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I am Not Anti-Social Even If Some People Think I Am...

Sometimes it is hard to explain your predicament to other people when you are not sure what they are going to say to you or how they are going to react. I am tired of babbling. I no longer want to explain further. Sometimes it gets tedious to get to know new people especially when I know that they will never get along well with me. This is why I keep myself civil in front of people that I don't feel opening up to. Even if I know that some of them have bad attitudes, personalities or even histories, I no longer want to get involved. I no longer want to know. I have learned in life that sometimes it is better to just become apathetic for only those who truly care will exert effort to get to know you better and to open up to you and vice versa. The world is filled with people who are hard to trust. I am a nice person. Everybody tells me that but I have learned to know my limits. I have realized that nice people are almost always taken advantage of. I am done being that doormat to some people who either want to do such a thing on purpose or those who accidentally do it. I have vowed never to be one again and I never want to put such a fate upon others.

Sometimes it is best to just keep things quiet. I am way past my chatty self. I no longer am the young happy go lucky young woman who I used to be. I wish I was but then again, reality has hardened me. For every dent it has given to me, to every blow, I remain here. Although I have been bruised and sometimes badly wounded to the point that I feel like I will never be repaired once more, I rose to the occasion. I am done being perceived as something that I am not. I am done doing things for others who do not appreciate me. Most of all, I am tired of trying to get to know people better when I know that nothing will come out of it. Sure, these ideas sound like I am turning into an anti-social person but then again, I do not think so. What is wrong with staying true to the fact that we should choose our friends? I am older now and somehow wiser but somehow I am still naïve to things out there in this world. Things that might hurt me or cause harm to those around me. I do not want to risk that. I should be more cautious now. Is there anything wrong with that?

I know I can never give good enough reasons to immediately shut down in front of a group of people. I am not like that. I like to observe first and assess the situation. If I know that there might be some things that I should do to make things work with new people to become friends with them then so be it. But if I keep on trying and see that nothing good will result from my efforts then what for? I would rather not waste my time on such things. Call it the love me or hate me, I don’t care attitude if you will. But I don’t want to turn a blind eye, play deaf or be mute to many things. I am still human after all so the point of socializing is still valid. This is why even to this day, I am socializing. There is a need for it. It is my nature. But I have learned to limit myself through the years and somehow I have no regrets. I cherish my friends, my real friends. Those who really care about me and really want to be my friend will always make me complete. Who needs more people who will only give you stress when you can have people who won’t? Think about it. 

 It is hard to live a double sided life. 

 Just because I cannot or will not conform with the norms does not mean that I am different in a bad way. What if I am just different because I want to? So, what if I am misunderstood? I am socially awkward. Live with it!

 I know I would be happier though if I did not mind what others thought or said...

In the end, maybe one of the biggest reasons as to why I don't interact much is the fact that I no longer want to be involved in drama and unnecessary things. I also am allergic to idiotic and most of all fake people. I have learned my lesson. I wish other people will too. But don't judge me. I am not anti-social. I just feel like being indifferent to things that I should be indifferent to. Sometimes shutting down is better than being a sponge. I don't want to absorb everything. I want to use a filter this time. 

My Thoughts About Reunions And Farewells

A realization hit me today as I was walking to work. It does not matter if it has only been a couple of days, weeks, months or years. The reality is that change is inevitable. But then again when all has been said and done, what is there left to say or do? Reunions can become awkward especially when farewells were bitter, left open ended and even were abrupt. I am not a fan of farewells but they can't be avoided. Reunions can be done but sometimes I question myself if I really have to. Either way, both aren't easy to deal with in one's life. 

