited for this, she was naive to think that nothing has changed but unfortunately it has. She arrived at her new home to greet them. She was happy but as time flew, she realized that things will never be the same again. The loving father she once knew was now cold and stern. He rarely smiled now as he is almost always angry and annoyed with almost everything. She wanted to understand him and so she tried. As he kept on ignoring her, she realized that she needed to get his attention. But how? She decided that the best way to make him notice her was to show him that she could be good in something.

She endured the changes. She missed her old friends and her other family members back home. Most of all, she missed being in the country where she grew up but she coped. She wanted to show him she could achieve something for him to be proud of her. She tried many times but like what they say. You can't win everything. So, she won some and she lost some but despite all her hard work, her efforts, her time, her devotion, her passion and her cause, she still did not get anything from him. At times when she lost, she even remember him being angry at her. She was confused and didn't know what to do. What could she be doing wrong? She was miserable and she was clueless. She had nothing else in mind but to please. Unfortunately, what she did was never enough. She cried in her sleep that night.

The next day, she talked to her mother about her dilemma. Her mother knew of this so well as she is his partner and have been living with him for many years. She consoled her and told her how much he loved her. She said that he just doesn't know how to express how he feels so sometimes instead of acting like he cares, he accidentally hurts that person in the process through the words that he uses or the action that he shows. She wanted to ask her if he loved her but she knew that her mother would just tell her that he did. There was no point in getting the same response over and over again. So despite his indifference, she still went on with her conquest. She joined every single competition she knew, studied hard and did every other extra curricular activity she could do that can help her be busy and achieve something at the same time. 

As the years flew by, she had grown into an intelligent young woman, strong and opinionated. She was filled with dreams of grandeur and hopes of becoming more than what she was. She continued striving hard and giving everything her all. People thought she was doing everything she could for herself but little did they know that she was actually just trying to seek her father's approval. It may not matter to anyone else but she knew it mattered to her a lot. But after many years nothing really ever changed. She felt defeated. She didn't know what to do anymore. She wanted to felt loved and appreciated. She wanted him to look at her and smile. She wanted him to embrace her, praise her or better yet show her that he was proud of her for once. She knew it wasn't asking much. She kept on trying to impress him but all she ever got was him telling her things that would eventually hurt her and harden her up. She wanted to open her heart to him but how can she when all he ever does is turn her away? 

After feeling like a failure, she decided to quit as none of it matters now as he never really cared. As she was about to go to her car that night to drive back to her home, an accident happened. As she was about to cross the road, a car went speeding by. It swerved from one side to another and before she could react, it was too late. The car hit her hard and it sent her flying to the pavement. With blood in her hands and all over her body, she knew it was the end for her. It was midnight and there was no one there to help her. She would die alone and miserable and for what? She closed her eyes and felt warm tears fall from her bloody cheeks. It is too late now. She can never go back and aim to please for this was her last night to live. Breathing her last, she grabs her phone from her bag and sends out a message to both her parents. With her last strength, she tells them that she loves them. As she closed her eyes once more, she felt her heart beating slowly now. Her breathing was becoming weezy and she was becoming weak. Will she be appreciated now that she is gone? Only time will tell. Then, she suddenly hears a siren approaching to her but alas it was too late. She was already cold and dead when they got there. Without a pulse and having lost so much blood, she was declared dead on the spot.

Her parents did know of the said tragedy and was surprised as they were woken up by someone at the door. Her mother suddenly felt weak in the knees as she heard of the grave news. Her father held on to her mother with tears starting to form from his eyes. He felt guilty and he regreted not being able to tell her how much she meant to him and how proud he had been. Nobody saw it coming and nobody knew that it would end that way. He gave her tough love despite all her kindness and this is what happens next. As her mother finally tries to realizes what really happened, she sees him breaking down in tears. He cllutched his chest with his hand, beating it hard with his fist. It was too late for regrets now or for apologies. She was no longer there. She is nothing more than a memory now and there was nothing he could do to console himself off his grief. If only he had changed sooner maybe there would have been a better chance. If only he didn't drive her away, maybe she would have been alive today. 

