Sunday, August 28, 2011

Love Is...

If love is simply a matter of choice and not a strong feeling that moves you from within then what happens if the choice that you made is a wrong one? Our mind is plagued with doubt and uncertainty that anybody can ever stay with anyone for eternity. There are only a handful few who believe that couples who get married should be together until the day they die. I, on the other hand, am caught in the middle of everything. I want to believe in a happy ever after but how can I when I know that such a thing is becoming more and more of a myth these days? I have often told people how much of a realist I am but at the same time, I still try to stick to what I really am, which is a hopeless romantic. Many people have asked questions like "Is he truly the one for me" or "Did I make the right choice"? Sometimes it is hard to tell them the truth and sometimes it is even more difficult to show them how wrong their choices were in love. 

If love was a choice then what if I made the wrong one? What does that make me? A fool, you say? Honestly, only you can answer that. If there is one thing I learned from this life, it is the fact that nothing...I say nothing...stays the same forever. At some point, you need to understand that the only constant thing in this world is change and with that being said, we should know that all of us should be prepared for what is to come. If you married a man who used to be the sweetest guy in the world and as he grows older, he becomes cold then just face it. Truth is, you'll be changing too. I am afraid of change and I don't really know how to handle it very well especially when it comes to my partner. I get frustrated and confused. Maybe I am just asking for too much sometimes. A friend told me that I am the living proof of this idea. Love used to mean something more different to her but after I took a leap of faith, she realized that it was all about taking that giant leap and just doing it. Sometimes I ponder on it, trying to figure out if it was all bravery or stupidity but there is no point in thinking about that now. 

Sometimes I just want to have a heart of stone or perhaps one of ice so that whenever I am hurt and made a fool of, I can just stop wearing my heart upon my sleeve and just be apathetic about it. Sometimes I just don't want to care anymore, sometimes I just want to feel nothing at all. Sometimes the pain is too much to bear that I just want to leave everything behind me and start anew but how can I when I have already made a choice? If love truly is a matter of choice, how do I get away from it when I realize that the choice I made was not worth it? How can I bring back the hands of time to get back to how things were? I guess there is no turning back from this path. What hurts the most is when you realize that nothing has changed in your partner but at the same time, there are some things that did. How can you face someone, live with someone, eat with someone and breathe the same air as someone who just hurts you eventually even after making you feel like you should trust him/her again this time? I guess love is fragile. You can always do a million things right to keep it alive but just make one tiny error and it dies. It sucks doesn't it?

I feel bad because I constantly crush the illusions and dreams of people who want to feel like love will save them or change them. I wish I could put my faith in such a word but in reality it is just a four letter word. Sometimes it is even a lame excuse to use these days. What is love? Define it. We all have different interpretations as to how it should be defined and used. I, myself, don't have just one definition for it but I would rather not tell you what it means right now for me. Right now is not the best time to do so. For a feel like a fool for trusting someone with my heart even I knew what the consequences would be. I knew that I would lose everything else I held dear just for him and yet I was blinded by love. Perhaps too blinded that I failed to realize everything and anything else around me. Which is why I can't stop myself from questioning why I did something like it. I do not question my strong feelings for him. All I question is my sanity for ever doing something like it. I guess it was something like a spur of the moment decision. I am just hoping that I do not live to regret it. 

So what do you do when the one you love keeps on making you feel like you made the wrong choice in choosing him/her? That my friend is a lot harder than it seems. There is no point in arguing over this matter and it would be pointless to ask anybody else for advice. For in the end, it all boils down to you and your decision yet again which might end up either saving you and putting you in even deeper trouble. Why can't love be simple? Well, nothing is simple in this life. Ever since we have become adults, our lives have become completely complicated. I guess I am just sick and tired right now. The correct term for it is fed up. I cannot fathom as to why a person that you love would keep on doing things that he/she knows would hurt you. Most of all, I cannot understand as to why he/she would always say sorry but do it again after some time which only makes you feel like he/she doesn't really mean it. What is the purpose of saying sorry when you are not sincere about it? A lousy apology is not something anybody is looking forward to. 

They say that all people are capable of loving others however at some point, all people are capable of hating others as well. So if you love someone, make sure that the feeling is greater or if not mutual because people change and when they do sometimes there is a chance that the other person in the relationship might end up rejecting that change which will only result in heartache. I believe that people who love deeply are those the easiest to become hurt or scorned which is why in the end, they just become fed up of the whole relationship and decide to call it off. Nobody can guide us perfectly or tell us exactly what we should do with our lives or better yet our relationships. It is up to us to go to the right paths ahead of us. In loving someone, there is always a high probability of one getting hurt but there is always a high chance that you will end up having the greatest love story of all time. My journey has just begun in this roller coaster ride and I do not know yet about all the twists and turns that lie ahead of me. All I know is that I am bracing myself for this ride and making sure that for every twist and turn that I get myself into, I would be able to become enlightened and hopefully be able to learn from my mistakes. 

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