Friday, March 25, 2011

What If?

I wrote this when I had this very crazy idea in my head. I can't remember when I did but all I know is that this was written a year or two ago. It's not much but I will still post it here to remind me of the crazy ideas that keep me going everyday...

Most people only realize what they have when it's gone. In my case, I already knew what I had and I was grateful for it but it didn't stop me from thinking about what my life would be like if I didn't have the things that I have now. To me, there will always be that voice inside my head asking me "What if?" It's not like I am not satisfied with the way things are going in my life. I'm just curious. I guess I was just born this way.

It was another day of my boring life. Lately, I've been preoccupied with so many things that I haven't found the time for myself. No, I am not a single mother raising her kids alone while juggling time for her career and her personal life. I am a single career woman getting ready to walk down the aisle within a year. I have a loving fiance who adores me and is as hardworking as me. I have a wonderful family that lives with me and takes care of me. Most people would consider me lucky for I have almost everything anyone could wish for. I never said I was ungrateful. I never said I wasn't thankful for all these blessings. Maybe I'm just disconnected from the world at the moment.

One morning while I was strolling down the road on a sunny day, I saw a butterfly flying freely in the sky. I have seen a lot of butterflies before but strangely, this one looked more unique to me. Maybe it's just me or maybe it was simply a symbol of freedom that I felt like I have been longing for and missing for so many years now. Then it suddenly hit me. I was envious of the butterfly for it had wings that made it possible to fly. It had the power to be free and to move where it pleases. My life has been aligned from the moment I was born. I never really thought of defying authority or disrupting it's order. I just continuously went with the flow.

On my 18th birthday, I realized I was already an adult however, I was never really treated that way. As time passed by, I've done what I could to become the best in my field and all that hardwork has definitely paid off which is why I am now one of the most famous writers of all time. I should be happy now right? I am happy but I'm always hanging on to my what ifs. At this very crucial moment in my life, I have found a certain awakening. A getaway. I need it and I need it now before it's too late! 

The next thing I know, I was running home like a person participating in a marathon of some sort. I didn't know what was going to happen then. All I knew was that I was excited with my train of thought and like a mad woman, I continued to daydream, as if my whole life could change because of it. I went to my room with a smile plastered on my face. 'Now why didn't I think about that?' was the only thing that came out of me as I continued to imagine things. I must be going mad, I thought. But heck! It truly was a spectacular idea. The only problem now was what am I supposed to do now? I've never been on a trip alone before and I've never really been that adventurous. Worry suddenly hit me. I was naive and defenseless. How will I be able to survive the wilderness without my safety blanket and outside of my comfort zone? Truly, I was helpless.

NOTE: Seriously, I really wanted to have one last trip somewhere outside the country before getting hitched. I wanted to do it alone because at that time I thought of it as the only option that I had to experience a life that isn't entirely mine. I guess I wanted adventure at that time and I wanted to feel what it would be like to be independent because I just realized that even if I am already a grown up now, I've never experienced any real hardship that I had to face on my own. I've never really had to work hard because I rented a house and the rent was due. I never really budgeted my money up to the last cent because I knew that I still had lots. It never occured to me that at that time, I wanted a sense of independence which is why I want to conquer the outside world by myself. Of course, everybody knows that I never made it there. I never went to another place and I never pretended to be another person for a day. Sure, I might have missed my chance to do so but what scares me the most is the thought that what if I actually took that chance to leave and enjoyed the feeling of independence to the extent that I would have been willing to give up anything just for everything to stay that way. What would I have done then? How would my almost perfect life change? Nobody knows. Nobody can tell. I guess I'd rather let it be a mystery so that I won't end up regretting anything in the end.

I don't believe in regrets but an occasional what if is perfectly acceptable. - THAT'S OH SO TRUE!
Yes, I am curious but I still have a fear of the unknown. I fear it because I do not know what it might bring me. My biggest fear of the unknown is the fact that I might like the whole alternate world vibe it might bring to me and it might lead me to leaving behind everything that I've cherished and loved all this time...

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