Just recently, I saw people that I used to work with somewhere. There were two groups of people. The first group ended up inviting me to work with them again which I gladly accepted knowing that they were a pleasure to work with. As for the other group of old co-workers, although I did make a connection with a couple of people there, there were more people that I did not want to see. I even felt uncomfortable talking to them. After all, what is there left to say or do? The last time that I was working with them, I was pregnant and was expecting a child. Now, I am a childless mother working hard for myself and my husband. I did not want to be asked how I was. I did not want to be asked what happened to my child and why she passed away. I did not want to be pitied on or judged. I know that whatever I am going through now is no longer that stage. Although I will forever wish that my child was here with me, there is nothing I can do anymore. 

It is already the middle of November and I have been swamped with so many different things. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the time when my life used to be simple but I guess there is no turning back now. I know I don't have a time machine and I can never turn back the hands of time. If only it was possible to just relive some moments in the past and stay there even for a couple of minutes. I would do anything just to go back to the time when my child was alive and breathing. I would like to touch her again, feel her soft and warm skin. I would like to feel that part of me that is now missing. Nowadays, I only feel alive because I know I have to keep on living. I only feel alive because I know there are still people around me that matter and I know that they wouldn't want me leaving. Not yet. Not right now. It is too early for that. 

My heart constantly aches whenever I think of farewells. I have done so many of them in the past. In fact, I know that I should have become better at them. Unfortunately, I haven't changed a bit and each time I have to do it, I find myself lost especially because I know how hard it is to lose someone. I have lost two important people in my life this year and I know I can never have them back no matter how hard I want them to be with me. Life goes on. Farewells happen even if we don't want them to. Reunions happen even when you least expect them. No matter how unwelcomed they may be. I think I should make peace with the demons of my past. There was a time when I felt like running or hiding. I did it and had been successful at it but now that I am older, I just don't see the sense of it anymore. What would I achieve from that? Will I be more at peace after? The answer is NO. All it ever does is give me is the feeling of temporary easiness then I am back to being uneasy again. I don't want to be the person that I once was. I am a lot better now. I want to be able to be prepared for the next farewell and the next reunion that would happen to me. I just hope that I will really be the person that I am supposed to be...

My Thoughts On Compromising And Complaining

Odd. I don't understand why some people don't have anything else to do but complain despite the fact that they should be busy with things that are far more important than that. I honestly will never understand such people. I have never been so stressed out in such a short time ever. People who complain give me negative vibes. People who do it everyday give me a headache. People who have nothing else to do but complain without even knowing what the word compromise means keeps me up at night.

I have been hearing of the word, compromise, for a long time now. It is applicable not just at work but also when it comes to relationships, whether romantic or not. Through the years, I learned what it truly meant. Through the years, I have realized that compromising is not easy although that does not mean that it isn't worth trying. Through compromising, more people benefit from it. Through it, more people become happier. I wonder why people who constantly complain have never heard of it. Perhaps they have. Perhaps they are just not into it or never want to do it. It takes a brave and strong person to learn how to compromise. 

Why compromise when I can just complain my heart out? Sure. I have heard that before. I have gotten used to hearing it. I have gotten used to being with people who only care about themselves. I hate selfish people. I hate people who things about their needs above others all the time. I would understand if people would only have moments of selfishness and then eventually learn to compromise. What I will never understand are people who just go about doing whatever they want and then complain when they can't get what they want. Will there ever be hope for people who are this way? To be honest, I do not know myself. All I know is that true change should come from the heart and if a person does not want to change then it does not matter how many people influence him/her to do so. In the end, nothing will ever come out of it. 

Professionally, compromising is something that employees, bosses and the rest of the staff at an office needs to do. However, what happens when the employees and the rest of the staff will become selfish and just look after their own interests? Of course, it would end disastrously. Just like building good and harmonious relationships, we will never have one if we don't learn to give and take. As an employee, I know this well. I have had good bosses and bad ones. However, I don't regret those experiences for I have learned a lot from them. I have learned that compromising can only work if people want to do it and if there is something in exchange for it. If an employee will be willing to compromise then the bosses should too. Compromise is not exactly a popular word because it is synonymous to sacrifice. Nobody wants to sacrifice anything. That is the harsh truth of life. If only more people will become more selfless then maybe the world will become a better place...

