My Last Thursday Thoughts At Work

I only have two days left to work and somehow, I am relieved by that fact. Unfortunately, I am not callous or insensitive enough to block my feelings toward this. As I said before, I love my students and my job but not the company that I work for. Today and tomorrow, I know that I should start saying goodbye to my students but somehow I feel like I can't. I just had a class with Sue today and today is the end of her contract as well. She started the class by telling me the bad news that her husband contract is already over at the hospital that he currently works for and that it is time for them to move on. I didn't actually know what she meant by it. Quite frankly, she didn't either. She was at a loss and I knew that she was just fighting back her tears. I knew she was fragile at this point and I did not want to push things too far. I listened but interjected every now and then in order to break the silence between us. Somehow I was able to cheer her up and even give her some advice for the future which I hope will be helpful to her as well. As the minutes kept on ticking by, I hated the feeling that she would feel betrayed. We were friends and I felt really happy whenever she said that I always make her feel better. I am just hoping that her next teacher will be kind to her as well. I did send her an e-mail which I hope she will respond to.

If there is one thing that is common in this field, it is the fact that in this industry, people come and go. Students and teachers stay but never too long even if they do, only a few of them do so. I wish I could stay longer despite me hating the company but unfortunately, this time, I just can't. I am 6 months pregnant. Turning 7 soon. I am at the crossroads right now. I want to continue working but I can't sacrifice my family for a successful career which is a common problem among working mothers/wives out there. I wish I could but I can't. This week will be a trying one for me. So many things will happen, so many changes will take place. I need to prepare for many exams that I need to undergo to for me and baby this weekend. I am keeping my fingers crossed that we are both healthy. I need all the help I can get which is why I have decided to go to church after work for the whole week. I needed to feel at peace and somehow, I can only feel that if I talk to Him. There is another reason why I should do so as my grandmother is still in the hospital at the moment. She has been in the ICU for a long time and despite having had an operation last week, it is sad to hear that her condition isn't getting any better. I worry for her. Not just because the bill is getting higher everyday and that my relatives will have a hard time paying it but also because I want her to live some more. I want her to see my baby even for the last time.

I thought the start of the year will be a good one for me and the people around me but it seems that 2013 didn't start right. As a matter of fact, the end of 2012 didn't end right either. Sighing won't make anything better. Complaining won't make any difference either. I should be thriving with positivity as my baby and I need it but how can I when I am surrounded with stress a lot lately? My husband and I have packed about 70 percent of our things already and we're planning to finish everything up this weekend in order to be ready for the move next week. I am not sure when yet but I think it will be on a weekday. Regardless of how things will go, I think I should just keep on having an open mind. There is only so much I can handle. For now, I should take it easy and breathe. My legs had cramps again in the middle of the night. I hate it when I get so fatigued. This is why it would be best for me to just stay home and relax. My baby and I need it.

So, goodbye is never hello. I know that. I just didn't want to say it. I just didn't have the heart to say farewell. I am so bored today. I know I should stay interested for the next two days but I don't know how especially since I know I won't be here long. I don't see the point in performing well anymore but I suppose I should especially since these two days will be the last days that my students will remember me by. I just hope I can still do. Please let the days pass by quickly this time...

It will always be hard to say goodbye. I was never really a fan of it to begin with. I would rather disappear without saying goodbye. No elaborate explanation, less guilt? Perhaps. Closure? Never going to happen. Living with the guilt is bearable somehow but definitely a burden still. This is why I so hate goodbyes...