Life is short and it can never be filled with regrets. If you love someone, tell them about it and never let a day pass by without doing so for you will never know when you will be able to say it last. It was a hard lesson that he learned that night and there was no turning back. 

Remembering The Disaster That Was

If you were in the Philippines in September 2009 then you would know of the great disaster that took everyone by surprise. It is a typhoon named Ondoy. Many lives and properties were lost due to this calamity and as I look back on the damages, the past reports, the stories, second hand accounts and so on, I realize how much time has passed since it happened last. Ondoy did catch everyone off guard. Nobody knew that the non-stop not so heavy rain pour for days would cause floods of massive proportions. It wasn't long before the water started rising and there was nowhere else left to go. So many people didn't want to leave their houses, their properties as well as their things which is most of them tried to find shelter somewhere near their place which ultimately led them to being stranded. Some people on the other hand braved the water and brought their loved ones as well as some things that they might need in order to find a safer place to stay. Nobody knew it was coming and nobody was prepared. In this kind of calamity it showed us that whether you are rich or poor, you willl still end up being affected by it. This kind of disaster is something bigger than all of us combined. It might Mother Nature's way of lashing out on us as well for being so careless of the world we live in.

Me, my parents (both 50 somethings but my Dad works abroad so he wasn't there when Ondoy hit our country) and my younger sister who has mild cerebral palsy and uses a wheelchair used to live in Youngstown Village, Cainta. We moved to Mission Hills, Antipolo either on the same year or a year before Ondoy actually happened. I was stuck at work when it did and being in Ortigas, Pasig City, I didn't know what was going on outside. I only found out what was going on when my mother told me to stay in the office and not go home since all the roads are heavily flooded. I immediately went to our pantry and saw some of my co-workers watching the news. I saw the live coverage of the flood in different places and I recognized some places along Pasig and Cainta that made me realize how serious this was. I immediately asked my mother if they were alright and if the flood did not reach our new house. Luckily for us, our new house wasn't affected. My mom was also able to fetch my aunts, my grandmother and my cousin from Angono, Rizal knowing that it is prone for both floods and landslides. They all stayed in my home as I constantly sent them messages to say that I am okay and that I will come home as soon as the flood's water level becomes lesser and the roads become passable again. 

Unfortunately, I had to endure being at work for another night as the roads only became passable again by Monday morning. As the jeepney I was riding into passed by Cainta, I was shocked to see that there were so many unusual things that you would see on the road. There were cars that were flipped upside down, some people gathering their things and there was mud everywhere. I felt like I was in a post apocalyptic world or better yet in a war zone. There was chaos everywhere. I was glad to be able to get home that morning. As I tuned in on the news, I realized how many people lost their lives, their properties and most of all, their things in the said calamity. I said a silent prayer for all of them. I was overwhelmed by the different situations everybody had to be in and I wished I was a superhero somehow in order to rescue those in need however I wasn't. So, I merely stood and watched. Sending relief goods and sending out prayers were the only things that me and my family were able to do. I cringed at the thought of me and my family being stuck in our home in Cainta if we actually still lived there when it happened. I probably would not have forgiven myself for being at work when my family needed me most. I guess we were just lucky to have survived it all but I know that not a lot of people were as fortunate as we were. I had friends and relatives that I had to make sure were safe after the incident. I was just glad that all of them were okay. 

