If assumptions could kill...

Assumptions here, there, everywhere. I never did like assuming things about others and it is sad that others like doing so about me. I can't believe that after all this time I still feel like I am living my life like it is high school all over again. I hate the fact that I am being judged based solely on what I wear, what I say or what I look like. It is not like I am still that young anyway. 30 isn't exactly 18. Sometimes I feel like I am still treated like a teenager when I am supposed to be treated like an adult. Hearing made up stories about you from the people that you trusted is not exactly a good thing. Just when you thought that they could be trusted, they end up stabbing you in the back. My life is crazy but I can handle it. Sometimes I just feel like there's this overwhelming weight pressing against me. I feel suffocated. I feel like all the air escaping my lungs and all the blood in my body rushing to my head. I feel like exploding sometimes and that is not exactly a good thing.

When is enough enough? When you know that the people who are supposed to be close to you are actually hurting you, confrontation gets difficult for some people especially those who are not used to confrontations. I am like that. I would rather pretend it isn't happening or just brush things off as I do not want to escalate things to a whole new level. I am a less hassle kind of person. Unfortunately, I am surrounded by people who enjoy hassling me around. In the end, I get different kinds of stress from different kinds of people and the situations they have created. I am a worrywart, I think and worry too much. This is why I always have a plan A, B and C. I hate not being prepared for anything. But this readiness is not exactly appropriate when it comes to these people and these situations. Most of the time I end up just stressing myself more. I can be a control freak. I like things to go as planned and when it doesn't, I have the sudden urge to get angry but somehow I have learned through the years that despite the fact that I should get frustrated during those times, I should also take deep breaths and try to calm myself. Somehow I am happy to say that I have succeeded in doing that most times.

Opening up to others has never been my forte and somehow I feel like I am still having a hard time doing so. I blame my low self esteem for that. However, if needed be, I can be open, I can talk about things that needs to be discussed, I can be professional or personal, whichever you want me to be. Honesty is one thing that I like with people while I loathe assumptions and backstabbing. Sadly, hypocrites are everywhere. There could be one next to you now. Even people who are supposed to be your family can become hypocrites and it hurts me to find out that this is true. Sometimes when I hear made up stories from other people about what a close family member said about me, I frown and feel betrayed. I often think about why these people would treat me this way. I reflect on the things I have done to them and whenever I do, I relive the mistakes I have made to them and how I have done my best to atone for them. Sadly, I guess they think they aren't enough. These kinds of people and situations make me lose face even further.

Sometimes I wonder what my life is worth. I wonder if anybody will miss me when I am gone. I think about the things that I have done for others and the things that I should have done for them. Of course, I think about myself as I am human too. But I always think about my life and if the way other people treat me is right. Do I deserve to be treated poorly or unfairly? Sometimes I don't know anymore. Assumptions and lies are painful and it hurts me deep inside. I rarely shed tears but when I do, you'll know they are for real. My life might not be perfect and I'm certainly not too but that doesn't mean that your assumptions, your lies and the pain you are causing me are welcome. I may look strong but I can be weak too. If assumptions could kill then I will probably be dead by now. The many assumptions people have speculated on and have uttered against me are just too much to bear. I guess I am just strong enough to take all of them for now but until when? I don't know now.

The Struggle Is Real

The times have changed and so have I,
The paths I take, I hope are right,
My life right now isn't exactly perfect,
Some would say it is a mess,
But no matter what other people will say,
I will still think that tomorrow will be a better day.

My life isn't perfect and so am I,
The decisions I've made, I hope are right,
The things I do now are not the things that I used to do,
How I am going to face things now, I still don't have a clue,
I am older and hopefully wiser,
But somehow there are times when I feel that is not true.

Somedays I can't help but feel blue,
I know that stress is killing me,
Yet I feel like I should still keep pushing through,
Sometimes I feel irrelevant or perhaps that's how others make me feel,
Sometimes I feel wanted which I hope I will always feel.
Unfortunately, this isn't always clear.

I hate it when I'm set aside,
I hate it when I have no choice but to hide.
Why do people not see me the way I want them to?
Why do people continue to keep on hurting me so?
I feel tormented and so lost,
I feel like my life can be such a pain.

