Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Lost But Hopefully Found Soon

Have you ever felt like you are already awake and yet you don't want to get up because you are hurting or there is this huge hole inside you that can never be filled which causes you to be lonely which is why you just want to either cry, go back to sleep or just lie there and do nothing? I have felt that feeling many times. I have broken down when I wake up in some mornings. I know I shouldn't as my child wouldn't like it but I cannot stop myself from doing so. But in the end, my sanity prevails. My mind is the only thing that makes me move around lately aside from my drive to do so because of my loved ones. I want to be productive yet it is hard to be. Especially when you find yourself going back to the feelings that you thought you'd forgotten even just for a little while. I don't want to associate bad feelings with Lilly. I know she deserves to be remembered with good feelings but how can I stop my heart from bleeding whenever I feel for her? My mind cannot keep on telling my heart to do that. I admit that my heart is stubborn. I wish it wasn't though. 

Lately, I've been thinking. What do I do now? My husband thinks of the same thing. Our lives have been centered on our plans with Lilly that we have forgotten what it was to be just the two of us. Now, we feel like we are incomplete. We will continue to sigh deeply each time we miss her. For now, we are both indeed lost. Is that a good thing? I don't think so. I know that at some point we would have to move on without her in our lives and that is a very painful thing to do. It is easier said than done. For now, we are both clueless on what to do next. Which is why we constantly ask God to help us and guide to whichever path he would like us to take. After all, he was the one who put us in this track. Only he knows what will happen next. We are thinking of studying again. A short course perhaps to change careers or stay in the same career and improve ourselves? We are thinking about it and right now that is the only thing that sounds appealing to us. My husband is currently learning 3D animation on his own but hopefully, he will start learning in a free program for two months soon. Hopefully, this will give him more of an edge in the industry he loves. Meanwhile, my mother thinks I should study culinary arts which isn't a bad idea. After all, I enjoy cooking and in a way that would be instrumental if in case we do end up having a business related to food. Plans, plans, plans. So many suggestions and ideas and yet none of them are solid yet. We may not know which path to take but we are hoping we will soon. Our lives might not exactly be perfect right now but we are trying not to lose hope. All this is not just for both of us but for our little Lilly who continues to watch us from heaven after all...

Hopefully this is true...

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