A Poem For My Lilly: Longing For You

I wrote this poem today as I felt myself missing you again, Lilly. I know I can never turn back time and that I can never go back to being with you. I miss you so much. My heart continues to ache for you. This goes out to you. I love you, Anak...

There's this aching feeling that won't go away,
A feeling of longing and loneliness that is always at bay,
Why am I feeling this pain and why do things have to be this way?
I wish you stayed,
That is what we wanted, 
That is what we prayed.
I long to hold you, 
I long to kiss you,
Can't I just be with you?
I was happy when you were here,
I was proud that you were here,
I only wish that you were near.
I prayed for your recovery,
I thought God would never take you away.
I wished for him to grant my wishes and to let my prayers come true.
I waited and waited with hope,
I held on tightly and closed my eyes,
I believed he would never let you go,
But God had other plans for you,
God took you away from me,
You are now an angel with wings and a halo to match.
I cry when I miss you,
I cry when I wish that you are here,
I can never bring you back, 
No one can and no one will.
Is this a part of God's plans for me?
Is this truly what he wants?
I question him each day,
But nothing can change what was done,
Nothing can bring back what was gone.
I will miss you forever and think of your each day,
Don't worry; my dear daughter, I will remember you every day,
For my love is greater than anything,
Not even death can keep us away.
I love you,
I know you love me too.
Never forget me,
For I will never forget you.
Forever you will be a part of me,
A part of my heart left with you,
I wish you didn't leave me,
Forever you will be a missing part of me.
Thank you for everything,
I am sorry for many things,
I will continue to ache for you,
I will continue to love you,
Thank you for loving me too...

Death Is Real And No Matter How Hard We Try, We Cannot Escape It But We Can Only Accept It

It is a sad year for me and my family as so far, there have been three deaths in our family this year. First, the death of my grandmother last January then, the death of my daughter, Lilly, last March and now, the death of my father's cousin. All of them died at different times in their lives. One died late in her life, the other so very early in her's while the other is in the middle of his. Such instances only proves that death can come anytime. It comes unannounced. It comes without warning. It can come even when you least expect it. Death is a natural process of life. The order of when a person dies is the only thing that is unnatural. 

I know that my mother as well as her siblings still grieve for my grandmother while, my husband and I continue to grieve because we lost Lilly in our lives. I know that my father's relatives are mourning and grieving too for their recent loss. Because death breaks hearts and makes them ache continuously, it can also change people's lives as well as their personalities. 

The death of my daughter has made me different. Now, I am very sensitive with everything that has a connection with her. Even the slightest things that I find randomly can make me remember her. Sometimes I still cry. Sometimes I feel angry. Sometimes I just feel lost. There will always be the feeling of guilt gnawing at me. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for letting my child die. I could have done something even if I knew there was nothing that I could do. The pain is overwhelming. It cripples me to the core but I continue pushing forward like a person lost in the darkness, hoping to find the light.

It is sad that things have to be this way but this is the natural order of life. I would have wanted to be a proud parent. I would have doted on my daughter. I would have made her feel my love every single day. But there is nothing I can do about that. Her passing has taught me how to accept things that I cannot change even though it is hard to do so. I am learning to survive each passing day without her. I know my mother and her siblings are doing the same thing. My father's relatives will have to learn that too. 

The death of a loved one doesn't mean it is the end of the world. Sometimes we just need to hang in there and just let everything pass. There is no time limit for grieving even though they say that time can help heal wounds. Losing someone you love is one of the most inconsolable things that can happen to anyone. Everyone who has lost someone has the right to grieve no matter how long it takes. Death can never be repaired. A loved one who died can never be replaced or brought back. Death is inevitable. 

I'm Okay. I'm Coping...

When someone you ask tells you he/she is okay, do you believe it? Some do while some don't. I have been telling everyone exactly that many times especially after my daughter's death. Unfortunately, I have been only partially honest with them. In fact, I am not okay. Not 100 percent that is. But I am coping. Coping is better than giving up to the grief and sense of loss that I am feeling. Things are somehow becoming "normal", my new normal that is. 

I have been doing more and more lately. Chores and anything of the like. I am also back to work. Many people see this as progress. Many people think I am getting back in track and that this is good for me. Sure, it is. I don't disagree with that and I never doubt it. Life goes on somehow. However, what they don't know is, I don't want to do all this. Not wholeheartedly that is. If I am going to be 100 percent honest with myself, all I ever want to do is grief my baby's loss and do a little soul searching. I want to take it easy and just reflect on what I should and shouldn't do. I have a lot of new planning to do after all. Especially since all our previous plans can no longer be done because she is gone. It is a big leap of faith for me and what I am doing right now is the total opposite of some of it. 

I enjoy what I am doing now but I still feel empty inside. I laugh and smile on the outside but if you take a look into my eyes and my heart, you would see and know of the sadness that I keep in there. I am still fragile despite my strong and hard looking shell. There is a time to cry. That is what everybody said. But what they don't know is that I still cry at times. Just like today when my husband and I had a little petty misunderstanding. No, I did not cry because he made me cry. I cried because I missed my baby again and I realized that if she was alive right now, I would be busy taking care of her and would be stressed out and sleepless over it however, I know I would be happy that she is with me. 

I wish people will understand that things will never be normal for me no matter how hard I try. Things will just be the new normal because I will go on even when my heart breaks every time I remember her and long for her. She is not a bad memory. She is a good one. She just brings sadness and tears in my eyes because I want her to be here. I love her so much. My heart aches but I will keep on doing things to keep myself busy and preoccupied. This is the only way I can go on everyday. This is the only way for me to forget this pain even just for a moment. I will never forget her. She will forever be a part of me. I just wish people would remember. 

I just wish they would realize that I am a grieving mother and that grieving doesn't take a short time. Sometimes it takes forever. And all I want is their understanding. Would they be able to give me that? I guess I won't know for sure. Not yet now. It is too early. So the next time you ask me if I am okay, I will tell you I am and that I am coping but now that you know the truth about that answer, I guess you won't believe me anymore. Don't worry too much. Just let me grieve. Let me do what I can and what I want. Let me tire myself. Just let me be. I don't want to be misunderstood and I am not prepared to fight anyone. I am not emotionally ready for it. It will only hinder my progress of relieving myself of the pain. So, please just support me. That is all I ask of all of you. Thank you...