Monday, October 14, 2013

Oh, The Reality Of Life!

Sometimes I find myself drifting away. I feel like I am dreaming. I feel like I am not supposed to be here. But then I realize that everything is true and that something that I love is truly gone, never to return, never will I see again. Oh, the reality of life!

I am back to work in an office again. At the moment, I have two part time jobs. One is a writing job and the other a teaching job. Although I am used to teaching students, sometimes I still feel like I shouldn't be doing this again especially since I lost Lilly while working for a different online teaching company. Meanwhile, although writing is fun, sometimes I find myself losing time for it. Nowadays, I need to be able to budget my time more. It just gets harder because apart from work, I also need to devote the rest of my time for school.

Culinary school is fun. I never expected it to be this way. I never expected to even take it. But now that I am doing so, I should be brave enough to welcome new challenges and perhaps even brave this unknown journey which I don't know where it would take me. I love cooking and baking for fun. I like feeding my husband, my family and other people. I love it when they enjoy whatever I prepare for them. But sometimes I question if those reasons would be enough for me to be successful in the said industry. Whether or not, I shall be a successful chef someday, only God knows. 

Sometimes apart from drifting away, I feel myself being anxious. I hate feeling anxiety especially when it makes me feel inadequate. I don't like feeling so crippled. I wish I could do more but sometimes I succumb to my fears, to my anxieties. I just have to learn to let go. I have to learn to be better one way or another. Although many people see me in a positive light, sometimes I feel pressured because of that. I feel pressured that people think I can do whatever I want and succeed in them. I feel pressured to do better and in the end, not do well at all. I wish people would understand that but then again, who am I to complain?

The second week of October is here. Yet it has been both busy and not busy. Coping with the changes is something that I am good at. I only hope that I haven't gotten rusty yet. For now, my other motivation to be something better is no longer with me, but that doesn't mean that I should stop striving hard for her. One day, I know my little Lilly, who is now in heaven, would be proud to call me her Mommy. I hope I will not disappoint her one way or another...

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