So, why am I remembering Ondoy now anyway? Sure, it happened years ago but that doesn't mean that we should go about forgetting about it. I may not be sure if such a thing would happen again anytime soon but I think it would be better to be vigilant as well. Maybe God is trying to tell us to change or maybe Mother Nature is trying to tell us to take care of our surroundings better, we don't really know. But I know that mankind still has hope of becoming united when we are all faced with great challenges such as these. The Philippines might not have been 100 percent ready for Ondoy but at least it tried to do what it could to save those who were affected. It's 2011 now and we have survived while some have lived to tell their tales of bravery or fear, others will go on living remembering what they had lost and never wanting to live the nightmare all over again. Our lives are short, that is a fact so we might as well do what we can to make our lives better while we still can. Let's just hope and pray that our country will be spared the next time something like Ondoy ever hits the Philippines again but if it does happen, let's make sure to be more prepared this time. This goes out not only to those who are in high positions in government sects or agencies out there but also to us, simple individuals, who should do everything to survive. Ondoy was indeed a tragedy that willl forever be etched in the minds and hearts of those who were here in the country when it happened. Let it serve as lesson to us all.

It has been two years since Ondoy hit our country. 
What have we learned from then?

Domestic Violence - It Happens To Everyone

Just recently as I was watching the news, I saw a famous reality show housewife come out and admit that she was indeed a battered wife. Many people were shocked with her admission and were even more shaken when she released hard evidence of what had been happening to her. In the past years, I have heard of other more famous celebrities who have publicly admitted to be beaten by their partners, boyfriends and husbands.  Celebrities like Rihanna and Farrah Fawcett-Majors are strong and empowered women who their fans look up to as role models but what happens when even their fame, power and fortune did not save them from such a tragic fate? Ultimately, it is said that for famous people like them, the humiliation is multipllied tenfold. If such a thing happened to a regular woman who had nothing else but her life or those that she loved to protect then it the humiliation isn't as much but still it is a devastating part of any woman's life.

I am a woman and I do not understand why women stay in such abusive relationships but I guess it is easier said than done for others. There are many conflicting reasons that only women like them would probably understand as to why they choose to stay. Let me name some of them... 

1. Probably and almost always due to love.  Yes, they love their partners, their boyfriends and their husbands despite the fact that they hit them when they got drunk and what's worse even when they are sober. Love is a very blinding thing indeed. 

2. They don't know where else to go as they do not have anybody else aside from their partners, boyfriends and husbands. Women who are faced with this kind of dilemma often have to sacrifice freedom ultimately because they are scared to be alone and feel like they cannot survive without their respective other halves.

3. It gets more complicated when there are kids involved. Yes, that's right. Children are often victims to their parents' falling out but sometimes because of these children involved, mothers need to stay and pretend like they are a normal and happy family even when it is all a lie. They try to make it work even if in reality, the kids might already know what is happening but do not want to be without their fathers or be in a broken home.

4. Lastly, I blame society for sometimes being biased when it comes to women leaving their partners, boyfriends or husbands. Society is always quick to judge without even knowing or getting the facts straight first. If a man hits a woman or threatens a woman life, is it not a serious reason for her to leave him and save everyone else that she loves from his wrath? What would take the society to open their eyes, ears and most of all their hearts to these kinds of situations that are becoming common scenarios of families today. Domestic Violence is a crime and no matter how much we value family values, I think we should all consider that this is not something that just be brushed aside.

Knowing people close to you become victims to this kind of crime only makes it worse. I feel bad for them and their children to have suffered so much in the hands of their cruel husbands. I don't really understand as to why such men do it to them but I guess it is really difficult to understand a crazy person's mind. Would you hurt someone you love repeatedly and then plead that they stay in the end just because you promised that you would change? Rubbish! Sure, giving a person another chance is good but giving a person multiple chances to abuse you and make use of you as an ashtray, a doormat or a rug is just not fair. Women must learn to value what they are in society. They must learn to fight and become more aware of these things. Victims of domestic violence often have a hard time dealing with their traumatic experiences however a good group of friends and family members who will support them can make all the changes somewhat easier. If you know any women who are in abusive relationships then I suggest that you report it immediately to the authorities. Reporting such incedents doesn't mean that you are meddling in other people's lives but rather protecting and perhaps even saving them from the dangers that's to come sooner or later. Let's be more responsible by becoming more vigilant. Domestic violence can happen to anyone. It can even happen to you. So act up before it is too late.

