Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Reflection - March 13, 2013

Regrets...we all have them. At some point in our lives, we have found ourselves wondering why we do have them and in my present state, I know I have a lot of them. It seems that they have now surfaced from the deepest part of me in order to torment me. I am currently on my road to recovery. Not just physically and mentally but as well as emotionally and somehow spiritually. There is no use denying it now. Probably the whole world knows it already and yet only a few people truly care. I don't mind. I have been alone before. I guess I just need people now to cope with my current loss. Everybody knows that I have just lost my daughter, my first born, Lilly. She was my pride and joy. I know it is selfish of me to say she is mine only as my husband lost her too. Actually, both of us are grieving right now but somehow, he is coping better than me. There is no use denying that now. I always say I am okay and that I am doing my best to cope but I still cry often. Somehow I feel guilty. I feel responsible for what happened to Lilly. By what happened to her, I mean her condition. I carried her for eight months inside of me. She was premature but that was not the cause of her death. The cause of it was a complication brought upon by her inborn conditions which my husband and I already knew from the 6th month of my pregnancy yet, we did not have the heart to end it, to end her. We continued to pray for her and others around us as well. She was a miracle when she was born. Sadly, that miracle was short lived. 

These days, I keep on feeling what it would have been like if things were different. What went wrong during my pregnancy? They say I shouldn't be playing the blame game. Not now, not ever. But how can I turn my head on something else when I know that I was her vessel for 8 months? Maybe I could have done things to worsen her situation or perhaps improve it. I am lost. My heart is heavy. I am burdened by the fact that she is gone and that she cannot come back to us. Most of all, I am weary because I want to be happy but how can I when she is gone? Perhaps the only thing that can make me happy now is the fact that I still have my husband who loves me so much despite everything and a lot of family and friends who truly care. How can I stop blaming myself? How can I just let it go? That I do not know. What is moving on and pushing forward? For now, I am stuck in place, unmoving yet caring. I continue to feel but I can't move past this yet. It is way too early. Seeing Lilly for the first time and after letting the thought sink in that I am finally a mother has made me happy beyond my wildest expectations. When I was younger, I used to tell God that I don't want a child -- not yet. Not till I am able and ready to have one. I keep on asking him to give me one in the future but not now. Not when I was still irresponsible. Then, I realized, maybe I am too responsible. 

My husband and I wished for a baby before he reached 30. Too bad, he is turning 30 next month while I will be 28 by then. Although God did give us what we wanted, he took it away just like that. Many people say that Lilly wasn't meant to be for us. We often wonder why. Doesn't she have the right to live longer? We then thought about other parents who are not ready to have children yet they keep on having them. We thought about those who are irresponsible and uncaring for their children yet they keep on being blessed by them. We thought about how unfair it was that we were not given the chance to become parents longer. But we were told to cast negativity aside and to just have faith in Him just like we used to. Now, we are doing our best to hold on to that faith as we thread into the darkness, into the unknown, into the abyss. 

I promised myself that I would blog about her ever since I got pregnant but somehow I never got the chance to. I now know why. She probably didn't want me to do it while we were together. Lilly probably wanted me to do it when she was gone because it would be more therapeutic for me and in a way, it would help me recover from her passing. It has been more than a week since she passed and I still cannot bring myself to write about her. Perhaps after her 40 days, I will be able to write everything about her. From the day I found out I was expecting until the day, I said goodbye to her. My heart continues to ache for her. I miss her terribly each day. But how can I ever see her again? There was no other way. I keep on talking to her each day, hoping that she would hear me and that she would visit me. It seems my life will forever be like a soap opera. I once thought, that was fine but now, I don't. The things I should have done or could have done continue to haunt me as I try to find myself in a better place after everything. Hopefully, one day, someday, I will be able to free myself from these feelings. If time can heal all wounds then definitely, God can too...

They say that the death of a child changes everything. So powerful is such an event that it can no longer bring you back to the way things were. Thus, I must learn to move forward and welcome a new life for if I don't, I just might have a life that won't be much of anything afterwards...

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