Friday, May 10, 2013

I'm Okay. I'm Coping...

When someone you ask tells you he/she is okay, do you believe it? Some do while some don't. I have been telling everyone exactly that many times especially after my daughter's death. Unfortunately, I have been only partially honest with them. In fact, I am not okay. Not 100 percent that is. But I am coping. Coping is better than giving up to the grief and sense of loss that I am feeling. Things are somehow becoming "normal", my new normal that is. 

I have been doing more and more lately. Chores and anything of the like. I am also back to work. Many people see this as progress. Many people think I am getting back in track and that this is good for me. Sure, it is. I don't disagree with that and I never doubt it. Life goes on somehow. However, what they don't know is, I don't want to do all this. Not wholeheartedly that is. If I am going to be 100 percent honest with myself, all I ever want to do is grief my baby's loss and do a little soul searching. I want to take it easy and just reflect on what I should and shouldn't do. I have a lot of new planning to do after all. Especially since all our previous plans can no longer be done because she is gone. It is a big leap of faith for me and what I am doing right now is the total opposite of some of it. 

I enjoy what I am doing now but I still feel empty inside. I laugh and smile on the outside but if you take a look into my eyes and my heart, you would see and know of the sadness that I keep in there. I am still fragile despite my strong and hard looking shell. There is a time to cry. That is what everybody said. But what they don't know is that I still cry at times. Just like today when my husband and I had a little petty misunderstanding. No, I did not cry because he made me cry. I cried because I missed my baby again and I realized that if she was alive right now, I would be busy taking care of her and would be stressed out and sleepless over it however, I know I would be happy that she is with me. 

I wish people will understand that things will never be normal for me no matter how hard I try. Things will just be the new normal because I will go on even when my heart breaks every time I remember her and long for her. She is not a bad memory. She is a good one. She just brings sadness and tears in my eyes because I want her to be here. I love her so much. My heart aches but I will keep on doing things to keep myself busy and preoccupied. This is the only way I can go on everyday. This is the only way for me to forget this pain even just for a moment. I will never forget her. She will forever be a part of me. I just wish people would remember. 

I just wish they would realize that I am a grieving mother and that grieving doesn't take a short time. Sometimes it takes forever. And all I want is their understanding. Would they be able to give me that? I guess I won't know for sure. Not yet now. It is too early. So the next time you ask me if I am okay, I will tell you I am and that I am coping but now that you know the truth about that answer, I guess you won't believe me anymore. Don't worry too much. Just let me grieve. Let me do what I can and what I want. Let me tire myself. Just let me be. I don't want to be misunderstood and I am not prepared to fight anyone. I am not emotionally ready for it. It will only hinder my progress of relieving myself of the pain. So, please just support me. That is all I ask of all of you. Thank you...

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