I just realized that not only women and children can be victims of domestic violence. Just recently there have been reports that even men have fallen prey to such acts. I just hope that all of us will be able to promote awareness against this kind of crime that can happen to anyone. If you know someone who is being beaten by their partners, parents and spouses then be brave enough to report it. For ignoring what is happening to those around you might be something you will end up regretting in the end. Please let us all stop being blind to these things. Let us all open our eyes, listen carefully and most of all, fight for what is right. Love and violence should never co-exist in one home and you have the power to prevent it. 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

What ever happened to my side of the story?

As time passes by, I grow weary of this world filled with negativity. What the hell is with all this hate? Why can't we all just get along for once? I am tired of all the accusations, the backstabbing, the false rumors and the made up stories. I cannot go on living this life  being hated because of those things and because of all the half truths and the white lies that seem to cover up most of the real story so far. I am tired of being pushed around just because I did not do what others thought would be better for me. I am still sensitive because of this and I still cry when I come face to face with such experiences. I really didn't want to bring all the bitter experiences that had happened to me in the past but sometimes I just need a break from it all. Sometimes I wish there was a reset button in my life or perhaps a big eraser to be able to erase the bad things that have happened to me. I want to forget things and start over but how can I when there are more people who do not believe in me and instead just want to bring me down because they think it is what I deserve after everything?

Probably one of the biggest heartbreaks that ever happened to me was when my father and I had a falling apart. It has been a year now and still I am left hurting. I still cry profusely at the mere mention of what had happened. Only a select few know the exact details as to why it happened and because I kept my mouth shut about everything that had happened, I am now being branded by so many people out there and even those among my relatives as the black sheep of the family. It was not like I wanted to have a falling out with him. I know I might have done things that weren't right but that doesn't mean that I should have been made an outcast to the only family that I had. I love them all no matter how much negativity some of them have against me. I am trying to fix the rift between us however I guess time heals all wounds. I have backed off for the mere reason that being rejected and ignored has only made me feel more unwanted. I have tried apologizing and have done my best to explain my side but how can I when I am already being labeled with many bad names by everyone? I'm just confused at this point but I am trying to be strong.

There are some things in my life that were probably not meant to happen and I do not blame anybody else for those failures but myself. I have been given countless opportunities and yet I screwed them up. I may not be at my lowest now but I remember being in that situation so many times before. I have failed not only myself but those still believed in me. I have regarded myself as empty and hollow as I am never ever something that I really wanted to be. Like a robot, I felt like I should just keep on following what society dictates me to be. I can never be just me. I may have been surrounded by things that should have made me happy but I felt like something was lacking. Can society really dictate what makes you happy and whole again? Are we not human beings who were given freedom to choose and decide for ourselves? Wouldn't those things be rendered useless if everything else is dictated and directed? I felt like a caged bird and needed to break free. I wanted to do things that nobody understood and that is where the problems started arising. Being opinionated made me feel like I was too proud of myself because they perceived me to be that way. Being open to new ideas and being free spirited made me feel that I was wild and out of control. I was totally misunderstood. 

Starting over is not easy. As much as I want to do it, I don't  think it will ever properly happen for me. Like a rocket that has failed to launch, that is how I compare what starting over is like for me. I am always waiting for things to happen in my life when I realize that it can never really happen in the end. I guess that is the perfect recipe of failure. I have had so many failures in this life that I have so many regrets already and now, here I am adding more to it. Why? Because people make me feel like I should regret my recent actions and decisions only because they did not match with theirs. I respect what they think but I hope they will too. For respect is a two way thing. Respect begets respect. I don't want to be labeled as something that I am not merely because I do not conform to what the majority wants. I am not a bad person. I am merely misunderstood. I can go on explaining myself to people all day and still not all of them might end up understanding me. I may have had radical approaches and bad judgements in the past but that doesn't mean that I haven't done anything successful and good with my life. I am not useless and most of all, I am not an ingrate. I appreciate every single thing that has made me what I am today and I wouldn't be what I am now if not for those around me. I am eternally grateful to them.

