Monday, March 18, 2013

Sorry For My Tears And My Mixed Emotions

Yesterday, we visited the grave of our daughter, Lilly for the second time. Although this was the second time that we were there apart from her burial, I couldn't help but shed tears once again. Memories flashed before me once again. The times that we visited her in the hospital, looking at her inside the incubator gave me mixed feelings. I felt happy to see her alive and right there in front of me. I was filled with hope that one day, we will bring her home but then again, I also felt sad knowing that she had a condition and that she might be feeling pain and is suffering. I realized now that I was selfish then because I only thought about myself and not my daughter's well being. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a parent. Seeing her grave and knowing that her lifeless body was buried there makes me have mixed emotions too. I feel sad that she is gone and she cannot be with us but I feel happy as well that she is already in Heaven, with the Lord and is not feeling pain. I know that she is happy but at the same time, she feels sad that she cannot be with us as well. Speaking to her while there on her grave, I felt my tears streaming down my face again. 

We went to Antipolo Cathedral after that. I remember the last time I was there. I was still pregnant with Lilly. We used to go there to pray for her. We even visited and spoke to the Black Nazarene there hoping that he would help intercede for us to the Lord. While praying there, I became emotional once again. Seeing many pregnant women passing by and many couples with baby girls only made it worse. As I continued to cry and pray at the same time. I know Lilly wouldn't want to see me like that but I couldn't help myself. I was missing her and I continue to miss her everyday. I thought I am strong enough because I didn't cry the last time we visited her grave but I was wrong. Acceptance is not easy. Moving on is easier said than done. For now, I continue to pray to the Lord that he would grant us the time to grieve but at the same time, he would help us get over all this pain. I do not ask him to take away the pain as it is a way of making us remember what we learned. It is also a way of making us remember Lilly. 

Many people say I should not look at other people and think that life is unfair. I should not think that the Lord is unfair. I used to think that way. I used to think that what happened to us was unfair. Asking why when honestly, we should not. The Lord always has a higher purpose for all of us and he has reasons for everything. I may not understand everything right now but I hope and pray that in time, I will, we will. Maybe I am not ready to go out to the world yet. Seeing pictures of babies everywhere and seeing actual happy couples with babies makes me cry because I wish that happened to me. There are many things that I wish I could have done and I wish I could have. Envy - I should not feel that and yet I do now. I didn't feel that before but now, I do. I feel it because I want what others have and knowing that I had it but cannot have it right now, hurts me. But then I remembered a lesson from one of the masses I attended while I was pregnant with Lilly. Patience - I should have that and I should learn that everything will happen in God's time. Hopefully and prayerfully, one day, my husband and I will be given the chance to have another child.

Speaking of another child, my younger sister and my mom always tell me at home that we shouldn't be sad and that the Lord has other plans for us. They said that he would give us another child. They even keep on joking that maybe God would give us twins one day. Actually, everybody wanted twins to begin with but when they found out that I was only having one child from the start, they decided they wanted me to have a baby boy but that doesn't mean that the birth of our little daughter wasn't welcomed. It was. They all loved her and could have doted on her if she were here. Since we already hid all her things, we are hopeful to be able to use them on our next child one day. For now, reading and posting quotes about Lilly is the only way for me to show how I feel to others. Writing is one of the most effective ways to relieve the pain. Hopefully, this will help with all the sleepless nights and the silent moments when we cry and remember her. 

How do I stop shedding tears for you especially when I know that you are not here physically and can only be with me in other ways? The pain of losing you has hurt me, hurt us but I know that it can also make me, make us stronger somehow, someday, someway...

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