Saturday, April 6, 2013

My Letters To Heaven For You, Lilly #1

I read somewhere while I was pregnant that I should write letters to my baby which I should read to her when she was old enough to understand what I wrote to make her know how much she means to me but I never did that. I should have but if I did, it never would have mattered. She will never get the chance of reading them anyway now that she is gone. So, here I am with a broken heart, it beats, it loves, it cares. It longs for her each passing day. It cries as it misses her every single day. I will never get her back, I know that now but I will forever keep her in my heart. I might not have written to her while she was in my belly but now, I want to write to her even if she is already in heaven. Hopefully, every letter will be delivered to her through my memories and my heart. Lilly, this will be the first of many letters so please bear with me...

Dear Lilly,

When I woke up this morning, it was you that I remembered first. I took my phone beside me and greeted you a good morning. As your face is still my wallpaper, I kissed you and smiled. I felt my heart ache. I asked myself why I have to do this everyday to a material object when I should be doing this to a real person. Sadly, I know I will never get the chance to greet you and kiss you each day. As I washed my face to get ready for another day without you, I remembered the time when I was in the emergency room before giving birth to you. I was scared. I did not want to give birth to you yet as I knew you would only be 8 months then. You would be premature and I knew that wasn't good. Apart from your complications, I knew being premature would only make things harder for you. But I decided I have to be strong. I must be strong for you. I did not know how things would go in the operating table but all I knew was I had to deliver you safely somehow. After I was given anesthesia, I was sedated but I did not sleep. I was too excited and anxious to see you. When I heard your first cry, tears fell from my eyes. When I saw you for the first time, I was both happy and sad. Happy because you were alive and sad because I knew things would be complicated and hard for you. I did not want to see you suffer. I did not want to see you in pain but I knew you would be. I just hoped and prayed you wouldn't be. I was not able to see right away after that. When I was well enough to see you and bring you some milk for the first time, I saw you inside the incubator. I cried again but I stopped myself from doing so. I touched you then. That was the first and last time I ever did that. I felt the warmth of your skin. I felt how soft it was. You were perfect. My heart swelled with pride and overflowed with love. I was proud to have made something in this world. I touched your feet and your tiny fingers. I held on to your hands and pretended you were clutching them as I saw you sleeping. I touched your cheeks and pretended that I kissed them. I was so overjoyed. I was happy to finally be a parent. I never knew that kind of love existed but I felt it when I first saw you. Thank you for making me feel that way. I never knew something so small could ever make me feel that way. God gave you to me, to us and I am glad he did. I am only sad that after giving you, a blessing to us, he took you away right away. But maybe you know the reason behind it. I am glad you are no longer fighting. I am happy you no longer in pain. We love you so much. I hope that you will never forget that. You may be in heaven but forever in our hearts you will stay...


Here is a song that we would like you to hear, Lilly. This was sung and composed by Eric Clapton. This song is called "Tears In Heaven". He made this after his son died which is why like us, he knows true grief. He knows the true pain of losing a child. Losing a child is said to be the most inconsolable thing to ever happen to anyone and that once a child is taken away from his/her parent, the parent feels like they no longer have anything to lose. We will miss you forever, our dear daughter. Sorry if I always shed tears. See you in heaven. 

No comments:

Post a Comment