My life is like a drama series being played on TV. Many negative situations have happened to me. Some I have kept to myself while others, I have shared with others. I have had so many painful and life changing experiences in the past that has molded me into the person I am today. I may not be perfect but rather flawed however I am strong. I fight for what I think is right. I am a rebel, whose cause is uncertain to those who do not want to be open to what I believe in. I may not always have things my way but at least I am trying. I may have been selfish in the past because I admit to have done things that have hurt others but I hope that people realize that I have made ammends in the end and that whatever I have done or said might have been for a greater purpose in the end. All I ask is for people to listen and try to be more understanding. As my life can be an open book to those who are willing to let me enter their lives without them judging me. There will always be another side to every story that you hear and sometimes it is best to listen to both sides first before choosing which side you will be on. I am almost always the silent victim in every heartbreaking moment that I have been into and now, I want to take a stand and break that vicious cycle. I just hope that more people will let me...
If you want to hate me, hate me for the right reasons and before you do, do some investigating first. There are always two sides to every story and sometimes you need to listen to both sides first before you can decide on what to do about it. Unfortunately, it seems that my side is often left unheard. It is such a pity that some people are just broadminded. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

My Roller Coaster Weekend

My weekend wasn't exactly how I planned it to be. Most of the things that happened to me were unexpected except for the actual fact that September 11 was actually my younger sister and my father's birthday. With that being said, it was supposed to be a happy weekend but too bad it wasn't. Along with the good news came the bad news. I received news of one of my grandmothers' death last Friday afternoon. She was 88 years old and had died due to complications. She had already gone blind because of her eye condition and through the years, she had become frail and weak. During her last months, she could no longer walk and already found it difficult to eat as well. She had been well loved by most of our family members and I'm sure that my mom's mother, her younger sister, will terribly miss her. The last time that we ever saw her alive was last last weekend but unfortunately this weekend, we already saw her in her coffin. At least, we still got to see her before she left the world of the living. 

Due to the fact that someone had died in our family that only means that we cannot have any kind of grand celebration whatsoever but since it was my sister's birthday, we decided to just eat out together with my other relatives, do a little shopping then afterwards, go our separate ways. We ate out at a restaurant called KKK. They have a newly opened branch at the ground floor of SM Megamall. We have eaten at the same restaurant before but in another location. We ordered so many local dishes with a fancy twist like Sinigang na Lechon, Special Okoy, Binagoonang Pork, Garlic Squid and so on. Although we knew that the dishes were all native dishes, we still thought that the food that they served us were pretty different. The ambiance of the place was good and the staff were very friendly. They all attended to our needs right away. Not to mention that we were given some free Suman Churros with chocolate dip for dessert. Over all even if we did have certain comments about the dishes that we had, everything was appetizing.

While the latecomers continued to eat, my cousin, Rain was getting bored and wanted to go to the arcade. Unfortunately, her parents were still busy taking care of her younger brother, Rian or if not that, eating as well. My husband and I decided to take her instead. We went to Timezone and had some fun playing the games that she chose to play. We all had fun playing kiddie hoops, dance maniax and so on. After an hour, her parents collected her and they departed while we stayed with Mom and Jonee during their shopping. We helped them pick out a new school bag and successfully found one. We also looked for a pair of shoes for both my grandmother and my sister but failed to find designs that they both liked. We then went to the toy store to buy a foam matt that my sister needed for her therapy. After the short shopping trip, we headed back to my other grandmother's wake to see all our other relatives there. To wrap it all up, my weekend has been filled with ups and downs. Sure, we did have fun and enjoy spending time with our loved ones but at the same time, we also felt sad due to the loss of our loved one. That weekend was definitely an emotional rollercoaster for all of us. R.I.P Lola Maxima "Emmang" Sabado Mina. May your soul rest in peace. We Love You and We Will Miss You. You shall be remembered forever.

