Sunday, March 24, 2013

Fears, Anxiety, Miracles And The Lessons To Be Learned Through It All

I woke up with a heavy heart today. Last night as I slept next to my husband, I slept well but when I woke up with a pillow in between us, I realized that this was the same position we had when I was still pregnant with Lilly. I hoped that hugging him would make me feel okay but somehow it didn't remove the emptiness that I felt. I love him so much but I love our little angel too. Which is why I am longing for her each day. Each day, it is as if she continues to give us signs that she is just nearby. Her name is being mentioned everywhere. From one TV show to another, a magazine article, a brand name, something from the internet even to the point that we go outside, she shows us signs. I am glad she does that but at the same time, I feel lonelier. Lonelier because these signs might remind us of her to make us not forget about her but at the same time, they also remind us that she is no longer with us. The pain of losing her will forever be a part of me. I am scarred for life, I know that.

My mom bought a back issue of a certain magazine. It was dated May 2012. I read an article there about women who have encountered miscarriages. Some of them have even encountered multiple miscarriages. Although their children died unborn, the knowledge that they lost something that has been a part of them, no matter how long, is still painful. Reading about their stories made me realize that losing a child is one of the most painful experiences any person can have. In all my years, I have never imagined to experience something like this. Sure, I did not have a miscarriage and I got to see my child before she passed away but then again, just the same, Lilly is not here. At first, I thought that the pain of losing a child that has already been born is harder than losing an unborn child but now, I think both of them are the same. The thought of losing a child is unimaginable, the pain permanent. It changes you in more ways than one.

Miscarriages happen to everyone. I have heard so many sad stories about miscarriages while I was pregnant with Lilly. My husband was fearful for me at that time. I told him not to worry as I will not miscarry our child. I didn't but in the end, we still lost her. In the middle of my pregnancy, stories about parents losing their children got my attention. At that time, my husband and I were both fearful for our child. We made a promise that we would do everything for her to be alive. I honestly think we failed. I think we were not able to do that duty as parents. We did not fulfill that promise which is why we regret losing her so much. The pain is just unbearable even now. Because of Lilly's condition, I realized that my next child has a higher risk of having the same condition as her which is the sad truth of it all. Now, I am scared for my next child. That is if God will grant our wish to at least have one child. He/she might suffer the same fate. That is something that would not just break our hearts but would probably end many things as well. Hopefully, not our relationship.

I fear the worst. Maybe I am over thinking this. Maybe it is a bit too soon. Don't get me wrong. I want to have a baby. I don't mind going through all the pain even if I am scared of it. I don't mind the needles, the c section all over again, the stitches, the recovery time, the awful tasting medicine - all that doesn't matter to me. Right now, the only thing that matters is that if we would have another child, it would not suffer the same fate. We do not want to lose another child but then again, that is not something for us to decide. It isn't our choice. It never was and it never will. After Lilly died, I heard many people say that having her was not meant to be. That simple phrase made me sadder. Did we not deserve to have a child? Did Lilly not deserve to live? We then compared our situation with other people. We saw other people who had children, children who they didn't love and care for, children who they disregarded and even discarded, children who grew up not knowing what it was like to have real parents, children who became bad examples because they lacked proper guidance, children who were malnourished, children who suffered because of their parents and yet, they all survived. They were all alive. What for? 

We grew angry at some point. We couldn't help but question why those parents and their children were more important than us and our child. We began to question the purpose of things and the reason behind our child's sudden death. Although we knew of her condition, we knew that her chances were not really that slim. We were told that she was compatible with life and we were ready for the new chapter in our lives regardless of her not being normal but maybe God had other plans for us and for our daughter. Now, we still can't believe that she is gone. We want her here but we have finally come to terms to stop feeling angry. Although there are times when we still question why she had to be taken right away from us, we have finally decided to stop ourselves from thinking that way. We want to stay away from negativity after all. I know our child would want us to be happy and productive -- with or without her. We are still trying but we know it will be a long journey ahead before we can get back to our daily lives. 

Some say you never really get over a loss of someone dear. I agree with that. Although I know I will be able to move on and get back on track, after losing someone, things just will never be the same. I am scared of what the future would bring but at the same time I am excited about the changes that my life would bring. Although I know that right now, I am lost, my husband is too, we pray for guidance each day. We hope to see the plans that he has for us soon. During Lilly's wake, I saw many of our friends and relatives. They were there to support us in our time of grief but somehow after that, I felt like I wanted to get away from them all. No offense meant, I just didn't feel ready to be around other people yet. As April approaches, I know I will have to conquer this fear soon. Come our birthdays and Lilly's 40 days, I know we will be seeing them soon. Honestly, I don't know how to interact and to be around other people now. It was like I have forgotten to be social again. I feel like I just want to shut the world out. Hopefully, one of these days, I can get back to things soon somehow.

Fears and anxieties might continue to grip at me these days but hopefully, I will no longer feel like this. I don't want to live a life that is filled with these negative thoughts and feelings. I want to be rid of them, be free of them. Someday I know this will happen. I just need to continue to believe. Hopefully, a good support group will continue to show me that life is beautiful and that I should not think that it is over just because Lilly is gone. Somehow as I continue to pray for strength each day, I also continue to do the same for those around me. I am thankful that my husband continues to help me through this time of grieving. I know he needs me too. He said I am the only thing that is keeping him sane at the moment. We both long for Lilly but then again, our sadness and our tears will never bring her back. Nothing will. Pregnancy is a happy time for many women but then again, not for all of them. Happy endings happen but not to everyone. I wish my pregnancy had a fairy tale ending but I am hoping that one day if God will let me go through that stage again in my life, things will be different somehow.

They say that people who do not appreciate miracles are those who forget that they are miracles. I have never forgotten that. I believe in miracles. I was just heartbroken that the miracle that we asked for did not last. I know the miracle of life. I appreciate it everyday. I am a miracle because I was able to survive this long. Now, I know how hard it is to survive this long. How parents take care of their children in order to keep on growing and surviving to get old are miracles too. One day, we hope that we will experience these kinds of miracles too. We crave for it. We long for it. We wish for it. How long do we have to continue praying for it? I know God is not testing us with these challenges. Otherwise, until when? Until we can no longer bounce back? Until we finally give up? Maybe these things just happen because he wills them. He wills them because he knows we can surpass it. Sadly, sometimes what he wills isn't exactly what we want. We might disagree with them but we will definitely learn from them. I am changing. We are changing. We will continue to change because of this life lesson that God has given us. Someday, we continue to hope for a brighter day. A blessing and finally, the answer to our prayers will come and hopefully, when he does answer our prayers, this time, he won't just lend us the answer that we seek but finally, give it to us wholeheartedly...

Maybe our prayers for healing Lilly demanded a different kind of miracle. Although we wanted a different miracle which was her to be with us long, maybe God knew she was suffering while she lived and has decided to spare her of all that. The healing that he intended for her was this. We might not accept what happened to her but we now know that she is in a good place and is without pain. Our little angel was our temporary miracle. We just hope that one day when I am over these fears and anxieties and when I have changed and learned what I needed to learn, we will be given a more permanent miracle. Lord, please grant us another miracle of life and this time, please don't take that little miracle away from us. After all, we deserve happiness too...

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