Thursday, March 21, 2013

Falling Tears, Losing Someone Dear And Wishful Thinking

How do you stop the tears from falling when you have lost someone so dear to you? I have never promised that I would stop the tears from falling as I know it would be an impossible task. Even before Lilly, our daughter died, I cried. I cried because of happiness, sadness, worry and so many other things. I cried not just for myself but for other people as well. Most of my tears though have been devoted to our little one. Before she was born, we worried for her. The heartbreaking news about her condition rattled us to the core. It made me uncomfortable. It made me concerned. I was her mother after all. I was becoming a parent and like most parents, I care the most about my child. I was glad that behind all the tears, there were smiles and laughter otherwise, it would have been a sad pregnancy. 

Last night, I cried before going to sleep. I spoke to Lilly about mundane things. Things that have happened, things that I want her to know, things that should have happened and so much more. I spoke to her as if she was alive. I spoke to her as if she still had a future with us. I know such a thing does not make sense to people who have not lost anyone dear to them but to me, it does. Although my heart ached while I spoke her name, I poured my heart out to her. I prayed with my husband before that. I just couldn't help but speak to our daughter that way. I know we barely had memories together when she was born but I know we shared a lot while she was inside of me. She has shared my sadness, my happiness, my frustrations, everything. No one and nothing has ever shared that with me before. She and I shared a body. I might have been her vessel and she might have had her own little heart but we shared the same heartbeat. No one and nothing can ever take that away.

Lilly has been a dream, a dream that my husband and I wanted for so long. Today as I looked for other medicines to drink, I stumbled upon the ones that I used to drink when I was pregnant with her. I couldn't help but shake my head and cry. I immediately asked myself "Why?". I know there was nothing to ever answer that question no matter how many times different people do. I cried because of many reasons. The medicines reminded me of the time when I still had her with me which I know I can never go back to now. I took them when my baby was alive and was not yet in Heaven. The medicines were important to me to be healthy so that she would be too. My husband and I invested a lot of many things for Lilly and now that she is gone, we feel like everything has gone to waste. Seeing the things that I used to take when I was pregnant only made me ask what would happen to them. Then, I realized, there were other things that were going to be wasted as well. 

My swollen breasts were begging to be pumped out of me in order to be drank by a baby but the baby was no more. Lilly died in March 4 and even to this day, I still have milk that drips out of me. I cried when I realized that my milk would be useless. I felt like I was useless too. I was a mother without a child. A parent without a child to take care of. Although I had my husband and he had me, when our daughter died, we felt like a part of us died as well. We felt incomplete once more. Like a huge hole was punched inside of me, inside of us. It was a gap that can never be filled, a gap that could never heal. They say time is a great healer and that prayers can help make things better. We pray everyday. We hope that time would be a great healer too but we also know that the pain of losing Lilly will never go away. It will never leave us. It will be with us forever, no matter how our lives change in the future. The material things that she left behind don't really matter much for they can be used by another. The people that she left behind...what would happen to them? What would happen to us? That is a question that even to this day, I ask myself everyday. I ask God as well.

We were told to move on, move forward and start over. We know what we have to do. It is just easier said than done. I know we are both healing now and that our little Lilly is watching over us for she is one of God's little angels now. We don't want her to see us sad but how can we stop feeling so when we miss someone so dear to us? I say sorry whenever I shed tears for her. I tell her it is because I miss her and I love her. I tell her she will be with us forever. She might not understand that. For I still have not come to terms to understanding why she had to go but then again, I think of her happiness and her pain which only make me feel like I should let go. Parents are never selfish and even when they are, they change. At least, that is how I see parenthood. I don't know how others do. 