I like living as there is so much to look forward to,
If only others will see it too.
But I hate living a life that is a lie,
I hate living a life that isn't mine.
Only time can tell if things will change for the better,
I can only stay optimistic for so long after all...

One Of Those Days When You Feel Like Ehh...

Has it really been months since I last visited this place? Yeah, well, my last post proves it. I haven't been here a lot lately because my life has been both hectic, productive yet only in experience but never in money, and most of all, stressful. September is near and then, I realize that this year will soon be coming to a close. I became 30 this year and what have I to show for? NOTHING! I find myself feeling down today as I came upon this realization. I feel like even if I have done so many things in the past few months, here I am, empty handed. Did I waste away all those months laboring away for nothing? I feel hollow now, empty and believing that it was all for naught.

Today, I felt fed up. I felt like I wanted more and I deserved more but I guess life has another way of showing me I don't want it that much now and that I deserve better in the future. But when will I ever get what I want or what I deserve? Will life ever treat me fairly? I am done thinking that life is fair and that I can survive with perseverance and positvity. Maybe reality is a lot harsher than everybody thinks and that I should not ignore it because I get to face it every day. It has been months since we stopped working in the food business. Shattered dreams for sure. Working in a restaurant is difficult. It has given us new experiences however, the commercial kitchen is also a place filled with heartbreak. Never mind the pain of the heat that welcomes you every day, the rigorous prep time, the stressful lunch and dinner service, the hot oil that scalds you or the cuts from the knives, the fish fins or anything else that can make you bleed. Slaving away at a place where you never got to earn anything was just brutal. We hoped for something better and now, we are hoping still.

It has been two months since we started operating our new found business, our photobooth business. Although it was fun to study everything and have creative freedom over what we should and shouldn't do, we are now faced with the dilemma that many business owners have - How to get more customers. I am not 100% very good with PR but I am trying my very best. I have decided to stop being timid in order to promote better and yet, despite the fact that I have already sent text messages, online messages and posted on different groups, here we are, left with none. Although we do have one client as of the moment, we have come to realize that one client is not enough. It is frustrating to be this way. But I have not given up just yet. We intend to do more marketing - actual marketing in the real world next time - not like the online marketing which I have been doing for a while.

Expectations - I have come to realize that there should be none for it will always be the root of all heartache. Right now, apart from our own business, we have decided to help out in one of my mother's businesses. We are trying to be thorough with this one and because of this, we are hoping that everything will run smoothly. I have never had experience in sales. Yet, here I am braving this sort of business. The marketing and promotional events are taxing but someone needs to plan in order for them to work. The inventory and the paperwork is tiring as well but it has to be done. Now, comes the hard part, the encoding and the money involved. I never really liked Mathematics but this is worth trying. So, although the year has not been what I expected it to be, I am hopeful. Even if I am feeling like I want to be detached from my life forever and start a new one - I am hopeful. For being hopeful is the only way to go for me...

2015: Typical Expectations, Unlikely Observations

The New Year ushers a new beginning for everyone. As a year ends, it also feels like it ends one chapter in a person's life. Since the New Year is all about new beginnings, I have come to realize that it does not matter who you are and what you are. At some point, we all want the same things. Looking at the posts of many, if not all, of my friends on their social media accounts, I constantly see their wishes for 2015. Comparing them, I noticed the similarities. The obvious wishes include the following: To get rich or to be richer, to the loveless, to find a partner, for career and goal-oriented people, it is to get promoted, for the capricious, to be able to buy new gadgets, a car, a house or others things which will make them happy, for married couples who have been trying to conceive, their wish is to have a child,  for those who have gained weight or are already plus size, to lose weight, for those who have vices or bad habits, wishing to be rid of them or to at least be able to resist them and lastly, the most obvious and less selfish of all wishes to have good health. We all wish for so many things. Call them New Year's Resolutions if you wish however, they are still expectations, no matter how you look at them.

