Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Will we ever be the way it was?

Sometimes you ask yourself if you chose right especially because you turned your back on everything and everyone else just to be with that person. It would be hard to get back what has been done, what has been lost. Sometimes I feel like I made the right choice but there are also times when I don't. I feel unwanted sometimes. I feel stupid even. I hate it when people say hurtful words to me but it gets more painful when you say them to me. I never did like shouting at people as I know I never want to be shouted on. You know this and yet you keep on doing it to me. I know I have a short temper and I know you do too but is it too much to ask for a little more understanding when I lose mine instead of you losing yours too? I hate it when you tell me I'm stupid. I hate it when you make me feel like I'm useless. Why do you have so much power over me? Why do I even let you have power over me? Is this love or madness? Maybe I am really stupid because I hate the things that you say and do to me and yet here I am still hanging on to you like a life line when in reality, you could just be the death of me.

Every heart ache, every pain. Call me melodramatic. You always do anyway. I hate that you can't be more understanding. I hate that you have changed so much. We've been together for so long. I am not your enemy, I am on your side. But if you continue to antagonize me and treat me poorly, I might just stop being on your side. I'm just keeping it because I am trying to understand but have you ever tried to stop yourself from being so mean to me? Lately, you've been so angry. I understand you are angry at other people, other circumstances. Sadly, I feel like you put all that anger and frustration on me. I feel heavier and more stressed out every time even when I feel like unwinding. Maybe the only time I will ever get the peace I crave is when I am alone which never happens to me. Am I really supposed to hurt this way? Am I nothing more than this? I did not write this for anyone to pity me. I merely wanted to share. My life is not what it seems. My life should have been better than this. But this is my life and the choices I've made so whether they are right or wrong, I guess I just have to endure it. Hopefully, one day, before I actually end up snapping and losing every last ounce of goodness in me, you will treat me better, you will treat me the way you should treat me. I feel like you are no longer scared that I will leave you. I feel like you will never cry over me anymore. I feel like you have lost every romantic bone in your body. I feel like the passion that you used to have has gone. Is this because of too much assurance or did I just give you too much of myself? I feel like I have you too much that I have very little left for me.

Is this all life has in store for me? I never really asked for too much. I rarely ask for anything at all. I have learned to become easily contented. I have learned to demand less. I am never high maintainenance. Maybe I should have been. I envy those women who have their partners at their beck and call. Sometimes I think I have mine only because he has no choice in the matter but if he had he wouldn't be with me at all. I wish it wasn't this painful. I wish life was easy. My life is no longer what it seems and I am no longer what I should be. My life is withering away and I feel powerless to save it. Maybe this is what is supposed to happen to me. Maybe even sorry is too much to ask for anyway. Most times I feel like I am alone. I feel hopeless. I just don't know anymore. Am I asking for too much? Do I really deserve this? I don't know. I just feel so lost sometimes.