Is There Truly A Time For Everything?

Holy week -- A time for reflection, fasting, no eating of meat, good deeds, sacrifices and prayers. Many people don't need to go to work or to go to school during this time. While some people devote their time for doing religious deeds, others, immerse themselves in enjoying themselves and having fun. Going to different beaches, resorts and many other relaxing places, make their Holy week happier. In my case, I can only do some of these things. I am currently reflecting, not eating meat and praying. I am hoping I will be able to do better next year. For this year, I am still grieving. I know the Lord understands what I am going through. 

Yesterday, my aunt and her two children went swimming. My sister, my husband and I went along too. Obviously, I could not go to the water as my stitch was still unwell. I had to stay out of the water in one of the chairs along with their things. I looked around. I didn't want to be surrounded by people. There were so many of them there. Families with so many members, so many adults and children. I could hear laughter, I could see smiles, I could feel their happiness. Sadly, I had none at that time. The more I looked at them, the more I frowned. I didn't want to feel envious of the parents who were having fun with their children in the water but I couldn't help myself. I had to say sorry in my prayer last night. When I saw the babies who were months old in the water with their parents, that is when my tears started to fall. They fell without me wanting them. They fell without me noticing them. I only noticed them when my cheeks started to feel warm and wet while I sniffed as I looked on. To many people there, I was crying because of something they don't know. The reason why I was crying was unknown to them. To them, I was still pregnant because I still had a small bump in my belly but in reality, they do not know that I am no longer pregnant and that I have lost a child. I kept on wishing what it would be like to have Lilly by my side. One of the children jumped into the water that day. There were many adults with her but only her mother noticed her and saved her. Thank God it was not too late. The little one could have died. She looked like she was just a year old. Were they more qualified to be parents than we were? I felt sad with that thought. On the other hand, I would have done everything and anything just to save Lilly if I was given the chance.

I often still rub my tummy pretending that Lilly is still there. After all, she wasn't due till the start of April to begin with. Before, rubbing my tummy made me feel happy as I felt more connected with my baby. But now, rubbing it makes me sad but I can't avoid it. Before when my husband and I sighed, it was due to happiness. Now, we release heavy and deep sighs because of sadness. We miss her so much that all we can do when we remember her is sigh as we wish that things were different. Unlike my husband who has become strong and has fought back his tears, I, on the other hand, can't fight back my tears. The hardest parts of my days would have to be when I wake up every morning and at night whenever I need to go to sleep. After their swimming trip yesterday, we slept. It was nearly night time when we woke up. We decided to eat some snacks while singing some songs on videoke. I haven't sung in a long time. I couldn't sing well when I was pregnant but I wanted to do it for Lilly when she was born. Too bad I was not able to sing to her and to teach her songs. I would have wanted to be able to sing the same songs with her. I would have been proud to hear her sing. While singing, I forgot even just for awhile the pain that I felt. But when songs that I dedicate for her were being played in the background, I had a hard time fighting the tears. Phil Collins' You'll Be In My Heart, God Gave Me You and Dance With My Father Again were the songs that nearly made me cry. I would do anything and everything just to have her back with me, with us. Life is unfair. That is what they say. Those people who want children and are ready for them sometimes have the hardest time having them. While on the other hand, people who don't really want children and don't know what to do with them, have them effortlessly. I don't want to question God's judgment anymore. His plans are his. We can never meddle with them after all.

Today, we spoke of Lilly. Last night, I slept crying again. I woke up with swollen eyes. I tell my husband at times why it has to be so hard each day. He strengthens me and tells me that everything will be okay. Everyone who saw Lilly while she was alive and when she was inside her coffin felt sad for us. They would have wanted something different for us as did we. But we will never know his true purpose for taking her. I was told to never question that many times now. I wish he would just take away the fears, anxieties and the worries now. I don't know if I can live my life freely this way. My life is clouded by these things. I wish I could be happier. I know I can control that but it is hard to do it. Not, now. My mother says if Lilly will see me happy, she will be happier too. I often apologize to Lilly for crying each day. I don't know if she understands me but I don't think I will ever forget her. All her pictures, we intend to keep so that one day when God finally gives us another child and doesn't take her/him away, we will be able to introduce her/him to our first born child. Lilly will always be the "ATE" or older sister. Nobody can take that away from her or from us. We know that from heaven, she will look upon her little sibling and will take care of her/him. Hopefully, all this will happen in due time. There is a time for everything. That is what they always say. I believe this. I am just heartbroken that Lilly wasn't meant to be. She was conceived at the wrong time. I don't like that thought. I disdain it but I have to accept it at some point. If there truly is a time for everything, I hope the right time will come for us one day. I will cast away my doubts, my fears and my negativity and just believe. Lilly, will you be reincarnated in the body of your sister or your brother? I know I should not believe in that but one day, Lilly, we will see you again. We love you and we miss you always...

They say I should trust in God's perfect timing. I hope next time time will be on my side. I don't want to lose another child again. Lord, please don't take another one away from me. I don't think I will be able to survive another loss. That will be too heartbreaking...