Friday, March 16, 2012

Remembering First Loves...

 If there is one thing that lingers with you until you grow old and wrinkly, it is that part of your life when you had your first love or so some believe. Just like the lyrics of the song that goes:  "First Love Never Dies" but does it really? I have asked several people the same question over and over again and most of them have said that they do not believe in the said saying. Growing up I believed in this. I didn't exactly have an exciting puberty stage. Let's say while some teenagers were busy finding love, I was busy nurturing my talents but even if so, I cannot say that I did not find time to have love. Even if now, I consider it as puppy love, back then, it meant like it was the only most important thing to me or so I believed.

Crushes? Yes, I had tons but that was common. I was a teenager with raging hormones, consistent mood swings and often undergoing physical changes that I still cannot comprehend. Flings? Hmm...How am I supposed to put this? Well, I'll be honest. I did have them but I am no slut. It was all attraction, I swear.  Suitors?  I only had a few. As I have said, I wasn't exactly the most popular girl in school or even the prettiest one. Do I remember my first relationship? Of course, I do. Honestly, I do not remember exactly how long we were together. All I remember is that I was happy then. Was he my first love you ask? Of course, he was! Do I have regrets about it now? I would be a hypocrite to say that I do not have regrets about my past but choosing him to be my first love was not a mistake so I wouldn't go about saying I regret it. To make things simple, we were both young and in love then. We might have done things that were thought to be bad by the people around us especially our parents but we did them out of love. I am sure everybody has done such things when they were young and in love as well.

Would I have done the same things I have did with my first love if I had to relive the past all over again?  Perhaps not.  Sure, I said I did not regret having him as my first love but that doesn't mean that I do not regret some of the decisions and choices that I have done back then. Now, I wonder. If I never made those decisions and choices in the past, would my life be the same as it is now?  Only God can answer that for sure but there is always wishful thinking. Regardless of what had happened to me and my first love, despite the falling out that I feel bad for, I know that somehow that experience made me a better if not a stronger person now. I can say that I am thankful to him for probably being a catalyst to the change in me but then again, I do not know if he feels the same way about me. Do I regret ever having broken up with him? That's a tough one to answer. I loved him then but not anymore. We were  really good friends before we ever got into a relationship and what hurts me the most is that after all has been said and done, we both just couldn't be friends anymore. Our common friends who got caught up in the situation had to choose between me and him. It was a mess! Now, I miss those friendships. I wish they never got in the way of that broken relationship.

First loves are often exciting for people who have had them but when you say that someone is your first love, it does not necessarily mean that he or she is your first lover. It can be the first person that you really felt a strong connection with or perhaps the strongest attraction too and yet you both never managed to be together in the end. Now that I am older, I know that young people have a different perception of love. They often think that love is easy and all relationships are perfect. I cannot call young people delusional but I can call them inexperienced. Only when they finally learn through experience will they realize that love is never as easy as it seems and that relationships are stressful and hard to keep. When I was younger, I believed in happy endings and prince charmings. I thought that one day, one will come for me. It was figuratively speaking of course but still thinking of the same idea now seems to farfetched to me.

What did I learn from having a first love? I can say a lot! Experience truly is a good teacher. Although I never really came out perfect after that whole first love incident, at least I have tried but it did take me a couple more years to get my life sorted. But the overall experience taught me to be cautious of love and to be careful with my heart. After all, I did not want to get involved with so many men in my life and end up marrying none of them. Love is a battlefield. That is true and I learned that the hard way. Teenage love is so complicated. I guess I never thought about it thoroughly before getting myself into it. The whole concept might be problematic but I don't see other teenagers veering away from it. I am not discouraging or encouraging teenagers to find their first loves. All I am saying is that sometimes it is inevitable. It just happens and sometimes when it does, it takes you for a ride. Sometimes all you can do is enjoy it while it lasts and brace yourself for the worse that's to come. I did the same thing. I became happy with it but got hurt as well, experienced tons of problems and consequences along the way but came out of it strong and whole. I am still here now and I am proud to say that I survived the rollercoaster ride. First loves, what are we to do without them? Do you remember yours? I do and I think I will remember for the rest of my life so why bother trying to forget about him? When I know that I won't but that doesn't mean I love him still. It is all but a memory now...

True or not, you decide.

I  couldn't  agree more.

Perhaps but still  you certainly should not regret having had it. Remember it did make you happy  once  so why feel bad about it now?

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