Mantrums: Looks Like Not Only Women Have Them

Picture this...You and your partner strolling in the mall after eating lunch at a nearby restaurant. You then decide to watch a movie together but it doesn't start until two hours so you decide to hang out at the nearest coffee shop where you just talked for hours. As you realized that the movie was about to start, you go to the cinema to watch the movie. After watching a good romantic comedy movie for not doing so for such a long time, you go to an arcade to play some games to relive your younger years. You have fun and despite the fact that you were tired, at the end of tha day, it was still a perfect date. Everything was perfect until as you are on your way home, something petty happens that ruins everything. How would you feel if that happened to you? I am sure you would be pissed too. Well, I know I was but at the same time, I was confused too. At that moment, I just wanted to roll my eyes at him and just tell him to stop the drama but it looks like it wouldn't actually work so I figured talking it out would be a more appropriate approach but I guess even that was wrong.

I guess tantrums are common not only with women but also with men. If I could give a nickname for such an episode that men have, I would probably call it a "mantrum". I admit that I experience throwing tantrums every now and then but to have a man throw them over even pettier reasons is just strange. Sometimes I realize that one day cannot last with him and me in a perfect and happy way. I'm afraid of such days and sometimes think that when we are at our highest or at our happiest, I'm scared that it will all just go away. I don't want things to go wrong which will only end up with him ignoring me while I continue wondering what went wrong. The worse scenario would be that he wouldn't like talking to me. Honestly, I am baffled by such instances. I guess "mantrums" are normal too especially because I have experienced them first hand from some of the men in my life. Namely my husband and my father. Now, I wonder whether such a thing exists in all men out there or is it just a selective thing. I don't know the answer to that one either but if you know someone who has experienced something like this then I guess it is a pretty universal thing. Good luck with that. But anyway, regardless of all the sudden "mantrums" that my husband suddenly throws which always catches me off guard, I guess I will just have to understand him and be more patient when it comes to being in a relationship with him. I just hope that all the other women out there who have had the same experiences with their family members or partners would be willing to do the same. 
Never confront anyone with a tantrum with another tantrum for a fire cannot be put off but fire as well. The other person needs to know that it is better to back down when needed be so that the situation will be diffused immediately. It may not be in my nature to back down but I do whenever the situation calls for it. I am sure my partner would do the same thing for me too. Patience is the key in these kinds of situations.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Why Do Things Always Have To Change?

I don't know exactly why things have to change but I know that sometimes changes just happen. Change is like an unstoppable force, most of the time. No matter how hard we fight it. It almost always manages to win. Many things may change but there are still things that remain the same. Although much of time has passed, there are still things that have not grown or evolved in time. Can something stay the same in our ever changing world? The answer in fact is an astounding yes. No, we may not be able to control time or control how the way things rapidly change around us but at least, we are lucky enough to know some things that will forever stay the same. For example, no matter how many changes Michael Jackson has had in his appearance until his untimely death, he shall forever remain as one of the kings of pop or no matter how many times we try to change how we look like, we shall forever be known as who and what we are. Not unless we try to alter everything that others know of us drastically. All I am saying is that change is constant around us and sometimes it is hard for us to welcome these changes but come to think of it, change can only be present in some forms but never really entirely. So as much as we hate change, we must find comfort in the fact that some things are just the way they are. 

