Saturday, March 23, 2013

Ask And You Shall Receive Isn't Happening For Me Right Now

Doubts -- we all have them. Questions -- we are always plagued by them. Sometimes I ask myself if I am a bad person in order to deserve what happened to me. But then again, I can't be the one to answer that. I know myself well. I know of the bad things I did in life. I know of the mistakes and the problems I have brought upon myself and other people. I am not exactly perfect. But who is? Have I done something that awful in order to deserve the death of my child? I hope not. I can't help go down memory lane. There are many things that I wish I didn't do and I wish I did. Now I wonder if things changed in the past, could things have changed in my present and my future? I can only wonder.

There are so many questions plaguing me these days. So many doubts still linger in my head. I wish I can remove them from my mind. Whenever I close my eyes, I see Lilly's face. Everything flashes before me. Everything about her makes me question and doubt things. I know reality but I still cannot accept the fact that she is really gone. Questioning God and asking him why she is gone is just pointless. I need to know exactly why but I can't know for sure. Acceptance -- I am far from that but somehow I am coping. Coping with the fact that she is in Heaven and is no longer hurting. Our little angel, that is what many people call her. Honestly, she has been our little angel even before she was born. 

Many people find completion in many things. For me, the completion of my existence was her. When she was conceived and when she was born, I felt like I have finally found a reason for living. When I met my husband, I felt that too. When she was taken away from us, I felt like there was a huge void inside of me that can never be filled and will always be empty. I know that if God will give us a chance to have another child in the future, that child would make us feel complete too but then again, that child will never replace what we lost. Our new child will surely be a new addition to our family but then again, our first child will forever be our first. We love her so much. 

They say I should stay away from negativity especially right now. This is why I am trying my best to feel positive and happy again. Right now, I am really thinking about how to reinvent my life. I want to be productive again but how do I find interest in things once more? The things that I used to love, I haven't forgotten but somehow I have lost interest in. I used to have so many plans, so many dreams, filled with hope, filled with happiness. Now, I don't know anymore. I find myself crying sometimes. I feel sad. Although I am already speaking now and trying to smile and laugh with my family, somehow, when I am alone again, I can't help but remember Lilly, miss her and cry. 

March is ending soon. As my birthday nears, so does her 40 days. I still can't believe that she is really gone. This year's April was supposed to be filled with happiness. April 1 - my birthday, April 13 was supposed to be Lilly's birthday which will now coincidentally be her 40th day and April 17 - being my husband's birthday. Now, it will be a mournful month. They say that because we already have an angel in heaven, it is easier to ask for many things. Honestly, I don't want many things. I just want her but because she is gone, we can't do anything about that. We will be thankful to whatever God will give to us. At this point, all we can ask for is guidance. 

I guess when life gives us lemons and we ask for oranges, we should be prepared for it. For life doesn't really give you exactly what you want. Sometimes it gives you something else. Which is why it is better to learn to accept more. Ask and you shall receive isn't exactly happening for me right now...Not to worry though as I still believe in God. He is the only thing that I can hang on to right now especially in these rough times. 

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