Losing Lilly was hard and painful but we know that God has a message for us. We might not know it now but someday, we hope we do. We might not know his plans as we do not see the bigger picture but he always has a greater purpose, a greater scheme in store for everyone. He might have taken her so soon but perhaps it was really her time to go. No matter how painful it might be to lose a child, I know that God did not want this for us. I don't believe that it was meant to be. It just happened because it had to. I don't believe that when Lilly was conceived, God already wanted her to join him in Heaven. But somehow now I wonder. During the last months of my pregnancy, perhaps God already knew what would happen to her and to us. Which is why he decided that I should bring her to this world. Lilly might have been a fighter when she was born but it was only because she wanted to see the people who made her. She probably just wanted to see me, her dad and the other people who love her before she can finally become an angel. She wanted to thank everyone before she passed away. She wanted to know the people who she will be taking care of for the rest of her life in Heaven. This is why she lasted for nine days on Earth. That is how I see it now. 

She was never meant to undergo surgery. She was never meant to go home with us. Lilly was never meant to be with us for long. She just wanted us to feel happy, happy to see her alive. She was already in pain from the beginning but she endured it for us. How brave of her. How selfless of her. She truly is our little miracle, our little inspiration. Lilly knew she wouldn't be able to survive long which is why she made every single day count. She might have brought us tears but she also bought us happiness. I wouldn't trade the pain that I have now for anything material in this world. Although I admit that I would trade it to have her back with us. Unfortunately, I know there is no such thing. If only I could turn back time, I would go back to the last day I saw her alive. I would stay with her the whole day and do my best to make her feel loved some more. I would bring my husband with me and beg the nurses to let him hold her even just for a while. That way we wouldn't feel regret.

If I found a magic lamp with a genie inside and I would be given three wishes, the first one would involve Lilly. I know that I am not supposed to wish to bring back someone from the dead but I would wish it differently. I would wish to go back in time. I would wish to go back to the start of 2012 and from there start a healthier lifestyle. I would do my best to not work outside my home and tell my husband to work harder. That way both of us would be more prepared for our child. I know I would have to go through pregnancy again which was both a pain and a joy, a blessing and a curse. I would go through all that again. I would change things to give Lilly a change to get better with high hopes that I would be able to give birth to her normally. That would be the first wish. The second wish would not be for me but for my younger sister to get better. The third wish I have not thought of yet. But then again, this is all wishful thinking. 

Tears - they can never be avoided especially when you are a person grieving for someone you love. I used to think that it was impossible to cry over someone for a long time but now, I know that pain. The pain of losing a child is not just heartbreaking, it also changes many things. I know that losing Lilly has changed me in many ways. My points of view of many things has become more serious and now, I have become more calculated, more cautious even. My fears have doubled and somehow I have become more paranoid. Maybe this is what growing up feels like. I didn't want to grow up this way but now that there is so much pain around me, I feel like I have to do this. I used to love silence and even crave it. Now, it is just deafening to me. I don't mind hearing Lilly's cries around me or even her laughter but definitely not silence. Maybe I just miss her so much or I am just becoming mad but at the end of the day, she is gone and there is nothing that can ever bring her back to me, to us. I know my tears, our tears can never bring her back but somehow they help wash away the sadness even if it is just for a short while. 

The truth behind losing someone that you love. Lilly might not longer be with us but she will always be in our minds and she will forever be in our hearts. We continue to miss her each day. How we wish we knew how to stop feeling this pain but we know that this pain should only be changed into acceptance. She is happier now. Despite the fact that it means that she won't be with us, we should learn to find happiness in the thought that she is no longer in pain and is no longer suffering with the Lord. Heaven has found itself another angel and that is no other than our little girl. We love you, Lilly, forever and ever...


  1. Hang in there! God will restore what the locusts destroyed. Joel 2:25

    Take care,
    Raeshma, fellow blogger

    1. Dear Raeshma,

      Thank you for taking time to visit my blog and read my posts especially those about my Lilly and my grief. I am doing my best to hang on. There are just some days that are worst than others and I am having a grief attack at the moment as I woke up yearning for her once again. Have a good day! Thank you for the comments. God Bless!

      Yours Truly,
      Zena, Owner of this blog