I am not a huge fan of constant changes although I know that changes are rather inevitable and have become a part of our daily lives. Why do I hate change? I hate it for many reasons. I hate it when things change because somehow I feel like it resets everything and starting over from nothing without regarding any of the efforts that I have done somehow feels sad for me. For example, when one of my friends had to move to another country to live there with her parents, before leaving me and the rest of our friends, we were very close to each other. In the years that passed that we weren't together, we tried to make sure that our friendship remained the same. I remember the constant exchange of letters that we had. As well as the pictures and the postcards. Yes, e-mails weren't so famous back then yet which is why we had to wait for the post to arrive so we made sure for everything that we sent, we made them long and memorable. Much time has passed when I realized things were starting to change between us. I have been constantly writing her but unlike her usual long letters, they became shorter and shorter. Until, her letters became fewer and fewer. At first, I understood and thought of many reasons why she couldn't write to me but as time passed by, I realized that many things have changed. We drifted apart through the years and when we saw each other again, it just wasn't the same anymore. Tragic huh? I know but that's life.

I know that no matter how common changes are in our lives, we still want to experience something that will not change or fade. Although we know that is impossible, we still keep on hoping that one day, we will know something that is that way. Some who do not want to ask for too much just say that if things change, they just always hope that they change for the better and not the worse but if does change for the worse then there is nothing else I can do it about it but live with it. One biggest example of this is love. Love is a feeling. It is often describe as an intense emotion that empowers us to do things that we never really imagined possible. We know that love can change us and most of all, break us. Most men and women out there would like a love that will never change in time. They want a kind of love that becomes stronger and more passionate in time. But how can we ever have that? Is it even possible to have it? Or are they simply figments of our imaginations? I may not know the answer to that but I hope that there is that kind of love. For I know that I am willing to give a love so great and unwavering and I know that I deserve to get the same thing in return. But it isn't about gaining anything or getting what you really want in return. All that matters is that this kind of love reaches you and somehow stays with you. 

Do you believe in change? I am torn whether to say yes or no to that one. Sure, maybe I do when it comes to other things but I am not entirely sold on the word itself. Life may change constantly without us knowing it but don't you just wish that sometimes time will stop and let things just stand still for a moment. I wonder what will happen then. I guess time and change go hand in hand in many ways and both of them go by so fast. Sometimes I don't want things to go by so quickly and instead just see things unravel before my eyes. But I guess changes are necessary. No matter how much we dislike them. But what happens when we find ourselves having a hard time accepting these changes? Then I guess the answer is pretty obvious. Life will not exactly be impossible but it would rather be filled with complications. Changes happen even as we speak. We hold no control over them. They happen even if we don't want them to. So, what else can we do to them but just live with them. Life isn't as easy as we thought it would be, I know, but we can always learn to live with that. Also bear in mind that changes happen for a reason. You may not approve of their reasons but they will still happen just the same. I may be a skeptic when it comes to change but I guess sometimes I just have to give it a chance somehow. It wouldn't hurt to try. Don't you think so too?

Change is not welcome to other people. Which is why some of them often have their own reasons why they choose not to change. I guess they have the right to stay the same just as those who believe that changing is everything. To each his own, I say.

 Change eventually molds us. It apparently makes us change even if we don't want to. We are affected by everything around us so I guess I can blame other factors for why people constantly change. This is also applicable for other non human things around us. Just like in the law of motion: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Maybe that's really how it goes.
 I may sound like a fool right now but sometimes I believe that some things will stay the same forever. No matter how many times this has been proven to me as impossible. Who cares? I still wish it were true.

Maybe this is applicable for some relationships but I do not want to believe that this is something that happens in every relationship there is. Love grows and evolves in time and if you know that you and your partner are together at the process then why stop it? When instead you should be cherishing it and reliving a fairy tale of your own every single day of your life. Wouldn't that be something?

This is something that I truly believe in. This has happened to me way too many times but still I am not afraid to make new friends who could possibly be my best friends someday. Who knows? 

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Unlucky Me

I can't say that I am the queen of unluckiness, misfortunes or bad luck but I can say that I have had my share of it one too many times. So I decided to make a list of all the bad things that happened to me in the past. Let's just say they were filled with mixed emotions. I felt embarrassed, angry, ashamed and at the same time foolish. Looking back at all of them makes me laugh now but I still can't deny the fact of how I felt during those times. I just hope they never happen to me again anytime soon. I don't think I can ever rank them or put them in proper order but I am positively certain of sharing them all to you now so if you are ready to hear about my mishaps then here goes...

