Tuesday, September 20, 2011

What ever happened to my side of the story?

As time passes by, I grow weary of this world filled with negativity. What the hell is with all this hate? Why can't we all just get along for once? I am tired of all the accusations, the backstabbing, the false rumors and the made up stories. I cannot go on living this life  being hated because of those things and because of all the half truths and the white lies that seem to cover up most of the real story so far. I am tired of being pushed around just because I did not do what others thought would be better for me. I am still sensitive because of this and I still cry when I come face to face with such experiences. I really didn't want to bring all the bitter experiences that had happened to me in the past but sometimes I just need a break from it all. Sometimes I wish there was a reset button in my life or perhaps a big eraser to be able to erase the bad things that have happened to me. I want to forget things and start over but how can I when there are more people who do not believe in me and instead just want to bring me down because they think it is what I deserve after everything?

Probably one of the biggest heartbreaks that ever happened to me was when my father and I had a falling apart. It has been a year now and still I am left hurting. I still cry profusely at the mere mention of what had happened. Only a select few know the exact details as to why it happened and because I kept my mouth shut about everything that had happened, I am now being branded by so many people out there and even those among my relatives as the black sheep of the family. It was not like I wanted to have a falling out with him. I know I might have done things that weren't right but that doesn't mean that I should have been made an outcast to the only family that I had. I love them all no matter how much negativity some of them have against me. I am trying to fix the rift between us however I guess time heals all wounds. I have backed off for the mere reason that being rejected and ignored has only made me feel more unwanted. I have tried apologizing and have done my best to explain my side but how can I when I am already being labeled with many bad names by everyone? I'm just confused at this point but I am trying to be strong.

There are some things in my life that were probably not meant to happen and I do not blame anybody else for those failures but myself. I have been given countless opportunities and yet I screwed them up. I may not be at my lowest now but I remember being in that situation so many times before. I have failed not only myself but those still believed in me. I have regarded myself as empty and hollow as I am never ever something that I really wanted to be. Like a robot, I felt like I should just keep on following what society dictates me to be. I can never be just me. I may have been surrounded by things that should have made me happy but I felt like something was lacking. Can society really dictate what makes you happy and whole again? Are we not human beings who were given freedom to choose and decide for ourselves? Wouldn't those things be rendered useless if everything else is dictated and directed? I felt like a caged bird and needed to break free. I wanted to do things that nobody understood and that is where the problems started arising. Being opinionated made me feel like I was too proud of myself because they perceived me to be that way. Being open to new ideas and being free spirited made me feel that I was wild and out of control. I was totally misunderstood. 

Starting over is not easy. As much as I want to do it, I don't  think it will ever properly happen for me. Like a rocket that has failed to launch, that is how I compare what starting over is like for me. I am always waiting for things to happen in my life when I realize that it can never really happen in the end. I guess that is the perfect recipe of failure. I have had so many failures in this life that I have so many regrets already and now, here I am adding more to it. Why? Because people make me feel like I should regret my recent actions and decisions only because they did not match with theirs. I respect what they think but I hope they will too. For respect is a two way thing. Respect begets respect. I don't want to be labeled as something that I am not merely because I do not conform to what the majority wants. I am not a bad person. I am merely misunderstood. I can go on explaining myself to people all day and still not all of them might end up understanding me. I may have had radical approaches and bad judgements in the past but that doesn't mean that I haven't done anything successful and good with my life. I am not useless and most of all, I am not an ingrate. I appreciate every single thing that has made me what I am today and I wouldn't be what I am now if not for those around me. I am eternally grateful to them.

My life is like a drama series being played on TV. Many negative situations have happened to me. Some I have kept to myself while others, I have shared with others. I have had so many painful and life changing experiences in the past that has molded me into the person I am today. I may not be perfect but rather flawed however I am strong. I fight for what I think is right. I am a rebel, whose cause is uncertain to those who do not want to be open to what I believe in. I may not always have things my way but at least I am trying. I may have been selfish in the past because I admit to have done things that have hurt others but I hope that people realize that I have made ammends in the end and that whatever I have done or said might have been for a greater purpose in the end. All I ask is for people to listen and try to be more understanding. As my life can be an open book to those who are willing to let me enter their lives without them judging me. There will always be another side to every story that you hear and sometimes it is best to listen to both sides first before choosing which side you will be on. I am almost always the silent victim in every heartbreaking moment that I have been into and now, I want to take a stand and break that vicious cycle. I just hope that more people will let me...
If you want to hate me, hate me for the right reasons and before you do, do some investigating first. There are always two sides to every story and sometimes you need to listen to both sides first before you can decide on what to do about it. Unfortunately, it seems that my side is often left unheard. It is such a pity that some people are just broadminded. 

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