Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Help Me! I'm Alive

I smile when everybody looks at me while I cry on the inside. I wear a mask that doesn't fade. I wear a mask that never goes weary. I swear to wear these masks until the day I die until my heart stops beating and air is no longer in me. These masks I wear have made me stronger. I may have been a master of deception but here I am weeping and asking for salvation. How can I be saved if no one will see past my masks in order to get through my hollow self? How can I be better when I know nobody even cares? I'm so lonely and alone. I'm so broken and disturbed. I've come to gain something, something that I can never have for my eyes are the windows through my soul. Come and take a look at me!

I scream at the top of my lungs as I feel myself drowning. Like a claustrophobic getting suffocated in a crowded space or a helpless child crying in one corner looking for her mommy. I am a defenseless person. I may look strong on the outside but realistically, I am not. My hands have started shaking as my masks are starting to break. Oh dear God, what shall happen to me? When all is gone what will be left of me? My heart starts pounding. It starts racing inside of me. As I close my eyes and my tears start streaming down my cheeks, I let out a silent prayer as if demanding for this life filled with misery to end. Meaningless is the only word that echoes in my head as I feel my body going numb again.

My friends and family seem to know me. I don't know it's hard to tell. I am filled with the lies that I made so how can I face them again this night? I was foolish to have thought of cheating them. I was selfish to have thought of leaving them. Who am I to be this way? Who am I to put them all to shame? The distance that we have may not be great but do they know my sunken fate? It's pointless. I see nothing of me. The future is uncertain that only once thing is clear. I am a lost soul because I want to be and I continue to wear a mask to push people away so that they'll never feel what it's like to know me and feel empty without me. I don't want to be lonely anymore, I don't want to be alone. But how can I get past the invisible walls I created when I myself have restricted myself to get past them? I sing the saddest lullabies as I try to fall asleep. I embrace the darkness around me as the cold wind brushes on my face. I see the light outside my window coming from the moon that shines above. I see the light coming from outside my door. I reach out for it but I feel like my arms are becoming sore. I try harder this time. I even make a run to the door. 

But alas! My poor body is weak. I am nothing but broken. On the floor, I see my bloody self. I am no longer breathing. Looks like I did not survive. The tragedy of my life will be filled with lament by those who loved me and those who cared while I continue to regret this wretched fate but what am I to do now that it's too late? So, I say goodbye to my wasted life and hope to move on to something more that will keep me alive. With the promise of another chance of life, I step into the light. I suddenly feel that I'm alive. I smile sincerely as my heart no longer bleeds. Peace has taken over me. No more restless nights for me.
 My heart beats but nobody can tell that deep inside me, it's already dead.
 Do you know the real me? Do you know how I feel right now? Words can describe who I am and how I feel. All I know is that I am different and sometimes I feel like I can no longer feel.
 I write in my diary all the thoughts that run into my head, all the feelings that I want to share. To me, it's my only friend and the only one who can ever understand me.
 I pop a pill every now and then to ease what I feel but nothing helps me get better. It's all a lie. I guess I will never be stable.
 Do you see the smile on my face? Wipe it off and you'll see my real face. Melancholy is the word that describes it. How ridiculous it is for this life to make me go on pretending.
 This empty meaningless life needs to change. A fulfilling one, I'd rather face.
 So here I am tattered and torn, pretending to survive all alone when I need someone badly, I need to be secure but my mind is a complicated maze. It only makes me seek out pain when all I need is real happiness. Who am I to blame?
All the negativity surrounding me, with the thoughts in my head that's making me become a monstrosity. I hate all this negativity. Won't they just let me be me?


  1. strange thoughts of a strange mind again...God bless gurl!

  2. Hey Laser! This is purely fictional. I did feel something like this in the past though thus it has loosely become the basis of this post. God Bless you too!~