Wishes which are not commonly uttered by many include: World Peace. It might be something that most beauty pageant contestants say but in reality, it is not exactly easily attainable. No matter how we try to achieve it, there can only be a period of peace and it does not last forever. There should be a balance after all and a little chaos mixed to peace is healthy. A cure for deadly disease. Developing one is not easy. Although many say there are already cures readily available to all of us, I believe we should not believe in tall stories. Wishing for the medical field to actually get serious with this and look for cures could take years, even decades, to actually be successful. But that does not mean we should not wish them. Most wishes for the New Year are made for us, not for others. We rarely wish for other people. Sometimes even never.

If I am going to be asked how I want my 2015 to be, I would say I don't know. I want so many things, true. However, I also know that reality has other plans and that God will lead us where he wants us to. I would probably wish for our businesses (if not all) will succeed. I am sure that everyone in our family would benefit from this wish. For this year, my husband and I are business and career-oriented thus, the said wish. But we also wish for good health and more patience. Despite the fact that many people around us constantly bug us to include in our priorities having a child, we just don't see that happening this year. This is our way of not being selfish. Our way of thinking how we are going to make him/her have a good life. But then again, there will always be people saying that there are so many poor people who cannot afford to feed themselves who have children every year. I am saddened that we are being compared to that when all we want is for the good of our future child. We always tell everyone that we will have one in God's perfect time but I guess even that simple answer is not enough to sate them any longer.

2015 has not started yet but just like everyone, I would like to welcome it with positive vibes. I know it won't be a perfect year (not like there is ever one) but I hope and pray that this year will be kind to me. I am used to riding the roller coaster of life after all so why is this year going to be any different? Why bother sharing your New Year's Resolutions when you will just be using the same one every year? Why can't we just keep on moving forward, hope and pray for the best and at the same time, work hard to get whatever goal we would like to get in the end? Everybody expects something from their 2015. I just hope that they are not just prepared for the good things but as well as the bad things that might come hand in hand this year. Sorry to burst your bubble but there is no magic. No fairy tale happy endings. Be grateful. Be happy no matter what 2015 has in store for you.

2013 was a year filled with sadness when we lost our dear Lilly but it was also a time for a change when we decided to pursue our passion - food. 2014 was a year or many new beginnings and challenges. As we end this year, we all hope and pray that 2015 be a more beneficial year for all of us, no matter what it brings us. Good or bad, we will be fine. Bring it on, 2015!

Who Needs Someone...?

I have often wondered if human beings can ever live alone. I think we can. However, it is better not to. But some people still choose to live alone, distant from others, because they want to. To them, there are more benefits to being alone than from being with someone. Come to think of it, I guess the common benefits include not having to worry about anybody else, one gets to do everything he/she wants without considering others and just be comfortable to be one's self. But loneliness will always be a constant struggle. Overcoming loneliness is never easy. Which is why any succumb to taking their own lives. Suicide or even attempted suicide commonly happens to people who are alone and because they have detached themselves to the outside world, nobody will ever know they are gone until it is already too late. They must live hard lives but who am I to judge them? 

I am someone who can exist with someone or with no one. Sometimes I enjoy the company of others while I also treasure my time alone. I cannot live without either. When I was younger, I used to believe in destiny and soul mates. I used to think that there is one person fated for everyone. Some just find them earlier than others. But as I got older, I realized that being alone is a choice. It is pretty much just like happiness. I am not alone. I have a husband, a family, friends and other loved ones. But sometimes I feel either smothered when I get too much love while I feel troubled when I do not get enough. It is complicated. 

Although I am already married, I have to admit that my life is not fairy tale. It is not perfect. I am not a Disney princess and I did not marry Prince Charming. I do not live in an enchanted land or in a magical castle. I do not have a wicked stepmother or glass slippers. Sometimes I even wonder if this is the life for me or if I made the right choice. Nobody's perfect. We all make mistakes. But somehow at the end of the day, I know I have made some of them right. My husband and I sometimes have arguments and misunderstandings but at the end of the day, we try our best to be okay again. It is hard to sleep with bad feelings toward each other. But that's us. I wonder how other couples are. 

Honestly, I pity those who have partners who couldn't care less. Having arguments and misunderstandings are normal but dealing with them and making peace takes a lot of hard work and patience. If no one among the two are willing to try harder, to lower their pride and to be the grown-up then nothing will ever come out of it. Arguments and misunderstandings can lead to stress. They can lead to anger, frustration, loneliness and even regret. Why would anybody need someone who would never understand them? Trying to understand someone is okay since there is still effort involved. Putting effort in something or in someone means you are investing a part of yourself and your time for that person.

