Thursday, September 29, 2011

Lost Again Naturally

There are days when I don't feel like myself. It's like I am in a life and in a body that is constantly changing and I have no control over both of them. Maybe I really am like other women. I always want to be in control of something and it gets really horrible when even something that includes you cannot be manipulated by you. I don't want to be in this kind of situation. Lately, there have been so many changes in my life and as I constantly adapt to it, I realize how different it is from my life in the past. No, I am not complaining but after almost a year of living it, I feel like I miss some parts of my old life. Married life is okay. I am happy with it but I have to admit that there are parts of my life now that I do not wish to be a part of. I don't think it is necessary for me to indicate them all here. Apart from that, ever since I got married, we decided to make sacrifices. Mostly were mine to begin with. Not working in an office has been a huge sacrifice for me as for the past 5 years, I have been working in an office and earning more than what I do now. 

Don't get me wrong, working at home is good since I can still do other things at the same time. Unfortunately, I am not earning more than I should and most of all, I am not stepping up to use my capabilities to the fullest. Right now, because of all the changes, I just feel depressed. Maybe that is the reason as to why no matter how hard I torture myself to work out everyday, I don't lose weight. Maybe I need to be busier with my life. Maybe I need to get back to working my ass off in an office. Maybe I need to be stressed again in order to be happier with myself. Maybe I don't need to torture myself to lose weight. I don't know what I feel now. I'm just confused lately. My self esteem is low and whenever I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is a fat blob walking around the house. It gets more horrifying when I tried on all the pants that I had in my closet. Shockingly, almost all of them do not fit me anymore. If not that, some of them are so old that they easily get ripped off already. I was pissed. This only means I have to replace my wardrobe before I go back to working in an office again and fast.

Buying a new pair of pants was my obective today. Just like what most females  would say: There is nothing better than a little shopping therapy. I don't think that works out for me but this time around, I think it did. Somehow having pants that fit me, made me smile. Luckily for me, there was a sale in a mall that I went to today which made me buy two pairs of new jeans. I know that solved my wardrobe problem but of course, it will just be a temporary fix when it comes to me and my self confidence. I badly need to be out. That is the only thing that I have in my head now. I need to get back to an actual working environment and not just my home. I need to be able to communicate with other people outside my home. People, who can and might be able to give me more interesting and intellectual conversations with, not just talking about the latest gossip or the latest problems that they have. I want to feel the thrill of promotion once again. I want to feel challenges. Maybe after being immersed in such situations, I will be able to pick myself up and feel not so gloomy anymore. 

Staying at home makes me different in many ways. Sure, I want to be the doting wife but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't be doing other things with my spare time. By that I mean productive things that can help me earn more. Maybe if I earn more, I will be more confident with myself and my abilities again. Now, I feel like I have gotten rusty. Like a blade that hasn't been used for long, I feel the need to be sharpened yet again. I'm dull now. I just don't show it. Being this way only makes me more emotional and when that happens, I get to think about my other problems. One of which is the fact that I have been married for nearly a year now and yet, we still have not been successful in having a baby yet. Being scared of going to the doctor might be one reason as to why we do not know the reason yet as to why this is happening but I guess we should both conquer our fears soon. The unknown can be scary and when it comes to serious matters like this one, it might be difficult to know the truth. 

I don't want to be worried all the time. I don't want to be an emotional wreck. I don't want to be plain and dull. I miss how exciting I was. My life and my appearance may have changed but I am hoping that in time, I can go back to the fragments of my past for I believe that sometimes going back is still the best thing to do in these cases. I don't want to be useless. I want to be more useful now than I was before. I want to show myself and the world that I can still be what I used to be no matter what happens. With high hopes, I will be able to conquer these negative vibes soon. I just wish I can move on more quickly than I expect things to be for I can never move forward if I continue to think too much or if there are things that I should consider first as hindrances to success that awaits me. Hopefully, God will be able to guide me through this ordeal. Now, I wonder, is this a stage where soul searching comes in? Who knows what that truly is really? And if there truly is such a process, what are the steps to it and what do people expect to get from it? I guess for now, the first thing that I need to find is inner peace and unfortunately, I only have half of it. Will get back to you when I find the rest of it and all the other good parts connected to it.

I guess it is no surprise that I am lost again. Sometimes I find myself in a place where everything is moving too fast and I am moving too slow. I cannot cope with everything so quickly. Maybe I am not meant for that. All I know is right now, I feel the need to look for myself again as I feel like I have lost my way. Where is person that used to be me? I don't know really but I am not am empty shell living aimlessly at the moment. A part of me has just gone missing and if I ever want to feel whole again, I need to find it. I don't know when or where but I know I will get it back somehow. All I need is time...

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