"You are not the center of the world. It does not revolve around you. There are other things more important. There are other people who share the world with you. Just because you talk about you all the time doesn't mean you are the only thing that matters in this world. There are other things that do too."
-- A thought bubble. Whose is it? Mine.
-- A thought bubble. Whose is it? Mine.
I am dealing with the recent loss of my child which is why I post a lot of sad things about me lately. Writing here has made it somehow easier to deal with the pain. Although I know it will never be taken away by anything or anyone in this world, I still do it. Because just like many people who deal with hardship and negativity, I feel better afterwards. Most people would call it venting or ranting. In my case, I would call it as pouring my heart out and letting people in on how I truly feel so that they would understand me better.
The social media has always been with me. From the start of my pregnancy with Lilly until the very end, it was there. I have shared almost everything I can and want to everyone without thinking about how others would feel if they saw them. I am genuinely happy and thankful for those who have been there all through out -- through the good times and the bad. My life is like an open book especially because I let people in on what my life is like. Now, I am thinking if I should have kept it to myself.
Somehow, I am torn. If I did keep everything to myself then it would be like I wasn't proud of the things that have happened to me regardless if they good or bad. If I kept everything to myself and the people around me, I would have privacy for sure but now that I have lost a part of my life, a part of myself, I don't want to be alone. I need, I crave the company of others, their kind words, just someone to talk to. Silence makes me feel sad all over again which only makes the tears continue to fall. Should I have kept everything myself? I guess not.
But now after what has happened to me, I have already gotten that company. I have already gotten those kind words. Yet, sadness still creeps in and tears still continue from falling. Maybe this is part of the coping process. Maybe this really happens. Now, I feel like my life is at a stand still. Unmoving, unchanging. Filled with bittersweet memories of Lilly still alive and then dying. My life has always been dramatic. At least, that is how I see it. Many people say it is better than mundane but honestly, in these trying times, I beg to disagree.
Going online everyday and seeing how people's live change from one good thing to another or even a bad thing, I realized that we all go through these things. Some people are just luckier than others, I guess. I have lost a child and I was pregnant once but I know that there were other people from my friends who were pregnant too. When my child was born, I took pictures of her and posted them for all to see. I was proud of her and when she was taken away from me, I felt like the world was shattering before me. When my friends' babies were born, they did the same thing. Only they were luckier. I know they will be taking more pictures of their growing children soon while I and my husband try to recover and move on from our loss. Will we ever be given another child? I hope so. Hopefully, it will be healthier and it will not be taken away from us right away.
Seeing the success of others, their good fortune, has somehow gotten to me. I know I shouldn't feel envious but sometimes I do. Why? Because they are luckier than me. But I am going to try to let this feeling go. Negativity will just continue eating at me and I know that life goes on. The world is round. I will have my break soon. I don't know when. I don't know how. But I know something like that will happen to me. After all, everyone gets their break. Everyone deserves it. God has a plan, that is what they always say. So for now, I pray for patience and clarity. I pray that the way be shown to us somehow as I do not know how we will be able to get through this storm.
The world does not revolve around me. At least, that I know. Even if time stops and my life doesn't keep on going right now, I know that time won't stop and will keep on going for other people out there. Although things are going well for others now, I know things will get better for me too. I just need to keep on believing and hoping that there will always be light at the end of darkness. For now, I am hanging on. Desperate that one day things will get better. I will brave this storm no matter how long it takes for I know I will find comfort in the thought that one day, there will be a better day. Moving on...I will get to that someday but for now, I will creep and slowly move at my pace. Hopefully, my speed won't matter when I reach my goal one day. Life is full of surprises after all. One day, I know I will be sharing better and happier stories to others. But for now, I need to stick to my sad stories in order to get to where I am supposed to go.
Life goes on no matter what happens. I might not have the best in my life right now but that won't stop me from wanting to get it. Life will go on with or without good times. We just need to keep on holding on. I will try, this I know for I will continue wishing that my life will begin again. When will my life begin? Maybe it has begun already. I just thought time stopped and I am stuck in between different things. Wherever life will lead me, I know that it will go on, with or without me...