If only more people would learn not to complain so much then we would be able to avoid conflict. If only more people will learn to compromise then there would be more peace around us.

Oh, The Reality Of Life!

Sometimes I find myself drifting away. I feel like I am dreaming. I feel like I am not supposed to be here. But then I realize that everything is true and that something that I love is truly gone, never to return, never will I see again. Oh, the reality of life!

I am back to work in an office again. At the moment, I have two part time jobs. One is a writing job and the other a teaching job. Although I am used to teaching students, sometimes I still feel like I shouldn't be doing this again especially since I lost Lilly while working for a different online teaching company. Meanwhile, although writing is fun, sometimes I find myself losing time for it. Nowadays, I need to be able to budget my time more. It just gets harder because apart from work, I also need to devote the rest of my time for school.

Culinary school is fun. I never expected it to be this way. I never expected to even take it. But now that I am doing so, I should be brave enough to welcome new challenges and perhaps even brave this unknown journey which I don't know where it would take me. I love cooking and baking for fun. I like feeding my husband, my family and other people. I love it when they enjoy whatever I prepare for them. But sometimes I question if those reasons would be enough for me to be successful in the said industry. Whether or not, I shall be a successful chef someday, only God knows. 

Sometimes apart from drifting away, I feel myself being anxious. I hate feeling anxiety especially when it makes me feel inadequate. I don't like feeling so crippled. I wish I could do more but sometimes I succumb to my fears, to my anxieties. I just have to learn to let go. I have to learn to be better one way or another. Although many people see me in a positive light, sometimes I feel pressured because of that. I feel pressured that people think I can do whatever I want and succeed in them. I feel pressured to do better and in the end, not do well at all. I wish people would understand that but then again, who am I to complain?

The second week of October is here. Yet it has been both busy and not busy. Coping with the changes is something that I am good at. I only hope that I haven't gotten rusty yet. For now, my other motivation to be something better is no longer with me, but that doesn't mean that I should stop striving hard for her. One day, I know my little Lilly, who is now in heaven, would be proud to call me her Mommy. I hope I will not disappoint her one way or another...

Hello October...

October has just begun. So many months has passed since I last wrote something here. Time might have passed by and yet, I still grieve for what I have lost. My beautiful daughter could have been 8 months old this month. Oh, the joys she would have brought upon us. But now, all I can do is dream and think of better days. I have survived the months filled with longing. Although I still cry at times whenever I wish my little Lilly was with me, I know that there is nothing I can do about it now. Starting over is never easy. The paths were rocky and unclear but I continued walking hand in hand with my husband in this unexpected journey. Although the paths have started to clear for both of us, there are still some paths that we have to go to blindly. As we continue to cling on to our faiths, we have only one another to survive everything. 

October might have just begun but both of us are hoping for the best. I might not know what will happen next but I am praying that God will lead the way for both of us. 2013 might not have been the year that we have expected it to be. It was filled with nothing but sorrow, hardship and pain but hopefully, this year will end better than it started. We will miss so many people who have been a part of our lives who have passed away this year. Sometimes I wonder if they were all meant to leave us this way. Although are hearts continue to weep and yearn for them, we know we can never bring them back here. But that doesn't mean that we will no longer think about them or even tell them how much we love them. They are in our prayers still.

Oh, October, please be kind to me. Isn't that always what everyone asks for during the start of a new month? I would be a hypocrite if I would say that I would not ask for the same thing. A new beginning, a new life. A lot of changes have happened and a lot more will arrive. I just hope I can be ready and that I will be ready to take them all. My life is not exactly perfect at the moment. It never was and it never will but sometimes I wish it was. Sometimes I wish everything was clear. So, October, please be a better month for me. Please take away the sadness and just give me clarity...