Who needs someone? Some, if not, most, do. However, be ready for that someone because not everyone's lucky enough to get who and what they wish for. Accepting who and what you will receive wholeheartedly is never easy but one needs to try. Your happiness is up to you. You will never get it if you don't do anything about it. So, if you end up getting someone who only gives you loneliness then what is the point of staying with him/her? You can always keep on trying but what happens when you get fed up and you are pushed to the breaking point? Will you still need that someone then? Finding a partner forever is no easy task so choose wisely. Maybe we all need someone. Regardless if it is for love, for friendship or for employment. After all, no man is an island but who knows?

Christmas: To Love And To Loathe

Ah, the holiday season! To most people, it is a good time to reunite with their family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances however, to some it isn't. The holiday season is a time to be merry, to eat delicious food, to exchange gifts and to drink a lot of booze but it is also a time to remember what Christmas truly is about. These days, Christmas is too commercialized to everyone. Whenever you ask someone about what matters to them every Christmas or what do they remember about Christmas, they say gifts, decorations, reunions, parties and food. Many people who should believe in Christ no longer celebrate this day as a celebration of the day of his birth but rather just a time to be with their loved ones. In fact, more people nowadays believe in Santa Claus on Christmas Day. It is a sad reality that we all must realize sooner or later.

There are many things which I both like and dislike about the holiday season. Sure, I enjoy seeing my relatives whom I have not seen in a long time or even my friends or people I used to be associated with however, I am not so keen on being with them for so long as that is when things start to go ugly. I remember the different phases of questions I had to endure answering and reacting to in various holiday seasons. When I was in high school, I used to get asked when I would get a boyfriend. It was easy to avoid those questions then as I would simply blush and I said that the thought has not crossed my mind yet. Meanwhile, when I finally had a steady boyfriend and we have been together for so long, we would often get asked when will the wedding be. It was awkward as we were not thinking of getting married yet during those years and when we finally wanted to get married, we did not wait for Christmas last 2010 to get it done. I thought we would not be asked any more questions any holiday season soon. Unfortunately, I was dead wrong as the next year, we kept on hearing the question when will be having children. Honestly, it was frustrating. So when we finally had the chance to have a child, we were ecstatic. Everybody were. But then God gave her wings only after a week of being born last February 2013 and we were back to being just the two of us. 2013 was a painful year without her and being asked how she died was not exactly our favorite question to answer but we got to the acceptance stage eventually. Which now brings us to Christmas 2014. After almost two years of our sweet Lilly's passing, we are now feeling the pressure once more as we again hear questions about when we will be bearing another child in this world. Seeing so many of our relatives pregnant and having little ones does not ease that pressure, it only builds it even more. How I wish it would be easier next year. It is hard to be caught on the spot, in the hot seat especially when all our answers do not seem valid to most people. If only bearing a child was that easy...If only they would understand...

I love eating good food during holidays. Although I know it is a pain to plan the menu, to shop for ingredients and most of all, to cook them all, at least, I can smile at the end of the day knowing that I have done all of them with love. I am not fond of the cleaning but it comes with the cooking so thus, inevitable. I am not anti-social. I just don't like to socialize too much. I guess I have a limit for these things which is why sometimes I tend to disappear in a room full of people. I always find a place to hide in case I feel the need to be absent and just be with me, myself and I. I love gift giving but I am not fond of shopping for gifts. I do enjoy wrapping gifts. I am just not fond of the trash the wrappers create. I don't like drama on holidays and most of the time, drama comes in many different shapes and forms. Mostly, they come from our loved ones who even if we know have dramatic lives and are somehow annoyed by their stories, we still end up listening, sympathizing, helping or even giving sound advice. So you see, these are the reasons why I both love and hate the holidays. Traffic is already a given so I did not add that here but maybe I am not the only one who thinks this way. Maybe there are also other people like me out there. So, while I wait for the clock to strike midnight, here I am writing all these to you and hoping that your Christmas Day will still be a good one regardless of all the things that you love and hate on Christmas Day.