A realization hit me today as I was walking to work. It does not matter if it has only been a couple of days, weeks, months or years. The reality is that change is inevitable. But then again when all has been said and done, what is there left to say or do? Reunions can become awkward especially when farewells were bitter, left open ended and even were abrupt. I am not a fan of farewells but they can't be avoided. Reunions can be done but sometimes I question myself if I really have to. Either way, both aren't easy to deal with in one's life.
Just recently, I saw people that I used to work with somewhere. There were two groups of people. The first group ended up inviting me to work with them again which I gladly accepted knowing that they were a pleasure to work with. As for the other group of old co-workers, although I did make a connection with a couple of people there, there were more people that I did not want to see. I even felt uncomfortable talking to them. After all, what is there left to say or do? The last time that I was working with them, I was pregnant and was expecting a child. Now, I am a childless mother working hard for myself and my husband. I did not want to be asked how I was. I did not want to be asked what happened to my child and why she passed away. I did not want to be pitied on or judged. I know that whatever I am going through now is no longer that stage. Although I will forever wish that my child was here with me, there is nothing I can do anymore.
It is already the middle of November and I have been swamped with so many different things. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the time when my life used to be simple but I guess there is no turning back now. I know I don't have a time machine and I can never turn back the hands of time. If only it was possible to just relive some moments in the past and stay there even for a couple of minutes. I would do anything just to go back to the time when my child was alive and breathing. I would like to touch her again, feel her soft and warm skin. I would like to feel that part of me that is now missing. Nowadays, I only feel alive because I know I have to keep on living. I only feel alive because I know there are still people around me that matter and I know that they wouldn't want me leaving. Not yet. Not right now. It is too early for that.
My heart constantly aches whenever I think of farewells. I have done so many of them in the past. In fact, I know that I should have become better at them. Unfortunately, I haven't changed a bit and each time I have to do it, I find myself lost especially because I know how hard it is to lose someone. I have lost two important people in my life this year and I know I can never have them back no matter how hard I want them to be with me. Life goes on. Farewells happen even if we don't want them to. Reunions happen even when you least expect them. No matter how unwelcomed they may be. I think I should make peace with the demons of my past. There was a time when I felt like running or hiding. I did it and had been successful at it but now that I am older, I just don't see the sense of it anymore. What would I achieve from that? Will I be more at peace after? The answer is NO. All it ever does is give me is the feeling of temporary easiness then I am back to being uneasy again. I don't want to be the person that I once was. I am a lot better now. I want to be able to be prepared for the next farewell and the next reunion that would happen to me. I just hope that I will really be the person that I am supposed to be...
Just recently, I saw people that I used to work with somewhere. There were two groups of people. The first group ended up inviting me to work with them again which I gladly accepted knowing that they were a pleasure to work with. As for the other group of old co-workers, although I did make a connection with a couple of people there, there were more people that I did not want to see. I even felt uncomfortable talking to them. After all, what is there left to say or do? The last time that I was working with them, I was pregnant and was expecting a child. Now, I am a childless mother working hard for myself and my husband. I did not want to be asked how I was. I did not want to be asked what happened to my child and why she passed away. I did not want to be pitied on or judged. I know that whatever I am going through now is no longer that stage. Although I will forever wish that my child was here with me, there is nothing I can do anymore.
It is already the middle of November and I have been swamped with so many different things. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the time when my life used to be simple but I guess there is no turning back now. I know I don't have a time machine and I can never turn back the hands of time. If only it was possible to just relive some moments in the past and stay there even for a couple of minutes. I would do anything just to go back to the time when my child was alive and breathing. I would like to touch her again, feel her soft and warm skin. I would like to feel that part of me that is now missing. Nowadays, I only feel alive because I know I have to keep on living. I only feel alive because I know there are still people around me that matter and I know that they wouldn't want me leaving. Not yet. Not right now. It is too early for that.
My heart constantly aches whenever I think of farewells. I have done so many of them in the past. In fact, I know that I should have become better at them. Unfortunately, I haven't changed a bit and each time I have to do it, I find myself lost especially because I know how hard it is to lose someone. I have lost two important people in my life this year and I know I can never have them back no matter how hard I want them to be with me. Life goes on. Farewells happen even if we don't want them to. Reunions happen even when you least expect them. No matter how unwelcomed they may be. I think I should make peace with the demons of my past. There was a time when I felt like running or hiding. I did it and had been successful at it but now that I am older, I just don't see the sense of it anymore. What would I achieve from that? Will I be more at peace after? The answer is NO. All it ever does is give me is the feeling of temporary easiness then I am back to being uneasy again. I don't want to be the person that I once was. I am a lot better now. I want to be able to be prepared for the next farewell and the next reunion that would happen to me. I just hope that I will really be the person that I am supposed to be...
