Tuesday, October 20, 2015

If assumptions could kill...

Assumptions here, there, everywhere. I never did like assuming things about others and it is sad that others like doing so about me. I can't believe that after all this time I still feel like I am living my life like it is high school all over again. I hate the fact that I am being judged based solely on what I wear, what I say or what I look like. It is not like I am still that young anyway. 30 isn't exactly 18. Sometimes I feel like I am still treated like a teenager when I am supposed to be treated like an adult. Hearing made up stories about you from the people that you trusted is not exactly a good thing. Just when you thought that they could be trusted, they end up stabbing you in the back. My life is crazy but I can handle it. Sometimes I just feel like there's this overwhelming weight pressing against me. I feel suffocated. I feel like all the air escaping my lungs and all the blood in my body rushing to my head. I feel like exploding sometimes and that is not exactly a good thing.

When is enough enough? When you know that the people who are supposed to be close to you are actually hurting you, confrontation gets difficult for some people especially those who are not used to confrontations. I am like that. I would rather pretend it isn't happening or just brush things off as I do not want to escalate things to a whole new level. I am a less hassle kind of person. Unfortunately, I am surrounded by people who enjoy hassling me around. In the end, I get different kinds of stress from different kinds of people and the situations they have created. I am a worrywart, I think and worry too much. This is why I always have a plan A, B and C. I hate not being prepared for anything. But this readiness is not exactly appropriate when it comes to these people and these situations. Most of the time I end up just stressing myself more. I can be a control freak. I like things to go as planned and when it doesn't, I have the sudden urge to get angry but somehow I have learned through the years that despite the fact that I should get frustrated during those times, I should also take deep breaths and try to calm myself. Somehow I am happy to say that I have succeeded in doing that most times.

Opening up to others has never been my forte and somehow I feel like I am still having a hard time doing so. I blame my low self esteem for that. However, if needed be, I can be open, I can talk about things that needs to be discussed, I can be professional or personal, whichever you want me to be. Honesty is one thing that I like with people while I loathe assumptions and backstabbing. Sadly, hypocrites are everywhere. There could be one next to you now. Even people who are supposed to be your family can become hypocrites and it hurts me to find out that this is true. Sometimes when I hear made up stories from other people about what a close family member said about me, I frown and feel betrayed. I often think about why these people would treat me this way. I reflect on the things I have done to them and whenever I do, I relive the mistakes I have made to them and how I have done my best to atone for them. Sadly, I guess they think they aren't enough. These kinds of people and situations make me lose face even further.

Sometimes I wonder what my life is worth. I wonder if anybody will miss me when I am gone. I think about the things that I have done for others and the things that I should have done for them. Of course, I think about myself as I am human too. But I always think about my life and if the way other people treat me is right. Do I deserve to be treated poorly or unfairly? Sometimes I don't know anymore. Assumptions and lies are painful and it hurts me deep inside. I rarely shed tears but when I do, you'll know they are for real. My life might not be perfect and I'm certainly not too but that doesn't mean that your assumptions, your lies and the pain you are causing me are welcome. I may look strong but I can be weak too. If assumptions could kill then I will probably be dead by now. The many assumptions people have speculated on and have uttered against me are just too much to bear. I guess I am just strong enough to take all of them for now but until when? I don't know now.

The Struggle Is Real

The times have changed and so have I,
The paths I take, I hope are right,
My life right now isn't exactly perfect,
Some would say it is a mess,
But no matter what other people will say,
I will still think that tomorrow will be a better day.

My life isn't perfect and so am I,
The decisions I've made, I hope are right,
The things I do now are not the things that I used to do,
How I am going to face things now, I still don't have a clue,
I am older and hopefully wiser,
But somehow there are times when I feel that is not true.

Somedays I can't help but feel blue,
I know that stress is killing me,
Yet I feel like I should still keep pushing through,
Sometimes I feel irrelevant or perhaps that's how others make me feel,
Sometimes I feel wanted which I hope I will always feel.
Unfortunately, this isn't always clear.

I hate it when I'm set aside,
I hate it when I have no choice but to hide.
Why do people not see me the way I want them to?
Why do people continue to keep on hurting me so?
I feel tormented and so lost,
I feel like my life can be such a pain.

I like living as there is so much to look forward to,
If only others will see it too.
But I hate living a life that is a lie,
I hate living a life that isn't mine.
Only time can tell if things will change for the better,
I can only stay optimistic for so long after all...