1. Falling down a wide staircase made of cement at an amusement park. 
It was during a field trip back in elementary in Oman. Only a few people saw it and nobody dared to laugh at me but then again I know most of them were already laughing inside the whole time. I didn't want to mention it to anyone after that. It was like something that I wanted to be forgotten.

2. Bad mouthing someone without realizing he/she was actually near me or behind me. 
Not like I meant it. I merely said the truth but then again I guess it was bad to do it behind their back. Yes, that was my fault.

3. Experiencing Diarrhea while on my way to my college and eventually had to go down the jeepney to knock in one of houses' doors to use their toilet but when I got there I realized I was beyond help and that I needed to wash my underwear. (EWW! GROSS!) 
Good thing the family was understanding and decided to help me. They asked me to just change into their daughter's clothes while they washed my pants and underwear in the washing machine. Thank God for Good Samaritans!

4. Riding in an FX and arriving at work only to find out my jeans/pants was ripped in the crotch area. This happened two times. 
One time was when I still worked full time in my hubby then boyfriend's office. I asked him to bring anything I could borrow for that day so he saved me. Second time was when I was working in a different company which was why I had to buy myself my own pants to save myself from all the humiliation of walking around with my pants ripped.

5. Riding in a jeepney and arriving at work with my jacket/shirt ripped in the armpit area. 
When I got to the office, I first borrowed a stapler to put staple wire in the armpit area but as soon as it was my break time I immediately looked for some pins that I could buy to put in the armpit area of my jacket for the mean time.

6. While in a hurry to ride a bus, I avoided a woman walking slowly in front of me only to almost hit a blind man in front of me. 
I turned around but so did he so I ended up tripping in his stick and bending it but eventually riding the bus. It was only when I was already sitting down did I realize what had happened and I really felt sorry about it but I could no longer do anything as the bus already started moving.

7. Tripping in front of everyone in the middle of a busy street and sidewalk. While in a hurry to get to work, I walked in my high heels in front of McDonalds El Pueblo with my big laptop shoulder bag. I was too busy not trying to be late when I realized that there was a brick missing in the road so I tripped in the middle of a crowd that all stopped when it happened and what is more embarrassing is that all the vehicles stopped too because of the stop sign. Everybody saw me fell. I immediately stood up. Brushed myself up and smiled. All I could say was "I'm okay" then went back to walking. Yes, I could hear giggling and laughing and perhaps gossiping as well as I passed the people and the vehicles by but who cares? What happened already happened. I should just deal with it.

8. I ride a public transportation then go down my stop then realizing I accidentally forgot to pay my fare. (This happened almost a lot in college.)

9. Almost surprising someone who I thought was someone I knew but when I got closer I suddenly realized I was wrong but it was too late so in the end, I make a total fool of myself.
Like one time I was on my way home, I thought I saw an old office mate of mine who was passing through. I wanted to say hi to the person by trying to surprise him but as I was about to say "HUY" to this person, he turns around and catches me looking at him so I decide to go to the other direction and just ignore him as I realized he just looked like my old office mate but it wasn't really him. 

10. I see someone I know at an elevator or someplace public but don't know if he/she still remembers me so I decide to endure the awkward moment of being near them without greeting them and making them do the first move. 
If they do greet me then I will too but sometimes its more like we just look at each other altenately and then we eventually look at each other at the same time we just smile. Odd huh?

I am pretty sure there are more but these are the only things that I remember for now. Now you know that my life is filled with mishaps and misadventures. As much as I want to forget or erase most them in my head, I don't think I will be able to do so. So I might as well just share these embarrassing things to everyone to laugh about with high hopes that it would cheer them up on a gloomy rainy day or on a sad day filled misfortune. Don't worry; you are not alone.