Wednesday, March 13, 2013

What Happened To Me The Day God Took You Home

Just when I thought I was strong enough, I found myself crying after looking at Lilly's photos again. Maybe the pain is still too fresh for me to revisit. Looking at her has two effects on me. One, it can make me feel calm as I sink into reality that she is gone and two, my tears start falling without me knowing it and my heart aches which makes it hard for me to breathe. How do you deal with the loss of your child? How do you cope with the loss of someone so dear to you? 

Last January, my grandmother passed away. She was more than 80 years old and she has lived a happy life. Although, she has accomplished so many things, many people felt sad when she died. I was one of those people although I know that what I felt then wasn't really as strong as what my mother, aunts and uncle felt like, I know the feeling of losing someone. At that time, I was pregnant with my daughter, Lilly. I was my grandmother's eldest grand daughter and she was very fond of me. Too bad she never got to see her. Too bad that I think now, she was able to do so.

Honestly, I am not coping well with my loss. The bond between a mother and her child is truly extraordinary. Although, I only felt her moving inside of me, it was like both of us had an unspeakable bond that can never be broken. My mother said that babies know their mothers' voices and sometimes even their fathers'. This is why whenever babies hear their parents' voices, they feel loved. I talked to Lilly on the day she died. She responded to me positively. Which is why I thought that would not be the end of her life. Her response gave me hope that one day, she would be home in my arms, with me, with us. But, God had other plans for our little one. She is now an angel up above. Our little angel who they say continue to watch over us.

No words can ever bring me comfort. No hugs or condolences can ever make me feel happy again. For one, I was incomplete. The day Lilly was born, I found a new purpose in my life. I found happiness in something that cannot be replaced. I found contentment in something that is not material. For once, the things that made me happy have become secondary. Nothing else mattered. Only Lilly mattered. Even my husband felt the same thing. Now, both of us are grieving, coping with our loss in different ways but in whatever ways we can. So far, I think I am the one who is struggling a lot. 

The thought of her still alive but cannot be with us is somehow better than telling myself that she is gone forever. I know I will never forget her and that she will always be missed. We all loved her too much. We all waited for her for so long which is what made it hurt even more. Many people say that she is so beautiful and pure. Even until now, I cannot believe I made something so adorable. We cherished her and doted on her even on such a short time. Life always has other things in store for us and I guess Lilly wasn't a part of it. I feel bad that she wasn't.

I don't know until when I will be this way but for now, I guess I can say that most of my posts here will be sad as I continue to deal with my loss, our loss. Trying to be happy again will be a big challenge for me. Continuing to have faith is another but I know that I can do this somehow. For now, I will struggle, I will fall, I will break down and cry. The sadness is unbearable and the emptiness is terrible. I just hope and pray that someday I will feel nothing but acceptance and happiness. Although I feel happy that Lilly can no longer feel pain in Heaven, I grieve because I know she will never come home with me. So, how can I cope up with this loss? For now, I am not sure. As they say, one day at a time...
One day, we will be together again. But until then, in my heart you will stay. In my mind, you will always be. I will speak to you every day. I will pray for you each passing day. I will never let you go. Please stay. We love you so much, Lilly and we miss you so...

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