Monday, March 25, 2013

We All Deserve To Be Happy One Way Or Another

Yesterday was Palm Sunday. At the same time, it was Lilly's first month since she was born. Although she is no longer physically alive and with us, she continues to live on in our minds and most of all, in our hearts. My husband and I visited her tomb yesterday. Although we did not buy her fresh flowers, we decided to try to celebrate her supposed to be special day. We bought some cupcakes and some milk and chocolate drinks to share with each other as we spoke to her and prayed for her. We put the cupcake in front of her grave and poured some of the milk on her grave as well. We felt sad that it had to be this way. In all honesty, we didn't expect this and we didn't want things to be this way but it is what it is and there is nothing else we can do but accept it, no matter how hard it is to do so. March is ending soon and next weekend when we visit her, we will be telling her that my birthday is coming soon. April 1 will be my 28th birthday and I think it will be the saddest one so far. Losing a child isn't exactly one of the best things to happen to you and it is not something that you can just forget about like that. I feel torn about that feeling. I am hurting, obviously. I know most people would like to get rid of feeling pain and would just like to move on but somehow, I want to hang on to it. Call it emotional baggage if you want to but I can't just forget about that pain. For with that pain comes something important. With that pain comes all the joy that we had while Lilly was still alive. Would I be willing to give away all that just because I am hurting? No. So, here I am taking it as an adult and not complaining about it. I know I often talk about how painful things are but then again, I am not saying I want it to be taken away from me. It is something that will always be a part of me and it will never be taken away from me no matter what. 

Holy Week starts today. Most of the time, that signifies that my birthday is coming soon. This year, it seems I will be in mourning but so is everyone in my family. Most families tend to go on outings during this time but I don't think I am in the mood for that right now. My daughter just passed away. Such an event isn't exactly something to celebrate about. This Holy Week, we will continue to pray to God and speak with her. My husband and I don't need to speak her name to know that we are always reminded of her. Most of the time, just a deep or heavy sigh is enough for both of us to know that we are longing for Lilly. There are so many things that remind us of her. While outside yesterday, we saw an unusually large number of couples with babies and toddlers. There were strollers everywhere. We could hear children laughing, making noises and crying. Something that we miss from our little one as well. Her cry continues to echo in my ear. I have never heard her laughter. She was too young to laugh. She tried to smile but that was it. I could have wished she has done more with us but then I realized it will only be more painful that way. Painful not just for me, my husband and my family but as well as for her. Maybe if she lived longer with us, it would be harder for us to let go and it would be harder for us to accept her passing. Not saying that we are doing better with what happened now. Just saying that the more time we spend with her alive, the more memories we will have with her, which means the harder it will be for us to recover from the pain of losing her. 

While in church yesterday, I couldn't help but cry again as I prayed to God. The children around me were reminders of what I lost, what we lost and no matter how hard I try not to be emotional about it, I can't. Seeing children used to make me happy as I had hope that I would be able to do things with Lilly in the future too but after her passing, seeing children just made me sad. Maybe I will get over that feeling one day. Not now though. Going around in the department store yesterday, we saw a lot of beautiful clothes for little boys and girls. My husband and I couldn't help but sigh every now and then as the last time we were there, we were imagining how Lilly would look like if we bought her this and that. Now, there is no point in thinking that way. There is no point in buying her anything anymore. She is gone. The more that thought sunk in us, the more it hurt but we continue to try to smile because we know we have to move on somehow. Today, my younger sister saw my sad eyes. She knows of my loss and like me, she misses Lilly too. Although she would never understand the pain that we are going through as parents, she knows that losing someone that you love so much hurts and it is not something that you can just forget.

She asked me why I was sighing heavily. I told her that I am missing my daughter. She told me not to worry as one day, we will be given another. I told her that nothing is certain yet but I hope so. I am not exactly getting any younger. Soon, I will be pushing 30 and that is not exactly an ideal age to be pregnant and have babies. I am hoping that if I do get pregnant when I am 30, this time it will be a successful one. I want a baby that I can take care of. I want it to grow. I want it to be normal this time. I hope that is not too much to ask. She asked me again as she saw a tear fall down my cheeks. How would things be like if Lilly was alive? I told her, we would be complete and happy. She asked, what about if Lilly was not normal, would we still be happy and accept her? What about if she grew up that way? I told her, we would accept her regardless of her disability as we have accepted you. We will love her and be happy with her. We would take care of her even if she grew up that way. We were already prepared for the worst. My husband and I knew there was a chance Lilly won't be 100 percent normal but we wanted her to live. However, God had other plans. It was either he thought we were not ready and that we won't be able to take care of her well which hurt or he thought that Lilly would be hurting so he decided to just heal her by taking away her pain but in the process, taking her away from us as well. Either way, both were painful.

My sister's questions made me wonder. If you were a parent and you know that your child will have a disability once he/she was born, would you still be willing to let him/her live? If you let him/her live, should you be considered selfish because you thought about your happiness more than his/hers? If you let him/her go, should you be considered better parents because you did not let your child go through a painful growth? Conflicting questions which makes me question if we did the right thing or not. But somehow, I believe we did the right thing. We let her live and we let God decide her fate. Sadly, the ending was still tragic. We still lost her eventually. We only gave her a fighting chance. We will never know the real answers that we seek. After all, we are all different. Our decisions vary as well as our thoughts and emotions. Our opinions will clash and so will our circumstances. We always wish things were different. Morally, we know we did the right thing and yet, we still did not get what we wanted. I thought we would have a higher chance of getting what we pray for if we follow his word and his teachings but I guess, what we pray for isn't always what we get. This is probably one reason why other people decide to just live immorally and not to follow the word and teaching of God. I can't blame them and most of all, we can never force them. 

Is my life better now that I am closer to God? I cannot deny that at some point it is not. I cannot say that losing Lilly has made my life better but maybe he is trying to send a message. Maybe he is trying to teach us something. I am just hoping that next time things will be different. I hope that he won't use this method again to teach us something. I believe that he is not a God who smites those who believe in him. So, if this is his way of testing my faith in him then I don't think it is a good way of doing so. But at the end of the day, they say I should never give up and that I should continue to hang on to this blind faith. I may not know what he intends to do to me and to us but I should continue believing that there will always be something good waiting for me and for us at the end of it all. Patience is a virtue which I should have right now. I had it before but now, I am trying to practice it once again. Hopefully, I will have my happy ending soon. Do I deserve it? I hope so for everybody deserves to be happy, one way or another...

I won't give up. I deserve to be happy too. We all do. 

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