Thursday, April 4, 2013

Happy 28th Birthday? - Maybe But Not So Much

Happy Birthday! - We all celebrate our birthdays each year and every year we grow old. I will never understand as to why people celebrate a day when they grow older but I can definitely understand why they celebrate it because they appreciate that they are alive and are growing. Most people would be happy on their special days but in my case, I am not a birthday person. Ever since my well celebrated 7th birthday which was exaggerated in more ways than one, I just never really put so much emphasis on my birthday. Don't get me wrong. I love celebrations but I am not into throwing grand parties just because it is my birthday. I like to keep things simple and well, I suppose I am not much of a birthday person. 

If I recall correctly, I had so many cakes on my 7th birthday. My parents and I invited so many visitors. There were so many parlor games. The food was nearly endless. The street was closed for public use just because my Dad said so. Even if I cried during one of the parlor games because I got hit by other kids while grabbing on some prizes which I never got, still, that birthday was awesome and something that I will never forget for a long time. I don't know. Maybe I maxed out on that birthday and forgot what it was like to celebrate too much on my birthday.This year is not different. The only difference is that this year is the saddest birthday of them all. Not because I had no visitors, no party, no food, no birthday cake and other typical birthday things but rather because I just lost my daughter, Lilly, just a month ago. 

The weekend before my birthday, my husband and I visited her grave. I told her to visit me on my birthday and greet me. That night, she did. I cried the morning of my birthday because I know it was all a dream and that reality is nothing but a far cry from it. It is sad to realize such things especially on your special day. The night before my birthday, my aunts and cousins went to our house. They have been here since Holy Week so I figured they just wanted to hang out more. I did not expect them to bring food and even buy me a birthday cake. It was unexpected indeed. I was greeted Happy Birthday. I smiled and ate but that was it. My husband who said he could not buy me anything on my special day because he was broke, merely bought some roasted pork for that night. I didn't mind. I was happy with or without gifts. I was only sad because the one gift that I have wished for so long has been taken from me. My birthday is April 1. What other event happens on that day? What else but April Fool's Day. Ever wondered what it would be like to celebrate a birthday on a day when everybody thinks it is a prank? That is another reason why I never celebrate my birthday. It is hard for people to take it seriously. They always think I am kidding when I am not.

Anyway, on my birthday, my Mom decided that we should just eat out. So, we did. We ended up eating a sumptuous dinner at Savory in SM Taytay. We had fun. I did my best to smile and laugh as it was my special day but then again, I still yearn for something that no one can ever give. Being there at the mall during my birthday was okay. I was thankful that I was given another year to live and also thankful that there are so many people around me who love me and care for me. I only wish that my birthdays in the years to come won't be so sad. I only want happiness but I don't think I can get true happiness yet. Not now. I am still in the process of grieving for my baby after all. Hoping for something better in my next birthdays to come...
 My birthday cake. Half of it was consumed during my birthday and the rest we had to eat before it expired yesterday. Yummy but super sweet. I appreciate the thought of buying me a cake though. Thanks Mom. 
Me on my birthday and a special message from my aunt who was there when we ate out. Looking at this photo of myself, I feel like I am different. I look different. Maybe all the crying and grieving has made me look this way. Either way, I am missing my daughter still and nothing and no one can ever bring her back to me. Not even on my special day...

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